BBM: A number of musings on Ennis and Jack
by stevehtx
Summary: Last BBM Story: Postcards and Shirts
1. The Night After

_**The Night After**_

**Jack**

Jack was desolate. A giant hole had opened up under his feet and he could feel himself being drawn in, slowly and painfully. He had sat quietly most of the dayjust thinking. He knew…he just knew…that he had fucked up with Ennis, lost this man that he had come to have feelings for…had destroyed an important and desired friendship. Ennis must hate him. What was he thinking of him now? What names must he be calling him in his head? He wouldn't blame him for anything he felt or thought. Why had he let himself go like that in the tent? Why did he think that what he wanted from Ennis might be returned? He was only slightly able to tell what Ennis thought about him. He was drawn to Ennis and felt it his personal mission to get him to open up. But Ennis typically didn't put more than two words together when he spoke so how was he to know what he should have done. Jack beat on himself worse than anyone else could have done.

His sense of guilt was overwhelming. He had come to like Ennis…a lot. Jack had never really had a close friend…someone that he could talk to (even if Ennis didn't talk much) and Ennis had opened a space for Jack in his life. He would listen to Jack's pronouncements about all that he could do…put up with Jack's corny jokes and what passed for playing a harmonica. Jack had never felt around anyone else like he did around Ennis. With him he felt he could be exactly who he was inside and the sense of joy that brought to him was exhilarating. Ennis never judged him or condemned him…unlike his father and most other people who thought he was just a bag of wind. He couldn't get enough of Ennis. But now all he could feel was that he had just destroyed this new and wonderful friendship and lost his best friend.

He continued to sit with Ennis near the fire, in the dark. He couldn't move toward him or away from him. Neither was drinking tonight...not after what happened last night. Ennis hadn't said a word since his "ya know I ain't queer" proclamation earlier that day. He had just sat there poking at the fire with a stick, never looking at Jack. Jack alternated between wanting to roll up in a ball like an armadillo and throwing himself to the ground near Ennis' feet and begging him to please forgive him and "can't things go back to where they were"? What he did was sit there paralyzed, pulled between the two urges. He would sneak peaks under his hat at Ennis, and each time the feeling that he had lost him to bad judgment speared him through the heart. He had never been more miserable in his life.

**Ennis**

Ennis was near to short circuiting. His mind was spinning in so many directions that he was dizzy just sitting still on the log poking at the fire…he actually wasn't really aware that he was poking the fire, it was just something his body was doing so he had something to do. All day he had been trying to make some sense of what had happened last night. Hell, he didn't even really know what had happened. There wasn't anything in his experience that could help him to understand. This was something so completely new that he couldn't wrap his brain around it.

At any moment he would feel complete disgust that he had actually done with Jack what he had done. Wasn't queer the worst thing a man could be? Hadn't his father made sure that he understood that? Then rage would well up in him and he felt all he could do was to pounce on Jack and beat him for bringing this into his life. Then in the same breath, he would realize that it had been his Jack (HIS Jack) that he had done this with and suddenly a light would shine from his heart and he would feel…well, he didn't know what he felt because he had never met anyone like Jack before. He had never allowed feelings for another human being to rise up in him like it did when Jack was around.

Ennis had never really had anyone in his life he could call a friend. He had never had someone open up a space for him to step into that allowed him to be himself…to allow him the opportunity, without threat, to soften his edges and relax. Jack let him laugh…no, encouraged him to laugh, used any tactic he could to get him to smile, to open up and tell more about himself. It was Jack who took every opportunity to show Ennis how to enjoy the beauty around him…and if Ennis didn't catch on to how to do that, it was okay, because Jack just kept at it. These were not things that Ennis had ever had done for him. But now he had begun to reach out a little to experience more of these things that Jack was showing him. Ennis had begun to feel a sense of himself as a real person rather than just a hard-working cowboy with no hope for the future and it was because of Jack's exuberance and puppy-dog antics. Even in the midst of all that was happening at that moment, his lips curved up slightly at the corners as he thought about Jack.

Ennis just sat there paralyzed, torn between these urges.

**Jack**

Jack felt he couldn't sit in the dark at the fire near Ennis any longer. Each second caused the pain of possible loss to grow. He had reluctantly begun to accept that he had lost Ennis and he would have to spend the rest of the summer around a friend who was no longer a friend. His spirit was crushed and his heart filled with ashes. The only thing there was to do was to try to sleep…to blot the world out with unconsciousness. See maybe what the next day or the next would bring. Maybe Ennis would find it in him to forgive him. Maybe they could be friends again putting this behind them. Maybe…maybe…maybe.

Jack stood up. It was difficult. But he found now that he couldn't step toward the tent. He knew he had to say something to Ennis but his mouth wouldn't work…hell, he was lucky he was breathing at that point. Ennis had not looked up. Jack tried a few times to say Ennis' name but it wouldn't come. Finally he was able to croak out "See ya in the mornin'." Ennis just nodded once never taking his eyes from the fire. "Well, that's it then," thought Jack. And with the belief that Ennis had disowned him as a friend, Jack was able to turn and step towards the tent.

Jack's steps were unsteady but as steady as he was able to walk them at the time. About halfway towards the tent, his boot heel caught on some debris on the ground and he stumbled. "Well, ain't that just great," he thought. "He thinks you're a fool already, show him you're a bigger one."

**Ennis**

Ennis wasn't sure that he would be able to sit here with Jack for much longer in silence. He knew he had to get back up with the sheep for the night but couldn't move. He couldn't leave Jack. He didn't know what to say to him and still couldn't sort out his feelings that bounced back and forth between beating on Jack and holding him again. He knew that his silence was killing Jack but he didn't know what to do. He couldn't put words to feelings he had never had before. He didn't know how to be forgiving or tender since it had never been done to him. So many times during the evening he had wanted to turn to Jack and just say his name…just once, he felt, and the tension between them would snap and this thing could begin to run its course. Each time he moved to look at him, his fear of being queer and his upbringing would step in the way like some fearsome shadow blocking out the sight of Jack. So he didn't move or speak.

Jack stood up. Ennis began to shake but did not look up. What could he do? "What can I say?..."Don't go, Jack" but he didn't know how to say that. "Stay here with me by the fire" even if it's in silence and anger. "Please don't go". He realized that Jack was still standing there. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Jack look at him then look away then look again. He knew Jack was in pain but didn't know how to help himself much less help Jack. Both were drowning…no one with the strength to help the other.

"See ya in the mornin'," finally came welling up from inside Jack. Ennis flinched with the pain in Jack's voice. He nodded once to acknowledge him but continued to stare into the fire hoping that the welling up of tears would be masked by his hat and the flickering of the fire. He had never felt so weak and lost in his life.

Ennis felt for Jack but couldn't put his feelings into words. He couldn't name the feelings that were running rampant through his brain…but tried to focus on something to hold onto because he was adrift. He knew these few moments with Jack were extremely important and that his future and Jack's could be influenced by them. So he sought to hone in on one feeling that he could recognize and work with.

Jack had turned to walk to the tent. As he neared the opening he stumbled. Ennis was coming off the log he was sitting on to help Jack but stopped the movement and sat back down. Jack never saw that motion. But with that motion to help Jack, Ennis saw into his heart and saw what he needed to see. He had now found the one feeling to latch onto to stay above the water. All else at that moment simply disappeared leaving him reeling from the importance of what he had seen and chosen. Now there was no turning back.

**Jack**

Jack got to the tent and stooped to walk through the flap. Ennis didn't see him drop to his knees inside and sob once before he caught himself. He sat for a minute, hoping that things would not change, everything would stay as it had…but knowing that Ennis was gone to him. What was left but to continue on…pick up the pieces and go on day to day.

He stripped down to his jeans since it was warm that night and just laid there looking at his life here with Ennis. He felt a large part of himself begin to die.

**Ennis**

Ennis sat on the log realizing that he had become calmer…no longer poking at the fire. The lump in his throat and the tightness in his chest had gone. He felt freer now than he had in a long time. He looked at the tent and saw a little of Jack through the flap. He said his name softly, "Jack," and realized that it felt good, it made him happy. He felt his connection to Jack growing rapidly now that he had made his choice. His throat tightened again, not because of anger but because of this new thing he felt…he could never voice it as love but that was what it was deep inside him. He saw that now and it gave him the strength to stand up

**Jack**

Jack lay there on his back, one arm under his head, staring at the light from the fire casting shadows on the inside of the tent. "Try to sleep, Jack, ya got the rest of your life to deal with now," he thought.

Jack heard the sound of a step near the tent flap.

**Ennis**

Ennis started toward the tent knowing this was the right thing to do. Difficult for him to know that though because he still didn't understand a lot of what was happening to him. He did know now that Jack was for him. He took a breath, squatted down and moved a little ways into the tent, his hat in hand. He was nervous because he didn't know how Jack would receive him so was hardly able to look at him. Was Jack angry because Ennis hadn't chosen to speak to him? Had Ennis hurt him too badly? Would he take him in like Ennis wanted?

**Jack**

Jack turned his head toward the sound of the step to see Ennis pushing the tent flap aside and squatting at the opening with his hat in his hand like he had come to court. Jack felt an electrical charge run through him when he saw Ennis. What he had thought was lost had come home. He sat up putting his hand on Ennis' arm, gently, to say to him "it's okay, please stay". He saw that Ennis was nervous and could hardly look him in the eye. His whole soul began to fill with a joy and excitement almost more than he could contain.

Jack took Ennis' hat and laid it aside. He reached up and laid his hand on Ennis' cheek, softly, quietly so as not to startle him into running away. Jack could feel the heat from Ennis' body. Ennis shivered slightly and closed his eyes. Jack slowly pulled Ennis' face to his. Ennis moved to meet him. Jack kept saying very softly, just for Ennis to hear, "It's alright. It's alright. It's alright." There lips came together barely touching…Jack holding back the desire for Ennis that had flooded his entire being. Ennis lightly touching Jack's lips with his own. And then they kissed. Once, lightly, lovingly...the first true expression of this love they now ackowledged for each other.

Jack would never recover from that kiss.

**Ennis**

He saw that Jack was stunned by his appearance at the tent. Ennis wanted to look at him but felt that he had hurt Jack and was afraid he would send him away. When Jack sat up and put his hand on Ennis' arm, the world dissolved for him and all that remained was Jack. His Jack. He felt him take his hat and put it on the tent floor. He heard Jack say very gently, very softly "It's alright. It's alright. It's alright."

The dam of Ennis feelings was getting ready to crumble and did when Jack touched his face and ran his lips over Ennis'. Ennis could only close his eyes as all of his newly-discovered feelings for Jack flooded his heart and brain. Jack kissed him softly and Ennis responded with a tenderness and gentleness that he didn't know he possessed..

Ennis would never recover from that kiss.


	2. Ennis Speaks

_**Ennis Speaks**_

Ennis had been around Jack for a few weeks now and had found himself, surprisingly, getting to like him. Jack was boastful, complained about everything, and couldn't play a harmonica worth a damn but, Ennis had to agree, he was funny, eager to laugh, and talkative. Ennis actually liked listening to Jack ramble on and on about….well, anything…and nothing…because Jack didn't require him to answer or comment or nothing. Jack was his own audience. He had from the start included Ennis as if he had always been a part of Jack's existence and this was something almost unheard of in Ennis' short life. Ennis now looked forward to seeing Jack when it was time to come back to camp, mostly because Jack had shown him he just wanted Ennis around without wanting anything from him.

This particular day, they had been drinking…a lot. Jack felt that he had come to know Ennis well enough that he might ask him more personal questions. "Did your brother and sister do right by you?" Ennis replied, not in two or three words, but in a long string of them telling more about himself than he ever had. Jack was so stunned as Ennis' kept talkingthat he could only stare at him, the whiskey bottle forgotten in mid-rise to his mouth. Jack had never heard him speak so many words in a row.

Jack put his head down and stared straight ahead. He couldn't describe how he felt. Ennis had talked about himself! This was a truly special moment between the two of them and Jack knew this immediately. He looked sideways at Ennis. Ennis had finished talking and saw that Jack was just staring at him. "What?" said Ennis. "Friend, them's more words than you spoke in the last two weeks!" Jack said. Ennis replied, kinda proud of what he had done, "Them's more words than I spoke in a year." Ennis looked back at Jack, a little smile on his lips, and on his face was written "for you I did this."

And then because he was on a roll and was feeling frisky with this newfound ability to speak about his own life, he decided to screw with Jack. "My father was a pretty good roper in his day…(and here it came) but, my daddy, he always thought rodeo cowboys was fuck-ups." Well, Jack, still stunned by Ennis actually talking, was now at a complete loss for words. This was a new Ennis del Mar. Jack's eyes went kinda squinchy and he continued to stare at Ennis. The only thing he could get out was "The hell we are," kinda weak, but that's all he could come up with at the moment. Ennis saw Jack's response building but held back the laughter that came bubbling up inside.

Suddenly, Jack jumped up and yelled "Yeeeehaaawwww!" right in Ennis' face. He began to jump around like he was riding a bull, hollering at the top of his lungs about how long he could stay on, waving his hat at all the ladies in the stands, spilling whiskey at each jump. Ennis, for the first time in he couldn't remember when, smiled and began to chuckle at Jack's antics, watching him make a fool of himself…only to watch Jack make even a greater fool of himself when he fell, tripping over a stack of wood a short distance from the fire. By that time, Ennis was grinning from ear to ear, and enjoying himself so much over rilingt Jack that no one would have known that smiling and laughing was something he had not done for a very long time. Invisible observers would have commented on the joy he felt as he watched Jack jump around and then fall, how his heart had begun to thaw and open to let someone in, how the hard and tough exterior had begun to melt.

Jack lay on the ground laughing and trying to catch his breath. He had been watching Ennis…closely watching him for weeks…but really watching him now. He was thrilled beyond belief that his mission to make Ennis laugh had finally found success…and what success. He had seen the bait that Ennis had put out for him…you can't fool a fooler and Jack was far more experienced at this kind of mischief than Ennis would ever be. He saw his chance and grabbed it with both hands. Would he finally be able to get him to crack open this hard exterior of his and smile, even just once? When he threw in the fall for good measure, he saw Ennis not just smile but laugh…a wondeful thing to hear. Ennis had made contact with another person and had laughed. Jack lay there watching Ennis for a short time, reveling in this bit of manipulation that had helped to bring Ennis out of his shell and into the world.

Jack thought this was a great first step.


	3. Lightning Flashes

Lightening Flashes

Jack never felt the wall Ennis slammed him into.

He didn't know if he was see or hear…his mind stunned into blankness.

All that Jack was vaguely aware of was that Ennis had struck like lightning, completely overwhelming him. It had been too sudden.

Ennis, in one searing flash, had exposed all of his longing and desire for Jack…had opened a heart to Jack that had never opened to another…and in that moment told Jack that Ennis wanted him…only him…that Jack was his, that he was for Ennis.

When Ennis came up for air, in that split second moment in time, Jack saw Ennis clearly…all that Ennis was demanding of him…all that Ennis was giving to him…and his heart blazed with his own longing, his long-held desire and love for Ennis. He knew clearly now where he stood with Ennis.

Lightning coiled within Jack.

It was his turn now.

Ennis never felt the wall Jack slammed him into…..


	4. Transition

Transition

Ennis walked alone through the forest, not deep in the mountains like he and Jack used to go, but lower…not really that far from the road. They had all come in four-wheel drive SUVs so not a problem to get up this far. He mumbled under his breath, cussing softly to himself. How did he let all the younguns talk him into coming out here? He knew the answer though. He could deny his grandkids nothing…even this. They had ganged up on him, one by one and in packs for weeks, to get him to take this trip. He had fought hard and resisted their attempts more for the game itself than for his need to stay away. It had become too hard over the years to see the mountains and forests and not be reminded of Jack.

It was his 60th birthday. He had not been able to go to the mountains for some years now. Arthritis had set in from his life of hard work and he had been diagnosed with high blood pressure two years before. He hadn't been on a horse for a couple of years now. He was on medication but it had taken Alma Jr. and Francine no small amount of trouble to get their father to take it. Alma Jr. had also talked to her father, often, about going to see someone…to talk to someone…maybe getting some help for this lifetime of sadness and loss that she saw her father carry everywhere he went. He would just smile at her, pat her on her cheek and tell her that it was alright…"no need to bother another soul with my problems."

They were all here…his daughters and their husbands along with the five grandkids, all teenagers now. They were a handful and knew that they could get there granddad to come up here if they just persisted. They loved their grandfather, as his daughters did, and mysteriously had always known just how to deal with Ennis…how to patiently work past the pain and sadness to find a smile or a laugh that they could tease out of him. He loved his children and their children as much as he could given his heart was always somewhere else…with someone else…and truly enjoyed the time he could spend with them – these little lights in his life.

He walked…not too far from where everyone was setting up the folding tables and chairs, laying out the food and the cake. He told them he just needed a moment. He had been more tired than usual the last week or so and knew that he couldn't walk far. He would often wake and lie in bed far longer than he would have in the recent past. He had been feeling a tightening in his chest but told no one thinking it would pass…that it really was nothing but his advancing age and his hard life. He hadn't walked far when he found himself short of breath and thought that he should probably sit for a moment. There was a small clearing ahead with a view of the mountains and the clear blue sky. He sat on the ground and rested against an old log. He looked out to the mountains but was not one to see the beauty in things like this and, Lord knows, Jack had tried, often and without much success, to show this side of nature to him.

He had felt Jack closer to him lately than in many years. In his dreams, they talked…about what Ennis could never remember but knew that he was there every night. During the day, he would catch himself looking around as if Jack had called him, or turning at a familiar touch on his shoulder. Jack was very present for Ennis these days. It pained him to have Jack so close and yet so far away…but at the same time, it stirred the old feelings in him and caused a warm fire to glow inside that had been ashes for so many, many years now.

Ennis felt so tired now…it was harder to keep his eyes open. The doctor had said he needed to slow down but he kept working hard as he always had. He probably shouldn't have walked off like this. He was annoyed at the tightness of his chest. Would that ever ease up? Ennis slid down the log and rested his head on it closing his eyes for a moment…just a moment to rest. Just a moment to remember Jack…

_Ennis' eyes opened lazily. He looked up and saw the blazing white of the snow on the mountains, a hawk silently soaring over the forest, the deep green of the trees laid out like carpet before him the crystal clear blue of the sky. He thought to himself how Jack would have liked it here…all this beauty to take in. He wondered why he hadn't seen this before…it was right there…and how many times had Jack tried to show him. He seemed to be feeling better but didn't want to move. A soothing feeling of being at ease had engulfed him. He closed his eyes for a moment._

Ennis, laying in the clearing resting on the log, looked peaceful and at ease. But that was just an illusion. His breathing had become shallow and his skin pale…he was sweating and his body would occasionally spasm with pain. He was losing consciousness.

_He thought he heard someone call his name…like from a great distance. He struggled to open his eyes…he knew that voice. Once open he shielded his eyes from the brightness of the world around him. Everything seemed to jump out at him and ask to be looked upon and appreciated. Life was rampant around him. He felt a golden warmth course through him._

He heard someone call his name again, this time close and very soft…a voice filled with care and familliarity. He felt a hand softly brush the hair from his forehead. It didn't startle him. It seemed…right . The touch sent a fire of remembered intimacy coursing through him and his pain, sorrow and loss began to ease and soften. "Ennis." His name was called again…softly. He turned to look to his left and saw that his head was resting on someone's lap. He looked up and in the moment that he met Jack's eyes, all that had gone before since Jack's death vanished. There was only Jack and Ennis in this world of life and beauty and peace. "Little darlin'," now came easily to Ennis' lips.

Ennis' body stiffened as the first pulse of pain arced through his left arm and his heart spasmed…

_Ennis sat up feeling strong and vibrant like the world around him. He turned, suddenly remembering that he had just seen Jack…not in a dream like he had been coming to Ennis but real, solid, living. He heard his name called again…"Ennis"… and got up, turning to see Jack, his Jack, standing a short distance away watching him…a smile like none Ennis had ever seen Jack smile before. It was Jack…in every way that Ennis remembered…but even more so. Ennis could feel the love Jack had for him radiating like the sun on a summer day. He felt the years of darkness without Jack disappear leaving only and forever his love for Jack. Ennis walked toward Jack and with each step felt his being expand and fill the world around him._

His breathing had begun to slow, his heart stopping…the life of the body ending.

_He reached Jack and looking in his eyes saw all the love that he had denied himself and Jack all those years ago. But now, there was no reason for Ennis to deny anymore. "Jack.." Ennis found that there really was no need to speak. He loved Jack and that was clear to him now. He loved him with everything that he had within him and knew that Jack loved him the same. He reached up and laid his hand on Jack's face. The touch was electric. Ennis felt the boundaries of his self beginning to dissolve. Jack's hand came to rest softly on Ennis' and with that there was no longer Ennis or Jack but two souls who had loved each other for eternity…who had met for awhile in the world…lessons to be learned…and were now free to be one in all ways...to love as they had been created to._


	5. Freedom

_**Freedom**_

Ennis had been working on his truck when he caught sight of Kurt and Alma, Jr. coming down the road to the trailer in the brand new truck they had just bought. Kurt had done well for himself and, with Alma, Jr. working, had managed to put aside a sizable nest egg. It was a cold, grey day…the wind blowing steadily, clouds covering the sky. Ennis forgot all about that as his daughter and son-in-law pulled up the dirt driveway to the trailer.

"Hey, Daddy!" Alma said as she waved from the truck.

"Hey, darlin'," Ennis replied…always happy to see his daughter.

Alma, Junior was the one, true spot of brightness in his life…actually Alma and Kurt together. Her visits, her smile, her love for Ennis had kept him from drowning in the darkness and despair after Jack's death. He had shut himself down but she had forced her way into his life and now, at 25, had become a major reason for Ennis to continue, to keep him from looking at the vast emptiness that surrounded him.

She had seen the sudden and dreadful fall he had taken a few years back. For weeks he was either gone who knows where or he wouldn't answer when she came to the trailer. She had decided that she couldn't lose him now after their relationship had taken off so well.

Her father didn't know but she had put his fall into depression and the end of his fishing trips together and knew it had something to do with Mr. Twist. That plus things her mother had said over the years and she had come up with a reasonable understanding of what had happened…and what had been. After all, she was from a generation a bit more enlightened than his and she was not particularly shocked by this information. Her father had loved someone who now was gone and that was all that was important.

Kurt had become to Ennis more than just a son-in-law. Ennis had been concerned that Kurt was like other men he had known in his life and would not do Alma right so had been distrustful of him for a couple of years. But it had become clear to Ennis that Kurt did truly love Alma, Jr. and always treated her with respect. He had relented and allowed himself to like the man. Ennis saw him more now as the son he had wanted. Kurt was a big man, 6' 4", strong, and likable. He laughed a lot, talked a lot, and was very phycical with those he was close to. He never failed to give Ennis a hearty handshake and pat on the back and, once in a fit of excitement, had grabbed Ennis in a bear hug before Ennis knew what was happening. He'd had to check his ribs after to make sure none had broken.

For Kurt, Ennis was the father he had never really had…his father had left when he was young. He had been raised with a mother and two sisters and now enjoyed the attention and example of an older man/father figure in his life. He saw Ennis as straightforward and no-nonsense and respected the hell out of him. You knew where you stood with Ennis and he never let Kurt get away with anything. Kurt loved Ennis. He called him Mr. del Mar (and pronounced it correctly…DEL mar not del MAR), mostly just to rile Ennis up but also because he respected Ennis.

Kurt saw the heavy burden that Ennis carried and felt for this man he had come to know. He and Alma had spoken about Ennis so Kurt had some kind of idea of what Ennis had endured. Kurt, unlike many people in his geographical area, was understanding and accepting of people. This information did not alter his view of Ennis one bit but did make him try at every opportunity to show Ennis support and friendship.

Alma, Jr. jumped from the truck clutching her jacket to her and, reaching her father, gave him a big hug. Kurt had gotten out of the truck by now and grabbed Ennis' hand shaking it heartily.

Ennis was glad to see them both and, though it was a surprise, was happy they had come by. It suddenly didn't seem so cold and overcast.

"What are the two of you doing way out over here? This some kind of holiday I don't know about?" Ennis asked.

"No, Daddy, we was just in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by." Alma said sweetly but with just a touch of mischief in her voice.

"Come on now. There ain't nothing in this neighborhood you'd be here for so what's this all about?" Ennis was not fooled by his daughter and, truthfully, there was no reason for them to be in the neighborhood except to see him.

Alma, Jr.'s smile broadened and she looked over at Kurt who nodded. She ran back to the truck and started pulling out bags and packages. Ennis could only watch mystified as she stumbled over with her spoils.

When Alma, Jr. reached her father, she could barely contain her excitement.

"Daddy, Kurt and I got some things for you and before you start saying anything….well, just don't say anything. You just take a look at what we got you and I hope you can use 'em." Alma, Jr. was trying to forestall any arguments Ennis was going to come up with because she didn't want to have to fight to get him to take these gifts.

"Junior…" was as far as Ennis got because right about then Kurt said,

"Mr. del Mar," in such a way that Ennis turned to him with one eyebrow raised. Kurt had a stern expression on his face that told Ennis he simply needed to accept this…except that he couldn't hold such a face for long and started to smile.

"Daddy, for a long time now I seen you wearing the same clothes day in and out, worn and used up and Kurt and I just decided that we was going to fix that. So we went out and bought you a bunch of new clothes…jeans, shirts, and stuff like that. But before I show you those, I want to give you this one first." And she handed Ennis a big package. He tried to say something but Kurt looked at him again with that look and Alma just stared at him daring him to refuse these gifts given with thoughtfulness and love.

Ennis let out a quiet sigh knowing that there was no chance of his stating his side of things…that he would rather they spend their money on themselves, that he was doing fine just as he was, that he didn't need any handouts. So he walked over to the steps of the trailer with his package and sat down. Ennis started shaking the package like he could figure out what was inside all the time looking at his daughter. "Daddy!" was what he got out of her. Ennis smiled a little at the teasing he had done.

He tore the paper off…this one was wrapped like a present…and uncovered the box underneath. Taking the top off and brushing aside the paper that covered the gift, he found a jacket…a work jacket but an expensive one. Ennis could only stare. He had never had anything this fine and found he was speechless. He looked up at Alma, Jr. who was smiling ear to ear. He looked at Kurt who was watching Ennis with a kind of frown, waiting to hear if Ennis liked his gift. He looked back down because he was tearing up and didn't want the two of them to see. He ran his hand over the fine leather and tried again to say thank you but couldn't get it out. Alma, Jr. saw this and jumped to cover the awkwardness.

"Daddy, try it on." Ennis could only sit there looking at this fine coat. Kurt took the coat and shook it out.

"Come on Mr. del Mar, let's see what ya look like in it." Kurt said holding up the jacket for Ennis.

Ennis got up, took his old, worn jacket off and, looking at Alma then Kurt, stepped over and put his arms in the sleeves. Kurt adjusted the shoulders and stepped back.

"Mighty fine," Kurt said, very pleased.

"You look very handsome, Daddy," Alma said.

Ennis ran his hands down the leather of a sleeve. It was a beautiful piece of work and he was very happy. Still not able to speak without betraying his feelings, he shook Kurt's hand and hugged his daughter. Both knew that he liked the jacket very much and was finding it difficult to say so.

Alma, Jr. was suddenly busy opening more packages. He was thrust into a frenzy of "is that the right size?" and "do you like this color?" They had brought new jeans, shirts, socks, a new pair of work boots…all things that he desperately needed but would never have sprung for or asked for.

When it was all over, Ennis' head spinning from the many new items he had been given, he was finally able to say "thank you," quietly but sincerely to them both. He kissed his daughter and went to shake Kurt's hand but ended up in one of his bear hugs.

Ennis was as happy as he had been in a long time.

Ennis and Kurt had gone over to the new truck. Alma, Jr. said to her father that she was going in to hang up his new clothes. Ennis heard her but didn't grasp at the time what she had said.

As Alma, Jr. entered the trailer she wondered how he managed year after year to live like this. She looked around but couldn't find any place to hang all his new clothes except the closet in the back of the trailer. She put all the packages on the floor and opened the closet door. There on a nail were two shirts – one plaid on the outside, one denim nestled inside the other. There was a postcard of a mountain tacked to the closet door. She touched the shirts respectfully and her eyes began to shine with unshed tears as she realized what they meant…as she knew suddenly that hidden deep inside her father still cared for this man called Twist. Her heart clenched at the pain she knew her father must be enduring but had never shown to anyone. What would she be feeling if she had lost Kurt…the only man she loved or would likely ever love?

Ennis had heard his daughter say she was going in the trailer to hang clothes up but he had been distracted by all the excitement of the gifts and the talk about the new truck with Kurt. A few minutes went by before it occurred to Ennis what Alma, Jr. had said and what it meant. In a flash Ennis realized that the only place Alma could put these items was in the closet…where no one had been before...where his and Jack's shirts hung.

"ALMA, WAIT," he shouted and turned to run to the trailer. Kurt was caught flat-footed and had no clue as to what was happening or how to respond.

Ennis hit the door and it slammed open as he ran inside to stop Alma, Jr. from finding this hidden part of his soul. As he came through the door, Alma, Jr. was standing in front of the open closet, her hand very lightly touching the shirts. Kurt was trying to open the trailer door which had jammed shut as Ennis had rushed in.

"ALMA," he said one more time, though not as forcefully as before…suddenly he had begun to feel weak and nearly unable to stand. He wanted to run and snatch her away from this deep and private part of himself but it was his daughter and he was unable to move. Anyone else he would have killed.

Her eyes kind of sparkly from the beginning of tears, Alma, Jr. turned to her father and politely and respectfully said to him, "You loved him very much, didn't you Daddy?"..

The world around Ennis had begun to shrink into a pinpoint ahead of him, the shirts bulls-eyed in that pinpoint. His fear of others finding out, the shame he felt over loving a man, the guilt of his not protecting Jack, the secret he had kept for so long…all these things now came rushing to the surface. Ennis was shaking and part of his brain remembered that Thanksgiving and the blow up with Alma in the kitchen. He worked to restrain himself from doing anything like he did that day.

Part of Ennis heard that Alma, Jr. had spoken to him without judgment, condemnation, or ridicule. He heard her love for him in her voice. He heard that she knew he was in pain and wanted to help.

He heard the next voice, it couldn't have been his, and wondered who had spoken,

"Yes."

"I remember meeting him, Daddy, at the ranch that time. I've always thought he was a very nice man." She had carefully stepped closer to him seeing the signs of his rage, tears slowly rolling down her face. "I watched the two of you that day when Francine and I met him. I saw how he looked at you, Daddy…I saw how excited he was to see you. I know that he loved you Daddy." She stepped closer.

"Daddy, will you tell me about him?"

Ennis was unable to manage standing any longer, his knees had begun to give on him and, like that last argument with Jack, he crumpled to the ground. Alma tried to catch him but she wasn't strong enough.

Kurt had just managed to get in the door.

"ENNIS!" The first time Kurt had ever called him by his first name. He grabbed Ennis before he and Alma ended up on the floor.

Ennis was sobbing now, uncontrollably. Kurt's face showed his astonishment when he turned to Alma, Jr., but she put her hand on his arm and he kept any comments to himself.

All the feelings Ennis had been holding in for so long, that he had kept so deep all these years had begun to surface. He was adrift and didn't know where to turn. His fear had always been that when his secret was found out, violence would follow. But there was no violence here, no possibility of violence. Only Alma, Jr. talking to him, reassuring him that everything was okay…Kurt holding him, protecting him from any harm. His body's defense to a tire iron had risen up inside but wasn't necessary. The child that had seen the result of violence so long ago cringed now from an impact that wasn't going to come.

Much of what Alma, Jr. was saying was registering with some part of Ennis and he had begun to feel like he was safe…protected in this small trailer with these two people he so loved. The more he realized this, the more his longtime fear of discovery vanished. As his fear vanished, the feelings that he had hidden behind it surfaced…the times in the mountains, his love for Jack, Jack's smile, his laugh, his smell. Most especially those days on Brokeback. All of these things he had pushed down because of fear.

This fear – he had asked Jack once if he thought the people on the streets knew…knew about them, knew that the one love of his life was a man, knew of the love they shared, knew that they needed to die for it. Jack hadn't understood but it haunted Ennis…until now.

With fear evaporating, he saw now that it wasn't the others…no one on the street knew him or cared. They didn't know that he had loved a man more than anyone in his life. They didn't know that he pined for this man every day. They didn't know anything about him!

Then it hit him…so hard he stopped crying, nearly stopped breathing…HE was the one, the only one who had thought the others knew, HE was the one who saw condemnation in everyone else's eyes, HE was the one who saw a tire iron in every hand and HE had been the one to turn Jack away because of his fear. Realizing his fear was HIS fear and belonged to no one else, he chose to let it go.

Suddenly Jack was there, all around him. He was nearly palpable. Ennis could now accept that Jack had meant everything to him and it was okay for him to feel this..to hold his love for Jack in his heart rather than buried deep down inside. It was okay to feel sad, to feel the loss of Jack, to know that he would never be around again. It was okay now to say "Jack, I love you."

He sat up, Alma, Jr. and Kurt backing up some. His tears had stopped. Alma, Jr. had stepped to the sink to get a wet cloth for her father. Kurt had stood up and moved to sit in one of the chairs. Ennis got to his feet and Alma handed him the wet cloth. Ennis wiped his face.

He remembered that he had on his new coat and, very carefully, took it off, went to the closet and hung his coat there. As he turned, he stopped in front of the shirts…which now had new meaning to him…placed a hand for a moment on them both and walked toward Alma, Jr. and Kurt to tell them the story of Jack Twist.


	6. Freedom, Part II

Freedom, Part II

It has been six months or so since Ennis had opened up and talked to Alma, Jr. and Kurt about Jack. Six months for him to get used to this newfound freedom he had discovered. He felt like he was able to breathe again after a long period of suffocation. He smiled more often and laughed more readily.

He was now able to think about Jack in happier terms. He found himself talking to him a lot in his head and had often found himself speaking out loud as if Jack stood right next to him. All better for letting go of his fear.

He had cleaned his trailer up, built a little deck near the steps to the door, and was wearing with pride his new, expensive leather jacket that Alma, Jr. and Kurt had got him. Not to work, of course. But occasionally when he went in to town. All in all, things were looking up for Ennis.

He had not heard from the kids in some time now and had started to become concerned. He didn't have a phone so depended on them coming to his trailer. He could go to their house, but he usually felt like it was an imposition…despite the many times that Alma and Kurt had said it wasn't.

It was the next day when Kurt came by the house. By himself. Ennis happened to be outside when he drove up.

"Kurt!" Ennis shouted as he drove up in his truck.

"Ennis!"

Ever since the night that Ennis had sat down with the kids and, from deep inside himself, told the story of Jack Twist…who he was, what he had meant to Ennis, what he still meant…Kurt had never called Ennis "Mr. del Mar" again. Ennis had said to Kurt before they left that he felt now that Kurt was closer to him than anyone except his daughter and that the "Mr. del Mar thing" had to go. He had thanked Kurt for his part that night in helping him to get past his fears. Kurt had put his head down, tears nearly falling, and was unable to speak. Ennis grabbed Kurt by the back of the neck, hard to do since he was so tall, and said that he would never forget what he had done. Kurt had always respected Ennis but now he felt a tangible bond had formed that would last the rest of their two lives. He loved Ennis as much as he was capable of loving another man and that never changed even once Ennis was gone.

Kurt bounded out of the truck and walked eagerly to greet Ennis. Ennis had some time back given up on a handshake from Kurt and now endured the big bear hugs Kurt was famous for. He never complained because he liked the guy so much and had come to like the contact with other people…so little he had allowed himself in the past.

"Ennis, you and me, we're goin' for a ride." Kurt said before Ennis could get a word in.

Ennis naturally asked "Where to, bud?"

But all Kurt had to say was "Can't tell ya. It's a surprise."

Ennis looked at Kurt kinda under his hat and was wondering what this big galloot had in mind. This was not Kurt's normal way of handling things so Ennis was immediately suspicious.

"Well, Kurt, ya know, I got some things goin' on around here right now I gotta take care of…." Ennis started to say.

"Nope, you're coming with me….won't take no for an answer. Pack your scrawny ass in the truck. We're headin' out."

Ennis just looked at him now kinda sideways and under his hat. This was certainly not the normal Kurt!. His suspicions deepened.

"Okay, Kurt, I'll go just don't you throw me over your shoulder and carry me to the truck. Let me get my smokes and I'll be right there." Ennis went inside the trailer, got his cigarettes, changed his leather jacket for a heavier, used jacket and strolled on over to Kurt's truck.

They had been driving for awhile when Ennis asked Kurt where they were going. Kurt just mumbled something about "it's not too far away" and "just relax". Having no control over the situation, Ennis just smoked his cigarettes and looked out the window.

They soon came to…a car dealership. Ennis looked puzzled and started to launch into Kurt when he jumped out of the truck waving for Ennis to follow. When Ennis caught up with him, Kurt started in about how he had been wanting to get Alma a new car, one all her own, and would Ennis help him pick one out since he knew his daughter pretty good…and on and on.

Ennis by this point was completely confused. He would no more know what kind of car his daughter wanted or which kind she should have than one of the cows on the farm would know how to drive a tractor. Kurt was by now moving from car to car with a salesman in tow asking this question and that, calling Ennis over to ask him questions about horsepower and suspensions and electric windows or standard versus automatic. Ennis couldn't answer so just kept nodding his head.

This went on for about three hours…Ennis was ready to throttle Kurt. He didn't like being this far from home and the people here made him nervous. Right about the time that Ennis was going to take his hat and start beating Kurt about his head and shoulders, Kurt suddenly stopped and looked at watch.

"Whoah, time to go," he said. The salesman stood stunned having worked with him now for so long with the prospect of a commission hanging in front of him (Kurt had been looking at some high-end cars) and Ennis…well, he thought that Kurt had simply lost it…completely.

He started towards the truck when he noticed that Ennis hadn't moved and was simply staring at Kurt, mouth open, hands turned forward with this "what the hell!" expression on his face..

"Hey old man, you better get on over here 'fore I leave you where you stand."

Ennis had no choice, again, but to get in the truck.

When they were on their way, Ennis just turned and looked at Kurt, who wouldn't look at Ennis…though Ennis caught him trying to steal a glance out the corner of his eye. Ennis also noted a stupid grin that Kurt had acquired.

They rode in silence back toward Riverton but when the turnoff to the trailer came, Kurt didn't take it.

"Uh, Kurt, the trailer's that way," Ennis pointed.

"Uh huh," was all Kurt managed to say.

"Kurt. Where are we goin'?" Ennis said.

"Can't say," was Kurt's final answer.

The radio played country music.

They road for another forty-five minutes before Kurt pulled down a dirt side road. Ennis, by now, had completely given up trying to figure out Kurt and what was going on. He had been kidnapped, now he saw, but had no clue why.

At the end of the dirt road was a ranch house…a very nice ranch house. It had been painted recently and appeared solid and sturdy. All around the house, as far as Ennis could see, was land…ranch land his trained eye showed him. He noticed far in the distance some specks that he knew were cattle.

He could not have been more confused.

By now, Ennis could see, Kurt was fit to be tied. Ennis expected that his head would blow up at any minute. The image made Ennis laugh.

As they pulled up in front of the house, Ennis saw that Alma, Jr. was standing there shining like a beacon…a smile to rival Kurt's on her face. Ennis felt his head might explode.

Kurt stopped the truck and, without hesitation, ran over to Alma to stand next to her on the porch with his hand on her shoulder. Ennis sat in the truck for a minute, not understanding any of this, but finally got out when he saw Alma hopping from foot to foot with excitement.

"Daddy!" Alma called to him as he got out of the truck. He was watching the two of them like they were rattlesnakes dressed in human skin.

She ran off the porch to meet him and give him a big hug. He squinted his eyes at Kurt over Alma's head hoping to put the fear of God in him, but to no avail. Kurt never budged and never stopped smiling.

Alma had dragged him over to the porch and when they were all standing together she turned to her father.

"Daddy, Kurt and I have something real important to tell you." Ennis was listening but chose to look around as if he wasn't very interested.

"Daddy!" Alma slapped him on the arm. Ennis looked at her now and realized that he couldn't play the game anymore and had to listen to her. He gave her his whole attention and looked right at her.

"Daddy, Kurt and me, well, ya know that we been doing good what with Kurt bringing in the money he does and me working…we been able to live pretty good." She was beside herself and was in near tears with the excitement of whatever she was trying to say.

Kurt jumped in to say "Ennis, there's something you don't knows been happening here. Alma's right. I been doin' better at the job and bringing in more money. We've been able to put a lot aside. Well, this man I know…he's an older guy…he's been looking to get out of the ranching business and, to cut this short, we worked out a deal to take over his ranch….this ranch, Ennis. It's a sweet deal. We would have never gotten a chance like this ever again so we jumped when it came our way. So here we sit, Ennis. We got ourselves a ranch."

You could have shot Ennis in the heart and he would not have noticed.

Kurt continued, "We've been out here every chance we could get to fix up things around here. It's been a lot of work but we got it done and so here we are."

Now Ennis understood why he hadn't seen them so much lately.

Ennis could only look at them with a really stupid look on his face. He had heard Kurt say the words but they weren't making any sense in his brain.

"Ennis, we got ourselve a ranch!" Kurt was near to dancing on the porch.

Ennis stepped back a couple of steps, turned and walked off the porch, walked out past the driveway for a bit and just stood there looking around.

A few minutes later he walked back up on the porch and stated the obvious, "This is yours." All Kurt could do was nod and grin. Alma too.

"You don't know nothin' about ranches, Kurt." Ennis was not particularly subtle.

"You're right, Ennis, and that's the surprise!" Ennis was certain Kurt's head would now explode.

"Alma and me, we want you to come out here and run this ranch for us. Teach us what we need to know. Show us how make this into a real, working ranch. Ennis, you know I'm a hard-working man (Ennis did know this) and Alma here, well, she can outwork any two women I know. And you, well you know all there is about ranching and cows and all that." And suddenly Kurt straightened up and got dead serious. He looked Ennis straight in the face and said to him, "Ennis….Mr. del Mar….we'd be right honored if you would come take charge and make this into a place we can all be proud of. A place where people will come and say 'This is how a ranch oughta be run.'"

As before, all Ennis could do was stare at them both. All this had come too fast for Ennis. Typically, his brain didn't work at these speeds.

He was silent for a few minutes as he thought about all the things that Kurt and Alma had said. He now was able to accept that they owned a ranch. A working ranch. And they had asked him to come out and run it for them…to run a ranch for the two living people who meant the most to him.

As the importance of what he had been offered finally began to settle in his brain, his eyes began to mist over and he put his head down so his hat would cover his face, as he used to do when he was younge, scuffing at the dirt with the toe of his boot. He brought his finger up to wipe at his nose and help in keeping control.

He cleared his throat and then looked at them both.

Alma knew her father and that he wasn't able to say anything right now so she walked to him, hugged him and held him tightly. Kurt wasn't far behind and caught them both in his big arms. They stayed that way for a moment then Kurt walked a few steps away…his eyes misty also…and told Ennis that he wanted to show him the house.

It was a nice place. Comfortable, open, all the room that the two of them, and any more they might bring into the world, would need. They walked around the house for awhile. Ennis was suitably impressed.

Alma came up to him and said, "Daddy,we got something else to show you."

Kurt and Alma took him out the back door and in the distance among a small stand of trees was a smaller, white cabin. A walkway went from the main house to the cabin and along the way patches of wild flowers bloomed adding some color and life to the surroundings.

They got to the door and Alma stopped and stood in front of the door facing her father. She got very serious and looked him straight in the eye.

"Daddy, this house is for you. We want you to come stay here with us. Kurt and I have talked long about this and we don't want you staying in that trailer no more. We want you here, where you have family, where your grandkids can see you, where we can see you. Will you that for me, Daddy, for us?"

Ennis didn't know what to say. In a short span of time, he had been given a gift beyond any expectation he had ever had. He would be able to run a ranch rather than simply work on one. He would have family to be with. A place to call his own.

Alma saw all these things running through her father's mind and understood the enormity of what she had thrown at him. But there was one more thing.

"Daddy, will you come inside and look at it? It's a real nice place." She was begging her father to take one more step. Just come inside.

Ennis was finding it hard to see, what with whatever happened to be in his eye that was causing it to tear up. But he nodded to her and Kurt that he would.

Ennis didn't see that now there was some concern on her face…a little bit of hesitation. She turned to open the door and Ennis and Kurt followed her in.

It was not a large house but it was certainly larger than anything Ennis had lived in for a long time. There was a living room, kitchen, appliances. All the things one would expect to see. But in the midst of all this, he couldn't help but notice a couple of objects that rightly should not have been here but in his trailer.

Alma was standing near the door of what only could have been the bedroom. She was biting her lip and Kurt had this weird look on his face. Ennis was not sure if he wanted to see what these two had in store for him.

"Daddy, Kurt and I did a lot of talking about this. We didn't do this lightly. But we hoped we were doing the right thing for you. Daddy, while Kurt had you up to the car dealership," a jolt hit Ennis, "I went over to the trailer and moved all your stuff here," all his stuff "Daddy, please just don't say anything until you have a look," his heart slammed in his chest "We were real careful not to disturb anything…"

Alma had opened the door. Ennis started walking into the room. Kurt and Alma made way for him. The first thing he saw on his right was a brand new bed, end tables, a picture on the wall.

It was when he turned to his left that what they had done for him struck home. His knees didn't feel particularly strong enough to suppport him now. All he was able to do was stand with his hands by his side, clenched, not from anger but in order to maintain some kind of focus

On the wall next to the closet door…in the open…in a small alcove made especially for this, were his and Jack's shirts…hanging just as they had been. Over their right shoulder was the postcard tacked to the wall the same way it was in the trailer. But over the left shoulder was something new. One single tear rolled down Ennis' face.

It took Ennis a moment to focus, he'd had to wipe his eyes in order to see anything, but then, with a shock, he realized that it was a large picture of Jack…Jack Twist as he remembered him from so long ago…HIS Jack. This was a newspaper photo that had been cropped and blown up…a picture of Jack after he had married Lureen, before his mustache, selling farm equipment for her father-in-law…a tractor visible in the background. He was dressed up in his salesman clothes and was shaking someone's hand off camera. He was looking straight into the camera and his face was clearly seen. He had the broadest of grins on his face.

"Jack…" came from him very softly.

He managed to step forward to put his hand on the picture of the only person he had ever truly loved. The breath caught in Ennis' throat and his eyes began to water. He could clearly see Jack's eyes, his smile, the line of his neck…the things that he had admired and desired most in Jack. It was as if Jack was smiling at Ennis, as if he stood right in front of him ready to speak. Ennis wanted to reach out and grab him, to hold him one more time and he caught himself before he stepped forward.

"Daddy," Alma said very softly. She had stepped up and very lightly put her hand on her father's arm. "Daddy, once when momma was talking about you and Mr. Twist, she did that sometime after you were gone, she mentioned that he was from Childress, Texas. She had got it off a postcard he had sent. That vacation I told you I was taking a few months back…I went down to Childress to the library there. I asked them how could I look up to see if there was a picture of someone there. They said that maybe there might be something in the newspapers and I'd be free to look. I knew that you and Mr. Twist had been going on your fishing trips since I was little, so I went back a long way and started forward. It took me awhile but, with their help at the library, I managed to find a picture of him for you, Daddy."

"He was a very handsome man, Daddy. You oughta be proud."

This was too much for Ennis to take in all at once. Here these two had just offered him everything that he could possibly have wanted…a ranch to run, his daughter and son-in-law to be near, maybe grandkids. They had been there for him since the two had married. They had been there to help him when he had fought against his fear of the world and had come to accept his love for Jack.

And now they had brought Jack back to him. A picture of the man he had loved…a picture! He had never even considered that one existed. How many times had he wanted to be able to see Jack again, one more time. How many times had he needed something to help keep the memory of Jack alive. His greated fear had been that as time went on, he would forget what Jack looked like, forget Jack. Now, here he was standing in front of him. Ennis wasn't particularly a religious man but today he closed his eyes for a moment and gave heartfelt thanks for this miracle that had been presented to him.

Kurt and Alma were patiently, and with no small amount of dread, standing behind him, hand in hand. Kurt, not accustomed to crying, had tears rolling slowly down his face. They were unsure how Ennis would take what they had done. Ennis was a very private man and this had been an invasion of that privacy. Even if it was Kurt and Alma who did this it might not go well. But they felt, and hoped, that he would see the spirit in which they had been moved to provide him a place of comfort and safety for him….and Jack.

Ennis looked up once more at the picture, his sould ablaze with his love for Jack, then dropped his hand from the picture. He put his head down for a moment to gather his thoughts. He cleared his throat.

He turned and took his hat off. A show of respect for these two wonderful and loving human beings and said to them only,

"Let's go look at your ranch."


	7. Jack

_**Jack**_

Jack was there when Ennis came home…as he always was without fail.

Ennis hadn't gotten through the door when his hat went flying and the cussin' started.

"Fucking new ranch foreman! He's got his head stuck up his ass so far he can count his own teeth! Do you know what he told me today? Get this, Jack. He…." And Ennis went off on this elaborate description of cattle and calves and birthing and the stupidity of men who had no real ranch experience but had a degree in "animal husb'ndry."

Jack sat back ready for this to go on for awhile. As of late, Ennis had grown more and more angry…rageful would be a better word. That was bad enough but what followed the anger...when he couldn't use it to hide his pain any longer…was depression, deep and dark.

He drank more, smoked more, cussed more…but Jack could only stand by and watch. He could try to console him, to assure him things were going to be fine, but he couldn't get through to Ennis. It was excruciating for Jack to see him this way and not be able to help. Jack often cried for the pain that Ennis was carrying. He prayed a lot for this man he loved. This was something new that had come to him some years back.

Ennis was going to take the path he needed to take and there really was nothing Jack could do about it.

Jack had not missed the fact that Ennis wasn't looking good lately. His skin was gray. His breathing at times labored. He refused to go the doctor. He refused any help. It was as if he wanted to die. Jack could only watch.

Ennis had finallly begun to wind down. He was breathing heavy. His hand went to rub his chest which had been tightening up on him this last month. His eyes watered as the anger began to dissipitate. He just stood at the sink, his head bowed.

"Jack?" Ennis said, like a lost little boy.

"I'm here, Ennis." Jack said.

Jack knew what was coming next. Ennis reached down in the cabinet and pulled out a bottle. Ennis was hoping he wouldn't be awake much longer. He straightened up and his eyes kinda looked inwards as if remembering times past.

Ennis opened the bottle and took a long drink. He stood in the middle of the room, not moving, going nowhere.

Jack went to stand behind Ennis and put his arms around him like Ennis had done for him those many, long years ago. It wouldn't be much help for Ennis but it would be something. Jack stood there with Ennis until he knew that he had begun to calm down. It was all that Jack could do for him.

Ennis moved. Jack released him. Another long drink from the bottle. Ennis wiped his hand over his mouth, then went to the closet and opened the door.

There hung his shirt from Brokeback with Jack's nestled lovingly within…the blood on the sleeves still visible all these years later. The postcard now yellow with age and cracking around the edges.

Ennis stood quietly and lightly stroked both shirts with the tips of his fingers.

"Jack…I miss you something fierce. It's too hard, Friend, being here all alone, without you. I'm not strong, Jack, like you always thought I was. You was the strong one, Jack. But there's nothing can be done about any of this now. If you can't fix it…."

One single tear rolled down his face.

"I love you Jack Twist…Jack Fucking Twist…and I always will. Forever. I swear…"

Ennis took a moment with his hands on the shirts then gently closed the door to the closet, sat on the edge of the bed, and set about drinking himself into unconsciousness.

Jack sat with him, his hand on Ennis' thigh, as they had sat so many times before…Jack's face radiant with his love for this man, yet sad…so sad…because he understood Ennis' pain. He felt everything that Ennis felt. That's how it is with soulmates. It's not just a physical connection but something that transcends the material.

Jack loved this man more than anything. He had been told he could go on to a better place but chose to stay here with Ennis, to do whatever he could to comfort him, to ease his burden, to never leave his side. He didn't want Ennis to be alone.

And one day, Jack knew, Ennis would turn and be able to see him sitting there, his love for Ennis shining like a great light.

And one day, Jack knew, Ennis would know a love for him greater than any he could have down in the world. He would know that his pain and suffering were gone but that it had been part of a greater plan and he would accept that.

They would come together, two souls, halves of one greater soul, and move on to a greater place.


	8. Disaster

_**Disaster**_

They were going to a different place than usual for their fishing trip this time. Someplace that Jack had suggested. He said he had heard about it from some tractor salesman he had met in Texas at one of his conventions. They had started talking somehow about hunting and fishing…Jack had mentioned a couple of places he had been (all of them with Ennis of course) when Jesse, the tractor salesman, told him about this little range of mountains he had hunted.

He showed Jack pictures of the hills and ranges and of the wildlife they had bagged. Jack immediately thought of Ennis and how great it would be to explore a new place with him…go somewhere they hadn't been…maybe bring back some of the feeling of the old days. He was concerned about Ennis lately and thought this would be a great way to bring some light back to his eyes.

Ennis had his doubts about this new location and said so. He was comfortable with the places they had gone all these years…he knew them like the back of his hand. But Jack had been so excited, talking real fast with his eyes all shining bright…acting like a kid who'd just got a bike for his birthday…that Ennis couldn't deny him. So, dropping his head to look at the ground, with a smile half-hidden by his hat, he agreed to check out this new place of Jack's.

Jack had said nothing about all this being for Ennis since he knew that Ennis wouldn't want him making that kind of fuss. But Ennis knew that Jack was doing this all for him...to try to bring some excitement into his life now that he had been living alone for so long. To try to get him to open up instead of shutting down even more. He knew that he had begun to slip and knew he needed help…but also knew that he could never ask for it.

He didn't dare look up at Jack now. If he did he knew that he wouldn't be able to control himself and would reach for him to hold him tight. Jack didn't know that it only took a little thing…one small thoughtful thing from Jack…to cause his ears to burn and his heart to beat faster. Jack acting like this was almost more than he could stand.

He could feel Jack shaking with the anticipation, though he was ten feet away, with the desire to help Ennis and this only made it worse for him. But the truth was they weren't in a place where he could let those feelings go. So he gruffly told Jack to get himself ready. Jack smiled and bobbed his head to look at Ennis' face under his hat and try to see what he was feeling but Ennis only kept his head down. Only when Jack turned around to go could Ennis raise his head to look at him walk away…and release the death grip he had on the door handle of the truck he was standing against.

On the third day of their trip, they were riding on a particularly rough part of the mountain ridge. It was rough going for them and the horses, the area being strewn with rocks of all sizes. It was afternoon before they were able to find a place to stop and rest. There was a good clearing here, some sparse grass for the horses, and a level spot for Ennis and Jack to set up a small camp and cook some lunch.

The clearing they had stopped in was near the edge of a mountain that, in millenia past, had lost nearly half of its bulk in some cataclysmic event. The mountain was sheared from top to bottom.

Jack had helped Ennis set up what was needed to cook and left Ennis to it since he was the better of the two at it. He walked around a little just enjoying the sun and the fresh air. Ennis had seemed to pick up some after the harmonica incident yesterday so Jack was able to free himself of any feelings of having hurt Ennis.

He had wandered toward the edge of the cliff face, just exploring. He was experienced at being on mountains so knew how far he could and could not go. Ennis had been keeping watch on Jack as he always did…without letting Jack know and so saw him approaching the edge.

"Jack, you wanta stay away from the edge now." Ennis said loudly because Jack was some distance away from him.

"I'm fine Ennis. I know what I'm doing," which caused Ennis to chuckle since Jack always said that about things he didn't know how to do.

"Jack, don't make me come over there like one of my kids that don't listen," Ennis shouted again. As he looked down for a moment at the food he was cooking he heard Jack say "Fuck you Ennis. I been on mountains long enough….." There was the sound of scrambling and gravel sliding.

Ennis looked up in time to see Jack's hat slide over the edge of the clilff.

"JACK," Ennis cried as he jumped over the cooking fire to run to the mountain edge. His body slammed into a state of emergency…his eyesight keen, his strength beyond normal, his mind quick and alert.

"JACK, JACK…" he shouted. He got to the edge now being careful not to panic and move to fast or end up like Jack. He continued to call his name again and again as he moved back and forth along the cliff edge, his mind refusing to accept any scenario that didn't involve Jack coming out of this alive.

"Ennis", he heard. A weak sound but coming from very close, nearly beneath where he now stood.

"JACK, WHERE ARE YOU?" Ennis' voice was cracking.

"Ennis, I gotta hold of a tree here but I need some help."

"Jack, I gotta get a rope. Can you hold on?" Ennis was near panicking now but kept telling himself that Jack needed him, Jack needed him, Jack needed him.

Jack came back "Yeah, Ennis, I'll be fine, just you take your time now, ok?"

Ennis snarled. "Jack fucking Twist…gotta crack a joke at a time like this."

"Get a rope", he said to himself.

He began to carefully back away until he felt safe to get up and run. He took one of the horses near to the edge, tied the rope to the saddle horn, made a loop at the end, and began to unwind it to throw over the edge.

"Jack, I'm gonna throw the rope but you gotta tell me where you are. Are you right or left of my voice?"

Jack said, "Right".

Ennis moved a few feet and threw the rope.

Jack yelled "Ennis, a little more to your right."

Ennis pulled the rope back and moved a few more feet. When he threw the rope this time, Jack yelled back that it was a good throw and he could reach it.

"Get that rope around your waist, Jack. I'm gonna use the horse to pull you up." Ennis gave him a second and Jack called up that he was ready. Ennis slowly walked the horse away from the edge. He saw Jack's head appear over the cliff face. He very nearly dropped everything to run over then but continued to guide the horse until Jack was safely onto level ground. Only then did Ennis stop.

Jack lay on the ground not daring to move, the rope still tied around his middle. His breathing had begun to slow down but his heart was still racing. He had indeed gotten hold of a tree on the way down which saved his fall but he had dared one look below him and saw a thousand feet of open air. There had been nothing under him that could have saved him.

He sat up seeing that he was at a safe distance from the edge and could get up without fear of falling again. To vent a little anger, he spit at the cliff edge. Didn't do much but it was all he could spare at the moment. He began to untie the rope from around his waist and to stand up so he could move further away from the edge.

As he turned he caught sight of Ennis and what blood was left in his face drained. Ennis was still standing near the horse, still had hold of the reins but had closed his eyes, had his hand near his face, and was shaking violently all over. Jack was sure the horse was the only thing holding him up.

As he discarded the untied rope, he began to run.

"ENNIS!"

But Ennis didn't open his eyes nor stop shaking. Jack got a little closer and called his name again. No response.

Jack was coming up on the rear of the horse when Ennis finally opened his eyes and looked at Jack. He stopped dead in his tracks. It was impossible from one second to the next to know what Ennis was thinking. His eyes flamed with anger one moment and then would go blank with the thought of the loss of Jack. His body still shook but seemed to be easing with the knowledge that Jack was alive and not at the bottom of the mountain.

Jack took one step but Ennis backed up.

"Ennis," Jack said softly. It was as if he didn't hear Jack.

Jack took another step and so did Ennis.

Jack said "Ennis, I'm here. I'm right here. It's okay. You saved my life Ennis. You did, Friend. I'm right here."

"Stop where you're standing, Jack," Ennis warned.

But with each plea to Ennis Jack stepped just a little closer. Finally he stood directly in front of Ennis and looked him straight in the face. Jack winced because Ennis had settled on anger to express at that moment.

Jack realized he had hurt Ennis more than anything he had ever done before by not taking to heart his warning about the cliff edge, but there was nothing he could do about that right now. He stepped a fraction closer fearing that Ennis would lash out and strike him down for what he had done to him. He still had not released the horse.

"Ennis, you saved my life back there. While I was hanging on that tree all I could think of was that I would lose you…that this would be it…I'm sorry Ennis. I'm sorry. I should have listened to you."

"I told you not to get too close," Ennis pushed out of a rigid face as he speared Jack with his gaze.

Jack decided that silence was a probably best at this moment.

Ennis tried to speak but found his throat wouldn't open.

"I…" Ennis tried to say. "I thought…" as he tried again to speak through clenched teeth. He still trembled from the terror that had rushed through him seeing Jack go over that edge.

Ennis' hand rose hesitantly to grab hold of Jack's coat lapel. When he grabbed it he began to tighten his grip. Jack became concerned because Ennis began to slowly pull him toward him still with fire in his eyes.

"Ennis," Jack said softly.

Other than the one time on Brokeback, Ennis had never struck Jack no matter what. Jack was not certain that he would be safe this time.

Ennis stood there for a moment, Jack's coat gripped tightly….and then slowly tears began to roll down his face. He loosed the horse in order to grab Jack's jacket with his other hand. He started shaking Jack and shouting at him.

"You could have died, you bastard. Why didn't you listen to me? What would I have done if…?"

"Ennis, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." was all Jack could say.

He was crying also by now. Jack reached up and put his hands on either side of Ennis' face. He slowly pulled his forehead to Ennis' all the time saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Ennis began to sob. Jack leaned in and sought blindly for Ennis' lips to reassure himself that he was still alive and Ennis was still here. Ennis tried to turn his head but Jack had a tight lock on it and refused to let him move. Suddenly Ennis locked onto Jack's mouth and Jack felt that they had become one person...each trying to latch onto the other to erase the fear and panic that had engulfed them both.

It seemed like forever before their lips parted and they both could breathe again. Jack continued to hold him tightly and continued to reassure Ennis that he was here and safe…here and safe. It was hard because Jack was beginning to realize…the reality was finally setting in…that he had nearly died…and in dying would have lost Ennis forever.


	9. To Lose Again

Please be forewarned that this is not a happy ending story………

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_**To Lose Again**_

Ennis and Jack were up on Brokeback on a particularly beautiful summer day. The sky was clear, the wind was warm, and the feel of life was everywhere. They were young and Brokeback…the world…belonged to them.

They rode side by side, close, so that they could reach out to touch a thigh or thump one another on the shoulder. They talked of simple things…always conscious that the other gave their undivided attention.

Ennis would watch Jack while they rode…would see him smile and laugh at some joke or turn of a phrase. His blue eyes, his dark hair…that smile, that damn smile…all these things were Jack and Ennis loved each of them.

They had reached a clearing amongst a small grove of trees, the white-capped mountains visible in the distance. The sun, warm but comfortable, sat directly overhead. They would sit for awhile…relax and give the horses a rest.

Ennis eased himself to the grass and leaned against a log. Jack came and, taking his hat off, plopped onto the ground, laying his head in Ennis' lap. Ennis absentmindedly brushed the hair from Jack's forehead with his left hand and placed his right on Jack's heart. He could feel the strong, steady beat…could feel Jack's chest expand with each breath. Jack contentedly chewed on a piece of grass and looked out at the distant mountains. All was quiet…peaceful.

Ennis couldn't have been happier. He had Jack and he had…well, actually having Jack was all there was. He didn't need anything else. So, he sat there with the one, true love of his life and enjoyed the day. Bliss was a good word for what he was feeling.

"Jack." Ennis called his name softly. Jack turned his head to look at Ennis, his blue eyes catching Ennis', drawing the breath right out of his lungs.

"I love you, Jack." Ennis said.

Jack smiled that amazing smile of his and reached up for Ennis' hand on his chest.

Ennis felt like a cold wind had suddenly washed across him carrying dark and unnamed fears. Fears not of this place but….outside.

He looked at Jack. It seemed like the color had drained from him…as well as, Ennis noticed, the world around him. His sense of foreboding grew as the world began to get dark. He looked down for Jack but he was gone. Looking up he saw him standing a short distance away…yet it felt like he was totally out of reach.

The world around him began to shred like some giant monster was rending the sky with its claws, exposing another realm of despair, hopelessness and desolation.

Ennis tried to stand against this assault, to hold it back by sheer will…but his world began to shear and dissolve around him. Nothing he could do would hold this darkness away.

Jack!

Ennis spun. As he leaped for Jack to grab him, to keep him here in this world…his surroundings collapsed completely.

Ennis found himself falling out of bed as, here in reality, he had also reached for Jack. He hit the floor, his chin bouncing off the stained and warped tile of the old, worn trailer. He slid completely out of the bed and lay there, limply…no strength, broken and worn.

He wasn't able to get up. He just lay there sobbing, no tears…no more tears to shed… as once again Jack had been taken from him. He curled up in the sheet that had followed him to the floor feeling the despair, hopelessness and desolation that had overwhelmed him in his dream…the real feelings that he had to live with day to day.

Nothing had changed for him in the years after Jack's death. He had been unable to regain any sort of happiness. He hadn't the strength to repair the devastation that the loss of Jack had brought.

Without Jack he had no way to navigate in the world. He was left adrift with only half of himself alive.

He lay there praying that the next time he saw Jack, there would be no losing him again.


	10. Just for Laughs

Just for Laughs

Ennis had been driving home in his truck, headlights outlining the dark road ahead. He had stayed late at the new ranch where he worked. He didn't like the foreman of this ranch, thought he knew everything, and punished those who showed him he was wrong. He had told Ennis to finish up some chores that should not have been his to do but kept quiet and did them anyway. Not a pleasant place but he needed money. He had long ago finished the child support but there were other things like…oh, food, rent, gas…assorted things like that. Without Jack, he was only half a man and most of that was closer to ghost than real but even so, this half-man ghost still needed to eat.

Jack had been on Ennis' mind a lot lately…he didn't know why. Jack was of course on Ennis' mind 24-7 but this was different. It was like the air would thicken near where he stood and, if he looked just right, he could make out a figure. Like the Cheshire cat's smile, all he could see were hints of an outline…sometimes the set of the shoulders, sometimes the flash of crystal blue eyes. Even more disturbing was the occasional sound of laughter carried to him by the wind…so like Jack that his skin crawled. Then there were the taps on the shoulder. He didn't even bother to turn around anymore which occasionally upset a bar patron who thought he was being rude.

Ennis' thoughts had been tied up with these occurences for most of his drive and he didn't see the hunk of metal that lay in the middle of his lane. An 18-wheeler had lost this piece of equipment…lack of attention to the load by the driver.

Ennis hit it square on. It blew the right front tire sending the truck spinning and then tumbling. When it finally came to rest in a ditch, there was no sign of life in the cab.

Ennis realized suddenly that he was lying down. He could feel a rock in his back which helped him to make that deduction. As he was able to put more coherent thought together, he found he could open his eyes. Around him he saw a black and white environment, misty and out of focus. He could feel solid ground underneath him, so he chose to stand. He was at a complete loss as to what was going on.

As he stood there, a part of the mist around him began to solidy. He stood, transfixed, as a figure took form. He began to hear the rattle of chains and saw they were held in the hands of this figure. A howl emitted from this apparition and the words,

"I am the Spirit of Christmas Past." Clank.

Ennis stood rooted to the ground. What?

Louder, "I AM THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST." Clank, clank.

Ennis just blinked and, being the simple man that he is, responded with,

"WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

He stopped for a moment realizing that his outburst felt good. It gave him some solidity in this fuzzy environment. He could feel strength flowing through him with this defiance of the spectral figure.

The Spirit of Christmas Past stopped clanking his chains and just stared at him. Ennis stared back with a mounting rage fueled by his complete lack of understanding of what was happening around him.

The figure began to swirl and condense. It began to take on color and form.

It turned into….Jack. Ennis was stunned.

"Calm down now, cowboy. I'm just fuckin' with ya'."

Ennis continued to stare.

It was Jack alright. His smile, his unruly hair, his eyes…everything, down to the rodeo belt buckle.

Jack's smile faded and he looked concerned.

"Hey, friend. What's the matter? You look like you just seen a ghost." At which point, Jack started laughing so hard his eyes started tearing up.

Ennis' brain had begun to process some of what was going on. Mainly that Jack was standing in front of him…and was laughing at him, making fun of him. This caused a bit of fury to build inside which caused him to think more clearly.

"Jack Fuckin' Twist." Was all Ennis was able to get out.

"Ennis Fuckin' del Mar." Jack said as he tried to stifle the laughter.

Jack took a couple of steps toward Ennis, his whole body starting to shine. His essence as Jack…his Jack-ness…pouring from him now. Ennis was overwhelmed but was able to take a step or two also.

Suddenly Jack stood directly in front of Ennis looking him right in the eye. Ennis felt Jack's presence…realizing that Jack had been around him for a long time now. The sightings out of the corner of his eye, the laughter, the taps on the shoulder. It had been Jack all that time.

Jack took off Ennis' hat and placed his hands on each side of Ennis' head. Ennis closed his eyes. Jack leaned in and lightly touched his lips to Ennis'. The shock that seared through Ennis nearly took him off his feet but Jack, holding him lightly, kept him still and planted where he was.

With that kiss, Ennis had begun to understand. The memory of the truck accident flashed fully in his mind. He knew that he had died in the wreck but somehow it wasn't that disturbing.

He knew that he was now with Jack and there was nothing that could stand between the two of them.

He opened his eyes to see that the mist had begun to disperse and behind it were mountains, trees, valleys, rivers, the blue sky. Around him Brokeback had begun to form.

Jack had moved his hands from Ennis' face to his shoulders. He continued to smile and radiate that which made him Jack. Ennis grabbed him in a tight embrace soaking in the feel of his one, true, everlasting love.

A significant amount of time later, Ennis held Jack out at arm's length just looking at him. He was comfortable now with where he was, understanding his situation fully. His love for Jack had sprung forth complete and, like Jack, he had begun to radiate his Ennis-ness.

He looked lovingly at Jack and with all the love he could muster said,

"The Spirit of Christmas Past? You are one fucked-up rodeo cowboy. Does it always have to be bigger than life for you? Wouldn't walking up to shake my hand have been enough. But, no, not for Jack Fucking Twist!"

Ennis kept it up as they walked away Jack's arm around Ennis' waist, Ennis' arm around Jack's shoulders. Jack just smiled, ecstatic to finally have Ennis back, to be able to show him around, to stay together in peace forever.


	11. Turn Around

**Turn Around**

Ennis was walking down the road, bag slung over his shoulder. It was a nice day out, cool, sunny, wind blowing as always. Inside Ennis' mind and heart it was not quite so nice.

Fire raged inside him. Angry pointy things played along his nerves. He could barely see ahead of him and wasn't actually sure if he was walking straight. He didn't even know if he was walking in the right direction anymore.

Jack had just driven away and all he could say to him was, "Well, guess I'll see ya around." Guess I'll see ya around. Like he lives down the street and you'll hook up at the bar one night. Like there was nothing much between the two of you but a couple of months of doing a job. Like he didn't mean the world to you. Like he wasn't the other half of your soul that you hadn't even known you were missing.

Guess I'll see ya around.

There was a part of Ennis that was screaming at himself to turn around…"turn around and run after that truck!" no matter how far down the road it might have gone. "Don't walk in the other direction, you stupid shit, chase him down. No one has ever meant this much to you in your life and he's driving away!"

But there was a part of him that didn't believe that. A part that had grown up with hatred rampant around him, disinterest in him as a human being. A part that knew that there was nothing in life but hard work, loneliness, and then death. A part that didn't believe he deserved to love or be loved.

This part was strong and entrenched and was in control of his feet…feet which he was sure belonged to someone else because they weren't responding to his pleas to stop, turn and reverse their directon…head back toward Jack.

Jack…the only bright light to ever shine in his life. And not just shine but shine in his direction. That smile, those eyes, his tenderness, the ways he showed Ennis that he cared…all turned toward him. Jack had done just that…and more.

But Ennis kept walking, his life disintegrating around him with each step he took. He didn't know how to stop. He didn't know how to turn. He didn't know how to accept that someone…cared?...desired?...wanted him? He couldn't say love because that was just something that had never really occurred in his life…how could someone understand what one had never experienced. It was an unknown thing for him.

All he knew was that the farther he walked and the farther in the opposite direction Jack drove, the more he felt that in his life, he would never make a decision that could be any worse than the one he was making right at this moment.

He felt like his heart would pound right out of his chest, that all those organs that had their place inside his body wanted to climb out his throat and lay themselves on the ground in front of him. It was getting harder for him to walk.

He took a hard right turn near a small, darkened entryway to an abandoned building. His stomach was cramping, the nausea building rapidly. Another part of his training as a man would not, of course, allow him to be sick in the middle of the street where just anyone could see him.

He was heaving even before he got to the seclusion and safety of the darkness…but this was not heaving because of bad food or sickness, this was heaving because his body was trying to tell him that his one chance at happiness had just driven away…and he had done nothing to stop him. That the one person in the world he had begun to have true feelings for was, now, gone. That in his life he would never find another like him.

This was what his body was trying to tell him.

And he finally realized what this gut-wrenching pain was…loss. Absolute loss of something that was so precious that it provoked physical pain. He felt as if his guts were tied to the fender of Jack's car and the farther he drove, the greater the pain…and the more hollow he became. He had begun to understand some of what was happening and with that understanding, the tears began to flow. With the tears, came the anger. With the anger, came a need to strike at something. Only the wall was handy.

Lost in his grief, he didn't see a stranger watching him. When he did… "What the fuck you looking at!" Because a man shouldn't be seen crying. Because one man shouldn't witness another man break down over the loss of his love…even if this other man didn't know that.

As the stranger moved on, Ennis began to collapse with the full impact of his loss seeping into every pore of his body. He understood now what he had done and what the impact for him would be. He would never see Jack again. He hadn't realized how much Jack had come to mean to him, but he did now. He saw his only chance at happiness diminish with each second.

He had no way of knowing that his life before Brokeback had been empty, desolate, without love or beauty. It was what it had always been. Then came Jack.

Jack had shown him a new life that he could compare to his life before. Jack had stepped into his empty life and brought laughter, happiness, sunshine.

But now he could see that same cold, empty, desolate life looming over him like a dark cloud, a thunderstorm that was fixin' to engulf him and extinguish all the brightness and warmth that Jack had exposed him to.

Depression was not a sufficient word for what was happening to him.

His body had contracted in on itself, trying to escape the future he saw coalescing around him. He had lost the strength to fight it by now and was working to do what he learned before to do so well…stuff all his feelings down deep inside, present a closed face to the world, and simply exist. He hadn't been able to stop the tears just yet.

He felt more than saw a shadow fall across him from the sunlit world outside of his hiding place. He had already told this asshole to get lost and was working up what strength he had to tell him again.

He spun and started to rise, hoping that this guy would launch into him so he could have something more substantial than a wall to pound on and give him an outlet for his rage and pain.

"I said, GET THE FUCK AWAY FR….."

Before he could finish, and through his tears, he could see that the man watching him wasn't the same guy as before.

Oultined by the brightness of the world outside, Ennis saw tight jeans, a rodeo belt buckle, a denim shirt and black hat. The face was in shadow, but he didn't need to see that to know who this was.

Ennis could only stare. He had started the process of shutting himself down so he wouldn't feel the excruciating pain of the loss of Jack. There was not a part of him that held a hope of seeing Jack again.

But there he stood.

Ennis went weak and fell to his knees.

"Jack…"

Jack stepped forward and went to his knees also grabbing Ennis and holding him so he didn't fall any further.

"Jack…" was all Ennis could get out.

"I'm here, Ennis. I'm here."

Ennis gasped for air like someone who had sunk below the waves and then been suddenly pulled to safety. His tears flowed freely now…he was beyond caring what happened outside of this small area of space and time. He held onto Jack as one would hold onto a log in a storm-tossed ocean…his only hope of staying above the desolate vision of his future that he had experienced so recently.

"Ennis. It's okay, Ennis. It's okay. It's alright. I couldn't leave Ennis. I tried but I couldn't leave." Jack was now unable to hold back his tears. He had felt much the same way Ennis had but knew better than Ennis why he was feeling what he did. He knew that Ennis would be unable to turn around. Jack knew that he would never be able to live his life without Ennis. He knew that if he didn't turn his truck around and find him both of them would regret this moment until they died.

"Jack…I didn't know what to do." Ennis sobbed. "I can't…I can't…Jack, don't leave. Please, Jack. Don't go. I couldn't go on, Jack. Please."

"I ain't goin' nowhere, cowboy. Not now, not ever. It'll all be okay. I'm not leaving, Ennis. I'm right here."

Jack was 78 when he died suddenly one morning in early summer. He had never left Ennis, staying by his side until the end.

Ennis made sure he was laid to rest properly.

The maid who cooked and cleaned for them found Ennis the next day. He had died quietly during the night. He was holding one of Jack's shirts.

Without Jack he hadn't been able to go on.


	12. Turn Around II

This is a revisited, revised and expanded version of the previous story "Turn Around".

**Turn Around II**

Ennis was walking down the road, bag slung over his shoulder. It was a nice day out, cool, sunny, wind blowing as always. Inside Ennis' mind and heart it was a completely different situation.

A fire of guilt and self-hatred burned inside him. Angry pointy thoughts played along his nerves. He could barely see ahead of him and wasn't actually sure if he was walking straight. He couldn't be sure he was even walking in the right direction anymore.

Jack had just driven away, his truck still visible as a dot near the horizon, and all he had been able to say to him was, "Well, guess I'll see ya around then."

Guess I'll see ya around!

Like he lives down the street and you'll hook up at the bar one night. Like there was nothing much between the two of you but a couple of months of herding sheep. A job, nothing more. As if he didn't mean the world to you. As if he wasn't the other half of your soul that you hadn't even known you were missing.

Guess I'll see ya around.

There was a part of Ennis that was screaming, "Don't let him go…run after that truck…it doesn't matter how far down the road it might have gone. Don't walk away, you stupid shit, chase him down. No one has ever meant this much to you in your life and he's driving away! Scream…out…his…name!"

But there was a part of him that rejected all of that. A part that had grown up with hatred rampant around him, no real interest shown to him as a human being, and the knowledge that there was nothing for him in this life but hard work, loneliness, and then death. A part that knew nothing of loving or being loved. Something of darkness and emptiness.

This part was strong, entrenched and ruled with fear. It had controlled him most of his life and now controlled his feet…feet which he was sure belonged to someone else because they weren't responding to his pleas to run as fast as he could to stop Jack from leaving forever.

Ennis had not known he had been living in such pain. He knew pain of course…the hard work on the ranches, irregular meals or no meals at all…physical pain…but he had not known of the darkness, hunger and emptiness inside of him. Closed and shuttered as he was he had not been able to name it…until Jack.

Memories of Jack flooded his brain…Jack and that damn harmonica, all the bragging he would do, his incessant rambling, that awful singing…and Jack's eyes when he looked at Ennis as his passion built, Jack's lips that were always willing to meet his, Jack's hands that always knew just where to touch him and when…Jack's offering of himself to Ennis.

Jack was the only bright light to ever shine in his life…and not just shine but blaze in his direction. Jack's brightness showed Ennis the darkness in his own mind. Jack's desire to grab life and hold on showed Ennis his own hunger for life. Jack's love for Ennis had shown him the emptiness, the loneliness that he had not known or recognized until now.

Ennis kept on walking, his life disintegrating around him with each step he took. He didn't know how to stop. He didn't know how to run to Jack. He didn't know how to put into play all the things he had learned from Jack. Their parting was too soon for Ennis who still had so much to learn..

He continued to walk. The pain building.

He felt like his heart would pound right out of his chest, that all those organs that had their proper places inside his body wanted to climb out his throat and lay themselves on the ground in front of him. His legs got heavier…it was getting harder for him to walk.

He spied a darkened entryway to an abandoned building and stumbled into the shadows. His stomach was cramping, nausea building rapidly.

He started heaving…dry, empty retching. He thought he might be sick but his body was trying to tell him that his one chance at happiness had just driven away…and he had done nothing to stop him. His mind was telling him, "since you didn't listen to me, maybe this will get your attention."

His hunger for all those things that Jack had offered him rose like bile in his throat. He needed Jack. He wanted what Jack could give him.

But Jack was gone.

Loss. He felt as if his guts were tied to the fender of Jack's car and the farther he drove, the greater the pain…and the more hollow he became. He had begun to realize what he had done by letting Jack go and with that understanding, the tears began to flow. With the tears, came the anger and helplessness. Then the need to strike at something. Only the wall was handy.

Lost in his grief, he didn't see that a stranger had stopped outside his alcove…staring. Ennis caught sight of him…"What the fuck you looking at!" Ennis barked, trying to cover the crying, the weakness that someone else had seen.

As the stranger moved on, Ennis began to collapse with the full impact of his loss seeping into every pore of his body. He knew now what he had done and what the impact for him would be. He would never see Jack again. He hadn't realized how much Jack had come to mean to him, but he did now. He saw his only chance at happiness diminish with each second.

Ennis saw his old life of cold, emptiness, and desolation looming over him like a dark cloud, a thunderstorm fixin' to engulf him and extinguish all the brightness and warmth that Jack had exposed him to. He would have to return to what he had been before, but now he knew what that was. He knew it was a life of despair, hopelessness, and pain. He knew because Jack had shown him the other side of these feelings. He wasn't sure he would be able to survive going back.

His body had contracted in on itself, trying to escape the future he saw coalescing around him. He had lost the strength to fight it by now and was working to do what he learned before to do so well…stuff all his feelings down deep inside, present a closed face to the world, and simply exist. He hadn't been able to stop the tears just yet.

He felt more than saw a shadow fall across him from the sunlit world outside of his hiding place. He had already told this asshole to get lost and was working up what strength he had to tell him again.

He spun and started to rise, hoping that this guy would launch into him so he could have something more substantial than a wall to pound on and give him an outlet for his rage and pain.

"I said, GET THE FUCK AWAY…from…me….."

"Guess I'll be seein' ya around then." Jack heard the words but his mind didn't want to process them. He knew what the words meant of course, but he just couldn't accept them. To accept them would mean that the odds were he would never see Ennis again…he couldn't wrap his head around that concept.

Ennis just stood there…giving him nothing to hold onto…nothing to grab ahold of. He was giving him no hope for the future. Jack dropped his head in despair.

Guess I'll be seein' ya around then.

"How could he just leave like this? We had something up on Brokeback…have something now. Why does he look at me like all we did was share cans of beans?" Jack thought, his mind racing…what to do?

Ennis had been the one on Brokeback in control of things…the strong one, the rock. He was the one to instigate roughhousing, play, wrestling that inevitably ended in sex. Which Ennis controlled again. Jack willingly rode the wave of Ennis' desire and lust…he thrilled at being taken by Ennis in this way.

He revelled in Ennis' strength, in his practical, solid view of the world around him. He saw how Ennis was protective of him…saw him as an anchor in a fluid world that Jack sometimes couldn't get a grip on. For all his boasting, Jack felt adrift through life and Ennis helped him to stabilize.

With Ennis, he had been gathering to himself a sense that he was greater than just the Jack he used to be…he was more…more of the Jack he wanted to be. With Ennis he felt whole…and had not realized until Brokeback that he had lived his life as so much less than he could be.

But now, Jack saw that Ennis was in control again and knew that a fight would get him nowhere. The sense of loss was growing, choking off his mind and reasoning.

He raised his head to look at Ennis and saw confusion and conflict written all over his face,so different than his usual certainty of things.

"Please Ennis. Say something. Do something. Say ya want me to stay. Say you want to see me again. Say what we had up on Brokeback is what you want forever." Jack tried to impress these thoughts on Ennis' brain.

Ennis stood a moment longer clearly torn in two…and then turned and walked away.

Jack's heart lurched. He jumped in his truck. He had to get outta there.

"So this is it. I thought I meant something to you. I guess I was wrong," Jack said to himself, his breath catching.

Jack pulled out of the parking lot and drove away.

His mind still reeling, he needed to get away as fast as he could. He was in pain. Maybe if he ran away fast enough, the pain would stay back there where Ennis had just shown him he didn't want him…that he didn't care…that it was all for nothing.

He looked back and saw Ennis in his side mirror. Alone, tightening up like he had been when Jack first met him. Hunching over now with the weight of the real world. Jack started tearing up at the thought that Ennis was in pain. All his efforts to show him that someone cared…that someone had loved him…gone. All his efforts to show him that the world was different than he thought it was, all now for nothing.

Jack turned his head forward and focused on his driving. If Ennis didn't want him, then fuck him! He didn't need Ennis either. He would do without him….how he didn't know right then…but he would! He'd move on. He'd live his life. Damn straight, he'd go find him someone who would care!

These thoughts played around in his head for a few miles but they were just surface thoughts, petty thoughts generated from anger. He knew this wasn't how he felt but it was too painful now to look any deeper. That didn't stop the true feelings he had for Ennis from building and threatening to break loose.

The further he got from Ennis and the closer his true feelings got to the surface, the more his body began to rebel. He started to get dizzy. His chest felt like a bull he had just fallen from had rolled over on top of him. His breathing became labored. His stomach knotted like someone had reached in and grabbed a hunk of intestine and was trying to pull it out of a really small hole.

He realized he needed to stop the truck when he had veered into the opposite lane, just missing an 18-wheeler that was barreling down the road, driver yanking madly on his horn.

He pulled off on a little dirt side road. Falling out of the truck…he was having trouble deciding what was up and down. He swung around the front of the truck to the passenger side. He was having real difficulty breathing. He couldn't get in enough air. He was trying to breathe but the air that he knew surrounded him didn't seem to want to get into his lungs. He pulled his hat off and slumped to the ground.

Thinking he might be dying, his thoughts went without hesitation to that which was most precious to him…Ennis. His memories of Ennis…the eyes which sparkling with life and laughter, the smile Jack had worked so hard to bring forth, the tightness of that hard working body and…his strength when he held Jack from behind, hands grasping Jack's hips…the bruises, the thrusting…Ennis laying over Jack's back whispering his name, the huskiness of his voice betraying his passion and feelings as he said things he couldn't bring himself to say in the daylight.

With these images came an overwhelming sense that in all the world there was no one for him but Ennis…his other half, the other part of himself that he had not known he wanted or needed…but did now. Were his life to be long, he would never have these feelings for anyone but Ennis.

Suddenly Ennis was everywhere inside Jack…filling his mind, his body, those places Ennis took with passion. And in a burst of understanding, Jack knew that he would not be able to leave Ennis. That without him, he might as well die right here and now. They'd find his body and wonder, "Damn, what ever happened to that guy? Not a mark on him."

As this realization struck full force and his real feelings for Ennis surfaced, Jack's breathing eased, his mind became, for him, unnaturally calm. He knew now that, as day needs night, he needed Ennis and Ennis needed him. He knew what he had to do. He knew what his next action would be.

He would take charge and be the one in control today. He was going to play the alpha game and Ennis was just going to have to accept the only role left. Because he saw now that if Ennis could turn and walk away, then he certainly didn't know what was best for him. Jack was getting ready to show Ennis just what he thought and felt for him…if he had to beat that understanding into him.

He got up, calm now. He picked up his hat and without rushing dusted it off. He walked around to the driver's side of the truck, got in, started it, pulled out onto the main road pointing it in Ennis' general direction…and floored it.

There were no thoughts on his mind now but those of Ennis. He didn't know exactly how he was going to confront Ennis but was confident that he'd be able to make him see his version of what should be. He wasn't quite prepared for what he found.

He drove back looking ahead for Ennis who should have been walking toward him. Not that much time had passed that Ennis would be out of sight. But he kept getting closer and still no Ennis. He found he had passed the parking lot where they had parted so turned around and headed back. "Damn that cowboy, where'd he up and go off to now," Jack thought.

As he drove by an abandoned building, he caught sight of a cowboy on the sidewalk, stopped, looking at an alcove in the building. He was very nearly on top of this scene when he heard a familiar voice holler out, "WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?" It was Ennis, no mistake. But he sounded in pain. The cowboy walked off.

The truck had barely stopped when Jack jumped out and ran to the darkened alcove. Turning the corner, he saw Ennis doubled up on the ground facing the wall. He was crying, holding his hat up near his face to cover the tears and hadn't seen Jack come up.

Jack had been prepared for a couple of different things but not this. He could only stand there and stare. He had never seen Ennis like this…the solid one, the rock. The man had fallen completely apart. Jack's eyes filled with tears and his heart, which he had thought had already opened to Ennis, now blazed with the need to help his man, to care for and comfort him, and protect him from any more pain.

He was taking a step forward when Ennis spun on a heel and was stepping forward with rage written all over his body.

"I said, GET THE FUCK AWAY…from…me….."

Before he could finish, and through his tears, Ennis could see that the man watching him wasn't the same man as before.

Oultined by the brightness of the world outside, Ennis saw the silhouette of a man…tight jeans, black hat, a reflection off of a rodeo belt buckle. The face was in shadow, but he didn't need to see that to know who this was.

Ennis could only stare. He had already started the process of shutting himself down so he wouldn't feel the excruciating pain of the loss of Jack. There was a piece inside of him that held a hope of seeing Jack again.

But there he stood.

Ennis' legs buckled and he started for the ground.

"Jack…"

Jack jumped forward, grabbing Ennis and holding him, going down to the ground with him.

"Jack…" Ennis' voice caught in his throat.

"I'm here, Ennis. I'm here."

Ennis gasped for air as if the atmosphere around him had pulled away. His tears flowed freely now…he was beyond caring what happened outside of this small area of space and time. He held onto Jack as one would hold onto a log in a storm-tossed ocean…his only hope of staying above the desolate vision of his future that he had experienced so recently.

"Ennis. It's okay, Ennis. It's okay. It's alright. I came back, Ennis. I couldn't leave you, Ennis. I tried but I couldn't leave." Jack was now unable to hold back his own tears. He had felt much the same way Ennis had but knew better than Ennis why he was feeling what he did. He knew that Ennis would be unable to come to him. Jack knew that he would never be able to live his life without Ennis. He knew that if he didn't turn his truck around and find him both of them would regret this moment until they died.

"Jack…I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to hold onto ya Jack." Ennis sobbed. "I can't…I can't…Jack, don't leave. Please, Jack. Don't go. I couldn't go on, Jack. Please."

"I ain't goin' nowhere, cowboy. Not now, not ever. It'll all be okay. I'm not leaving, Ennis. I'm right here."

On a bright, warm summer day, Ennis and Jack were walking near the home they both shared. There was a path through some woods near there that they had tread on many a time in the 30-some years they had lived there.

The sun shone through the leaves dappling the ground with light. The smell of the earth and the wind through the trees had always reminded them of their days as cowboys. Those days of course long gone now.

As they walked, Jack had begun to feel a little light-headed, but because he knew Ennis really enjoyed his time out here, he never mentioned it.

A little ways into the woods, Jack collapsed, falling into Ennis. Ennis couldn't get out of the way in time so went down also. Jack was close so Ennis only needed to turn around and reach for him.

Ennis had squatted next to Jack pulling him into his arms, not knowing what to say because everything had happened so quickly. The doctor had said he was doing fine.

"Jack. Jack, don't you leave me now, ya hear? It ain't time yet. Jack!" Ennis was trying to get Jack's attention.

Jack's eyes focused and he looked straight at Ennis, "I'm so sorry, Ennis. I said I'd never leave you, but…." Jack looked away for a second and then looked back at Ennis, "I don't want to go, Ennis. I want to stay here with you," a tear rolling down his face.

"It's okay, rodeo, it's okay. The monitor you're wearing has already contacted the hospital. They'll be here in just minute. You hold on now." Ennis' world was crashing around him but he knew he needed to be there for Jack so was unable to show the pain he was feeling.

Jack tried to smile…for Ennis. "Ennis, did I do right by you?"

The breath in Ennis' throat caught, his eyes teared up, and he nodded his head. "You did good by me, Jack, real good. No one else could have done for me what you did…" Ennis had to look away for a moment.

"I love you, Ennis," Jack said. He reached his hand up to stroke Ennis' face.

Ennis leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips. "You are and will always be the only one for me, Jack Twist. Don't you ever forget it."

Sirens in the distance.

"Ennis…" Jack whispered.

"You wait for me, rodeo. Don't make me have to go find you." Ennis whsipered back.

Jack smiled at Ennis…and quietly closed his eyes.

He was 78 years old. He and Ennis had been together for nearly 60 years.

Jack was buried in a solemn ceremony. Many people attended because Jack and Ennis were well-known and well-liked. Ennis received his guests with dignity and appreciation.

He was found in his bed by the maid a few days later. He was holding one of Jack's shirts.

Jack hadn't had to wait very long.

End


	13. More Than Words

**Untitled**

Ennis was terrified. He was in a bad place. A part of him…the observer…knew where he was and what was getting ready to happen. The part of him that was there…the participant…only knew that fear surrounded him and hatred was coming up fast.

He was frozen in place, paralyzed with a suffocating feeling of dread. And there it was again…this foreboding of terrible things to come. The hatred was approaching quickly now, like the wind that raced before a thunderstorm.

The observer kept saying to himself, "Please, no, not again. Please God, don't let me have to see this again." The participant was not privy to the observer's thoughts, so stood there, rooted to the ground, dreading what was coming…and feeling every moment for the first time.

Suddenly as he looked up, he saw Jack. He was angry, furious, as he walked past a fence line and into a field. "Jack…" Ennis barely exhaled his name. As he did so, the thunderstorm blast of emotion struck.

Ennis was caught up in a tornado-like wind made of hatred, the thrill of a kill for no good reason but to kill, and the stench of evil that resides in some men's hearts. He was overwhelmed and could do nothing but stand and watch.

Coming up rapidly behind Jack were three men, one with a tire iron. The participant Ennis saw this and tried to yell to Jack, but found he couldn't. His vision began to twist and blur. Ennis could feel his own fear for Jack rushing up and consuming him.

Jack didn't see the men until it was too late. The tire iron caught him in the back of the head, stunning him and knocking him down. And then they were on him…kicking, punching, breaking ribs and arms, stomping on the crotch that had been used in ways that offended them, all the time reveling in their actions, laughing, allowing the beast that lies within to surface.

Then there was only the tire iron smashing into Jack's face over and over.

"JACK," Ennis had finally found his voice. The men who had beat Jack couldn't hear his cry.

They began to wander off, adrenaline still pumping, laughing, slapping each other on the back…sure that they had just rid the world of something abhorrent and foul. Of course that was their reasoning, their excuse, that hid their use of base desires to support their righteousness.

"JACK," Ennis had finally found his feet and had begun to run toward where Jack lay.

"JACK," Ennis yelled as he shot out of the bed and tripped on the blanket. He fell into the wall and slid to the floor. Alma was out of bed and by his side calling his name.

"Ennis, ENNIS," she was having to yell his name to try to get his attention and bring him back from the nightmare he had just experienced.

His eyes had been open but glazed over with the horror of what he had just seen. But now they were clearing as the intensity of the dream was subsiding, leaving him with just the events…as the participant disappeared and only the observer was left.

"Ennis," Alma tried again, her hands holding each side of his face, brushing the hair off his face. Ennis looked in her direction not really seeing her, pain etched in every line of his face. A small part of Alma recognized that Ennis had never shown this much feeling for her in all their years of marriage.

"Alma," Ennis croaked out of a tight but slowly relaxing throat.

"Ennis, it's okay. You're here at home. You were having a bad dream. Come on, Ennis. Look at me." She was doing her best to try to calm him down so he didn't repeat the incident of a few months back when she had gotten caught in his attempts to get away from whatever was haunting him in this nightmare. She had had to use makeup for a week before the bruise went away.

Ennis knew where he was now…the dream had drifted far enough away that he could see clearly the real world around him. But not far enough that he didn't remember what had happened. He always remembered. All these scenes of Jack's death rested in one part of his brain…and never left or diminished.

His mind leapt to Jack in Childress probably sleeping right now. He thought of him safe and protected and that helped to ease his racing heart and unclench his jaw and fists.

Ennis remembered that Alma was sitting next to him. "Alma, are you okay?" he said, bringing his hand to her face. He remembered what he had done to her that one time.

"Yeah, Ennis, I'm okay. Come on, honey, get up, okay? Here, come sit on the bed. There ya go." Alma was trying her best to help Ennis. She knew that there was something between her husband and Jack. She had seen them on the landing. She hadn't understood much of what was going on at the time. But that had been a few years ago. Now she had no doubt that this man her husband went fishing with and whose name he screamed out at night meant more to him that she could ever mean.

She had not told Ennis that every time he had this nightmare he called out for Jack. Ennis never remembered. Alma always remembered.

"What time is it?" Ennis asked.

"Ennis, please…"

"What time is it, Alma?"

"Just after midnight, Ennis. Let me make you some tea or something…." Ennis got up and began changing. Alma knew that he would go to the bar now and drink until he could barely stand. This happened a lot after these dreams. There wasn't anything Alma could say to stop him. She had tried many times. Ennis was going to handle this the way he needed to.

"Ennis, please, why don't ya stay home and let me help you, huh? Ennis talk to me, please?" She made a weak attempt to keep him there knowing that it wouldn't work. It never did.

"I'll be back later. Don't wait up." And with that he was gone.

Ennis went to his job the next day, hungover and limping a little where his hip had struck the wall the night before. Luckily, he had to go out to check some fence lines far out on the property…and far away from prying eyes and curious people. He didn't have the strength today to deal with either.

He had left Alma that morning with barely a goodbye. He felt ashamed of how he was treating her…she was only trying to help…but these nightmares and his fears for Jack were just too much and he didn't have the strength to spare from keeping himself together.

Once he got out away from possible contact with people, he let his horse wander anywhere it wanted…no problem since the horse knew most of the lay of this land anyway and he didn't need to be concerned. His mind was totally somewhere else.

Ennis was not known to be an introspective kind of fella. He was direct and action-oriented. So it was with great difficulty that he started looking at these dreams…nightmares…that he had been having recently.

They were always the same. Always the same three guys. Always the same beating. Always Ennis not able to help Jack.

What had been changing in the dreams was how he was feeling for Jack. He had a connection with him…strong and passionate. A connection. He would call it "this thing" but could never actually name it more than that.

But lately, during the dreams and after, he had been feeling for Jack something different…well, not different, really…but clearer, more substantial. Still didn't have a name for it but it was there and he couldn't deny it.

Ennis looked around and saw that he was near a small stream and a shaded area under some large trees. He tied his horse up and went to sit at the base of one of these ancient giants.

Ennis sat and thought about Jack. Not unusual but now he was trying to see how these dreams fit in. He thought about the one he had last night. He remembered how his heart clenched, his body shook, and the breath was taken right out of his lungs at the thought that Jack was going to be hurt. He remembered that as they came up to Jack, he struggled to run and take his place…to take onto himself the pain that Jack was getting ready to experience…to die in Jack's place. He tried to call to them, "NO, take me, not him. Not Jack. ME!"

He remembered the love for Jack that had exploded through his body, the effort he…...what?

Ennis' head snapped up and he jumped to his feet. He put a hand on the tree to make sure he stayed standing up because he had just felt the world kinda sway around him. He began to feel dizzy realizing he was hyperventilating but there was nothing he could do.

His love for Jack? He loved Jack? "I love Jack?"

A tear rolled down Ennis' cheek closely followed by another.

"I love Jack," he said as his voice cracked.

Ennis went to his knees, no longer able to stand. He was struck by the enormity of what he had just said. How could he have not seen this before? It had been there all along, he hadn't recognized it, couldn't name it as love.

"Oh, God…" and he started sobbing. He was looking at his life with Jack now through the eyes of someone who loved…and he saw all that he had done to Jack, how he had pushed him away, how he had kept him at a distance, how he had lied to himself about how his feelings for Jack.

And then he saw what Jack had been tryng all those years to give to him. He recognized the love that Jack felt for him and this crushed him even further to know that he had hurt him all these years. Jack had been offering Ennis his life and he had turned him away, refusing this gift.

It all came together at once and all he could do was cry…and apologize to Jack over and over.

The phone rang at the house in Childress.

"Hello, Twist residence," Bobby answered. His momma had taught him to answer the phone that way because it sounded more businesslike and fit the station she had achieved in the community. Bobby liked answering the phone that way also because at eight it made him feel more grownup…like his Mom and Dad.

"Is Jack there?"

"May I ask whose calling, please?" More of his Mom.

"Ennis del Mar."

"Hold on a second, he's on the porch out back. I'll go get him." As Bobby put the phone down, he sprinted to the backyard all the time calling, "DADDY, THERE'S A GUY NAMED DENNIS DELMER ON THE PHONE FOR YA!" Bobby liked to be the messenger also.

"Who is it, Bobby?" Jack asked as Bobby walked up.

"Dennis Delmer," Bobby repeated. "I don't know any Dennis Del…Jesus!" Jack shot like a bolt into the house.

"Ennis?"

"Jack."

"Ennis? Ennis…what…why are you…how'd you get my number?" Jack was totally confused because in all their time together, Ennis had never called Jack.

"Jack," the voice hesitated, "Jack…I need to see ya. I need to talk to ya."

"Ennis, what's the matter? Ennis, are you alright? What happened?" Jack was now nearing panic. This had all happened so suddenly and Ennis voice, though always muffled and monotone, carried fear and desperation now.

"Can you get away, bud? I could meet ya somewhere along the road from your house. But I need to talk to ya." Ennis' voice had begun to quiver. Now Jack knew that something was terribly wrong. This was not behavior that Ennis had ever shown before.

Jack scrambled to remember the things that had to be done in the next few days. There were a couple, but he felt he could get by without doing them for a couple of days. Lureen wouldn't be happy about his leaving, but she wasn't happy about much these days.

"Jack?" A tiny little voice…a tone of pleading.

"I'm here, Ennis. I'm just trying to see what's happening around here and how quickly I can get out." Jack had taken that tender tone of voice he used when Ennis was hurt or injured.

"Ennis, I have a couple of things to do before I can leave. I have to wait for Lureen to get back so she can watch Bobby and some paperwork to take care of before I go. I can leave in the morning. Is that gonna be okay?" Jack was still trying to figure out what he was going to say to Lureen.

"That's fine, Jack, I really appreciate this. I know this is last minute." Ennis was having trouble swallowing and seeing. "I'm sorry to call, Jack. I didn't want to bother you over there with your family. I'm sorry…"

"Ennis… " Now Jack was stunned. Ennis had never said anything to him like this before. "It's alright, bud. Look, I'll get outta here first thing in the morning. Where ya gonna be?"

Ennis had thought of this already.

"Ya know that little town that we stopped at that one year we went up elk hunting? I'm gonna head out there and wait for you. There's only one motel in the town so ya can't miss it. Do you remember where that is, Jack?" Jack felt his eyes tear up at the desperation in Ennis' voice. It was getting harder to talk.

"Yeah, cowboy, I remember. I'll be there tomorrow evening."

"Thanks, Jack."

"Ennis?" There was silence on the other end. Moments went by while Jack cmposed himself. "Ennis…" how should he word this, "will you be okay until I get there?" Jack knew better but had to ask…Ennis knew by his tone what he was asking.

"Yeah, bud, if you're coming down, I'll be okay." This eased Jack's concerns some.

"Okay, Ennis, I'll be there as soon as I can, alright?"

"Thanks, Jack," and there was a click and a dial tone. Jack was too shocked to remember he still had the phone in his hand.

Jack had made the best time he could. Lureen had pitched a fit and delayed his leaving the house. He arrived at the motel around 7:30 that evening. He got out of the truck, stretched, took a few deep breaths to keep from tensing up. He knew that Ennis needed him…that was a first…and didn't want to run in there half-cocked and not be able to give him the support he needed.

He saw Ennis' truck near the back of the motel…of course…and walked over to it. He knocked and then poked his head in, "Ennis?". The light by the bed was on. He saw Ennis' things tossed in a corner. But no Ennis. Jack walked in guessing that he had stepped out to the little coffee shop that was next door.

He made a pit stop, then took his hat off, lit up a cigarette and sat on the edge of the bed to calm his nerves. He was so anxious to see Ennis and yet so fearful because Ennis was behaving, well, not like Ennis. On the way over here, his thoughts had slid to maybe Ennis didn't want to see him anymore. He told himself he was crazy for thinking that he couldn't silence the t houghts completely.

He had just put out his cigarette when he heard a scuff outside the door and the door knob turn. He stood up…good thing. Jack had gotten a new truck so Ennis didn't know he was there.

Ennis stopped dead in the doorway. Jack winced at the bags under his eyes, his usual slouch even more pronounced, the sense of a truly heavy burden being carried.

Ennis stopped at the door, the small bag he had in his hand hitting the floor. He slammed the door shut, tossed his hat and leapt straight for Jack.

He caught Jack, both hands on each side of face, and kissed him in a way that he had never kissed Jack before…and Jack was totally aware of the difference. Jack wrapped his arms around Ennis trying to keep himself standing. Just when it felt like Ennis wasn't going to let him come up for air, the tone of his kiss changed. It became tender, gentle…loving. Jack's eyes snapped open and he stared right at Ennis.

Ennis finally separated his lips from Jack's and stood there, eyes closed, his forehead to Jack's…and started crying.

"Ennis…oh, Ennis, please, don't cry. Please, Ennis, it's okay, it's okay…" Jack pulled Enni' face to his shoulder and kept repeating these gentle words to Ennis, holding him and letting Ennis get out of his system whatever was causing him this grief.

Ennis' tears had finally stopped and he was just holding Jack now…rocking slightly, sniffling occasionally.

"Ennis…" Jack breathed very quietly in his ear.

Ennis released Jack and stepped back, head dropped, looking at his boots…typical Ennis posture used when he is either embarrassed or too angry to look at you eye to eye. Jack knew which one it was in this case so didn't feel threatened.

"Come on, Ennis, sit down."

Ennis sat on the bed and Jack pulled the one chair in the room in front of him. Ennis was looking at the floor again, wringing his hands.

Jack reached over and put his hand under Ennis' chin and lifted his head, but Ennis turned it slightly away to keep from looking at him. Jack just kept his hand there and moved his face back to the front.

"Look at me," Jack said gently needing Ennis' focus.

"Come on, Ennis, you got things to say…come on, let's get this started." Jack's mind started percolating up that thought that maybe Ennis didn't want to see him anymore. He worked to squelch that so he could help Ennis.

"Ennis, please talk to me because you're scaring the shit outta me right now. What's the matter, bud?"

Ennis tried to put his head down again but Jack's hand was still under his chin. Ennis reached up and took Jack's hand in both of his, lightly kissed it, and brought it to his knees where he held it. Jack kept thinking that this wasn't the behavior of someone about to break off a long relationship. But what else could it be? Part of Jack was preparing for the bomb.

Ennis took a deep breath and started…

"Jack, we've known each other for a long time now. We got something special you and me. Could never figure out what that was…so all I could do was keep going like I had always done." Jack still could not figure out what was wrong with Ennis and though he held out hope, the thought of Ennis leaving still hovered on the edge of his mind.

"Jack, I'm not good with words like you. I don't know much about how to tell someone how I feel…hell, I barely know how I feel myself. But I figured something out the other day and I need to let you know…"

Here it comes, Jack thought.

"Jack, I love you…"

Jack's entire body froze where he sat…he actually stopped breathing and could only stare at Ennis' mouth where these words had just emerged. Ennis felt the shift in Jack.

"…more than I got words to say. I been thinkin' the last few days that I ain't never said nothing like this to you 'cause I didn't have the words, but the truth is I didn't even know what it was I felt. But I do now, Jack…"

One tear began rolling down Jack's face.

"…and I want you to know, that there ain't nobody in the world means more to me than you do and if you still want a beat up old ranch hand to hang around with, then we can start talking about this cow and calf operation that you had in mind."

Jack needed to use his brain right about now but it was locked on stupefied and wouldn't move from there. He stared at Ennis for a few seconds, then dropped his head to the floor and closed his eyes…tears hitting the dirty carpet at his feet.

His dream…

Ennis slid off the bed and knelt in front of him. He put one arm around Jack's back and one hand on his neck. He slowly pulled Jack's head to his chest and with his lips right at Jack's ear, he whispered for no one else in the world to hear but Jack, "My little darlin', my rodeo cowboy. I love you, Jack, for real…no one will ever mean to me what you do." Jack started to sob, his back heaving. He reached blindly for Ennis grabbing him around the waist.

They stayed that way for a long time.


	14. Perchance to Dream

**Perchance to Dream**

There are dreams and there are nightmares.

Ennis was dreaming now. Typically he wouldn't remember his dreams in the morning because of all the drinking he had done…and had been doing for a long time now.

Dreaming.

This meant that he was still on that side of the dream fence that wasn't painful…on the side he could allow himself to see and think about.

He walked in the mountains…crystal clear blue sky, emerald green trees, the water in the stream reflecting diamond-like bursts of light. The air was cool and clean…his boots making small scrunching sounds in the tiny, discarded branches and gravel under his feet.

He knew Jack was here…somewhere…he just wasn't certain where. It seemed like his brain, his memory, wasn't working like it should be. It was clear to him that Jack should be at his side, walking with him. It was the natural place for him to be, wasn't it? Hadn't he just been here?

He couldn't remember if Jack had said where he was going. Did he say? His mind kept gnawing on this problem but nothing was coming from it.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a flash of white…or something. He turned and called for Jack. What the hell kind of game is he playing now? Damn that Jack Twist. When he got ahold of him…

He turned and began walking in the direction of the motion he had spied. It led deeper into the woods. Here it was darker under the forest canopy, things closer. He was forced now to skirt trees and watch out for the roots…no straight lines here. There was a disturbance here but Ennis had Jack on his mind and didn't pay attention.

Another flash of movement.

"JACK," Ennis turns and begins to run…as best he can in the closeness of the forest…trying to catch up with this specter. Following this sporadic flash of movement, he continues to move deeper toward the heart of the forest…deeper into a more claustrophic space. The sun diminished here, the temperature dropping, the clarity of the world outside the forest gone.

He is hopelessly lost now, running in circles, tripping, falling. He catches glimpses of a white form everywhere he turns now. "JACK….Jack!" his voice expressing his loss of hope, his fear.

The color has leached out of his surroundings leaving only pale shades of grey. No warmth in these colors, no invite to bright surroundings. He looks around and it seems to him that the wind is blowing…but as he looks closer, he sees that the branches, leaves, grass around him aren't moving. This wind streaks the colors of the world around him like a painter dragging his fingers through the wet paint on his canvas…like fast clouds running in the sky. The wind blows but only the graveyard greys and blacks around him move.

He comes out on a clearing…trees surround…and though open to the sky, no sun appears, no light to warm, to cheer, to comfort. All is desolation.

Ennis doesn't dream anymore. This is the beginning of a full-blown nightmare.

He stands at the boundary of the clearing, fear, confusion, desperation bubbling up inside him. He still looks for Jack, despite this sudden turn, knowing he should be with him…anywhere else but here, with him.

"Jack," he calls. His voice is absorbed by the deadness of the area around him. Nothing stirs but this streaky-color wind. No sound. No movement. Pale flatness now overlayed with despair.

He notices that in the clearing is a form…a person…a man. He is crouched on the ground, hugging his knees, back to Ennis. He is naked and his flesh glows a little whiter than the greys that surround him.

"Where'd he come from?" Ennis wonders, his confusion still in effect. "He wasn't there a minute ago? Why didn't I see him when I came up?"

Ennis feels a fear that wasn't present until this figure appeared. If he could sweat in this place, he would be now. He knows he needs to go closer but his feet are heavy and his will is evaporating.

This doesn't stop the compulsion that now moves him forward, heavy feet dragging, fear beginning to clamp down on his heart. As he gets closer, this form…this man…begins to look familiar. It's the set of the shoulders, the hair on the nape of the neck.

"Jack?" Ennis said tentatively as he looks around, fear clamping down. "Jack, what are you doin' in this place? Come on, rodeo, let's get away from here. This place ain't right for us to be in."

The man in front of him doesn't respond. Ennis steps a little closer to put his hand on the shoulder of this mysterious figure.

"Ennis," the form…Jack…spoke. The sound of his name chilled Ennis and caused the blood to leave his face…dizziness begins to descend on him.

"Ennis, why didn't ya love me like I loved you?" Jack said.

"What…Jack…what are ya talkin' about? Jack, didn't you know I…that I…I mean…ya know how I feel about ya. Come on now let's get outta here."

"Ennis, I loved you every minute I was alive…every minute of every day. Occurs to me now that you didn't love me at all."

"Jack, please...don't say that. Ya know how I felt, Jack. I mean…ya know, we was close…"

"Close. Ennis I asked you once to share a life with me, remember? It would have been a sweet life, too. Jus' you and me. A real sweet life."

"Jack, ya know we couldn't do that. We went over that so many times, Jack. It just wasn't something we could do."

"No, Ennis, it just wasn't something YOU could do." That struck Ennis like a shot.

"It was always you, Ennis. YOU didn't want to spend your life with me. YOU didn't want to look me in the face and tell me I was the only one. YOU were the selfish one. It was all about YOU, Ennis."

Ennis cringed at each YOU as if he was being whipped. Jack was still sitting with his back to Ennis but was rocking now, clearly agitated.

"Jack, please, that's not true. I did what I did for us. For the two of us. People might have found out and then it would have been the end. It was for you I stayed away like I did."

"No, Ennis. It was always about you. You had me on that damned short fucking leash… had it wrapped right around my neck. It was your hand held the leash, Ennis, no one else. You weren't thinking about me only about yourself."

"Jack, please, don't do this. Please, Jack, let's get outta here." Ennis had begun to tremble, his fear rising with each moment. He could feel something big coming…big and painful.

"There's nowhere to go Ennis. I'm dead. Done in by the same tire iron you were always afraid of. And you weren't there to protect me Ennis. That was your part ya know. It was you was supposed to protect me. I dreamt dreams for you, you stood solid to protect me. I was the clouds and the rapids in the mountains. You were the rock and place of security. You didn't do your part, Ennis. And now I'm dead for it."

Ennis had started to cry. He was hearing things he had tried to keep down deep inside so he didn't have to look at them and accept them and deal with them. He drank to keep these thoughts away. He closed himself off from the people and the world around him so he wasn't reminded of feelings. He slammed shut the doors to his heart for fear of what he kept hidden there.

"Jack, please…" Ennis was begging now. "I did what I could…"

The figure stood up suddenly. It was so clearly Jack that Ennis' breath caught.

"You did what you could, Ennis? Let me show you what happened when you did what you could…"

Jack spun. Ennis screamed.

Jack's face was nearly unrecognizable where the tire iron had slammed over and over, huge bruises on his sides where the ribs had been broken, his pelvis shattered where they stomped on his crotch, one arm bent at an odd angle.

"Oh God, Jack, sweet Jesus…please…please…no, Jack, please!" Ennis stumbled back, falling to the ground, trying to back up from this horrible vision. He tried to close his eyes but it was as if he had no eyelids. His head was in a vise and wouldn't move away from this apparition. All he could do was stare…horrified and transfixed.

"This is what your selfishness did. You weren't there to protect me like you were supposed to, Ennis. This is on you."

Ennis was sobbing now…his body shaking. His throat had closed, his heart had clenched, his brain was on fire.

All those feelings that he had shoved deep down inside and tried to forget were boiling up like lava and causing havoc along the way.

"Jack, please…this wasn't my fault. Please. It ain't like ya say, Jack Please, God, don't make it like he says..."

Jack only stood there…but the force of his condemnation reached to Ennis.

Thoughts and words from these hidden depths were forming now in Ennis' brain, shouting to be spoken.

"Jack, I…I… I loved you, Jack."

The first of the major admissions breaking free.

"I did Jack, I loved you. I know that I never said that to you, though you wanted it bad. There was never nobody else, there was only you. And I loved you, Jack, so bad it hurt every day I had to live without you around. Even now, Jack, I can't be awake that you aren't on my mind, that I don't miss you so bad I could bear the fires of hell if you'd just come back to me. I wouldn't have let this happen to you." Ennis was now sobbing.

Jack hadn't moved, but he didn't look quite as bad as he had.

"I'm so sorry, Jack. I'm so sorry. I let you down, I know that.…but, Jack, I…it was so hard…I couldn't…I couldn't say that I was queer, Jack, that I loved a man. Everyone hates queers, right, Jack? I mean how could I say that? The way people would look at me…But, Jack, I do love you…and…you're a man…I could never say to myself, Jack, that I was…queer."

The second of the major admissions.

Jack was recognizable now and stepping toward Ennis but he was too caught up in the maelstrom of emotions to see. All he could do was open his mouth and speak the words that floated up.

"Why didn't you want to be with me, Ennis?"

"Jack, no, please…."

"Why, Ennis?" Jack was more forceful here.

"Jack…I…" Ennis was completely broken at this point and sobbing uncontrollablly. He had fallen and simply lay limp on the ground, his sobs the only thing to be heard.

Jack has stepped close to Ennis and squatting asked him again, "Why, Ennis?"

When he could catch a breath he said quietly, "I…I was afraid, Jack."

The third and final admission.

Ennis pushed himself up on one elbow.

"I was afraid. I was afraid people would know. I was afraid people would point and whisper. I was afraid…of…just what happened to you. I was afraid…that I would end up like old Earl." Ennis sounded like a lost and lonely little boy. His sobbing had begun to calm. The air around him had begun to brighten some.

"I was afraid. Afraid for me…and you, Jack. It was fear that kept me from going to you. That's it, Jack. That's all there is. I should have been with you…done my part to watch over you, Jack, and that's the godhonest truth." Ennis had stopped crying but tears still flowed and he would hiccup every now and then. He still lay where he had fallen…no strength to get up.

Jack was whole now and dressed in the clothes he had worn on Brokeback. A pale light surrounded him and shone on Ennis.

In a soft and penitent voice, "I should have been there, Jack. You was the only one I ever loved and I should have been there. I knew you loved me, Jack, though I couldn't call it that, but I knew. I always knew. Whenever you looked at me, you always looked right at me as if I was the most important person in the world. Whenever you touched me, it was like electricity. Whenever you kissed me, I felt I was the luckiest guy in the world. With you, Jack, I was somebody."

"I'm sorry, Jack. Please…please, Jack, will you forgive me?"

Jack had reached Ennis and caught him up in his arms. "I already have, Ennis, I already have. You just need to forgive yourself now." Jack's voice was clear and steady…no more condemnation.

Ennis woke and saw that he was no longer in the clearing but up on Brokeback at the old campsite where they had herded sheep. He was laying down. He felt rested, refreshed.

As he looked around he saw that his head was resting in Jack's lap…Jack brushing his hair with his fingers. This was the Jack from that same time with the sheep.

"Jack." Ennis said quietly. Speaking his name, Ennis was now able to put all the love he had ever felt for this man into that one word.

"Ennis," Jack said, smiling broadly and looking at Ennis as if he was the only person that existed.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Ennis. I'm sorry I had to be a part of bringing that kind of pain to you. But there weren't no other way to get you to see," Jack said, his eyes taking on a sad cast as he did.

"Shh, darlin', it's okay. I got it now. I can say now that I love you and not be scared to admit it." Ennis got up to his knees so he could look Jack right in the eye. "I know why I did what I did now and the things I got to go back and do. You did it for me again, Jack. You made it so's I'll be whole again. I won't never forget that, bud."

"No, Ennis, it was you. How many times you and me had to go through this since I left. How many times we got to right where we were awhile ago. How many times we came so close but you couldn't say the things you needed to say. You couldn't get rid of the poison that you held inside."

"Things'll be better for you now, Ennis…easier for you to live day to day. Ya got some understandin' now of why things happened the way they did. Take that and make something good of it over there. You still got some time left, so you might as well be happy livin' it."

Ennis dropped his eyes, his feelings for Jack overwhelming him. The he looked up and smiled at Jack, leaned in and gave him a kiss. Jack put one hand on the back of Ennis' neck like he used to do. Ennis put his hand on Jack's…like he used to do.

When they parted, Jack said, "Ennis, you need to know that I never stopped loving you. That even at the end, when I was so mad at you that I coulda kicked your ass all the way back to Texas, I still loved you. That will never change. I didn't quit you then, and I won't quit you now. I love you, Ennis, more than you can know."

"Jack…will you be waitin' for me when it's my time?"

"That's the plan, cowboy."

Ennis woke in a pool of his own sweat. The sheets tossed about…half on the floor, half wrapped around his legs. His eyes opened quietly and easily. He lay there for a long time just staring at the ceiling…the memories of Jack and his dream playing in his head.

There was none of the internal pain he had gotten so used to living with…the gut-gnawing ache that he could extinguish only with alcohol. There was just a calmness that he had only ever experienced when he was with Jack. Looking around, it felt like he was present…watching…letting his presence be known so that Ennis wouldn't be so alone anymore.

He remembered all that Jack had helped him to admit. He remembered the things Jack had said to him. Jack did truly love him! He felt like a human being again. He felt his future open up.

He got up, washed up at the sink best he could, put on his clothes and jacket. He walked to the closet where he kept the shirts. He opened it and took the shirts off the nail in the door and closed it. He hammered another nail into the outside of the door where he now hung the two shirts…his only physical connection to Jack that there was left.

He smiled, stroking both shirts. No more hiding. No more keeping Jack out of sight. He was proud now that he had known and loved this man. He had accepted his admissions of love for Jack, shame at being queer, and fear of the tire iron and knew that his life would forever be different. Whenever he thought of Jack now, it would be with love and not guilt, self-hatred and recrimination.

"I love you, Jack Twist. I could never say that before but there it is…I love you and I swear that I always will. But right now I got to go make some changes with this second chance you done give me in this life. I got some people to re-acquaint with. I got a life to fix. I want you to be proud of me, Jack Twist, when you meet me on that day. Wait for me, bud. I'll try to be patient until then."

End


	15. Always Leaving

**Always Leaving**

Jack was driving back to Childress. It was the fifth time that he and Ennis had gotten together for one of their "fishing trips". He was having difficulty seeing the road ahead of him and felt that he'd have to pull over so he'd live to see Texas.

He stopped the truck on the shoulder of the back road he was on. He hadn't driven very far from where he left Ennis. He stared straight ahead, trying not to think…trying not to let it seep in too deep that he was leaving Ennis and wouldn't be seeing him again for months…no contact at all…maybe a card. He was trying to do what he was not capable of doing…stuff his feelings away, down deep…and, of course, he failed. Tears began to flow and his shoulders shook with the wracking sobs that swept through him.

They woke up early that morning, Ennis holding Jack tightly from behind. Jack had woken up first but didn't move…barely breathed…so he could get this moment of peace to last as long as he could. He stayed quiet, relishing Ennis' touch, his smell, the soft brush of his breath on Jack's neck. But, like all things, this moment was temporary.

A few minutes later, Ennis woke and drew Jack even closer…snuggling close to sniff his neck, kiss it lightly. For Jack this was one of his magic moments.

"Hey, rodeo," Ennis said in his just-woke-up husky voice, "time to get up. Can't sleep all day." Jack reached for Ennis' hand and pulled it close to him and just like a little boy said, "No, and ya cain't make me." Ennis snickered. There was a short scuffle that followed with easy laughter, a couple of kisses…and then a couple more.

They had packed everything, put the horses in the trailer, cleaned up their campsite. Jack was taking any opportunity to stay close to Ennis, to touch him for any reason, make any conversation he could to hear his voice…slowing down so he could be with him a few minutes more.

Of course, the time came when everything was done and it was time for Jack and Ennis to leave. It was inevitable and was always difficult for Jack.

He stood with Ennis, both silent, looking out over the mountains and streams they had shared their time with this last week. He stood close to Ennis so their shoulders touched and occasionally he'd bump him with his knee. This went on for a little while.

"Jack."

Jack reached for Ennis' hand lacing their fingers together. He was looking at the ground now. Not wanting to hear Ennis or think of what had to come next, his eyes closed

"It's time to go, bud."

Jack stood there scuffing the ground with his boot, squeezing Ennis' hand, trying but failing to hold time still. Realizing that there was nothing he could do, he turned to Ennis and held him tight. He didn't dare try to speak for fear the tears would start…can't in front of Ennis, he thought. He reached up and took Ennis' face in his hands and kissed him…not gently but not fiercely either.

Ennis had returned his hug and kiss with equal need to hold time still…but he was stronger and knew that Jack had to go.

"Come on, rodeo, ya ain't gonna get back to Texas if ya don't get in that truck."

Jack walked to his truck, Ennis' arm thrown over his shoulder. He kinda shuffled, once again, hoping it would give him an extra minute with Ennis.

They got to the truck and Ennis opened the drive's side door. He gave Jack one last hug and then slapped him on the back, grabbed his shoulder and faked a hearty laugh for Jack's sake…and his own, "Don't worry, bud, August'll come soon. We'll go someplace different this time. Maybe do some huntin'. Okay?"

Jack found his voice, "Sure thing, Ennis," gave a weak smile, one last quick kiss and got in the truck. He had his keys out and in his hand, his arm resting on the window of the door, looking at the steering wheel. Ennis put both his hands on Jack's forearm, "You be careful on that road back to Texas now. Send me a card sometime, let me know how you're doin', okay?"

Jack looked at Ennis to say, "Please, Ennis, don't make me leave. Please, don't send me away anymore," but couldn't, knowing nothing would come of it. They had been through this already and always with the same result…Ennis would say how two men can't live together, how it'd be the death of them, how they had families and all the rest of the reasons that Ennis came up with. With all his arguments, he had not been able to budge Ennis from his conviction that this was the only way things could be.

It wouldn't be any different now.

So all he said was, "Okay, Ennis. Long time till August, but I'll be here for sure." Ennis smiled, patted his forearm, and stepped back so Jack could drive off.

His hand shook as he tried to put the key in. He was holding all his pain back so he didn't cry in front of Ennis.

He started to see his empty marriage, his abusive father-in-law, the loneliness all beginning to envelop him…suffocating. The only bright spot to help him through all of this was Bobby. He'd keep Jack afloat until he could see Ennis again.

He started the truck, took one last look at Ennis, tried to give him a smile to remember him with and headed out to Texas.

Ennis walked over to his truck a little unsteady. He saw that it was difficult for Jack when it came time to leave, so tried to stand strong for him but wasn't able to pretend forever.

He leaned against the hood and let some of his pain…and some tears…flow out from him…it killed him to have to let Jack go like this. But better this than both killed by hatred and ignorance.

Unlike Jack the dreamer, the bright one…Ennis was the solid, down-to-earth one. Ennis was a doer, not a thinker. Where Jack saw his feelings and acted on them, Ennis couldn't, for the most part, even find his. Ennis did. Jack felt.

Once Ennis set his mind that something was what it was supposed to be, it was very difficult to get him to deviate. He saw that the two of them couldn't live together…to him this was clear. In order to protect Jack…and himself…they would only be able to meet back up here in the mountains where no one could see. Ennis thought this a solid reason for depriving each of the other.

He had listened to all of Jack's arguments and pleas, but the image of the tire iron always came to impose itself over anything Jack said. In his mind, he was the only one that seemed concerned about the implications, complications, and ramifications of two men living together. "Jack's got his head in the clouds," Ennis thought, "always looking up, never looking where he's walkin'." He would have to be strong for the both of them regardless of how Jack felt…Jack would have to stand it.

He saw how this hurt Jack but because he had pushed his own pain down so far, he couldn't understand how much worse it was for Jack. He couldn't comprehend how it was tearing Jack apart not to be able to give Ennis everything of himself each day they were alive. And because Ennis didn't feel or understand fully what Jack was experiencing…only what he, himself, was seeing…he saw no reason to change the relationship.

The advantage that Ennis had over Jack was Ennis' ability to shove everything down and out of the way so none of it interfered, so he could continue his life in between times with Jack…his life in general…without undue stress or pain. Jack was completely incapable of doing this. Where Ennis could sedate himself to not feel the pain and loss, Jack felt it all the time. It couldn't help but take its toll…and it would.

He knew he was doing the right thing…only because he couldn't comprehend Jack's side of things.

Ennis got in his truck. He took a moment because already the world was lonelier without Jack. He looked around the campsite area. He could still feel Jack here.

But now he had to go back to Alma….where there was no love…and his work on the ranch. He had to go back to a lie, a life of hiding who he was, hiding his feelings for Jack lest they surface and people know.

Like Jack, he had his girls to shed some light in his life until he could see him again. It wasn't enough, but it helped.

Ennis started the truck and sat with his hands on the steering wheel, "August'll be here soon. He'll be fine. Five months'll be gone before ya know it. He'll be okay," like a mantra, setting it in his head that he was right about this.

"He'll be okay," he said again. "I'll be okay," he thought, but that was a tiny voice and easily pushed aside. Ennis had to believe that it would all be okay or admit to himself and accept that he was wrong. And if he was wrong…what had he been putting Jack through all this time? He wouldn't be able to live with the answer to that question.

He pulled out and headed back to Riverton.

It's okay. August'll be here before ya know it.


	16. A Little Gift

**A Little Gift**

It was a beautiful morning. The sky was clear, the air was crisp, and they had only been on the mountain for a day which meant to Jack that they had six more to go. So, all in all, things were looking up.

Ennis had cooked breakfast so Jack was cleaning the dishes in the stream that ran right next to where their camp had been set up. Ennis was off getting the horses ready…they were going up further into the mountains for the day…not to hunt or fish or anything like that…just to be with each other. It had been many months since their last time together so it was kinda like reacquainting…getting the feel of the other all over again.

They rode for most of the morning when they found a little clearing where they could stop to eat some lunch and let the horses graze. A quiet place, a view of the mountains, sounds of life around them.

They had finished lunch and were sitting together against a log in the clearing. Each quiet, each content to be in the other's presence.

These times for Jack were always the happiest. And when he got really happy he always pulled out his harmonica. He had gotten fairly good at it over the years so it didn't sound like just a jumble of noise when he blew on it. He had a small repertoire of songs and tunes that he could play…a couple he had learned just for Ennis.

So he decided that it was time to play.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his harmonica. He started to play expecting as always the sidelong glances and grunt of exasperation that Ennis always had to express. He didn't fail to get what he had expected.

"Are you ever really gonna learn how to play that thing? Seems all these years and you sound just the same as you always did."

"I think I play pretty damn good, thank you Mr. del Mar."

"Can I see that a sec?"

"What? This? Why would you want to see my harmonica, Ennis?"

"Can I see it for a sec?"

Jack was now a little confused, since Ennis had never before asked to see his harmonica. He usually only complained about the quality of Jack's playing. Jack took a second but then handed it to Ennis.

Ennis calmly looked at it, held it up to the light, looked at it first with only one eye then the other. Jack was watching him not knowing at all what was happening or what Ennis was thinking.

"Ennis?"

Ennis, not looking Jack's way, put the harmonica in his pocket, picked up the whiskey they had been drinking and looked out enjoying the view.

"Ennis, gimme my harmonica." Ennis just ignored Jack.

"Ennis, gimme my harmonica before I kick your ass into next Tuesday." Jack was getting madder and his face was getting red.

Ennis turned to look at Jack with a "you and who else" kinda look. That was it for Jack. He jumped at Ennis and was determined that he would get his harmonica back if he had to beat that man into the ground.

Ennis was of course ready and simply caught Jack in a head lock holding his face pressed into his coat. Jack started to flap around, blindly swinging to catch a piece of Ennis. He was hopelessly trapped. It was quite the comical sight.

As Jack floundered around, his threats and swearing muffled by the coat he was smashed against, Ennis reached over to the saddlebag that he had brought up with him to the log. He reached inside and pulled out a small package, wrapped in plain paper.

He let Jack go so suddenly that Jack fell backwards away from Ennis landing in a heap a few feet away.

"Son of a bitch…get up so I can kick your ass, you flea-bitten piece of crap! I'm gonna beat you till you can't even ask me to stop. Get up, asshole, come on…." Jack was non-stop as he stood up to face Ennis.

Ennis tossed his package at Jack. He fumbled to catch it because he was too mad at Ennis to pay attention to anything else.

"What the fuck is this, Ennis, and you still haven't given me my harmonica back!"

"I was tired of all that caterwauling that you called music."

Jack just stood there, fuming, sputtering, unable to speak any longer. He could only stare at Ennis and then at the package then back at Ennis…

"Well, do I have to open it for ya or can you manage that yourself?"

Jack, still totally lost as to what was going on, looked down at the package. He turned it around once and found that on one surface was his name in Ennis' handwriting. Jack looked up at Ennis…one eyebrow cocked.

Ennis only showed Jack his normal, expressionless look but inwardly he was laughing his ass off.

Removing the paper, Jack found a hinged wooden box. There was a little latch on the front of the box, so Jack unlocked it and…with hands that slightly shook…opened the box. Inside was another harmonica. Not just any harmonica but a very expensive, professional-quality harmonica. The top was inlaid in abalone which gave it a pearl-like quality. Jack's bottom jaw didn't know how to meet up with his top jaw.

He glanced up at Ennis, his eyes beginning to water.

Ennis was looking down because he was finding it hard to keep his feelings from showing. He said very quietly, "Turn it over."

Jack hesitated, his hands visibly shaking now. He turned it over to find engraved on the back:

Jack Twist

No Better Friend Could Any Man Ask For

Ennis del Mar

Tears had started to run down Jack's face falling onto the very sentimental and totally unexpected show of affection that Ennis had just given him. In all his time with Ennis, this was a first and completely unexpected. Jack was at a total loss as to what to do. He could only stare at this gift and marvel at the thoughtfulness from a man he didn't feel capable of such thoughts.

Ennis was now standing a little distance from Jack, head down looking at the ground, at his boots, at the sky, at anything but Jack…his embarrassment plain. He kept thinking of what it had cost him to do this for Jack. How many months he worked at a second job to afford a harmonica of this quality. Finding someone who could engrave it. Someone to build the box to hold it. He didn't think of this as a hardship but as what he had to do so he could see Jack's face when he gave it to him. Everything was worth these few minutes. Ennis looked up at Jack and saw the tears and the shaking hand. He walked over to him and Jack looked up as he was coming.

"Ennis, how…? Why would you do this? I thought…".

"Jack, every time we get together you brought that damn harmonica. It never sounded right after you got thrown and fell on it…you know that. I figure you kept on bringing it and playing just to piss me off." Jack could only look down at his gift.

"So I figure if you want to piss me off, do it with a harmonica that sounds better than that piece of crap you been playing on for so long."

Jack closed his eyes and put his hand to his face. He was moved not so much by the fact that Ennis gave him a gift…never happened before…but by the words inscribed on the back, "No better friend could any man ask for." That was as close to an "I love you," as had ever come from Ennis.

Jack dropped his hand from his face, stepped up to Ennis and placed it on his chest over his heart… just holding it there. Ennis was not immune to all the emotion flowing around and his eyes had also teared up. He placed his hand over Jack's.

Jack looked Ennis in the face but was unable to say anything. Ennis saw his appreciation and the "thank you" that Jack wanted to say. He knew Jack felt things very deeply, though he didn't understand it, and knew that his gift had been accepted with as much feeling as Ennis had put into getting it for him.

Ennis slowly reached over and pulled Jack to him. Jack reached around to hold onto Ennis. They stayed like that for a good while.

Finally Ennis, wiping one tear from his face, said to Jack, "Well, are you just gonna hold onto that thing or are you going to play it?"

Ennis could feel Jack laugh as he held him. Jack pulled away. He took a look up at Ennis and walked a few feet away, his back to Ennis. He wiped his face with his sleeve…looked down at the ground for a minute. Composing himself, still not looking at Ennis, he began to play a few notes. Instantly, he knew this was a quality instrument. The sound was clear, pure, and resonated around him. The difference between his old harmonica and this one was like night and day.

Ennis had, in the meantime, sat down on the log so he could watch Jack. He was ecstatic that Jack liked what he had got for him. He had worried about the inscription…it was not like him to express himself this way and he had actually asked the man who inscribed it to phrase it for him. He hoped that he could get across to Jack some of what he felt for him. Ennis didn't realize just how successful that effort had been.

Jack turned now and started playing one of the songs that Ennis liked, his eyes glittering. He knew what Ennis had been trying to say to him, but couldn't, so would accept this as the best that Ennis could do. This had been a huge effort for Ennis and it wasn't wasted on Jack.

Jack thought that this was a wonderful, magical and amazing day…and he played to show Ennis how he felt about it.


	17. If We Knew Then

This storyline was suggested by my good friend, Shawn. While not a BBM fan (sad to say) he does listen patiently while I ramble on and on and on about the boys. So thanks, Shawn.

If We Knew Then…

Ennis woke up, not sure for a minute where he was. He looked around…the room was empty, he was lying on a strange bed. A TV was mounted at the corner of the wall and ceiling. A curtain was pulled down one side of his bed. He had a view of the window. It was grey and rainy outside. He didn't know what day of the week it was.

He turned his head, no one sat in the one chair on his side of the room. He didn't remember if anyone had come to see him while he was there. He could hear the heavy breathing of the other patient in the room and sounds of people and equipment from outside his door.

His mouth was dry. He reached for the water pitcher and cup on the stand next to his table. He noticed his hands, they were old and thin, knuckles swollen from arthritis. For a moment he wondered who they belonged to. He brought his hands to his face…wrinkles, skin dried from years of hard work and sun. The very odd thought came to him, "I'm an old man."

While trying to understand why that should be such a mystery to him, he poured himself some water to relieve the cotton mouth he had. He lay back now realizing how weak he was, how brittle he felt himself to be. He could see how the years had piled on top of him weighing him down, pushing him closer and closer to the dirt and dust that would take him at the end. He thought for sure that end was near.

His thoughts of dying brought thoughts of living…memories of things past. He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the life he had led. He thought how lonely his life had been for so long…Alma was long dead, Junior and Francine had stopped coming by years ago, he had no one he could call a friend. He had pushed everyone away with his grief. He thought of the pain and desolation that he had endured since Jack died…how he had never felt whole or right again. There was no one for him to love or be loved by.

Memories of Jack. Usually they were hazy and indistinct, as if seen through panes of frosted glass. Ennis could barely remember his face. But today, images of Jack came rushing to his mind…the good and bad, the pleasant and painful. Today, his memories of Jack had a touch of solidness that was normally absent. They were clear, precise and very close.

Ennis could see Jack as if he were in the room…it was the Brokeback summer. Jack, running, jumping, playing the fool. Jack, staring at Ennis from under his hat when he thought Ennis couldn't see him, that silly little smile on his lips. Jack, sweaty and breathing hard in a dark tent, on the mountain in the moonlight.

But these weren't his only memories of Jack. He saw…

Jack….as he stood at the truck the day they left the mountain, pleading with his eyes, his body, "Don't leave, Ennis. Don't turn me away." Ennis had given him no hope even though he wanted with all his heart to hold Jack close. But he walked away. He could feel Jack's hopes crushed. He could feel his own life slip away.

Jack….in the mountains by the river a couple days after their reunion in Riverton. Jack's eyes, even in the moonlight, sparkling and shining, his smile broad across his face. "A cow and calf operation…" he had said. "A sweet life…" he had said. Again, Ennis felt Jack's hopes and dreams crushed when he told him it wouldn't be that way. Again, Ennis felt his life slipping away.

Ennis tried to let go of the memories but they were coming faster now and clearer.

Jack….leaving the mountains where he and Ennis had spent time, in tears, because again Ennis had stood firm and refused Jack a life closer together.

Jack….after Ennis' divorce, pushed away again. His heart mangled so badly now that the love Jack had for Ennis had begun to turn to anger and bitterness.

Jack….leaving fishing trips, meet ups, get togethers, dispirited, a little more bitter, a little less the Jack from Brokeback. All the time, Ennis standing firm, refusing to see the damage caused to each of them by his stance on their being together.

Jack….Ennis telling him he could kill him for what he doesn't want to know. Jack, turning and finally venting the anger and pain that he had been feeling for years…realizing that this could be it…the end.

Jack….dead on the side of a road, not from an accident, Ennis knew, but the tire iron.

Ennis was lost in this vortex of memory and emotion. How did he get here? How could he stop it? It was too much, too overwhelming. "I don't want to see this!' he screamed in his mind.

The pain he was feeling in this remembrance was real to him and powerful. All the things Jack had been feeling he felt now. All that he had done to Jack coming back to him. All his fears multiplied over all the times they met, pounding on his mind.

The realization of what he had done to Jack, had put him through all those years, coming to the forefront. All the pain that he had suffered by rejecting Jack and his love for Jack, swelling inside him.

But it still wasn't over…

He saw the life he had endured after Jack's death. Desolate, despairing, haunted. Unable to recover, he saw how he had pushed and turned people away. Unable to cope, he saw the poverty he endured and the devastation that can cause a human being to retreat from everything around him.

He saw the 30 years of his life after Jack's death...wasted, agonizing, spent in a personal hell of regret, guilt, and self-blame. He saw his death…alone, hating himself, the empty shell of a human being.

He tried to shout, to scream, anything to relieve this pain he was in. He heard a sound as of an animal in pain. A moan of despair and anguish, building, louder…

ooooooooooooo

Jack was jarred awake by the sound of something in pain. He started up to look outside thinking it was one of the horses when he realized it was coming from next to him. He turned as he heard Ennis let out a moan of anguish, a wail of agony and pain. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he felt chilled to the bone.

Before Jack could move or respond to what was happening, Ennis sat bolt upright and put his hands to his face crying, "No, no, please, no…don't let it be that way." He was sobbing. He started to fight, trying to get out. Jack realized Ennis didn't know where he was but couldn't help him. Luckily Ennis was pointed at the tent flap so made it outside. Jack noticed that he had not opened his eyes yet.

Ennis got out into the open, Jack right behind, calling his name.

Ennis stood for a moment in the moonlight, Jack coming up to him, pleading with him to turn around, "Ennis, what's the matter, talk to me!"

Ennis went straight to his knees sobbing as if the whole world was coming to an end, shouting, "Jack. I'm sorry, Jack. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, Jack. I loved you. Please, don't leave me alone. I'm sorry."

Jack had been trying to get Ennis to look at him but now took a step back. "What did he just say?"

"It shouldn't a been that way, Jack. It's cause a me they got you. I wasn't there to save you."

Ennis' sobbing had begun to diminish. He knelt, his forehead on the ground, his hands wrapped behind his head. He just kept saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Jack was still stunned by Ennis' actions and the things he had heard him say. He shook off his paralysis and bent to help Ennis.

Ennis was kneeling there, rocking a little, just mumbling, "No, no, no, it can't be. I'm sorry, Jack. I'm sorry." Jack got down with him and started calling his name, softly so as not to startle him. He stayed this way until Ennis had stopped crying.

Slowly, Ennis sat up, his eyes open though swollen from the crying. He wiped his face with his coat sleeve. His eyes began to focus and he started to look around, though still without much recognition.

The vision he had been caught in was superimposed over the reality of Brokeback and Jack. He couldn't look at one without seeing the other. He saw Brokeback as it was right then and also through the lens of 50 years of memory.

He turned and saw Jack, who had his own tears running down his face from fear for Ennis.

"Ja..ack." Ennis said with a hiccup.

"Ennis, my God, are you alright?"

Ennis reached out to touch Jack and stopped for a moment. He could see the Jack of memory…angry, bitter, pained with the inability to break Ennis' chokehold on their relationship. He saw the now-Jack…beautiful, bright, the dreamer, and in love with Ennis despite himself.

Jack reached up and took Ennis' hand in his. Ennis, confused by the vision, looked Jack straight in the face. Jack saw enormous pain in Ennis' eyes…pain far greater than a man of his young age should have to experience..

"Jack, I'm sorry I hurt you so bad. I didn't mean to, Jack. I was so afraid and loved you so much…but I couldn't help ya, Jack, when I needed to."

The vision was fading and the reality of Brokeback coming clear now. Ennis began to look around him seeing things as they were in that moment, not in a distant, painful future.

Jack was desperate now and had ahold of Ennis' coat, calling to him, trying to get Ennis to look him.

Ennis could hear Jack like he was off in the distance. As the vision cleared the reality of Brokeback was all that he could see now. The memory had faded but was not gone.

Jack was crying and calling his name. Ennis put his head down and tears fell softly. He reached for Jack holding onto him tightly, remembering the pain that the two had suffered because of him. Jack kept talking to him, now softly and gently.

The crying had stopped for the both of them. Ennis stood letting go of Jack, walked on unstable legs down to the stream and splashed some water on his face…the cold helping to clear his head more. He stood up, wiping his face on his sleeve. Jack was right beside him, calmer now, but still at a complete loss as to what had happened.

Ennis sat back on the bank of the river, exhausted, empty…vague little ripples from the nightmare rushing across his sight.

Ennis looked up and, seeing Jack's concern, reached over and took his hand. "I'm okay, Jack. It's alright. Come here." And he drew Jack to him and held him for awhile while he looked back, trying to understand in some way, any way, what had just happened.

Jack tried to question him but all Ennis would say was that he'd had a bad dream, a really bad dream. Jack knew that wasn't the whole truth but Ennis had clamped down now and wasn't going to speak about it. He had wanted to ask him why he said, "I love you."

After a little while, Ennis got up and walked over to the fire, tossing some logs on. Jack had followed him.

Ennis looked up at Jack when he approached. Jack saw a pain in Ennis' eyes, like he had experienced hell and come back. Ennis meanwhile saw only the pain he had caused Jack…was going to cause Jack…had experienced in this dream. It was all so confusing. He couldn't get his mind to work right.

Ennis sat on the ground near their log. Jack stood a little ways away. Ennis would shake his head occasionally like he was trying to get something out of it. Jack didn't know what to do.

Ennis looked up at Jack, now with a need, a longing in his eyes that was deeper than any Jack had seen with Ennis before. Ennis looked back down, then up again.

"Jack….please?" Ennis had timidly reached for Jack asking him to sit with him.

Jack moved immediately to Ennis' side taking his hand as he sat. Ennis held his hand for a moment then slowly leaned into Jack until he was enveloped in his arms. He cried softly for awhile, Jack could feel little tremors running through his body.

They sat there together until the fire burned low. When they went back to the tent, Ennis asked if Jack would just stay close to him that night while he slept.

ooooooooooooooo

Nearly a week had gone by. The dream had begun to fade, moving from the foreground to a place in the back of Ennis' mind. A lot of the pain stayed with him.

Jack felt left out and useless. If he did something for Ennis, Ennis would thank Jack but wouldn't talk any more than that. If Jack asked him about that night, Ennis would turn to him and say quietly, "I can't right now, Jack. Someday, okay?"

Sometimes Ennis would grab Jack and hold him as if he was gonna disappear at any moment. Other times, he'd stand alone, staring off at the mountains. Sometimes Jack could hear him crying off away from the camp.

In the tent at night, Ennis was gentle and attentive. Jack had never seen this side of him. He was used to Ennis trying to ignore the fact that it was a man with him, but not now. There was no hesitation for Ennis, now, to recognize it was Jack.

oooooooooooooooooo

Jack was looking for busy work to do around the camp site while waiting for Ennis to come down for supper. He expected him in another couple hours, so was surprised when he heard Ennis' horse coming down the path from the sheep.

"Ennis, you okay? Whattya doin' here so early?"

Ennis jumped from his saddle and strode over to where Jack was standing. He caught Jack by his coat lapels and pulled him close, mouth to mouth, body to body. It was a passionate kiss like Jack was used to from Ennis but unlike any kiss he and Ennis had ever exchanged.

"Jack, saddle up and come with me."

Jack, still stunned by the kiss, was confused. "But, Ennis, I gotta make supper and ain't nothing started, I mean, you bein' here so early."

"Don't worry about supper, Jack. Saddle up. Come on. Hurry up, rodeo, time's a-wastin'" Ennis was clearly excited and trying to contain it.

Jack strode over to his horse, looking back at Ennis occasionally, thinking that he had finally gone mad from all the stress of the past week or so. He saddled her and rode over to where Ennis was waiting.

Ennis turned and led the way to a little glade in the area that Jack hadn't known about. A beautiful place…a stream running through it, tall trees circling and the mountains rising above. If Jack hadn't been so concerned about Ennis, he'd have thought this one of the most magical places he had ever seen.

Ennis dismounted, followed by Jack. Ennis walked over and took Jack by the hand…itself a rare event…and led him to a little rise in the glade, the sun beaming down.

Ennis sat pulling Jack down beside him. Jack looked around thinking this was an unusually beautiful place. Ennis was watching Jack and when he turned back around to Ennis, saw Ennis looking right at him.

Ennis put his head down, like he was embarrassed. "Okay, Jack, I got some things I wanna say to you." Ennis looked up at Jack. Jack was clueless as to why he was here.

"I come to know some things now that I didn't know before. Some things about me…and some about you. Me? I know now that all my life I been afraid. Afraid of openin' up to anyone. Afraid of getting' hurt. I was so afraid that I turned myself inside out and lived deep inside where no one could get to me.

"Problem here, Jack, is that you got to me. I fought tooth and nail not to let that happen, but it did and now I sit here with you. And God's honest truth, Jack, I don't think I'd rather be anywhere else."

Ennis hesitated for a moment, "I love you, Jack Twist. More than you can know."

Jack could have been carved from marble as still as he got.

Ennis turned to Jack so he faced him straight on, "And here's something about you I come to know." Ennis looked at Jack kinda sideways with a little grin on his face.

"I know, Mr. Rodeo, that you love me, too." Jack's heart skipped a beat. He had come to accept his love for Ennis but it was a closely guarded secret.

Ennis was enjoying this immensely.

"I'm thinkin' that the only proper solution to this here situation is that I never leave your side, Jack…because, ya know, as my daddy said, you rodeo cowboys are fuckups. No telling what kind of trouble you'd get in if I ain't there to watch over you." A single tear was rolling down Jack's face.

Ennis leaned in toward him, now totally serious, "Jack, you think you could spare some time to spend with a dirt-poor cowboy from Wyoming? I clean up real good."

ooooooooooooo

Ennis had just woke up, forgetting for a moment where he was. He looked up and saw the TV mounted in the corner of the wall and ceiling. Around the room he saw all the flowers that his friends had brought. He looked over at the one chair in the room and saw Jack sitting there, reading some book he had bought in the gift shop. Jack looked up when he heard the movement.

"Hey, cowboy. How ya feelin'?"

"Could use some water." Jack poured him a glass and handed it to Ennis. He finished it and handed it back to Jack. As he did, he saw that his hands were wrinkled and the joints swollen with arthritis. Somehow this action seemed familiar. He reached up to feel his face…wrinkled from hard work and years in the sun. "I'm old now," he said.

"You been old for a long time now, bud. This just occurring to ya?" Jack smiled at that knowing that it helped keep Ennis' spirits up if he jabbed at him every now and then. Ennis replied, "Well, I ain't the only one looks like a prune around here."

Ennis got serious after a moment reaching over to take Jack's hand. "Jack, long ago, I asked you if you could spare some time for a cowboy from Wyoming. I'm glad you did, Jack. I'm awful glad you did." Jack looked away to regain his composure.

Ennis took a moment because his chest was tightening and his eyes tearing up. "I want you to know…you are the only one I've ever loved. There was never anyone but you, rodeo. Always you." Ennis tried to blink back the tears. "Don't you ever forget that, okay?"

Jack smiled, eyes a little teary. "Ennis, you have loved me more than one person can humanly love another. I don't know that I ever deserved a love like that. You have cared for me and protected me just like you said that day on Brokeback." Jack stopped, remembering. "That day…I'll never understand what happened then to turn you around so."

Ennis looked at Jack squarely in the eye, "I got another chance that day, Jack. A second chance…"

End


	18. An Admission

An Admission

Ennis had set out before dawn that day. He hadn't been able to sleep for thinking of Jack and before the sun was up had saddled his horse and headed down to the camp site. He figured by the time he got there, Jack would at least be up and he could help him with breakfast. Well, that's not all he wanted to help him with but, first things first, breakfast.

It was a quiet ride down from the sheep, cool that morning. The birds had just started to wake and you could hear the occasional peep from the trees. The tips of the mountains had started to light up as dawn approached while the stars faded to wait for night to come.

Ennis didn't think in words like beautiful, wonderful, majestic, but even though he didn't have the words, he had realized lately that he had the feelings. And he only had the feelings, he knew, because Jack had taught him how. So he road down to the camp feeling the beauty of the pre-dawn glow in the sky, wonder at these vast open spaces, and majesty when he caught glimpses of the mountains through the trees.

Jack was teaching him a lot of things. Some he knew of, some he wouldn't until later…in some instances, much later.

He had made the last turn on the trail that led to the camp and saw that there was no movement. Everything, he could see, was in place showing there was no danger. So he knew that Jack just hadn't gotten up yet. He had started to call Jack some names, when he remembered that he was really early that day. Jack wouldn't be up for a little while yet since he wasn't expecting Ennis for a bit longer.

Ennis' thoughts of Jack had put him in a good, but rowdy, mood. His thoughts moved to how best to rile Jack up. Ennis thought it was the funniest thing to see Jack jump around all irate and such. He got off his horse and tied him up back from the camp.

He came down the trail quiet…very quiet…a skill he had. As he got near the tent, he started shuffling through the brush, pushing logs around, throwing things, whoofing so he could sound like a bear. As he got really close, he brushed up against the tent and heard "Jesus!" Jack was awake now!

He kept moving around the tent shaking stuff, shoving things aside, brushing up against the tent some more. He could hear Jack in a low voice. He wasn't sure if he was cussing or praying. He gave the tent one more big shake and walked away through the brush like the bear was leaving.

He quietly went back to the camp and sat on the log by the fire pit facing right at the tent. He composed himself so he wouldn't give anything away. He didn't have long to wait for Jack.

The tent flap opened just a little. Ennis could see Jack peering out. It was still a little dark, so knew that it might be hard for Jack to see him.

Jack poked his head out looking around. Suddenly he spotted Ennis. He got out of the tent, peering this way and that trying not to show how scared he had been.

"Ennis…..uh, whattya doin' down here….uh , this is kinda early?" He was walking toward the side of the tent looking back into the brush. Ennis didn't answer.

"You been here long? Uh, you…uh, didn't hear anything kinda in the brush back here when you came in didja?"

Ennis was unable to restrain himself and looking straight at Jack, a corner of his mouth went up in a smile.

Jack's brain snapped to what had happened. Ennis had expected him to jump on him, laugh, and wrestle around a bit. He saw Jack freeze up, his jaw tighten, and his hands clench. He wasn't expecting this type of response.

"YOU, SON OF A BITCH! YOU PIECE A SHIT….WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WAS DOING SCARIN' THE FUCK OUTTA ME LIKE THAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE…WHY WOULD YOU…YOU MADE ME THINK A BEAR WAS OUT HERE…" Jack had started to become incoherent. Ennis lost his smile, stunned. Jack had never acted like this before toward him.

Jack was walking around waving his hands, still shouting at Ennis.

Ennis walked up near Jack, "Jack, it was just a joke, okay? What's all this getting' mad about?"

"A joke? You think that's a joke? What the fuck is wrong with you, Ennis?"

"Jack, come on now, calm down. It ain't all that. I was just foolin', Jack. I didn't mean no harm."

Jack turned to Ennis, "I'm gonna bash your fucking head in," and Jack started frantically scanning the area, "just let me…find some kinda…head-bashing type a something…"

Ennis had reached Jack and put his hand on his shoulder. Jack jumped back, "Get the fuck away from me!"

"Jack, now, yer goin' a bit far with this, don't ya think?"

Jack had backed up, a tear ran down his cheek.

"Jack, what the hell is goin' on here? I didn't mean no harm." Ennis had started getting defensive now, which showed in his tight lips, narrowing eyes, and hunched shoulders.

"Stay the hell away from me, asshole!"

"Now, Jack, I said I was sorry. Let's not go too far with this."

"Too far, ya think I'm goin' too far?" Jack cried out to Ennis, "I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE, YOU FUCK, AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!"

Lower, "I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye." Jack started to sob, his head hanging, his hands on his knees.

Ennis froze where he stood.

Jack cried where he was standing.

Ennis blinked……………………………………………then blinked again.

He remembered that he had to breathe.

Jack had just crossed a line between the two of them…even if it was in anger. Jack had just told Ennis how much he cared for him. Now Ennis couldn't ignore that any longer.

With Jack's declaration, Ennis saw instantly the mirrored feeling in himself. He saw that he, too, would have died thinking of Jack. Before, Ennis kept it in his mind that it was just sex…nothing more. Now he had to accept that their relationship was much deeper than he thought…than he had let himself think.

He took one step.

Jack was walking in little circles now.

Ennis took a couple more steps that put him within reach of Jack.

"Jack…" Ennis said softly as he reached for his shoulder.

"Get the fuck away from me!" Jack pushed his hand away.

"Come on, Jack, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry." He walked closer to Jack. The only thing Ennis could bring to his mind right now was how to handle a frightened horse. So he just kept quietly walking toward Jack as Jack kept backing up. He kept calling his name softly.

"Jack, come on, bud. That was wrong a me to do, I know that. I wasn't thinking."

He had reached for Jack again. Jack was facing away from him. He put his hand on Jack's shoulder.

"No, go away," Jack said, still crying. But now not as forcefully.

Ennis got his other hand on Jack's other shoulder. He was shaking, little tremors running through him with the sobbing. He had his hand to his face.

"Jack, come on, come here, please. I'm real sorry, Jack. Please, don't cry no more."

"You're an asshole."

"Yeah, Jack, I been called that before. Come on now. Turn around, okay? Come on, Jack."

He got Jack to turn around. When he did Jack threw his arms around Ennis' middle holding on like Ennis was gonna be taken away at any moment.

Ennis now had a different way to look at Jack…a different understanding now of why Jack looked at him, held him, lay with him the way he did. That meant, of course, he saw all these things in himself also.

"It's okay, rodeo, hmm? It's okay. I ain't goin' nowhere. I'm sorry, it was a stupid joke. I won't never do nothin' like that again, alright?"

Jack wanted to say more right then like, "Don't leave me. Don't ever go away. I got nothin' if you ain't around." But held back. He had let that one truth out during his outburst only because he was incapable of thinking at the moment and said what he had been feeling.

Ennis held tightly to Jack wanting to say more, "I feel the same way, Jack. I don't wanna ever let you go. I don't want to die, either, without saying goodbye."

They stood there for a little while. Both recovering from the intensity of the event.

"Did I really sound like a bear?" Ennis said softly.

Jack laughed, "Fuck you."

"No, really. I thought, ya know, the rustling around was pretty good, but I don't know that I got that bear part really down. Whattya think there, rodeo?"

Jack just laughed still holding on to Ennis.

"I mean, seemed okay to me, but you might notta thought that. Maybe, you thought I was some kinda wild rabbit or something."

Jack laughed and pushed Ennis away. "Fuck you, Ennis," this said with a more civil and playful tone."

"Well, I don't know what you was hearing in that tent. Coulda been a rabbit…or coulda been a squirrel. Whattya think, Jack, you was scared of a rabbit or a squirrel?"

Jack had been standing a little distance away, his back to Ennis. He looked around at Ennis, "I'll show you rabbit or squirrel!" and jumped at Ennis taking him down in one motion.

They tussled and wrestled for a little bit, Ennis letting Jack get the best of him.

They ended up on the ground side by side facing each other.

Ennis, showing Jack by his expression he was dead serious, told him, "I'm real sorry, Jack. I'd never do nothin' to hurt you, ya know that. I was just rarin' to get down here to see ya and…well, I guess I just went too far." Ennis looked down and away for a moment, "It weren't the same up there without ya. I…uh, I guess… I missed ya some."

Jack saw this admission of Ennis' as straight from the heart. He couldn't fault Ennis for anything when he showed the inside of himself that way. Jack knew he was probably the only person for a long time that he would do that with.

"You're still an asshole…and I'm sorry I called you all them names. I mean, some of them…"

Ennis laughed. Jack was real creative when he started cussing.

"So, well, ya know," Ennis said, "now that you're awake and, uh, I'm here and, ya know, we done got so worked up…wondering if there weren't something we could do that would, um, ease things up some, ya know?"

"I don't know, Ennis. I mean, you done me wrong here today. I don't know if I can help you with…" Ennis planted one on Jack's lips drawing him close. He tried to show him how sorry he was for what he had done.

When Ennis released him, Jack said, "Well, now, that does make things a little better…"

Ennis laughed. Jack laughed.

The sun came up…another day dawned.

end


	19. Have a Cup of Coffee

Have a Cup of Coffee

Ennis had come down from the sheep for supper. Jack had supper ready – potatoes, beans, bacon. The bean diet they had had after the bear the week before was gone now, replaced by new supplies.

Ennis, though more vocal lately, hadn't talked much while they were eating except to discuss the sheep or the weather or coyotes, and then only in single syllable words. He seemed preoccupied and nervous, like he needed to say or do something but couldn't figure out how.

Jack, as usual, kept up his a running dialogue of anything and everything that came to his mind. Ennis had lately begun to open up and would now answer questions and join in the conversation instead of saying nothing for an entire evening, letting Jack do the talking. Jack had hoped that the more he talked to Ennis, the more Ennis might come to trust him and start looking to him as a friend. Jack didn't know if he could get Ennis to be more than that, but he'd settle for a friend right now.

So his lack of conversation tonight was a little odd and it didn't go unnoticed by Jack.

As it came time for Ennis to pack up and get on back up to the sheep, he seemed to kinda hesitate, like he was trying to stretch out the time he had before he left. He would do little things that didn't need to be done, light another cigarette, help Jack with cleaning up.

Jack saw this and was kinda curious as to what was going on, because Ennis was always prompt to get back up to the pasture right after dinner…them damn sheep needed protectin', ya know. But today, Jack saw he was antsy and fidgety, like he didn't know where to put himself.

Jack glanced up once and caught Ennis looking at him with this kinda needy look in his eyes. Ennis had quickly turned away and walked off a little distance, scuffing at the ground.

Jack felt he needed to gently prod Ennis to find out what was going on.

"Ennis, I'm pretty much done here. There ain't nothin' else you gotta do."

"Hmm." Ennis grunted.

"You got all the blankets you need? It's gonna get some kinda cold tonight."

"Yeah."

Ennis turned and, looking everywhere but at Jack, said, "Jack, is that coffee still good?" He knew it wasn't.

Jack was figuring out what was happening here.

"Hell no, Ennis. Been sitting here seems for days now." Jack stood up and looked straight at Ennis. Ennis now looked straight at Jack.

Jack said, "If you want, though, I could make some more."

"Sure, that'd be good."

Now Jack had his number.

"Ennis, what about them sheep?"

Ennis looked up to the pasture, hands in his pockets, and said kinda gruffly, "Damn sheep can wait a while. Ain't nothin' gonna eat 'em if I stay to have a cup a coffee."

Jack smiled. This was the first time that Ennis had shown he wanted company. The first time that he had stepped forward to say, so to speak, that he wanted to stay for a little longer with Jack. His heart kinda did a leap of joy.

"Well, that coffee'll be ready in just a little bit. Come on and have a seat while we wait."

And Jack started talking like he usually did. When he would look over at Ennis, he'd see a slight smile on his face as he'd watch Jack talk and move around.

Jack had made himself a friend.


	20. To Shoulder a Burden

All credit goes to Annie Proulx who brought our boys into existence through the power of her amazing mind and talent.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

To Shoulder a Burden

Ennis was getting home from the ranch, one in a long line of ranches and odd jobs that he had taken in order to survive. He had stumbled through this day as he had every day for the last four years…ever since he and Jack had that big argument. Ranch hands and foreman often thought he was just slow in the head because he'd be doing something and just stop and stare into the distance. He'd forget what he was told. He talked to no one unless it was directly pertaining to his job or pay. He wasn't slow. He was in one long, never-ending spell of grief.

His days were grey, his nights tortured with dreams of Jack. He had no friends and his relationship with his daughters was strained. He had let himself go and didn't really care. Somewhere up ahead on the line of his life, this pain would end. He wouldn't hasten that day but neither would he be sorry when it happened.

For awhile after he got back from his last trip with Jack, he had thought that everything would be fine. Jack always came around. Some things had been said but, like Ennis was capable of doing, he soon pushed them down and away from his consciousness. He had convinced himself that Jack would come back. He would have to…wouldn't he?

But the longer he waited, the more he felt that this was it. Jack had quit him…finally. The thing he had not wanted to see or acknowledge had come to pass. His slow spiral down had started with that realization.

He had sent Jack cards, often and frantically, when he had missed the November meeting that first year but never received any in return. He had sent one recently but held only the barest of hopes that it would be answered.

Sending these cards was the only link he had to Jack, the only tangible thing that he could do to keep Jack in his life…so he just kept sending them, not wanting to admit that it was finished between them. But the day was fast approaching when he would have to accept that Jack was gone from his life and he'd never see him again. He just couldn't hold on to this vanishing hope much longer.

He had pulled up to his trailer…neglected and dirty on the outside and in. He had stopped looking at things like that consumed as he was with the loss of Jack.

As he walked up to the trailer, he checked his mailbox…a small, tiny part of him always hoping that there would be some word from Jack inside…and there never was.

Except for today.

He had pulled out his mail, bills mostly, and only half-glanced at them. His eyesight the way it was, he couldn't have read them anyway. He went inside, tossed the mail on the bed, took his hat and boots off and poured himself some whiskey. He walked over and turned on the little radio that was his only form of entertainment. With the faint sound of country music and static playing in the background, he walked over to look at the mail.

He reached for his glasses…the ones his daughter insisted he get a couple of summers back. Grabbing the few pieces of mail he had received, he started to look through them. Bill, trash, bill…Mr. R.J. Twist! Ennis' hand froze, his brain not understanding what his eyes were reading, his heart clenched up on him. He looked at the address seeing that it said Childress, Texas and looked again at the name. R.J. Twist. Those weren't Jack's initials but he remembered Jack had said he named his son Robert John…the John being his father's name and his own name, though he had always gone by Jack.

This was Bobby.

Ennis' hand started to shake along with the rest of his body. He was thinking that somehow Bobby had got his address and was writing to tell him that Jack had died. That could be the only reason Bobby would contact him, right?

He sat on his bed for a long while, as the sun began to set and the wind whistled underneath the trailer…unable to gather the courage to open and read whatever news the letter carried.

He sat for so long that nighttime had come and the trailer was dark. He finally reached over and turned on his one lamp.

He laid the letter down and stood up, a little shaky, to pour him some more whiskey. He stood at the sink not knowing what to think or how to handle what he thought would be the worst news he could read.

He began to think of Jack and many of the memories that he had stuffed down deep inside over the last couple of years to maintain his sanity came rushing to the surface. He gripped the counter trying to ride the tide of feelings that were threatening to overwhelm him…telling himself, "You don't know what it says…you don't."

The country music kept on playing. The wind kept on blowing.

Finally he walked back over to the bed and picked up the letter before his courage failed him completely. It was typewritten and was on letterhead paper. Opening it he read:

_Dear Mr. del Mar,_

_My name is Bobby Twist. I'm sure you know who I am. My Daddy must have spoken of me over the long time the two of you were friends. _

_I don't want to drag this out because I know this must be difficult for you but I need, first, to tell you that I am aware of what you mean to my father and I have no problem with your relationship with him. _

_I have known of you for a long time now. Often, when I was just a child, my Daddy would tell me stories of his rodeo days, of things he did when he was young. But he also spoke of his times in the mountains and of the fun that the two of you used to have. I feel like I've grown up around you._

_There are many things that I could talk to you about but right now my Daddy needs your help. _

_Ever since he came back from his last fishing trip with you, things have not been good. He and Mom got a divorce. It was very messy. He moved out to a little house north of town. He got some money from the divorce so was able to stay afloat for awhile. But as time passed, he stopped working, drank heavily, and got more and more depressed. I was still in school then and tried to help him as best as I could but it wasn't enough. My Mom of course wouldn't raise a finger. _

_Last year, he was hospitalized for a time because he had started to behave irrationally. He was hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there. We believe this was caused by the depression and the drinking. He was put on medication. The doctor told him he couldn't drink anymore and he was doing better for awhile. But recently, even with the medication, he has been doing poorly. _

_Please believe me when I say, I would have written long before now but did not have an address or know where you lived. When I got your card just the other day, I noticed that you said you had sent many over the last four years. Mr. del Mar, neither I nor my father have seen any of these cards. It is, of course, my belief that my mother simply threw them away as she received them…I guess to punish my father. If I had been able to see even one of them to get your address, I would have written much sooner._

_If you still love my father and can make it to Childress, he could surely use your help. Nothing else is working now for him and you are my last hope. He has no friends and, I firmly believe, is simply waiting for the end to come._

_I hope you will consider my request, Mr. del Mar. I feel that, more than the medication and hospitals, he needs you. I know he loves me as a father loves a son but you hold a different spot in his heart and I think this is the part that is giving up. _

_My mother died last year and I have inherited the business and property, so am well set financially. I am enclosing some money should you need help with traveling expenses. There is a map showing directions to the house once you get to Childress. I would have come up in person but there would be no one to take care of my Dad._

_Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you get here._

_With all respect,_

_Bobby Twist_

Ennis' hands were shaking so badly now that the letter and the $500 Bobby had sent simply slipped to the floor. He reached up to pull his glasses off and dropped them to the floor also. He put his hands to his face and cried for a very long time.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Ennis had slept very little that night given the news he had just received. His thinking kept going back to the fact that Jack hadn't known he had been writing to him. That the pain each was suffering was because both thought the other had moved on…Lureen's deceit.

He hadn't drank anymore knowing that he would need all his faculties when he got to Childress but the lack of sleep made his head fuzzy. He figured he'd do coffee on the way there and, if needed, stop for a nap.

His brain was trying to run in too many directions at once and it took him longer to get out of his trailer than he had wanted. He put on his best shirt and jeans, combed his hair, brushed his teeth…and found himself leaning, frozen, on the sink memories coming to him in waves.

He was still stunned by the letter and the news that Jack was alive, though not doing well. He would alternate between being ecstatic that he would be able to see Jack and desolate that Jack was in such pain. In there was mixed a fiery rage at Lureen for keeping him and Jack apart. Guess it was best that she was already dead.

Ennis drove to the ranch to ask his boss for some time, didn't get it of course, so quit his job. He took some of the money that Bobby had sent…reluctantly since he didn't like taking anything from anyone…and had some work done on the truck along with a new set of tires. There was no way, he would have made it to Childress without these repairs.

As he drove out of Riverton and came to the road that would take him to the interstate, he froze. He sat there thinking how his life was getting ready to take a radical turn. How it had been slowly in decline all these years but here this miracle had sprung up from nowhere and everything would be different. His eyes teared up and he swiped with his shirt sleeve to wipe them off. "No sense getting too far ahead of yourself, cowboy," he thought. "Just stick to the drivin', take it as it comes." He tried not to think what would happen if Jack didn't want to see him.

He pulled onto the road and headed in the direction of Childress.

ooooooooooooooooooo

The trip for Ennis was very difficult. More than once he had to pull over to the side of the road for fear he would be sick right there in his truck. He would stop to get coffee but his hands shook so bad that he couldn't drink it.

At one little hole-in-the-wall truck stop restaurant, he was sitting in the booth staring out the window. He had finally calmed his nerves enough to drink his coffee and have a little pie to eat. Unknown to him, the waitress…an older country woman, her face showing the years of hard life, the eyes showing wisdom in the ways of people…had been watching him.

After Ennis had finished his coffee and cake, she walked over with the coffee pot to refill his cup. He thanked her and looked back out the window. She sat down in the booth with him…nobody else was in the restaurant. His innate distrust of people kicked in and he started to get up and leave when she reached over and laid her hand on his.

"Calm yourself, son. It's plain that you're in pain. Don't rightly know the exact nature of it…and don't need to…but you pay attention to what I got to say to you now." She looked Ennis straight in the eye and he found he couldn't look away. "God don't give us no burden greater than we can carry. You remember that, child. In the days to come you'll need to stand up and take on yourself that burden, ya hear? You may find it ain't so heavy a burden as all that." She patted his hand and smiled at him.

Ennis could only stare and wonder that a stranger had shown another stranger such a kindness. His eyes teared up a little and he settled back into the booth. He thanked her, stared down at his coffee and sat with her in silence for a little bit…her hand still on his.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Jack had returned from his last trip with Ennis. He was still furious over the argument and the things said…on both sides. How did he let that get so out of control? So much had come out, things that had needed to be said for years. But it got dumped between them all at once…and all in anger. Both had been hurt, each had hurt the other.

The next couple of months had not gone well in the Twist household. Jack couldn't get it together. He argued with Lureen, was short with Bobby, and L.D. didn't dare come by anymore after Jack had physically thrown him out of the house. After one particularly bad blowup with Lureen, he told her he wanted a divorce…and why.

As is typical for Texas, she got virtually everything and he got enough to leave.

After the divorce, his rage dissolved and revealed the sadness and loss that had fueled it to begin with. He got a job but his heart and mind were elsewhere, so couldn't keep it. He got another one but couldn't keep that one either. He tried again…

Lureen continued to get the mail and would save his up and send it with Bobby each week. He hoped and prayed that he would receive something from Ennis but never did. And the cards he sent came back "Undeliverable". After the second or third card, he gave up.

After two years, Jack started telling Bobby about Ennis…the real story about them. Bobby had kinda figured it out already but knew his father needed to say these things. Now Bobby knew why his father was so unhappy. He tried to get him to go look for Ennis, but he'd always say no, Ennis had moved on and he didn't know where he was.

Jack started drinking heavily. Still tried to keep jobs but couldn't. Lureen didn't know that the money from the job that Bobby had was going to help buy food and such for his father.

Near the end of the third year, Bobby began to notice that his father was talking to himself a lot and looking off at things that Bobby couldn't see. He'd be walking through the house and suddenly turn and call for Ennis, like he was in the next room. It wa always devastating for his father to realize that Ennis wasn't there.

Sometimes he would jump out of his chair and back up across the room, his face white, saying that Ennis had just walked by the door. Or he'd sit by himself and lean forward as if talking quietly to someone.

Shortly after these episodes started, he was hospitalized for awhile to put him on medication for depression. Bobby had demanded this of his mother. The first time he had ever stood up to her.

For a number of months he had been doing better. He wasn't drinking near as much. He was talkative and smiled occasionally. With Bobby's help, he had cleaned his small house and occasionally would go out to eat with him.

But in the last two months, he had started getting more difficult and would refuse to take his medicine. When Bobby went out there now, he would hardly talk and it was difficult to get him to eat.

Jack didn't know that Lureen had been throwing out the cards Ennis sent all these years. Ennis had even called once but Lureen told him she didn't know where Jack was anymore. Jack didn't know that all his pain could have been avoided.

Lureen died from a cancer that was diagnosed one week and took her four weeks later. Bobby had inherited everything. He was a very rich man now. Even so his father wouldn't let Bobby help him. He tried to bring him to the main house but he refused. He said there were too many memories there. He managed to get him in a better home but that was pretty much all Jack would let him do. Bobby was at a loss.

Then he got the card from Ennis. It had said:

_Jack,_

_Hope you're well. Keep sending cards but still never hear from you. I miss you, Jack. Write me if you would._

_Ennis_

Bobby was taken completely by surprise. All he could think was, "Here's the answer."

Bobby didn't tell his father that Ennis had been writing all this time. He wanted to talk to Ennis first and didn't want to disappoint his father should Ennis not be able or not want to come up here.

He wrote him that same day.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Ennis got to Bobby's house late in the evening of the next day, an hour or so before sunset. After he pulled up, he found he couldn't get out of the truck. He sat there gripping the wheel, numb and kinda brain dead. He was so distraught over the time lost between him and Jack that he could barely see. Luckily, Bobby happened to walk by the front window and noticed a strange truck in the driveway. He came walking out.

Ennis saw Bobby approach and felt his body tighten up. If he thought he'd had the strength to get out of the truck that was now all gone.

Bobby looked so much like Jack when they had met on Brokeback that it took his breath away. He was wearing jeans, a starched shirt, a big belt buckle (maybe one of his father's) and no hat. He had that tight body, piercing gaze, black hair and smile of Jack's. Something in the way he walked was different, confidence maybe, and Ennis thought that might be some of his mom. Powerful memories surged up in Ennis' mind of Jack at that age. He couldn't take his eyes off of him. Bobby walked up to the driver's side window.

"You must be Mr. del Mar. I'm Bobby Twist." He extended his hand. Ennis could only stare. He saw a little of what must be Bobby's mom in his face but the whole rest of him was Jack. He finally realized that Bobby was standing there with his hand in the window and shook it.

"You look just like your father…well, like he looked long ago," was all he could say.

"Yes, sir, I get that a lot. And I'm right proud of it, too. Why don't you come inside, Mr. del Mar. You've had a long drive."

"Ennis."

"I'm sorry?"

"Ennis. You can call me Ennis." Bobby smiled that beautiful smile of Jack's, "Okay, Ennis," and led the way into the house.

It was a large house, manicured lawn, lots of property. Ennis had never been in a home this nice. Bobby asked him if he would like something to drink…some coffee maybe, a soda? Ennis said that coffee would be fine. Bobby asked him to have a seat.

The furniture was new and the house looked like it had been recently renovated. It still smelled of fresh paint. It was a beautiful home and seemed to just wrap itself comfortably around Bobby as he walked through it. Ennis noticed that Jack had never been this comfortable with himself when he was that young…neither of them. Bobby seemed assured and confident…again, Ennis thought that must be his mother.

"Here's your coffee….Ennis. Sorry, it's gonna take me a minute to get used to calling you by your first name. My Dad always called you that but made sure I called you Mr. del Mar. He was proper that way." Ennis smiled a little, because the Jack he knew wasn't proper no way.

"I hope your drive wasn't too difficult. I know it's a long way from here."

"No, just havin' to look at the same old countryside for mile after mile. Gets kinda dull after awhile."

"You don't know how happy I am that you were able to come to see Daddy. As I said in the letter, if I had known you'd been sending cards all these years, I would have contacted you much sooner…I could have done something sooner," then quietly, "for the both of you."

"Son, you had no way of knowin', if what you say is true, and your Momma was throwin' all them cards away." Ennis felt a moment of hatred towards her but it was not appropriate to let anything like that show given it's her son that sat in front of him.

"I understand, Ennis, but I also know you and my father both would not be in this situation if she had not acted the way she did."

"You said in your letter that you knew about…your father and me…" Ennis looked down at his coffee, not knowing how to proceed now that he had said this.

"Yes, sir. Like I said, he used to tell me stories about the two of you, about the things that you used to do and the pranks you would play on each other. His favorite was the summer on Brokeback. When I got older…long after I had heard this story many times and had come to realize what you meant to him…I would ask him to tell it to me again. His eyes would light up and he'd drift off in his mind and relive those moments. He would always end it with, "He's a good man, Bobby. A real good man. We could all learn a thing or two from him. I hope you get a chance to meet him sometime." Ennis flicked a quick glance at Bobby to see if he was serious, and seeing that he was, just hung his head, speechless at this revelation of Jack's view of him.

"My father is a kind and gentle man, Ennis." In Ennis' mind he could only agree. "He was always good to me no matter what was happening around here. Who he loves is not important to me, as long as he loves someone. I think that someone is you."

Ennis was awed by the insight and depth of this young man sitting here. "You do your Daddy proud, Bobby." Ennis told him. Now it was Bobby's turn to lower his head for a moment.

"Can we go see him?"

Looking back up, he said to Ennis, "Yes, sir, but I need to let you know that he's not the man you knew then. He has had a difficult time and it shows. I just don't want you to be surprised when you see him."

Ennis nodded, placed his coffee cup down, and picked up his hat. He stood up and he and Bobby went out to the car to go see Jack.

ooooooooooooooooooo

It was only about 30 minutes to Jack's house but for Ennis it was an eternity. His mind kept wandering into all kinds of anxious places and he found that he couldn't stuff all of it down and get it out of the way. It played out right there in front of him…what would he say, how would he act, would Jack want to see him, what do you mean he's not the man he used to be?

They pulled up in the drive and Ennis saw that the house, while neat on the outside, had an aura of disuse about it. Bobby had someone take care of the lawn and a maid come by to clean the house and cook, but his father didn't notice either one for the most part.

Ennis thought for sure that he could feel Jack from here in the car and, like Bobby said, he wasn't the same. All he could feel was desperate sadness and pain. This made it even harder for him to get out of the car.

Bobby saw this and reached over to put his hand on Ennis' shoulder. "Ennis, it's going to be okay. I'll be there if anything really bad happens. He wants to see you. I know it in my heart, Ennis. It's you that he misses." Bobby reached over and opened his door, so Ennis did the same.

They both walked up to the front door. Bobby knocked. When no one answered he walked on in. He said that his father was likely out back on the patio. They walked through the house to the sliding door. Jack was sitting in a folding chair on the patio with a blanket around his shoulders, his back to the doors. Only the patio light was on. Ennis stood there turning his hat round and round in his hands, clearly nervous.

Bobby said, "Ennis, let me go talk to him first." Ennis thought that was a great idea and stood at the opening of the sliding doors.

Bobby went over to his father and squatted down in front of his chair. "Hey, Daddy." Jack looked up. Bobby was the only one he acknowledged nowadays. "Daddy, there's someone here to see you. You have a guest."

Jack stared at him, "Don't wanna talk to no one."

"Daddy, come on inside now. I know that you'll want to talk to him, okay?" Bobby knew that his father would continue to sit there so he stood up and pulled on his hands to get him to stand.

"Damnit, Bobby, I don't wanna talk to no one." Bobby stood there with his father.

"Daddy, Ennis is here."

Jack stood frozen for a moment. Then quickly turned and locked eyes with Ennis. Ennis could see the dark circles under his eyes, his hair every which way, stubble from not shaving. He saw how his clothes hung on his once muscular frame. It was all Ennis could do to stand there and not jump at him to hold him, to never let him go. Ennis could see Jack's mind trying to catch ahold of who was standing there. He wasn't prepared for what happened next.

Suddenly, a moaning sound of utter disbelief came from Jack and he jumped back against Bobby, throwing the blanket away, and stumbling backwards over the folding chair. He landed on the patio but scrambled up and out into the yard.

Ennis had stepped out without thinking to catch Jack but stopped. Bobby ran after his father.

He caught up with Jack and stood there, Jack standing with his back to Ennis, holding his head in his hands. Ennis could hear him saying, "It's not real. It's not real. It's another one of those damn hallucinations."

Bobby was saying to him that no, it was real. Jack kept denying that. Bobby stayed calm and kept saying, "It's alright. It's alright. He's real, Daddy. He came to see you. Come on to the house." Ennis could hear Bobby use the same words and calming tone that Jack had used on him more than once.

Jack kept saying, "No, no, no…" Bobby was talking to him softly so as not to excite him anymore, to calm him down like you would a frightened horse.

Jack leaned close to Bobby and Ennis heard him say, in a soft, plaintive voice, "But he don't love me no more, Bobby. He don't want me no more. Why would he be here?"

"That's not true, Daddy. He loves you very much. He sent cards to you all these years but Momma threw them away. He tried to contact you for a long time now. He wants to see you, Daddy."

Bobby looked up at Ennis over Jack's head, pleading with him to help.

Ennis was devastated seeing the man he loved in this state. He walked out, righted the folding chair and put his hat down on the seat, the words of the waitress coming to him, "God don't give you no burden you can't carry." He stood straight and said to himself, "I'll carry us both now." He walked out to get Jack.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Jack was still standing with his back to him mumbling that "it can't be true, it can't be true". Bobby stepped away from his father.

Ennis came up to Jack and gently put his arms around him from behind like he had that one time on Brokeback. He could feel Jack trembling violently now.

Ennis said quietly in Jack's ear so as not to startle him away, "Jack, little darlin', it's me, Ennis. I've come to get ya, bud. I've come to get ya."

"It ain't him," Jack said between sobs. " It can't be him. I told him all those things and he left me and he ain't comin' back. I know that. It can't be him, he don't love me no more." Jack started crying. Ennis just kept on holding him. Now Jack had reached up and was holding Ennis' arms.

"Jack, sshh, now. It's okay, baby. It's me, Jack, for real. Ssshhh, now, come on turn around now, Jack. Come on, look at me."

Ennis quietly and gently began to turn Jack to face him. When he was turned around, Jack had his eyes closed and was mumbling, "just another lie, just another lie," like a mantra.

Ennis put both his hands on either side of Jack's face. Jack suddenly went very still and quiet, there was a hitch in his breathing.

"Jack, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me, Jack." But Jack was too scared.

"No, no, please…no." So long he had seen things and heard things that weren't true that now he didn't know what to trust.

Ennis saw he wouldn't look at him, so chose to show him another way. He leaned in and tenderly kissed Jack. Once again, Ennis was not prepared for what happened.

All Jack said was "Oh, God!" and dropped right where he stood. Ennis just barely caught him to keep him crashing to the ground. He knelt with Jack, holding him in his arms. Jack had passed out.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Bobby had Ennis put his father in his bed. He was startled at how little Jack weighed. They placed an afghan over his legs and went back into the kitchen. Bobby said he'd check in on him in a minute but wanted to talk to Ennis first.

They went back into the kitchen. Bobby didn't even ask Ennis what he wanted to drink but hauled out one of his father's whiskey bottles and a couple of glasses and sat with him at the table.

Bobby said to Ennis, "I'm sorry, Ennis. I had hoped that would go better than it did."

"Don't you apologize, Bobby. You done right by your Dad. Can't say I'd wanna know where he'd be right now without you." Ennis saw Bobby now in a whole new light and was feeling a deep respect for this son of the man he loved.

Ennis slugged back his whiskey and poured another. Bobby sipped on his.

"This must be really difficult for you, Ennis. I can't even begin to imagine." Bobby sat and looked at his drink.

Ennis felt comfortable enough now with Bobby to say, "Your father…Jack…means more to me than anyone in this world, Bobby. He always has and, till the day I die, always will. I didn't know how much longer I was gonna be able to hold out without seeing him. I don't know…." Ennis dropped his head and took a moment. "Your letter was a miracle, Bobby…for me and your dad."

Bobby sat for a moment, looking away from Ennis, his hand to his mouth…and then started crying. Ennis shifted to the chair next to Bobby and put his hand on his shoulder to reassure him. With a visible effort, Bobby began to calm some.

"I'm sorry, Ennis. It's just been so long and I thought my Daddy would never get better. I thought I'd have to put him in the ground sooner than later." He looked straight at Ennis, "I owe you everything for your help." Ennis couldn't find the words to express how he felt to this little man who was so humble and caring. Again, he found himself feeling pride and love for him as if he was his own son.

"I'm gonna go in and check on Daddy now." Ennis sat at the table holding his whiskey. Abruptly he tossed it off. Alone now, holding his glass and he thought about how much had changed in the last couple of days…and the unbelievable knowledge that Jack was alive and here close to him.

ooooooooooooooooooo

"Daddy," Jack called. There was no response. Bobby went around the bed since his father was facing away from him. When he got there he saw that his father was awake but had been crying for awhile.

Bobby sat on the bed. "Daddy, it's okay."

His father looked at him, sadness plain to see in his eyes. "It seemed so real. It was like I could feel his hands on my face." He raised his hands to his face and then his lips. "I could feel when he kissed me. But it was just a dream. It was just another dream."

Bobby slid off the bed and knelt on the floor so his face was even with his father's. He brushed the hair out of his father's face, then took his hand to hold, "No, Daddy it wasn't a dream. Ennis is here. He's sitting in the kitchen. He and I have been talking. He didn't know you weren't getting the cards he was sending. He's tried these four years to contact you. He thought that you didn't want to see him, that's why you wouldn't return his cards."

Jack just looked at Bobby, tears running down his face, afraid to feel the hope that was building inside him. "Bobby, please…"

"It's no dream, Daddy. Ennis is here." Bobby could see the fear in his father's eyes so decided he needed to get this moving so Jack wouldn't have time to think too much.

"Remember I told you that you had a guest. Well, you need to get up and greet your guest right and proper, okay? I want you to get up and take a shower, shave and comb your hair. I'll get out some clothes for you and then you can come in and say hello, okay? Don't wanna be saying hello looking like some kinda homeless person."

Jack allowed a faint smile at that and sat up on the edge of the bed. He put his hand on the side of Bobby's face and then pulled him in to hug him. A single tear rolled down Bobby's cheek as he saw that the father he knew and loved was coming back.

"He's really here?"

"Yeah, Daddy, he's here. Come on, let's get you ready." Jack got up and Bobby helped him get things arranged in the bathroom. He pulled out some clothes for his father and then went back out with Ennis.

Bobby and Ennis went to the living room and Bobby told him his father was getting ready. They were silent for a while, each content to drink their whiskey and think their thoughts. Bobby got up and turned the radio on low, country music in the background. Some sound to break the silence.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Jack just stood with his head under the shower, the pain of all these years weighing heavy on his mind. Bobby had said Ennis had sent cards saying he wanted to see him. But he had seen no cards since the last time they had gotten together. He had thought Ennis didn't love him no more. But now Bobby's saying that's not true. Everything was so confusing. For so long his mind had been tortured and twisted that it was hard for him to grab ahold of this one concept…Ennis was here and wanted to see him.

"Gotta clear my head. Gotta think. Ennis is here…."

He got out of the shower. Bobby had laid out all his shaving supplies and his toothbrush and toothpaste. He stood for a moment looking at himself in the mirror. His skin was sallow, dark circles under his eyes, his cheeks sunken. He thought briefly that he was no longer the handsome man he used to be. How could he walk in to see Ennis looking like this? But he pushed ahead and shaved…no moustache now, not for a long time. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair.

He went into his room where Bobby had laid out his clothes. He had a nice pressed shirt…he had lots of clothes actually but never chose to wear them…and some jeans. The belt he held for a moment and then, rummaging through the closet, came up with a belt with one of his rodeo buckles on it. He put on his socks and boots and stood there for awhile, hesitant, afraid he wouldn't know what to say or what to do.

He stepped forward then stopped. He ran his hand through his hair. Took a deep breath and…sat back down on the bed. He was too confused.

Jack had just spent the last four years knowing that Ennis no longer loved him or wanted to see him ever again. The intensity of the pain this caused Jack resulted in his near total breakdown. He had been in pain for so long that he didn't know any other way to be. He had thought Ennis gone for so long now that he couldn't wrap his brain around the fact that he was here. And he WAS here.

He kept wanting to get up but couldn't. It was as if he still felt he was dreaming. That if he went in there, Ennis would be gone…never there to start with. It would be too much for him to stand. He couldn't face that.

So he just sat where he was.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Ennis had been talking to Bobby with only half his mind, occasionally stealing glances at the door to the hall. He had been trying as hard as he could to not fall apart. The stress had been building since he got the letter and pretty much had reached its peak when Jack had fainted. He was trying to hold on the best he could now, but he could feel the strain start to beat at what little control he had left.

Without thinking he said, "What will I say to him? How can I tell him I never stopped loving him?"

"Ennis, I've never been in love and a love like the two of you have is beyond my comprehension…so I don't feel I can give any advice. But I would say, please, just be honest. Just be yourself. Let your heart lead what you have to say."

Ennis heard what Bobby said and it wasn't wasted on him. If Ennis had learned anything over the last four years it was that he had been an ass all those years pushing Jack away. How many times since their big argument had he swore to himself that if should see Jack again, he'd never let him go. No matter the price he would have to pay. He was nobody without Jack. He had seen that clearly…and painfully.

"Where could he be?" Ennis said while swirling the whiskey in his glass.

He looked over at Bobby, then stood and walked to Jack's room.

ooooooooooooooooooo

He slowed as he got to the door trying to calm his breathing, calm his body which wanted to run in and grab Jack and hold him forever so he would never hurt again. He finally stepped to the door.

Jack was sitting on the far side of the bed with his back to the door. Ennis saw he had cleaned up, combed his hair, and had clean clothes on. Still Ennis winced at how pained and desolate he looked. He tried to keep the tears from falling and was only partially successful.

He stepped into the room…took a deep breath.

"Jack," his voice cracking at the end. He saw Jack cringe like someone was going to him him. He had his head in his hands.

Ennis tried to speak, found his throat had closed. He would open his mouth but nothing would come out.

Suddenly the words of the waitress at the diner came to him strong and clear, "In the days to come you'll need to stand up and take on yourself that burden, ya hear? You may find it ain't so heavy a burden as all that." Despite his own intense pain and longing for Jack, he saw that, of the two, he was the only one with the strength right now…right at this moment…to carry them both out of this. He had to.

"Jack." Ennis walked the few steps over to him and knelt in front of him. Jack was still looking at the floor, trembling slightly. Ennis laid his hands lightly over the two that Jack had clenched between his knees. He felt the warmth and wetness of a tear drop to the back of one of his hands.

"Jack, we can talk about the why's and wherefore's later of how this happened to you and me but right now I got something to say to you." Ennis ducked his head to try to catch Jack's eye but Jack had closed them.

"Jack, look at me." Ennis spoke gently but Jack couldn't look up. To see Ennis here was just too painful. But Ennis didn't have any patience now or sympathy. He needed Jack to hear what he had to say.

"Jack Fuckin' Twist, look at me!" Ennis' voice demanded attention and Jack's eyes popped open. He stared at Ennis in surprise.

Ennis quickly grabbed Jack on both sides of his face, "Jack, I got some things I need to say right now, so you best listen." Ennis swallowed hard trying to clear the tightness in his throat. His eyes began to tear up. "I love you, Jack, more than anyone I've ever known, more than my own life. I had a lotta time to think that I would never see you again and what I woulda done different if I could have." Ennis stopped to gather his courage. "I wouldn't ever have left you, Jack. I wouldn't ever have pushed you away. Never left you alone. Never left your side. That's what I would have done different for you, Jack."

Jack closed his eyes and started sobbing. This was more than Ennis could stand. He let loose Jack's face and reached around to pull him to his chest, to hold him and let him know that he wasn't alone no more.

Ennis spoke softly in Jack's ear, just for him and no one else to hear, "Little darlin'." Jack reached his arms around Ennis holding on like he was drowning and Ennis the life preserver. "My little rodeo cowboy, you're the only one…there ain't never been another and there won't never be another. I'm here now, Jack, and you ain't got to worry no more."

Jack slid his arms from Ennis' waist and reached up to grab his coat lapels. He raised his head and looked right in Ennis' eyes. Between sobs, he said, "I nearly died, Ennis, not being by your side, not knowin' if you still loved me or not." Jack sounded like a little boy pleading to not be hurt again.

He whispered, "I never stopped loving you, Ennis, but it was just too hard all alone like this…I wasn't strong enough." Jack closed his eyes for a moment and ran his right hand up to the back of Ennis' neck. " Promise me you won't leave me, okay, Ennis? Please?"

Ennis could barely breathe hearing the pain and desolation in Jack's voice and for a moment had to close his eyes for fear he would, himself, fall apart and be of no use to Jack. Finally he was able to say, "I ain't goin' nowhere, rodeo. You won't never be alone again, I promise."

Jack folded into Ennis' arms. Ennis knelt there with Jack rocking him quietly, humming to him like he had so long ago, Jack still crying but more now from happiness than from the despair of the last four years.

Ennis was feeling a new strength since accepting his burden. He knew that times might get tough, but the chance to care for and love Jack didn't seem like much of a burden to him…couldn't be now that he had him back.

They stayed there holding each other for a long time.

ooooooooooooooooooo

When Bobby saw them walk in together…his Daddy standing close to Ennis, Ennis with his hand on the back of Jack's neck…his eyes teared up and he put his head down for a moment, knowing that his Daddy had been saved. He got up slowly and walked over to the two of them. He hugged his father tightly, his father returning the gesture.

Bobby turned to Ennis and looked him straight in the face. Ennis, embarrassed by the love he saw for him in Bobby's gaze, dropped his eyes. Bobby reached up to hug Ennis and whispered in his ear only for Ennis to hear, "You brought my Daddy back. I will never be able to thank you enough."

Bobby released Ennis and stepped back wiping the tears from his eyes.

"How about I make some coffee and we can sit and get caught up, huh?"

End


	21. To Shoulder a Burden II

To Shoulder a Burden II

Jack, Ennis and Bobby had talked till near midnight, when both Bobby and Ennis saw that Jack couldn't stay awake any longer. He had been leaning on Ennis' shoulder for awhile and now couldn't keep his eyes open.

"Ennis, I suspect you'll be staying here for awhile now?" Bobby asked quietly.

"Uh…well…I don't, um, want to impose." Typical Ennis response, said almost without thinking.

"I don't know if you got anyone over in Riverton, but I would hope that you would consider Childress your home for awhile until you and Daddy can straighten things out."

Ennis shrugged his shoulders, looking down at his empty coffee cup. "My daughters are there but we don't talk no more. Their Momma saw fit to turn 'em against me." Ennis had grieved for his girls for a long time but realized that there was nothing he was going to be able to do. He would always love them, but might never see them again.

"Do you need to go back for anything, any possessions…?"

"There ain't nothin' left for me there. I don't have my horses no more and that trailer…Well, there ain't nothing in that trailer that means anything to me…just things." There were a couple of items that he would have liked to retrieve but he wasn't going to take any chance at leaving Jack now that he had him back.

"Then I would hope that you would accept the Twist family hospitality and stay here in Childress for a spell. I know my Daddy would appreciate it and…..well, I'd like to get to know you better, myself." That last part Bobby said looking at the table.

"Thank you, Bobby," was all Ennis could say.

"I got to go but I'll come back tomorrow and we can talk some more. Did you bring clothes and things with you?"

"Well, I got a shirt and some shaving stuff…"

"If you would let me, I can go out tomorrow and get you some things…" Ennis started to say that it wasn't necessary for him to do that when Bobby waved him off. "Sorry, won't take no for an answer. But we can discuss all that later. Why don't you two get some sleep now, okay? I'll come by tomorrow afternoon. I have some meetings in the morning."

Bobby stood up. Ennis didn't move because Jack was still leaning on his shoulder, but he reached out to shake Bobby's hand. When Bobby went to release Ennis' hand, Ennis held on for a moment and turned to look Bobby in the eye. "Thank you, Bobby…I mean, for all this...for everything." Bobby looked back at Ennis for another moment, still holding onto Ennis' hand, then nodded. They released the handshake, Bobby standing for a moment longer, then with one last look at Ennis and his father, he turned and left.

ooooooooooooooooo

Ennis sat there with Jack for a few minutes, running over what had happened to him in the last two days, still not able to comprehend that his life had gone from grey desolation and waiting to die to finding Jack again. It was all so much to take in.

He looked at Jack sleeping calmly on his shoulder, remembering times past when he had done just this same thing near the fire on Brokeback…and how he had treasured those moments, knowing that someone in the world wanted to be that close to him. Ennis reached up and brushed the hair from his forehead, thanking Whomever might be out there that arranged miracles like this. He kissed Jack softly on the top of his head and sat for a little while longer.

He knew that this tiny, little moment of peace could not last because Jack had to get to bed…and so did he given his lack of sleep over the past 48 hours and all that had happened.

"Jack," he called softly, while touching the side of his face. Jack's eyes popped open, he sat up and looked around.

"Bobby. Where's Bobby?"

"He went home, Jack. He's gotta be up for some meetin's in the morning." Jack was looking around, clearly confused for a moment. "Yeah. Sure."

Ennis stood up. He had already been holding Jack's hand so walked with him towards the bedroom. Jack was rubbing his eyes like a child might, "I musta dozed off. I'm sorry. Bobby's coming back tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow afternoon." Ennis was taking it slow, Jack walking close by him.

"You got a fine son there, Jack. You brought him up good." Jack stopped and looked up at Ennis for a moment. "Without you around, Ennis, he was all I had to keep me goin'. I'm afraid I ain't been such a good dad to him the last few years." Jack looked down at his boots.

"I don't think he minds so much, Jack. He just wants his daddy to be happy, ya know?" Jack nodded, thinking that he had not thanked his son for all he had done for him, instead giving him grief and depending on him at such a young age. He put down in his mind that this was something he would have to do the next time he saw him.

They had gotten to the bedroom, Ennis released Jack's hand. "Jack, you gotta get to bed now, okay? You're draggin' here. Too much been happenin'." Ennis took a couple steps backwards and stood at the door.

"Ennis?"

"I….uh…thought I'd sleep…ya know, on the couch, so you could get your rest." Ennis turned a little pointing toward the living room. "I'll be fine out there, um, damn couch's bigger than my bed back home." He looked down again, scuffing his foot on the carpet, kinda picking at nothing on the door frame.

Jack looked at Ennis like he was an alien come down from outer space.

Jack's mouth worked but nothing came out. He'd look at the bed then at Ennis and back to the bed.

Finally, he got out, "What are you talking about? You want to sleep on the couch?"

Ennis looked like a scolded child, his chin nearly in his chest at this point. "Ennis, what's the matter?" Jack saw a tear drop to the floor.

Ennis looked around, looked left, looked back at his feet, anywhere but at this man that was literally his entire life.

Jack walked slowly up to Ennis and touched him, very gently, on the side of the face with his fingertips. Ennis' breath hitched once. "Ennis, what's wrong?"

Tears started down Ennis' face. "I…um…I…uh, Jack, I…don't know what to do, Jack. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now…ya know, you been sick all them years and…uh…we been apart so long now. I wanna help but I don't know nothin' about what's going on with you. I don't wanna push…I don't wanna hurt you no more…" Ennis' face showed his complete confusion now. He really didn't know where he belonged or what he was supposed to do. It was all too sudden for Ennis to absorb.

Ennis reached for Jack, like he was brushing something off his shirt and said again, "I don't know what to do, Jack. Tell me what I'm supposed to do, okay?" He had started to cry.

The strain of the past years had finally come to the surface for Ennis. He had been the strong one coming into this but it was his turn to fall apart for awhile. Jack had been sick all these years…but so had Ennis, just in a different way, and he wasn't able to hold his pain back anymore.

Jack had gone to reach for Ennis when Ennis slowly went to his knees. Jack followed him on down pulling Ennis to him as he fell. Ennis was crying openly now, apologizing, Jack just kept telling Ennis that everything was alright, everything was fine, it's okay. Jack held Ennis until he had stopped crying and shaking. He pulled back a little and placed his hands on either side of Ennis' face, lifting it so he could look in Ennis' eyes.

"What to do? You are one ignorant cowboy, ya know that? There ain't nothing you need to do but be here. There ain't nothin' more than that."

Jack was looking Ennis straight in the eye. Those blue…unbelievably blue…eyes were staring right through him. How long had it been since he had been drawn in by those eyes?

Ennis reached up placing his hand on Jack's neck. He pulled him a little closer.

"I missed you so much all this time…I thought you were…and now…" Ennis said. Jack's eyes were tearing up. Ennis' tears were flowing.

Without warning, Jack kissed Ennis, if not with the power of their youth, certainly with the passion. Ennis was caught off-guard but took over and he grabbed Jack pulling him toward his chest. Each was trying to capture some of the past and draw it close around them so the four years of pain and suffering could be forgotten.

They parted for a moment, their foreheads together, each breathing heavy, forgotten feelings and sensations moving inside them like the old days.

"Jack." He looked up at Ennis. "Jack, I promised I wouldn't never leave you again. Promise you won't leave me. Promise that I won't never have to go through…all that…again. I can't, I won't…" Jack quieted him with his lips.

"There ain't gonna be a time, Ennis, never a time, when I won't be here with you. You ain't got to worry no more."

Ennis closed his eyes and rested his head on Jack's shoulder.

After a few moments, Jack said, "C'mon, bud. Time for bed."

They both stood now, somewhat awkward after all that they had said. They exchanged glances. Jack was the first to step forward reaching to help Ennis off with this coat.

They helped each other get out of their clothes, not in the rambunctious, wrestling style of Brokeback, but now in a more mature and gentle manner.

When they were finished, they looked at each other, both seeing the tracks of time in the other's body. Both embarrassed to show what the loss of the other had done to them.

Jack walked around to his side of the bed and got in. Ennis the same.

They came together quietly, gently. The love they made that night was more intimate than any they had experienced. Both had come through trying times and now each knew how precious the other had become…how rare was a love like theirs. There was no need to hurry or hide now. There were no more fences or barriers to have to fight through to get to the other.

They spent that night reacquainting themselves with each other, laying the first brick in the foundation of the rest of their new lives.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Ennis woke up as the sun had just started to peek above the horizon. It was that special time of day between night and day…a twilight that was some of each. He lay there thinking that he hadn't slept so calmly in many years.

He saw that Jack was still asleep and had by habit fit himself to Ennis…his back to Ennis' front, Ennis with his arm laid over Jack's waist. He smiled to himself thinking how automatic this seemed to be for them.

He lay there for awhile just listening to Jack breathe, feeling his body making those little jerks and movements that bodies do when asleep. Quietly pressing his face into Jack's hair, recognizing that, after all this time, his scent was only slightly changed. He noticed too that Jack had lost a lot of weight. He took it upon himself to make sure he fattened him up some.

He very quietly got up…Jack still asleep. He did his bathroom duties, then put on his pants. His shirt he rolled up and placed between Jack's arm and chest, so when Jack woke, he'd know that Ennis was still here. He walked quietly out of the room and went to the kitchen to make some coffee and wake up a bit.

He was on his second cup of coffee standing at the patio door looking outside at the sun coming up on this brand new and wonderful day. He kept telling himself this wasn't a dream, that it was real, he was here with Jack. That he didn't have to hurt anymore. It was too big for him grasp right now, but he figured in time he'd understand it fully.

He heard movement behind him and glanced back without turning around. He saw that Jack was coming into the kitchen, his shirt in hand. He walked up to Ennis without saying a word, picked up Ennis' arm and placed it over his shoulder, snuggling up close to Ennis.

They stood there a moment, then Jack reached over and took Ennis' cup of coffee, drank a sip, made a face, "Shit's cold, Ennis. How can you drink that?" Ennis smiled because a little peek of the old Jack had just shown through. "Wasn't cold when I got it." Jack nudged him, "Gonna go get me some." He had started to turn, when he hesitated. He handed Ennis his shirt, "Thank you, Ennis. I did wonder for a minute if all this was another dream."

Ennis watched Jack walk over to the counter and pour himself some coffee. He watched him as he walked noticing that he seemed to walk a little straighter than he had seen him last night. He was pleased to think that Jack was feeling better.

Ennis walked over and started breakfast.


	22. To Shoulder a Burden III

To Shoulder a Burden III

Ennis had been prepared for some readjustment in his and Jack's relationship. After all, they hadn't seen each other in four years, both had thought the other no longer wanted contact, and each had changed because of the time apart.

What Ennis hadn't counted on was the whining.

Jack had spent so much time alone, so much time in his head missing Ennis, that he had lost a lot of the spunk that made him Jack in the old days.

He had also not been taking his medication. Bobby had gotten into it with him more than once over this but Jack was obstinate and didn't want to listen to him. This was the first time that Ennis had seen Bobby mad. Wouldn't be the last.

Bobby had tried to take Ennis and Jack to get Ennis some new clothes – the one pair of jeans and one shirt he had were clearly not enough. Jack went along but quickly started demanding they go home. Bobby had to have one of the sales ladies pick out some things on her own for Ennis so he could come back later to get them.

They had tried going out to eat. Jack wouldn't let them finish a meal.

If they met people Jack or Bobby knew, his conversations were quick and bordering on the rude.

All Jack wanted was to have Ennis hold him and stay near him and retreat from the world…to live in this idyllic little environment of the house with Ennis. Nothing would intrude on that, nothing to disturb it…and wholly unrealistic.

Ennis had put up with this for about two weeks. By then he was ready to chew nails. Ennis was not a sit-at-home type and had to be doing something. Two weeks was an unacceptable amount of time for him not to be out working.

He had done a few things around the house that needed repairing but it wasn't enough. He had tried to get Jack engaged in doing things but he would say, "No, I'm gonna go take a nap. Will ya come lay down with me?"

Then one day, Jack made a series of seriously wrong and majorly flawed decisions.

He and Ennis had been taking a nap in the bedroom. Both had woke up and were just lying there enjoying the presence of the other. Ennis had been wanting to broach the subject of going to work with Jack, but felt he needed to be gentle because of Jack's condition.

"Jack."

"Yeah, Ennis." Jack said, his eyes closed.

"I been thinking that I ain't used to all this free time like this. I'm thinking I need to get me a job. Go find a ranch around here and do some work. Makes me antsy not to do something. Besides, I don't like living off Bobby like this. It ain't right."

Jack rolled over to face Ennis. "Ennis, I don't want ya to leave," Jack said softly.

"Jack, it's just a job. I'll be coming home each day." Ennis responded.

"I'd rather ya stay here. It aint' been but a couple a weeks ya been back…"

"C'mon, Jack. Why don't ya come with me. Do ya good to get out in the sun and work up a sweat. Whattya say?"

Jack rolled over. "No. I don't wanna go out."

Ennis got up. He had been trying to take it easy with Jack since he got here. Ennis didn't really understand the medical conditions or terminology that was used for what Jack was going through. All he knew was that work, hard work, was a good thing, and it cured most problems.

"Jack, it ain't right ya stayin' in here all the time like this. It ain't good for ya."

Jack got up and walked over to Ennis. His first mistake was to get between the door and Ennis.

"Ennis, come on. We ain't got to work right now. We got us a place to stay, it's just you and me here. Let's take advantage of that and…"

"Jack," Ennis cut him off, "I can't live like this. Ya know that. Ya know that I gotta work. Stuck in here like this is making me crazy. And I ain't doing my part of paying for things around here. Just ain't right."

Jack stepped back, "So, ya don't want to be here with me?"

"Jack, that's not what I said. I just can't stay in this house all the time like ya want to."

"Ennis, ya promised not to leave me and already that's what ya want to do. Ya promised me."

"Jack, come on. That's not what I said. All I said, was I needed to get a job. Ya making this too much of a big deal."

"Fuck you, Ennis," and he poked Ennis in the chest…Jack's second big mistake. Ennis' eyes narrowed, his mouth turning to a thin slit.

"I waited all those years never thinking I'd see ya again and now ya wanna take off. Well, go ahead. It ain't like ya never left me alone before."

"Jack, ya need to be careful now. That's in the past. I came when I knew ya still wanted me around. I'm here now."

Jack hadn't heard him and here came his third and final mistake.

"Ya don't know what it was like to hurt all those years not knowing if ya was alive or dead, loved me or not. All I could think about was you…all the time, you…" Jack heard a grunt come from the direction of Ennis and looked up.

The blood went from his face because all he saw was the fire in Ennis' eyes, the veins on the side of his neck sticking out, his hands clenched, virtually no trace of his mouth and lips.

"Ennis…?"

Jack quickly reviewed what he had said and quickly realized his very bad mistake.

"Ennis, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I didn't mean that ya…"

"Jack…" Amazing how Ennis could say that and not move his lips.

"Ennis, I'm sorry…"

"Jack, ya…" was all he could say. Ennis took a step toward Jack. Jack backed up. Jack thought that if ever Ennis was going to kill him, now was the time.

Ennis was so angry, he couldn't speak anymore. He started to kinda step side to side no longer looking at Jack. Jack couldn't figure out what he was doing. Ennis looked like a trapped animal.

Suddenly, Ennis stepped right up to Jack, nose to nose, Ennis looking him straight in the eye. "Ya got no right to say that to me," was all Ennis could say. Jack had begun to realize the enormity of his mistake.

Jack realized he was standing between Ennis and the door. He quickly moved aside.

Ennis walked slowly out of the room, grabbed his hat and left slamming the door on the way out. He didn't come back until the next morning…he had been drinking most of the night…and then crashed on the couch. Jack didn't dare do more than put a blanket over him.

Jack felt he had some reflecting to do.


	23. To Shoulder a Burden IV

Ennis woke up in the afternoon. Sorry once again that he had to resort to drinking to drown out his problems or forget about his rage.

Jack was sitting at the dining room table drinking some coffee when Ennis woke. Ennis didn't see him until Jack got up to pour some coffee in another cup. Jack walked over to Ennis wit the coffee, hoping that Ennis would let him say how sorry he was.

Ennis looked up at Jack as he offered him the coffee. Jack saw there was not much in his eyes in the way of forgiveness or compassion. Ennis took the coffee.

"Ennis, can I…"

"Thank you for the coffee, Jack, but I can't talk to you right now."

"Ennis, please let me say I'm sorry.

"Jack…"

Jack stepped back. "Alright, Ennis. I'll leave ya alone." Jack couldn't have felt worse at that moment, knowing that his insensitive words and lack of thought for someone other than himself had gotten him…and Ennis…into this situation. He had no idea where this was going to go or how to stop it from going there.

Ennis sat there for a little while, drinking his coffee. When he was done, he got up, went in and took a shower, dressed and left. No word to Jack. Jack didn't feel like he could ask where he was going.

Ennis drove for a long while, not really knowing where he was going since he was new to Childress. He kept going over in his head what Jack had said to him, _"Ya don't know what it was like to hurt all those years not knowing if ya was alive or dead, loved me or not. All I could think about was you…all the time, you…"_ Jack had said this as if Ennis hadn't been in excruciating pain the entire four years they had been apart. He had said it like he had not thought of Jack all the time, every day. Jack had said it like he was the only one who had feelings that could have been hurt.

Ennis had come as close as ever to really hurting Jack at that moment.

But then it suddenly occurred to him that the old Jack would never have said anything like that to Ennis before. The old Jack was not a selfish man…he had done what Ennis had wanted all those years, meeting a couple times a year far off in the woods. He had given of himself to Ennis all that time. He was the unselfish one, Ennis had been the one that wanted things the way there were…demanded that things stay the way they were. He had been the selfish one.

If Jack had not been selfish then but was now, what was the problem? All Ennis could think was that Jack had been alone too long, too much by himself. He hadn't gotten out of the house or met people or thought about much more than his own pain.

If he were the old Jack, he wouldn't be acting like this. If he were the old Jack…So what to do? He got real calm as a solution came to him.

Ennis drove to the Newsome Tractor company where he hoped Bobby would be at this time of day. As it turned out, Bobby was talking to some of the salesmen out near the parking lot so Ennis didn't have long to wait.

Bobby looked up as Ennis' truck pulled up. Couldn't miss it. Looked like it had been patched together with bailing wire and chewing gum on many more than one occasion.

Bobby spoke to the salesmen for a minute longer then excused himself and walked over to Ennis. Ennis didn't get out of the truck.

"Hey, Ennis, what are you doin' around these parts?"

"I gotta talk to ya, Bobby, if you got some free time. I'm sorry, don't mean to interrupt or nothin'."

"Don't worry, Ennis. Just talking about tractors…not much else to talk about 'round here. Come on in."

Ennis followed Bobby into his office and stood there holding his hat in his hands. "Can I get you anything, coffee, soda…?"

"Nothin' right now, Bobby, thank ya."

"You gonna stand there all day or can I get you to sit down where it's more comfortable?" Jack smiled showing he was only joking. Ennis nodded and sat, once again amazed to hear some of Jack playfulness in Bobby's voice. Bobby saw though that Ennis was wound up tight and would probably not start talking unless he was prompted.

"Everything okay? Daddy alright?

"Well, that's kinda why I'm here, Bobby. I need to see about getting a job for your daddy and me."

"Daddy's gonna work?" Bobby said with some amazement.

"Well, he don't rightly know that yet, but I think it's about time for him to get outta that house. It ain't doin' him no good to just sit around all day like that."

"Well, damn, Ennis, if you can do that I'd be most appreciative. He's done sat there for longer than is good for one man's pride. What kind of work are you looking for?"

"Ranch work of some kind. It's all I know but it's good work. It's hard and it'll make him sweat and I think that's what your Daddy needs right about now. I know I'm going squirrely sitting there all the time doing nothing." Lots of words for Ennis here. "I thought since ya was such an important man in the community now," and Ennis gave Bobby a nod and a smile, "you might know somebody needs some help."

Bobby smiled at Ennis' little compliment. "Well, Ennis, I do know a couple people around here. Let me make some calls. We got all kinds of ranches around here, and all kinds of people come in here to buy ranch equipment. How're you going to get Daddy outta the house?"

Ennis got serious, "Well, I have my ways. He ain't gonna like what I'm gonna do, but down the road there, he'll know it was for the best. You let me handle him, okay? If he comes to you to get outta this or to complain some more, you tell him you can't help him right then."

Bobby looked at Ennis. He liked him and respected him. He knew he would never do anything to hurt his Daddy.

"No problem, Ennis."

"And I need to know about this medicine he's takin'. I know he ain't takin' it like he's supposed to. And does he need to be seeing some doctor or someone? I ain't heard that he's been anywhere."

"I can give you the instructions for the medicine. He missed his last appointment with the doctor. The next one's in about three weeks."

"Thanks, Bobby. You let me know when he has to be to that doctor and I'll make sure he gets there, okay?" Ennis stood.

Bobby stood also and reached for Ennis' hand. They shook hands and smiled.

"I know that you got my Daddy's well-being in mind, Ennis. You do whatever you have to do. I mean, you've known him a lot longer than I have."

Ennis smiled at that remembering Jack before he was a father. "I'll take good care of him, Bobby."

Bobby thanked Ennis, telling him he'd make some calls and to come on by in the morning and he'd take him to breakfast. Ennis agreed, thanked him again and left.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Bobby made an arrangement better than Ennis could have hoped for. They were to go to a ranch not far from town. The owner, Gil Barclay, was a good customer of the business and a personal friend of the family. He was known as a standup kinda guy with a reputation for honesty and fairness.

Bobby told him some of what was going on…not that Ennis and his dad were lovers…but enough that he knew this was a special favor asked for. Ennis would get the work he wanted and Jack would start slow so as not to push him too far. Ennis' work would keep him close enough to Jack, though not too close to seem to be hovering, so he could watch him if he needed help.

At breakfast, Bobby gave Ennis the address so he could go out to talk to him about the jobs and told him that Gil was expecting him. Ennis thanked Bobby again and headed out to the ranch.

oooooooooooooooo

Ennis stayed away from the house until late that night. Jack had been waiting up. When Ennis walked in the door, Jack jumped up, "Ennis, where ya been? I ain't heard nothin' from ya all day." Jack paused for a moment and said quietly, "I thought you might have left."

Ennis didn't answer but went on in to the kitchen. Jack said, "Ennis, have ya eatin'? I made some supper but when ya didn't come home, I put it in the icebox. I can heat some up if ya like? Here lemme do that." Jack bounced around the kitchen getting some dinner ready for Ennis. He had Ennis sit and brought him out some meatloaf and vegetables. Jack sat at the table drinking his coffee watching Ennis. He never felt there was a good time to say anything so stayed quiet.

Ennis finished and put his plate in the sink. He turned to Jack and said very simply, "You need to be up and ready to leave at six. We got work to do."

Jack just blinked at him. This wasn't quite what he had expected to hear. "Whattya mean work?"

"You got a job to go to now, Jack. Be up and ready to go." Ennis turned on his heel. Went into the bathroom, changed and came out with a blanket and pillow. He stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes.

"Ennis, whattya mean I got a job? What kinda job? I ain't goin' to no job until you turn around here and talk to me. And what's this with you sleeping on the couch? Why aren't you comin' to bed?"

Ennis just said, "Six o'clock, Jack."

Jack mumbled some more and stormed around some more and when he finally realized that Ennis wasn't going to respond to any of it, he went on to his bed. Ennis could hear him talking to himself in the room.

Six o'clock came. Ennis was finishing his coffee. From the kitchen, he called to Jack, "Jack, you up and ready?"

"I ain't getting' up."

"Jack, it's six o'clock."

"I said, I ain't fuckin' getting' up."

Ennis walked into the room and turned the light on. "Are you gonna get up?"

"Fuck you. You go out and get me a job, don't even ask me, and I don't even want a job. Who the hell do you think you are to…" That was all Jack got out before Ennis grabbed him by the ankle through the blanket and sheets and pulled him straight off the bed to the floor. Jack jumped up sputtering and shaking.

"Jack, either you get ready in the next 10 minutes or I swear I will knock you out, dress you and wake you up at the job site."

Jack looked at Ennis like he was insane or something. But the expression on Ennis' face was clear and Jack knew he'd do just exactly as he had said.

Jack spun and went to the bathroom. Ennis went into the kitchen to wait.

When Jack got to the kitchen, Ennis handed him his medication. Jack right off said, "I ain't takin' that. I don't like how it makes me feel."

"Do you know how I give a dog a pill, Jack?" This was said with absolute seriousness. He took his medicine. He didn't forget after that.

ooooooooooooo

Jack refused to speak to Ennis while they drove to the ranch, which was kind of a moot point since Ennis wasn't talking to him either. As they drove up, Jack turned to Ennis. "Ennis, I know whose ranch this is. I know Gil. I can't work here. I mean, I used to sell him tractors, now I'm workin' on his ranch?" Ennis felt sorry for Jack but didn't answer him. When Jack saw Ennis wasn't going to stop, he just started mumbling.

Ennis checked in with the foreman and they were assigned the day's work. Ennis got to work with the horses and Jack was set to cleaning harnesses, saddles, and the like in the stables. Not hard work but work nonetheless. Ennis was able to keep a watch on Jack throughout the day. Ennis could hear Jack grumbling every now throwing his name in amongst a bunch of expletives.

At the end of the day, they walked on over to the truck, Ennis feeling better now that he'd had a chance to get out in the fresh air but Jack was still smoldering over the way he was being treated. Jack was tired though not exhausted and was more angry with Ennis than the work he had to do. This was not hard work for him. He liked the stables, the horses and the work needed to keep them clean and in order. He wasn't going to let Ennis know that he had deep inside kind of, maybe, almost enjoyed himself.

Once home, Jack went straight to the shower. Ennis went in and started a simple supper. When Jack came out of the bedroom, Ennis had set the plates and was serving the food. Jack came around the corner and stopped for a second because this was unexpected. That morning he had threatened to knock Jack out and now he was fixing supper.

Jack sat down. Ennis sat down. No one spoke.

As Ennis got up to put his plate in the sink. Jack asked him, "Ennis, why are you doing this? Is it because of what I said the other night? I'm real sorry about that, Ennis. I didn't mean it the way it came out."

Ennis simply turned and said, "Six o'clock." He went in and showered, came out and laid on the couch. Jack saw the hopeless battle he was trying to wage so gave up and went to bed.

Ennis couldn't go to sleep and could hear Jack crying alone in his bed. He was not immune and shed a few of his own tears.

In the morning, Jack was up and ready at six o'clock.

This went on for a week…two weeks. Ennis wouldn't speak to Jack unless it was necessary for the work they were doing. He slept on the couch all that time.

Jack might have thought that Ennis was getting even for what he had said to him that night but Jack would have been wrong. Ennis was having a really difficult time with this whole thing. He loved Jack and it pained him greatly to have to treat him like this. He wanted nothing more than to reach out to Jack and pull him close, hold him, touch him, love him. He didn't like the silence, the distance…he most of all missed the intimacy, the skin-to-skin contact, the feel of Jack in his arms. But he knew that right now that wouldn't help Jack.

Ennis knew now that it was Jack's seclusion for those years that had changed his character. He knew that if Jack got out into the sun and wind, worked under the sky and the open spaces, rode the horses, he'd remember who he had been those years past. He knew this would change him and bring back the old Jack. At least this is what he hoped. Ennis was no great thinker. All he knew was that Jack used to be a certain way and now he wasn't. He was trying to put him back the way he was by putting him in the same places he used to be.

The work Jack was doing now was more strenuous and had him outside in the sun and wind and rain. Ennis would catch sight of him sometimes and notice how he had been putting on weight and muscle. Ennis had been cooking heftier dinners.

Once Jack was clearing some brush and had taken his shirt off. Ennis was watching him from behind a fence…Jack's back reddened by the sun, sweat glistening on his body, the muscles sliding under the skin as he swung the axe he used. Ennis tore his eyes from Jack, looking around to see if anyone had seen him staring at Jack. He had this uncontrollable urge run over to Jack, drag him down in the grass and take him right there. It took every bit of his self-control to back away…very far away.

Ennis woke up on the couch one morning to the smell of bacon and eggs. He turned around and Jack was making breakfast. Ennis closed his eyes for a moment hoping this was some kind of progress. He got up, did his bathroom thing and sat at the table. He and Jack ate in silence, Jack stealing a glance at Ennis now and then. When they were done, Ennis helped Jack with cleaning up. After, Ennis only said "Ready?" and Jack grabbed his things and they were off.

In the beginning of the third week, Jack actually smiled occasionally. Ennis heard him whistling in the bathroom one morning. He saw Jack with some of the other ranch hands…he had kept to himself most of the time he had been there. Some of them he knew from the tractor business. They were laughing about something, Ennis couldn't hear. Ennis smiled to himself and went off to his own duties.

Later that day, a ranch hand named Bo, angry because the foreman had chewed him out, chose to take his anger out on Jack.

Jack had been walking towards the stable with a saddle. As Bo walked by, he bumped Jack and then accused him of not watching where he was walking. Ennis had come around the corner right about the time Bo shoved Jack. Ennis had dropped the tools he was returning to the shed and was on his way to Jack when Bo slugged Jack laying him out on the ground. Ennis was like a bull seeing red. He hesitated because he knew Jack needed to take care of his own affairs with the ranch hands this way, but his protective instinct where Jack was concerned…and the continued vision of the tire irons…was overcoming his hesitation.

Right as he had decided to break both of Bo's legs, Jack got up walked toward Bo and before Bo could react, decked him. Jack picked up his saddle. Bo did not get up for a long while.

When Jack met up with Ennis to go home, Ennis stopped to look at Jack for a moment, and the shiner that had risen since his fight. It looked eerily like the one he had given Jack on Brokeback. Jack stopped and looked straight at Ennis. All he said was, "What?" Ennis nearly lost it all right there.

The next day, Bo was gone. The foreman had been told to watch out for Jack.

Two days later, Jack and Ennis were let off for the afternoon so Jack could go see the doctor. Jack had started to put up a fuss, but a quick glance at Ennis squelched that before it got started.

They arrived at the doctor's office. Not a real fancy place, small waiting room, some old magazines from the year before. The receptionist, a young woman who eyed both Ennis and Jack when they walked in, greeted them both and asked them to have a seat.

After a minute, she asked Jack to go on in to see the doctor. Ennis sat in his chair holding his hat. He could read, but not the fine print in the magazines, so with nothing to do, he just looked around.

The receptionist kept sneaking glances at Ennis. Despite his graying hair and hard-working look, he was still a handsome man. He tried to ignore her and focus on what he would need to do for Jack.

After awhile, Jack came out and spoke to the receptionist. When he finished, he walked over to Ennis. "The doctor says I'm doing a lot better and he's real happy with the progress I'm makin'. Seems the medicine's doing me good." He looked Ennis right in the eye, "He says if I keep it up, I won't need to come back to him much longer." He kept hold of Ennis' gaze not letting him look away, "I think I'll keep him to that."

Jack put his hat on, "There's a real good restaurant around the corner from here that serves a mean steak, how's about we go on over, my treat."

ooooooooooooo

It had been six weeks now. Ennis' mind was stretched thin and tight.

One day Jack just started talking…as if nothing had happened, much like the old days, Ennis noticed. He let Jack go on with this. Jack seemed unconcerned that Ennis wasn't talking back.

Jack had taken over the cooking and cleaning. More and more he took Ennis out to eat, or a movie, or just driving around. Again, as if nothing was wrong.

Jack was looking much better than when Ennis had first seen him some weeks back. He had put all his weight back on, was tanned, had muscle back….and wore his jeans too damn tight. Ennis was having a hard…uh…difficult time with that.

"Ennis."

Ennis started, he hadn't heard Jack walk up. "Ya need to get your sleep, Jack. It's been a long week."

"Ennis." Jack ignored him and sat cross-legged on the floor by the couch.

"I got something to say, Ennis. I'm gonna say it and you can listen or not, but I'm gonna say it…then I'll go." Jack took a breath to calm himself.

Ennis felt the moment coming…the turnaround moment in both their lives. He was shaking now.

"Ennis, these last four years were real hard for me…" and Jack made sure to stress this next point, "…and you. I was sure after that big argument we had, you was never gonna wanna see me again. I lived in pain and in the dark all that time and all I could think about was how I hurt, how I missed you, how I didn't have you around, how I had messed things up."

"I can see what that did to me now and all I got to say is how sorry I am for what I said to you." Ennis heard the true sincerity in Jack's voice. He had been laying on the couch, the back of his arm resting on the back of the couch and his hand laying on his forehead. His other arm was laying across his waist.

His eyes had begun to tear up. He moved his hand to cover his mouth.

"I know, Ennis, that you love me and always have since we met, though you couldn't say that until now. I know that you would give your life for me if you felt you had to, same as I would for you. So many times, I thought, 'what if he thinks I don't love him no more?' how would he be feelin'? And I would cry and hurt more thinking of the pain you must be in too."

A single tear rolled down Ennis' cheek. Jack saw it.

"Ennis, I know what you done for me these last weeks. I cornered Gil a couple weeks ago and he told me that Bobby had called him. I went to see Bobby and got him to tell me what had happened…I told him I'd cut off his allowance if he didn't." This drew a muffled chuckle from Ennis.

"I know what you done for me, Ennis. You made me get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. I feel alive again and ready to take on the world. I feel like a man instead of that broken down excuse for one I was for so long."

Ennis couldn't stop the shaking or the tears.

Jack sat up and leaned on the couch. He reached out with one hand to wipe away the tears from Ennis' cheeks.

"When you came back, I was so excited…but only half a man after those years. That ain't so no more, Ennis." Jack reached up to take the hand at his waist. Ennis didn't resist. "You seen to that, cowboy. And I want you to know how grateful I am for that."

"So, I guess I'll go now. I'll see ya in the mornin'." Jack went to release Ennis' hand but Ennis had tightened his and wouldn't let go. Jack stayed where he was.

"Come here," Ennis said as he tugged on Jack's hand. Jack's face split into a grin as he crawled up on the couch pulling Ennis's hand over his head so he could lay his head on Ennis' chest.

"Jack, I didn't wanna do this to ya. I didn't wanna be hard like this but I didn't know what else to do. You was gonna stay in this house forever if I didn't get ya out and where ya need to be. You was never meant to stay in a place like this for your whole life. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was mean to you. That ain't why I did it."

Jack slid up so his face was even to Ennis'. His eyes were closed and he still wouldn't look at Jack.

"Ennis, look at me." Ennis turned his head to the back of the couch, tears still rolling from his eyes. "Ennis…" and Jack turned Ennis' head so he faced Jack. He opened his eyes.

"I was the one mean to you, Ennis. I made it seem that you hadn't hurt all those years…that you hadn't missed me just as much as I missed you. That your life wasn't as much of a hell as mine was." Jack reached up to wipe his tears away again.

"That ain't ever gonna happen again, ya hear? I thought once that you might not love me no more…I know that ain't true, Ennis." Jack brushed the hair from Ennis' forehead.

"Will ya start talking to me again? It gets a little lonely around here without another voice but mine to listen to." Ennis smiled and laughed. "If I wanted to talk, Jack, when would I be able to get a word in edgewise with you jabbering like that all the time?"

Jack smiled and punched Ennis lightly on the jaw.

Ennis looked at Jack and moved his hand from his forehead to the back of Jack's neck. "I missed ya, rodeo." Ennis pulled him to him and kissed him lightly but passionately.

When they parted, Ennis said, "Jack, I don't wanna hurt no more, okay? I don't wanna fight, I don't wanna miss you like I had to. I just wanna be here with you…no matter what, alright? Just you and me. We both know that's how it's gotta be now."

"No matter what, cowboy…you and me."

Jack laid his head on the chest of the one person he had ever loved and ever would love.

Ennis wrapped his arms around the one person he had ever truly loved and would ever love.

"So, ya know, I saw you put Bo down with one swing that day?"

Jack raised his head, "You saw that?"

Ennis nodded, "Yeah, I think it was a lucky punch myself…I mean, Bo is kind of a big guy, and, well, you're just this little fucker ya know."

Jack pretended he had taken offense and started to wrestle with Ennis to show him just how wrong he was. Ennis let him.

End


	24. The Strange Fate of Twist I

_This is an extreme AU and was written in response to a fanfic challenge as follows:_

_After Jack dies, he is given a chance to be reincarnated into a different form (man, woman, horse?) back on earth. If he can make Ennis fall in love with him again within a set time (maybe the same amount of time it took for them to fall in love the first time-I'll let the author decide) then he will be restored to his former self and stay with Ennis, if not they will remain separated forever. Jack, being the risk taker that he is, welcomes the opportunity to change his fate._

Jack woke up not sure if he was standing or lying down. All around him was white, no sense of depth or distance. He realized quickly that it didn't make much difference since there was no up or down to be found either.

Everything was quiet and peaceful around him. He was filled with a sense of contentment, yet, in the back of his mind there was a disturbance. He knew that something had happened but couldn't grasp the memory. He pondered a bit, muttered to himself, poked around in his head but he couldn't quite make the connection.

Suddenly he saw…

**_The sun…blinding…a silhouette…an arm raising a tire iron, smashes him in the face again and again…_**

Jack's body convulses as the memory courses through him…

_**A brutal kick to the side and ribs break, a contemptuous stomp to the groin, a lead pipe breaking a leg…**_

He feels again the pain of the beating, tears flowing down his cheeks, his breath coming in great gasps…

**_He's alone now. He lays there, the pain distant, his sense of his body diminishing. Darkness creeps in from the edges of his vision._**

He rests in this white space, the flashes of memory fading along with the pain. He knows why he's here now, what circumstances brought him to this place.

He remembers that he and Ennis had fought and parted in anger…that shortly after he got back to Childress, one evening on a side road, he had been attacked.

He remembers thinking of Ennis before the blackness overwhelmed him, "_I ain't never gonna see him again._" Tears fill Jack's eyes. _"What's he supposed to do now? He aint' gonna know what to do." _A sob escapes him. _"I didn't get to say goodbye……I never told him I love him."_

As Jack thinks of Ennis, suddenly he's there...watching Ennis drinking at the bar, Jack knowing that Ennis was trying his best not to think about the time remaining before he got to see Jack again. Jack could feel Ennis trying to keep his need for him pushed down and away so he could survive each day. It was painful to watch.

Jack could see clearly now the love Ennis had for him but had never been able to release from the bindings and chains of his own beliefs and the beliefs of the world that had shaped him. He saw how hard Ennis had to struggle to keep the flame of love for Jack from being extinguished by these same forces.

Jack hadn't realized how difficult it had been for Ennis...and how very difficult it was going to be. He saw Ennis sinking into despair and desolation. It was too hard for Jack to watch.

A sense of complete futility overwhelmed him as he felt the distance between them and saw there was nothing he was going to be able to do for Ennis now.

"_That's not true, Jack."_

Jack froze. This quiet statement came from nowhere…and everywhere. He didn't hear it as words but knew that it had been uttered.

"What? I don't understand. I'm here now…and he's there. Don't see a way to reconcile that."

"_You're right you know. It's going to get very hard for him."_

"I don't want that to happen. He don't need no more pain." Jack paused and said quietly, "He ain't gonna know what to do by himself, all alone like that." A tear coursed down Jack's cheek. "He's hurt so much…"

"_Would you like to help him? Would you like another chance?"_

"I'd do anything."

"_There is only one condition. If you go, you will have to get him to fall in love with you."_

"But he already loves me."

"_As Jack, yes."_

"What do you mean?"

"_You'll have to go back as someone else."_

"Who?"

"_You'll see. You won't be disappointed."_

"I'll do anything."

"_You'll have to get him to say he loves you…he hasn't done that, right?"_

"He…couldn't. He wasn't good with words. I know he loved me…he just couldn't find the words."

"_He needs to find them…for his sake. He will need to say to you that he loves you…and if he does…"_

"What?"

"_We'll send you back to him as you…as Jack. He'll need you then to make sure he doesn't retreat…go back to who he used to be. He needs to take this step so he can be of use to others the way he is supposed to be. Others will come to rely on him later but only if he can open up. Ennis can be an important person to many people."_

"Ennis? He won't even talk to me much less anyone else!"

"_That's the point, Jack. If you can get him to say the three words that are the most difficult for him to say, how hard would it be to say anything else? And then he can open up and be the man he needs to be."_

"_Will you help him with this, Jack?"_

"Yes, I'll do whatever it takes. Ain't nobody else going to help him."

"_Get him to say 'I love you'."_

Jack floated for a moment in the not-space he had found himself in thinking of how much he wanted to be with Ennis again, to help him, to tell him how sorry he had been about the argument and how he wanted to make it up to him…to tell him how much he loved him.

He thought of Ennis until the darkness came and consciousness slipped away.

Jack woke knowing now that he was lying down. There was a rock in his side telling him that. He opened his eyes but wasn't able to see very well. Color was washed out…mostly shades of grey. He blinked a few times but nothing changed. He could hear sounds around him…birds chirping, the wind blowing, way off in the distance cars on the highway. He swiveled his ears to catch a sound behind him…

_Swiveled my ears…?_

As he began to become more aware of his surroundings…and more frightened at the strangeness…he licked his nose…

_I LICKED MY NOSE! What the hell is going on here?_

He went to jump up but couldn't seem to get his balance and kept falling. Then he looked down at himself.

_Oh, my God…what's going on here? I'm covered in fur! Where are my hands?_

He tried to yell for help but only got out howls and barks.

_I'm going out of my fucking mind…this must be some bad dream!_

Then he began to remember the voice telling him he could come back to help Ennis…but not as Jack.

_I thought they were going to send me back as some other person…not like this. What am I anyway?_

He stopped for a moment to get his bearings…to look around, to look at himself. He found he was panting, so tried to relax.

_Get a grip here, Twist. Take stock of your situation._

He looked at himself. Where his hands should be were paws. He could see his nose sticking out in front of him. If he reached for his ears, he could feel they were really big. He'd already noticed that he had fur and a quick glance back showed he had a tail. Another quick glance showed him he was still male with all his equipment.

_I'm a dog. A DOG! (Incoherent ranting). How can I help Ennis as a dog? Calm down now. First things first. Can I stand up? _

And Jack began to experiment and learn how to walk and see and hear like a dog. He spent a good amount of time learning about himself…luckily he had woke up in the woods away from people and things so he had the time.

He had the hang of walking now, though his tail tended to do what it wanted all by itself. He had heard that dogs could smell better than people, but now he sat in amazement just sniffing the air. The variety and texture and assortment of smells was overwhelming. He found he could hear bugs crawling on trees near him, the mooing of cows in the distance, a truck driving up then stopping, engine turned off…then Ennis cussing as he got out.

Jack was startled back to himself and his immediate surroundings.

_Ennis! It's Ennis! I'd recognize that stream of cuss words anywhere. What do I do now? I'm a dog. Can't just walk up and say, "Hey there, Ennis. Don't mind the fur. It's your buddy, Jack." But I gotta do something._

Jack decided just to find Ennis and see what happens next. He could smell him now…still the same smoky, sweaty smell that he liked. Jack figured best to start right away. He realized at the same time that he'd have to eat. Ennis would feed him, he knew he would. He'd just have to get there.

As he took off in Ennis' direction he thought, _"Wonder what kind of dog I am?"_

Ennis hadn't had a good day at work. Foreman was all over his ass that day. Not that Ennis had done anything wrong…he ran circles around the foreman where work ethic and care for the ranch was concerned. Seems the foreman had problems at home with the missus and decided, rather than solve them, to take it out on those under him.

Ennis just tightened up some more, put his head down, and plowed through his day. Only when he got home did he allow himself a moment of venting as he walked to the mailbox and into the rundown trailer.

He was usually able to keep thoughts of Jack deep down, but when his stress levels rose, he sought out his feelings for Jack to hold close and comfort him…to remind himself that there was something…someone…in the world worth putting up with all of this for.

His thoughts moved to their last meeting where they had argued, hurtful things said to each other. He had almost immediately regretted all the things he had said…but, damn that Jack, he had pushed him into saying all of that. Only Jack could reach deep down inside of him and bring forth these thoughts and feelings that he kept so firmly hidden. Only Jack could make him break down like he did with the pain of his need.

He wondered how Jack was doing. Was he still mad? Would Jack talk to him again? Hell, would he even ever show up again? Was Jack mad enough to break it off like he had said…to quit him? Ennis felt a hole open up inside at the mere thought that Jack wouldn't be around…that he might never see him again.


	25. The Strange Fate of Twist II

Jack was getting the hang of walking on all fours. He tripped up every now and then because he was still thinking about where to put his feet, but, on the whole, was doing pretty good for never having been a dog before.

He was so excited to see Ennis that he hadn't realized he had broken out of the brush right next to his trailer. He looked around but didn't see Ennis. He knew he was there because he could smell him.

He looked up at the trailer.

_Is this where he lives? I never realized…never thought…about how he must be living. I'd see him wearing the same clothes each fishing trip but just thought that he was being stingy. I hadn't realized how bad he was really doing. _

_Damn, I feel like a prick now for showing up in fancy clothes with fancy tents and new pickups. I must have made him feel about two inches tall. I should have thought about what I was doing.._

Jack was sitting there in the driveway when Ennis came out the door headed to his truck for something he forgot. Jack was so overwhelmed to see Ennis that he tried to call to him but, of course, only got out barks. He tried to run over to him but wasn't so good at running yet and tripped. He got up, sat for a moment to get his bearings, his tongue hanging out his mouth, tail wagging a mile a minute…clearly, in doggy body language, very happy to see Ennis.

Ennis just looked at him, told him to "get on outta here," got his stuff and went back in the trailer.

Ennis turned once to look at the dog through the screen on his door and was struck by what he saw…the dog's ears had fallen, his tail hung limp, his head was down…and, damn, if it didn't look like that dog was crying, little yelps coming from him. Ennis shook his head. _Just a dog. Get a grip. You got business so get on with it._

Jack sat there…and he _was_ crying…not believing that Ennis would shoo him away like that. He had forgotten that just because he knew Ennis, Ennis wouldn't recognize Jack under all the fur. He sat there thinking of his new situation, that he needed to start thinking like a dog. He knew that it was up to him to get Ennis to open up like the voices had said but he hadn't planned on having to do it as a canine.

He continued to think about his predicament, sitting in the same place until dark, then went and slept under the steps to Ennis' trailer.

As Ennis left the trailer the next morning to go to work, he saw the dog was still sitting there. Mumbling under his breath, he put his lunch and jacket in the truck. He looked over at the dog, who just hung his head, pleading with his eyes for Ennis to pay attention to him.

"Can't be taking care of no dog now," he muttered. "Can't even take care of myself." So he stomped his foot and told the dog to "go on, get outta here." The dog put his head down and then lifted it letting out a sad, plaintive howl.

"Go on now. Go find yourself some other body to bother." But Ennis said this with less conviction than the first time. There was something about this dog.

Jack wanted to stay with Ennis but was being pushed away. He howled his anguish but Ennis told him to go again.

Ennis looked at the dog now seeing a medium-sized, solid black, male dog. His tail had long hair feathered off the bottom. His fur was slightly wavy and, for some strange reason, reminded him of Jack's hair. He was standing a little bit away but Ennis could have sworn that he saw blue eyes.

"Can't take care of no dog now, ya here? You go on back to where you came from. I'm sure you got an owner that's missing you. Go on!" Ennis stomped his foot again.

Jack stumbled back, stood up, and with downcast eyes looked at Ennis one more time before he turned away and went into the brush.

Ennis stood frozen. When the dog had looked at him, he coulda sworn he had seen Jack and the way Jack looked at him when he was sad or Ennis had hurt his feelings. It was so clear that it took Ennis a moment to regain his thoughts and turn to get in his truck. He shot one last glance in the direction the dog had taken and shook his head to dispel the image.

Jack had turned and gone out to the field near the house. Despondent, he didn't know what he was going to do. So he just lay down where he was, put his head in his paws, and went to sleep.

He woke later hungry and thirsty after Ennis had come home. He could smell water…there was a small creek nearby. He figured, if he had to, he could find himself a rabbit or something but would rather have a steak cooked medium rare.

He satisfied his thirst but hadn't found a rabbit. He went to sit near, but not too close, to Ennis' trailer. He kept thinking about how Ennis had turned him away. He knew that Ennis couldn't tell it was him, but it still hurt. His longing for Ennis always got stronger the closer he was to him…and this was pretty close. Not being able to be near Ennis was painful and he howled to express this…a sad, mournful sound.

Ennis heard this anguished call but kept telling himself there was nothing he could do. But deep down inside he knew that he wasn't as sincere as he wanted to be.

Jack had decided during the night that he wasn't going to take any of this personally anymore. His mission was to get Ennis to say "I love you" to him and he couldn't do that if he wasn't near him. Besides, Jack knew that Ennis was unaware that he had died. He knew he'd need to be there when Ennis found out. Jack felt great pressure on his little dog shoulders but was determined to do what he needed to do.

The next morning when Ennis left the trailer to go to work, Jack was sitting right by the door to Ennis' truck…a happy dog-smile coming to his face when Ennis showed.

Ennis just stood there by the door to his trailer confounded by this dog that wouldn't go away…that he seemed strangely drawn to. _I ain't gonna take care of no dog…I just can't. What would I do with one anyway, gone all the time at work. Costs to feed one a these things, too. Ain't really got that kinda money. Does seem to be a friendly dog though. Guess it can't hurt to give him something to eat. Sure nobody's feeding him. Damn, why'd he have to come here._

Ennis walked back inside to get a can of Vienna sausage that he had and walked out, locking his door again. The dog was wagging his tail now.

Ennis walked down the steps and stopped at the bottom. He opened the can of sausage.

"Alright, ya mutt, come on over here. I got something for ya. But don't expect that this is the beginning of some wonderful friendship or something. Don't got no time for a dog right now." All the while Ennis was talking to the dog, he knew that he had already made a commitment and would be calling him his own shortly.

Jack walked over, wanting the food real bad because he was so hungry, but sat right next to Ennis. Ennis just looked at him, "Well, go on. You got some food now." Jack took another moment then, before Ennis could move, licked him up one side of his face. Ennis wasn't happy about that but it was as close to a kiss as Jack could get.

The dog did have blue eyes after all. Ennis thought that pretty strange and didn't think that he had ever seen a dog with blue eyes. Every time he looked this dog in the eye, he could swear he was looking at Jack. And he was talkative, just like Jack. He made more sounds than any dog he'd ever met. It was too uncanny for Ennis to try to figure out, so he just accepted it.

He ended up calling him Rodeo, for all his similarities to the real Jack. He didn't think Jack would mind the use of his nickname.

At first Ennis just fed him and kept him outside. He didn't pay much attention to him, thinking that he wasn't going to get too close. But Rodeo's winning ways soon turned Ennis around.

Rodeo always waited in the driveway for Ennis when he drove home. He was always near Ennis but never in the way. He knew when Ennis was in a bad mood and depending on that mood either stayed away or quietly walked over to sit with him, head on his lap.

Ennis decided that he'd let Rodeo in at night, given that he would always sit outside by the door when it was time to go to sleep. At first Ennis only let him sleep on the floor but one night Ennis woke up to a familiar presence in the bed. Not being fully awake, he rolled over to call for Jack…but it was Rodeo who was sleeping there, snug against Ennis' back. Ennis snapped awake. He had been sure it was Jack. After that, Rodeo was allowed to sleep in the bed.

Ennis had tried to deny his feelings for Rodeo but after awhile relented. He had grown fond of this crazy dog…and he was crazy. After Ennis would come home, he'd grab a beer and come out and sit on his steps. Rodeo had convinced Ennis that fetching a stick was an important daily exercise for the both of them. He'd run up to Ennis with some stick in his mouth he had found waiting for Ennis to take it. If Ennis didn't take it, Rodeo would drop it at his feet and sit patiently. If he still didn't take it, Rodeo'd start talking to Ennis, like he was chewing him out for not playing this really important game. When Ennis finally gave in to Rodeo's demands, he'd mumble and shuffle around like it was some great chore. But deep inside he was coming to truly enjoy his newfound friend and the stick-throwing times they had.

It occurred to Ennis one day that he had been laughing a lot lately. He had taken to cleaning up his place, making repairs he had been putting off, and would find himself humming on occasion. He had bought a couple of new shirts and a new leather collar for Rodeo with a tag that said,

Rodeo

Property of

Ennis Del Mar

When Ennis put the collar on Rodeo, he noticed that the dog actually looked proud and would hold his head higher when they walked together. Ennis thought that this was one strange dog.

He often thought how much Jack would like Rodeo. They seemed cut from the same cloth. He could see them both playing tag, running and chasing like a couple of kids, falling down, wrestling. That was a thought that brought a smile to Ennis' lips.

Ennis thought a lot about Jack but now the pain and longing was tempered by Rodeo's presence. It was easier to carry his loneliness with a new friend around.

Rodeo had been around about three months now. It was mid-July. He and Ennis were inseparable. If you saw Ennis, you saw Rodeo. And Rodeo never left his side. If Ennis stopped, Rodeo sat. If Ennis walked, Rodeo was right there. If Ennis went to the diner, Rodeo sat underneath the table.

Everyone remarked on his dog, how well-behaved he was, what a handsome dog he was, how intelligent he was, "like some kinda genius dog." Ennis would never talk about Rodeo, just thank people for their compliments, but he was feeling no small amount of pride.

The first time Rodeo met Alma and the girls was a memory that Ennis kept for a long while. He had gone to pick up the girls. When he got out to go to the front door, Rodeo, of course, was with him. After he knocked, Junior answered the door with Jenny not far behind. They both hugged their daddy and then, seeing Rodeo, started making a fuss about him. Rodeo responded with doggy kisses and hugs. This was all fine until Alma came to the door.

Rodeo looked up when Ennis said her name. When she leaned to pet Rodeo, he turned around, walked down the steps, looked both ways before crossing the street and hopped into the back of the truck where he disappeared. Alma's jaw dropped, so did Ennis'. Rodeo had never done this with anyone.

Alma turned to Ennis, scowled, said she expected the girls to be back on time and spun around, slamming the door. Ennis nearly laughed out loud right there, but kept it in check because of the girls. They ran to get in the truck. Ennis walked around to the bed of the truck, gently grabbed Rodeo by the scruff and said, with laughter in his voice, "You shouldn'ta done that, ya know." Rodeo just smiled real big.

Ennis had been working some extra hours and Jack was feeling left out. One day when Ennis managed to get home a little earlier and was sitting on his steps with a beer, Jack decided he needed his belly rubbed.

He calmly walked over to Ennis, stood a moment looking him in the eye, and then rolled over on his back right at Ennis' feet. Ennis just looked at him, a little smile at the corners of his lips. He looked away in the distance like he didn't see Rodeo there. Jack wormed his way over so he was laying on Ennis' boots. Still no reaction from Ennis.

Ennis stepped over him and started walking to his truck. Jack sprung up and went to lie on his back in front of Ennis stopping him in the middle of the driveway…tongue hanging out of his mouth, mischievous look in his eyes.

As Ennis stepped over him again, he glanced slyly out of the corner of his eye to see what Rodeo would do now.

Jack didn't disappoint. Ennis suddenly found a dog wedged between his legs, tripping him up and sending him to the ground. As soon as Ennis rolled over, choice words on his lips, Jack laid himself belly up on Ennis preventing him from standing. Jack felt that Ennis had no choice now but to rub his belly.

Ennis did relent calling Rodeo all kinds of name, yet smiling the whole time he did it. Jack got his belly rub and Ennis got to play.


	26. The Strange Fate of Twist III

Jack was walking with Ennis headed to the bar. He was thinking about how close he was able to be with Ennis now. He was next to him all the time…the very thing he had always wanted, except that, of course, he was a dog. He didn't let that get him down. He enjoyed every minute he got to spend with Ennis.

Jack liked going to the bar. One reason was he liked bars as a man. Second was that Ennis would slip him a little beer every now and then in a bowl they kept there at the bar for him. And third, he always got some kind of treat while he was there. They sold beef jerky and Slim Jims there and batting his eyes at the barmaids got him a couple every time. All in all, he enjoyed his going there with Ennis.

That night a couple of guys passing through town decided that they weren't having enough fun and thought that Ennis and Rodeo looked like they could provide them some entertainment. Jack was sitting at Ennis' feet. As the two guys got up heading for the bar, Jack moved to place himself between Ennis and the two men, a low, throaty growl coming from deep inside him. He could smell trouble coming. Ennis watched in the mirror behind the bar as the two got up.

As the two walked to the bar, the first drunk said to his friend, "Hey, Bubba, I thought there were laws about dumb animals in bars."

Bubba said, "Well, Josh, I believe I heard something about that once."

Josh said, "Seems our friend here needs to learn to respect the law."

Jack saw the boot coming but couldn't get out of the way in time. The kick sent him bouncing off the bar with a yelp. Ennis was off the stool and at the man who had kicked Rodeo. The bartender was headed to the center of the bar for his shotgun.

Jack got up, shook his head and saw that Josh had been a bit quicker than Ennis landing a right before Ennis could stop it. Ennis fell to the side and was struggling to get up. Jack took two steps to Josh's feet and jumped straight up into his face. This startled Josh so much he fell over backwards, Jack going down with him. When the man hit the floor, Jack straddled his chest with his jaws on Josh's throat. The hair on Jack's back was standing, a low, menacing growl coming from deep down inside daring Josh to bat an eye. The downed man didn't speak dog so tried to get up. Jack simply increased the pressure on Josh's throat which was clearly understood.

The bartender had pulled out his shotgun, took aim at Bubba, and warned him not to take another step. Bubba complied, hands in the air. A barmaid was calling the police.

Ennis, regaining his balance, looked for Rodeo. When he saw him over the other man, whose hands were up in surrender, he called him. Jack did not respond. He was blind and deaf to everything but this man who had wanted to hurt Ennis.

Ennis walked over and quietly called him again. Ennis looked at him in for just a moment and saw rage written in his dog's eyes…something he had never seen before.

"Come on, Rodeo. He ain't gonna be no more trouble. You done good, now, come on." Jack heard Ennis now and, without releasing Josh's throat, glanced Ennis' way to see if he was okay. The rage began to subside and Jack started to tremble.

"Come on now, boy, come on. It's okay. I ain't hurt and these two guys are gonna get there's. Come on, Rodeo, it's okay."

Jack let loose his grip on the man's throat but didn't move for a moment. He turned his head to the man and nose-to-nose, bared his teeth and growled something that meant, "If you had hurt Ennis, I'd have killed you." Josh wouldn't soon forget his meeting up with Rodeo.

Jack stepped off the man and walked to Ennis. He was shaking now and from inside came these soft but anguished sounds, asking Ennis for help. Ennis grabbed him holding him close, "you did good, Rodeo, you did good, it's alright, it's okay now." Ennis picked him up and Jack went limp in his arms. Turning to the bartender, Ennis said he'd take care of things later. The bartender told him not to bother…he was as protective of Rodeo as all the rest there. As Ennis left, he saw the police lights and sirens down the road.

Ennis took Rodeo to the truck and laid him on the seat. When he got in to drive home, Jack laid his head on Ennis' lap just wanting to be close…thankful Ennis was okay. He stayed that way the whole trip home.

Jack was able to walk inside where Ennis made sure he was comfortable. Grabbing a beer, Ennis walked out and leaned against the hood of his truck. Not long after, he started crying with the thought that he might have lost this very precious, new buddy of his. Ennis hadn't truly realized how much he cared but did now. He started to see the impact that Rodeo had had on his life and swore to keep him close and safe.

In the days to follow, Ennis began to make a correlation between how he felt for Jack and how he felt for Rodeo. He felt deeply for both. He craved the company of both. He kept Jack at such a distance. He brought Rodeo in with open arms.

He felt it was time to make some changes in his life.

Ennis sent a card to Jack to confirm their November fishing trip. It was early September.

Jack walked with Ennis to the post office, people greeting them both. Ennis gathered his mail reading it as he walked out then stopped suddenly in the street, frozen. Jack sat next to him but knew something was wrong. He realized suddenly that Ennis had just found out he had died. Jack moved around in front of Ennis making little noises. Ennis didn't see him. Jack tried harder to get his attention but Ennis didn't hear him.

Ennis looked around seeing the phone booth across the street. Jack followed him there. He tried to get in the booth with him but there wasn't space so Ennis left the door open for him. Jack heard the conversation, his ears drooping, his heart going out to Ennis.

Ennis stayed in the phone booth holding the phone long after the call was over. There was nothing Jack could do for him right now. Ennis' thoughts were far away. Odd, Jack thought, that Ennis was mourning his death when he was sitting right here in front of him.

Ennis walked back to his truck, opening the door for Rodeo by habit. Jack laid his head on Ennis' lap to try to console him. Ennis drove home in silence.

When Ennis got home and opened the door to the truck, he fell to his knees on the gravel of the driveway and started sobbing…deep, heaving sobs, his whole body shaking with the release of his control. Jack had jumped down trying everything to comfort him, to ease his pain, to tell him things would be alright. He ended up putting his paw on Ennis' back and his head next to Ennis'. They stayed that way a long time.

That evening, Ennis called his boss and said he needed a couple of days off…family emergency. He got it…grudgingly. Ennis hung up without saying goodbye. He had barely heard his boss on the other end of the line.

Then he got the number for Jack's parents in Lightning Flat.

The rest of that day and the next, Ennis didn't speak. Jack tried his best to stay with him, not too near to crowd him, but near enough that Ennis would feel comforted. And Ennis was comforted by Rodeo. He would sit in his chair, Rodeo's head laid in between Ennis' legs, and Ennis would stroke Rodeo's head while staring into the distance. They'd sit next to each other on the steps, Ennis' arm around him. They'd walk around the property, Rodeo right at his side. A lot of this Ennis did without thinking or realizing he was doing it, the bond between the two now so tight. His thoughts were far away and his sense of loss so great that, pretty much, the world didn't exist for him.

The morning of his second day off, he left for Lightning Flat. As Ennis pulled up, Jack went crazy trying to get out of the truck...he could see his mama who had walked out on the porch. Ennis opened the door, Jack crawling across him to get out. He ran right up to Mrs. Twist, stopped a few feet away, then walked up slowly and laid his head against her leg. She was astounded and quietly pet him. Ennis, no longer surprised by anything Rodeo did anymore, smiled and walked on over to introduce himself.

Jack would have nothing to do with his dad and, anyway, Mr. Twist would have no dog in his house…no way, no how. Jack didn't even come in. He looked once at Ennis, turned, and jumped in the back of the truck. "Never gonna figure this dog out," thought Ennis.

Ennis came back to the truck, tears in his eyes. He was holding a bag. As soon as he got in the truck, Jack knew what he had found. He could smell the shirts. He hoped that now Ennis knew how Jack had felt for him…how long he had loved him. It took Ennis a moment to get moving, but he soon headed back to Riverton.

When Ennis got home, he went straight to his closet, tapped a nail in and hung the shirts…Jack's symbol of his love. He looked at them for a moment, seeing how his shirt was inside Jack's…saying Ennis was in Jack's heart. He took the shirts and reversed them placing Jack in his heart now. He stepped back, a tear rolling down his face.

Ennis was quiet for a couple weeks after coming back from Lightning Flat. Sometimes he cried. Sometimes he raged. Sometimes he sat in the dark. Often he'd take Rodeo and go walk in the fields near his house.

It was on one of these field trips that it all came into place for Ennis.

He had walked for awhile finally settling on a log near the back of the property. Rodeo, as always, right there with him. Ennis sat, his head in his hands. Jack laid his head on Ennis' lap.

"Well, Rodeo, he's gone. I can't believe it, can't even think about it most of the time. I still see him. He had this smile, ya know. If I had only one thing to remember about him it'd be that smile." Here a tear rolled down Ennis' cheek.

Jack was in pain also hearing Ennis sad and heartbroken like this. He was limited in what he could do as a dog and that was frustrating for him. At the same time, he was amazed to hear Ennis talk about him the way he was. Ennis had never said these things to him before.

"What am I supposed to do now, Rodeo? Ain't nobody like him…ain't nobody ever gonna be like him. Now he's gone and I never told him how I felt. I never could get the words out, though he tried and begged in his way for me to say it."

A few minutes went by.

"The son of a bitch, kept my shirt. I thought I'd lost it but he stole it and kept it…for 20 fucking years he kept it." Tears started to fall again. "Put 'em together like he wanted us to be…had tried so hard for us to be. And all I did was push him away…stomped on his dream. Maybe if he could have said it first. Maybe if he coulda said…just once…'I love you'…maybe I could have found the courage to say the same to him."

Quiet.

"Truth is, Rodeo, I loved him so much I couldn't think straight. He was everything to me. But, ya know, I never thought I was good enough for him. Maybe that's why I could never tell him I loved him. Maybe I just thought that he'd laugh at me or something…tell me he liked me but, ya know, that was all. I know that ain't right but every time I saw that man all I wanted to do was look at him…just watch him like he was some kinda angel."

"But I did love him, Rodeo. I loved him with everything I had, every moment we was together. But I messed up. I didn't tell him while he was still here, while I could. Now it's too late."

Ennis stood up and stalked forward a few feet. From deep inside he yelled, "YOU HEAR THIS, JACK FUCKING TWIST, WHEREVER YOU ARE…I LOVE YOU. I ALWAYS HAVE AND I AIN'T NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU."

Ennis sank to his knees, his head dropped.

Jack heard. He was right in front of Ennis, stunned at the words he had finally said. Jack just sat, barely breathing, mouth closed, slightly shaking…not dog-like at all.

Ennis looked up, saw Rodeo, and called him. Jack moved forward nose-to-nose with Ennis.

"And you, ya flea-bitten, good-for-nothing mutt…" Here Ennis' eyes teared up again as he reached for Rodeo's collar, hooking a finger through it. "next to Jack, you been the best friend a man could ever ask for. If it hadn't been for you and the crazy shit you do, I think things might have been a whole lot worse." Ennis pulled him into a hug.

"You're just a dumb dog, Rodeo, but I love you, too." Ennis kissed him on top of the head. "I ain't gonna treat you like I did Jack. I'm gonna tell you I love you now…not wait until you're gone and being sorry it was too late."

"Is that okay with you, boy? Huh?" Ennis held Rodeo, patting him on the side. Holding him for awhile.

Jack of course knew that Ennis had said now what he had needed to say - twice. That the breaking of that stony interior would bring him to a place where he would be a whole person and not the stunted image of one that he had been all these years.

Jack knew his time as Rodeo was drawing to a close. He couldn't help but feel the pain of loss…the loss of running with Ennis, playing, being with him all the time, comforting him when his life took a turn…just being his dog. Jack had enjoyed more than he would have believed this time he had spent with Ennis.

He wondered what was going to happen now that Ennis had done what the voices said he had to. He didn't wonder long though. Ennis still needed him right now and the comfort he could offer. Whatever was going to happen would happen when it needed to. No worry or anxiety on his part would make anything happen quicker.

Right now, he had to play fetch with Ennis. That was most important.


	27. The Strange Fate of Twist IV

Jack found himself back in the not-space, floating as he had months back. He felt different, realizing that he was human again. It was comfortable but odd to have human hands, human legs, a human head. He had been a dog for awhile now and had gotten used to that.

Jack could feel he wasn't alone.

"_How have you been, Jack?"_

"Well, other than fleas and paws for hands, pretty good, I'd say."

"_It's a wonderful thing you were able to do for Ennis."_

"I think Ennis did most of the work he had to do. He's a strong man, just don't know it most of the time."

"_He's said what he had to say, Jack. His future has opened in a way he would never have dreamed."_

"If this means he can be happy now, well, then, I'm all for it."

"_You can go back now, as Jack, if you'd like."_

"I'd like that. I'd like that very much. But…what about Rodeo? He can't lose Rodeo, not now."

"_Rodeo will stay. You just shared space with him, like roommates, for awhile. He won't be as smart as when you were there, but he will still be Rodeo."_

"Then…I guess this is it."

"_It is, Jack Twist. May your life be long and full of happiness."_

"If Ennis is there, it will be."

The white not-space began to fade. Color began to seep in…forming images.

As things took shape, he began to recognize the trailer, Ennis' truck, the place he had called home for some months now.

He raised his arms and saw a blue shirt, his own hands at the end of the sleeves. He brought those hands to his face recognizing the features…feeling the stubble on his chin. He stomped his feet a few times to get the feel of wearing boots and walking on two legs. All in all, he felt pretty good.

He took a deep breath, slowly letting it out. He was back. Back as he remembered himself to be. Back as Jack Fucking Twist. Except now he knew how Ennis felt for him and how he had changed. After all, he had helped with that. He shook with anticipation.

He took a step towards the trailer and Ennis.

Ennis was asleep when all the noise started and only half-asleep when he realized Rodeo was at the door scrambling to get out. _Damn that dog!_

He got to the door with the help of a lot of cussing as he pulled his pajama bottoms up, and ran his hands through his hair. He opened the door and Rodeo was out like a shot. _What the hell burr is up his butt?_

As Rodeo slammed the door open on his way out of the trailer, Ennis poked his head out to see what was up. Rodeo had run across the driveway and was jumping on and playing with someone. _Who the hell could this be? Nobody comes out here._

The stranger had his head down petting on Rodeo, so Ennis couldn't see his face clearly. What he did see was the black hat, tight jeans and boots. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. Ennis stepped…well, kinda fell…out of his door to the first step.

Then Jack stood up.

Ennis felt like a bus had just hit him. He stopped breathing, his heart clenched up and he started to shake. His body knew it was Jack and was reacting but his brain kept trying to say, "No, no, this ain't Jack. Jack's dead." But it was Jack and he wasn't able to deny it any longer.

"Jack." His mouth made the motion but no sound came out of it. He stepped down the last steps. Rodeo was quiet. Jack had taken a step forward.

"Jack." Ennis was able to say his name now but he was still having a hard time breathing. And now he found that he couldn't move his feet.

Jack smiled brightly and walked over to him. When he reached Ennis, Jack pulled him close, holding him tightly. It took Ennis a moment to respond…but he did and threw his arms around Jack burying his face in Jack's neck.

"Sonofabitch…Jack." Ennis was crying now, unable to hold back the tears.

"It's okay, cowboy, it's okay, everything gonna be okay." Jack spoke softly to Ennis working to calm him down.

"Jack, they all said you was dead. What's going on?"

"Not now, Ennis, okay? Later…later we'll talk. But not now. All I wanna do is hold you and never let you go."

After a short time, Jack took Ennis' face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away the tears from his cheeks, "I got something to say to you…I love you, Ennis Del Mar, more than anything, more than my own life. I have since I first saw you and will till I'm dust in the ground…which I ain't right now. I'm here to spend the rest of that life with you and I won't take no for an answer."

Ennis just stared at him, tears still rolling down his face. Then he reached up to grab Jack's face and kissed him long and with passion…not with the fire of youth but with the depth of maturity.

He parted and leaned close to Jack saying softly for only Jack to hear, "I love you, Jack Twist. I'm sorry I never said it to you before, but I do. You are everything to me and I want you to know that and never forget it."

Jack said to Ennis, "I do, Ennis. I always have known…and I always will, no matter what."

Ennis stepped back, "I pushed you away for 20 years, then thought you were dead…I ain't letting you go now, Jack Fucking Twist."

"There ain't nowhere for me to go but wherever you are, Ennis." Both were silent for a moment

Jack looked Ennis up and down, "Is this how you greet your company now?

Ennis looked down forgetting that he had just gotten out of bed and was only wearing his pajama bottoms. "Well, asshole, if it was anybody else but you…"

Jack smiled. Ennis smiled and quietly and tenderly reached out to caress Jack's face, rubbing his thumb across his cheekbone. "I missed you, Jack, something awful. I don't know how you come to be here but it's a second chance for me…and this time I won't be fucking it up."

Jack smiled. "Let's get you into some clothes and go get breakfast, I'm starved. Ain't had real people food in a long time now." Ennis raised an eyebrow.

Jack turned, "Come on, Rodeo." The dog bounded over to the both of them.

Ennis looked at Jack, "How did you know his name?"

Jack looked everywhere but at Ennis, "Uh, lucky guess?"

Ennis stared at him for a second, then shrugged as he walked into his trailer to change.

Jack stood for just a moment, looking to the sky, and giving thanks for another chance with Ennis. Quietly, he turned and walked into the trailer.

End


	28. No Distance

So long now, so many years, he has wandered through each day like some lonely, forsaken ghost…insubstantial and hollow…his constant yearning and need screaming from inside the shell of what passes for his life…unheard by those around. He drifts from thing to thing, place to place…lost for so long now without his compass, his north star. He endures every day the pain of knowing that the only light to ever shine in his life…the only one that had illuminated the darkness inside…was gone, irretrievable, except in memories that grew dimmer with time. How blue were those eyes? How soft the touch? How captivating the laugh? His anguish at the fading of these precious memories like acid, painted stroke by stroke on his heart.

He walks through a familiar field in the mountains as he has done so many times before…isolating himself from all the others out there…those others who never understood the enormity, the depth of this thing…this love…this experience that had filled his heart for what seemed so short a time.

He walks deeper into the brush and trees still not satisfied that eyes aren't prying, judging, and whispering. His walk more unsteady now. It's increasingly difficult to see where he's going with the tears that spring to his eyes. He stumbles once, catches himself. He stumbles again falling to his knees…a moan of intense anguish escaping the lips that had been sealed around the judgmental world he had to exist in.

He falls to all fours, sobs breaking painfully free, back heaving with the pain of emotion too long held in check. His heart hammers, his body shakes.

_All gone…still gone…always gone_, he thinks. Only darkness stretches into what remains of his life without the one light that the Universe had seen fit to show to him, entice him with…then rip away.

The tears flow with nothing and no one to restrain them. Thoughts and memories flood his brain ravaging the self-control that is only precariously held at best. Scenes and recollections pour forth of stolen glances over the fire, the electric shock of an inadvertent touch, the tightness in the chest at the thought that someone cared.

He feels now…what he had with great effort kept from his consciousness…two hands twisted in his jacket…a piercing look of need, the grinding press of a kiss demanding a response of passion, the rhythm of two bodies striving to become one, the explosion and loss of self in release. All these memories fading, diminishing shadows of what had once been reality…that reality, he daily repeats like a mantra, gone now, lost…not just out of reach…but non-existent, incorporeal, vanished from space and time for all eternity.

In his mind, he kneels at the edge of a dark, despairing abyss…right on the edge…so close, so close. He sees the darkness, the oblivion that would erase all the pain…erase all the memories of that once clear and joyous light. _But I can't. It's been so long…but it's all that's left, it's all I have left._

Suddenly all is taken from him. The abyss collapses, he tumbles through the darkness out of control.

In the forest, his body spasms once…twice. His breathing slows.

He reaches out for purchase as he falls through the darkness. He reaches for all the memories…reaches for the pain and anger, the loss and emptiness…anything to hold onto the one thing that gives his life meaning of any kind.

But what he grabs…what he finds himself holding onto now…is that so-familiar hand, that touch he thought was gone forever. His gaze is helplessly drawn to those blue eyes he never tired of looking into, those lips always asking to be kissed, that quirky smile given only to him. He hears that voice saying quietly, "It's alright. It'll be alright."

He lays back quietly, easily. The pain and anguish, guilt and recrimination held tightly, painfully to his heart all those years fading like fog, like a bad dream exposed to the light of day…and in its place an indescribable joy.

He had never been far from his one love he sees now. They had only ever been separated by a short distance…the slightest of spaces.

"Jack," he breathes softly.

"Ennis," he whispers longingly.

No more loss…no more separateness for either…no more until the need for lessons to learn comes again.

They embrace.

Home…home together again.


	29. If Not For Fear I

**If Not For Fear I**

"Well, I guess I'll see ya around then."

Ennis couldn't count the times these words had gone through his head over the last two and a half years. He could, though, count the times that guilt and remorse and heartbreaking pain had been associated with that phrase…and that was every single time he thought of it.

He had left Brokeback that summer twisted and tortured, had spent a lot of time wandering and drinking…mostly drinking…trying to forget his guilt at leaving Jack. He hadn't been successful.

Deep inside he knew that he'd wanted to stay but hadn't known how to deal with the feelings that Jack had opened up in him on Brokeback. He ran from something he didn't understand, something that frightened him and, in his mind, was an immediate death sentence should anyone find out.

He simply had not been equipped to handle the emotions that Jack had awakened within him.

He had returned to Riverton, gotten a job at one of the ranches, and rented a room from a widow just outside of town, paying rent by making some needed repairs around the house.

He had been trying hard to stuff Brokeback down as deep as he could. He had told Jack he was marrying Alma and, in the outer realms of his mind, that was the truth. Yet, he kept putting off going to see her…making excuses to himself that he felt were valid. He had too much to do at the widow's house, his job kept him away…cows and calves and fences.

"There just ain't no time. I'll try again tomorrow." But tomorrow brought another excuse that his brain told him was valid enough to not go. She didn't know he was back so it couldn't hurt if he didn't see her right away. This went on for a month and a half.

All of his excuses came crumbling down one day when he happened to turn the corner to the post office on one of his rare trips into town. He nearly bowled Alma over as he walked in, his head down and his mind consumed with not thinking of Jack.

"Ennis? Ennis!" He had walked nearly across the room to his P.O. box when he realized someone had called his name. He turned.

"Alma." This came out kind of strangled. He caught himself looking around as if he needed a means of escape but couldn't find one. Alma quickly walked over to give him a hug and a kiss.

"Ennis, when did you get back? How long you been in town? How was your summer?" and on and on. Ennis felt like he was trapped in quicksand. An inner voice kept badgering him with, "_This is your girl, your future wife. Hug her or something. Talk to her. What's the problem here?"_ But he was frozen where he stood.

Suddenly he was unable to breathe and his need to flee overwhelmed him. He put his hands on Alma to push her away a little.

"Alma, I gotta go…it's the job…the cows, ya know." He looked at her seeing the confusion and hurt on her face. He tried to feel something, to want to hug her, to need to kiss her…but all he wanted to do was get far away as fast as possible.

"I'll see ya around."

There were those damn words again. Was that all he knew how to say to the people he loved? People he loved? People…he…loved? Like what people? There were only two people he knew…Jack and Alma. He knew he loved Alma but…Jack?

He tried to clamp his mind shut on that last thought. _"Can't think about Jack."_ But, as with all people, there are times when our brain does what it wants and not what we want it to. Despite all Ennis' effort, Jack flashed through his brain. Compared to Alma, what he felt for Jack was…well, there was no comparison. But he couldn't love Jack, could he? Jack was a man, a guy. And despite all that happened on Brokeback with Jack, one guy shouldn't love another guy. Look what happened to that old queer Earl, found dead in a ditch. It was clear to Ennis that Earl had died because he had loved another man.

But here he was with thoughts of loving Jack. It felt like he'd been struck by lightning.

He could see Alma talking but couldn't hear what she was saying. He could feel his hands on her shoulders but there was nothing there, not like when he touched Jack. He looked at her but only saw blue eyes and black hair.

He had thought he loved Alma but now, compared to what he was feeling for Jack, saw that his love for her was small and duty-bound.

He was regaining some sense of his surroundings. Quickly he gave Alma a peck on the cheek…like kissing a dead fish compared to Jack…and all but ran out of the post office, hearing her call after him. Once he got around the corner, he did run…as far as his legs and lungs would take him, tears streaming down his face.

Ennis had spent the next couple of weeks working at the widow's house and at the ranch, as many hours as he could, in order to keep his mind occupied on things other than his growing feelings for Jack and to exhaust himself so he would fall into unconsciousness as soon as he had no further work to do. Drinking helped that happen quicker.

Ennis was…and wasn't…so successful at keeping Jack from his thoughts. Exhaustion came quickly enough but, despite all his efforts to push these thoughts out of his mind, Jack was still there. He might be able to occupy his surface thoughts with extra work, but these other thoughts and feelings for Jack, rising like whales from the depths, could not be redirected or ignored. They went their own way, breaking down barriers and insinuating themselves to become part of his basic character.

He had been working out back on a fence line at the widow's house. He had deluded himself into thinking that he hadn't been thinking of Jack. He was confident he had been pretty successful not thinking of Jack. _Nope, no thoughts of Jack here. Yep, really getting good at not thinking of Jack._

With his delusion intact, he decided he needed to get something to drink since it was a hot day out. Maybe something to eat, too. He took his gloves off and walked into the house. That morning the widow had gone to see her sister a couple of towns away. She wouldn't be back for another two days.

He walked in the back door that opened into the kitchen wiping his boots on the mat the widow had put down for his use. He walked over to the sink, got himself a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen table for a moment to rest. He was vaguely aware that the widow's radio was playing.

Thinking now might be a good time to eat he went to the cabinets to see what was there. As he opened the door, he froze, his eyes immediately spotting the green cans…a pot of beans on the label, Better Most in white on a blue background. _When did she get these?_ He reached up and took a can down to stare at in amazement.

As he did, in the background, a lone harmonica sounded out…plaintive and lonely. This simple coming together of two separate incidents was enough to completely shatter Ennis' resolve regarding Jack.

Suddenly, he was surrounded by memories of his days and nights on Brokeback. His vision began to blur, his heart slammed against his ribs, he was gasping for air. He could no longer hold the bean can. It bounced off the cabinet and rolled across the floor.

The sobbing began and from deep down inside, the whales of memory and feeling finally breached the surface. Jack was everywhere now…his face, his smell, his laugh, his eyes, the touch of his skin.

Ennis grabbed the edge of the counter in an attempt to stay standing but failed and crashed to the floor of the kitchen. On his hands and knees, he cried like he had never cried before. All he could feel was an overwhelming love and desire for Jack. Yet along with these feelings came the bitter realization that he would never see Jack again. He sat back on his heels, his elbows on the floor, his hands on his head.

He felt all these things overwhelming him, but without sufficient experience dealing with deep emotion, he didn't know how to avoid falling into a black hole of devastation…and that's exactly what he did.

He stayed on the kitchen floor a long time. It was dark when he was able to gather enough of his shattered self-control together to get up.

After his kitchen episode, Ennis withdrew even more. He hurt knowing that he loved Jack and he hurt worse knowing that he would never see him again. He talked little and rarely left the house after he got home from work. If he did it was to go drinking.

Alma had come by a few times. She found out where he lived from a ranch hand that knew Ennis. But Ennis didn't have anything to say or offer to her. She had cried the last couple of times trying to understand why he didn't love her no more. There was nothing he could say but, "I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't husband material after all." She never came back.

About a year later, he heard that she had married the local grocer. He hoped she was happy.

Ennis went on with his life without Jack…but without Jack he didn't really have a life.

About six months after Ennis had come back to Riverton, he had been able to rent this rundown farm house outside of town and get himself what, at one time, could have been considered a truck. He had done a lot of work on the house, which helped to make it more livable, and now was at the point where only minor things came up every now and then.

He had gas to cook with and electricity. There was a fireplace that he had cleaned out and made serviceable for the winter months. He had a couple pieces of furniture, a little radio, and a stray cat that he fed at his back door.

He had made no friends, so no one ever came by. Well, there was Sheriff Parker. J.D. to his friends.

He had come by in Ennis' early days at the house just to introduce himself and get to know Ennis. This house was in his jurisdiction and he liked to know the people he might have to help…or arrest.

Ennis hadn't been expecting anyone that day and met the Sheriff at the door with a rifle. Their relationship had started a little awkwardly that day because of this but the visit had ended just fine.

Every few months, Sheriff Parker would come by with a six-pack and he and Ennis would sit on the front porch. The Sheriff was a lot like Ennis, quiet, withdrawn, solid-appearing to the world. He was a bit older than Ennis, shorter and stockier.

When he visited, they spoke only of casual things and not much of that but both came to enjoy the company. To look at them, it would seem they were carved from the same kind of stone.

So when the knock came at Ennis' door on a cold, windy and rainy night in late March, it startled him but he assumed it was Sheriff Parker. Overly cautious as he typically was, he took the rifle.

He held the gun downward in his right hand, bullet in the chamber. With his left hand he opened the door which swung free of his grasp, pushed by a gust of the wind. A man stood there, his back to Ennis.

There was no light on Ennis' front porch but the light from his living room helped to weakly illuminate the figure. Ennis quickly began to size up the man standing there to decide whether he needed to use his rifle or not, his house being way out in the country.

Ennis saw a black hat, hunched shoulders, hands jammed down in the pockets of a jacket much too light for this bad weather.

The man turned and looked up.

Ennis' heart clenched. He froze where he stood, rain and cold coming in through the open door. His eyes kept telling his brain what they were seeing, but his brain kept refusing to believe it.

"Ennis?" the figure stuttered out from blue lips.

Ennis couldn't move. He didn't feel the tear that rolled down his face.


	30. If Not For Fear II

**If Not For Fear II**

"Jack," Ennis managed to force out of a closed throat.

"S'cold."

Ennis nodded his head like it was a casual conversation and he was acknowledging Jack's statement

"Jack?" Ennis said again.

Jack gave a weak smile, his hands still in his jacket pockets, little shivery tremors crossing his body now and then. He was stepping from one foot to the next trying to stay warm in the cold rain. Ennis remembered that he was holding the rifle and put it in the corner.

He reached out for Jack to pull him in from the cold. He gathered Jack into his arms to feel him close, all the time saying, "son of a bitch, son of a bitch.". He held him tight to make sure that he wasn't some kind of dream or ghost...to make sure he hadn't tripped over into insanity when he wasn't looking.

He could feel Jack shaking and only then realized, as his own clothes got wet, that Jack was soaked through. He pulled back, "Jack, you're wet," as he stated the obvious.

Jack, looking confused, turned to the door, "It's raining."

Right about the time that Ennis was going to suggest he get out of those wet clothes, Jack started to shake more seriously. He was only able to spare one look of despair and helplessness in Ennis' direction. He grunted once, twice and started to fold in on himself.

He was shaking violently now curling into a fetal position. All Ennis could do was follow him down as he collapsed to the floor.

"No, Jack, no...Jack…oh God…JACK!"

Ennis' mind scrambled. _What do I do? He'll die if this keeps up. Gotta get him warm._ He looked to the fireplace but it would take too long to get the fire up enough to help. The oven might do but it would still take too long. A blanket would only get wet and do no good.

_The bathtub_. Ennis' decision was made in an instant. His strength now increased from the panic he felt, he picked Jack up and headed to the bathroom…all the time fearful that he would lose his grip Jack was shaking so hard now. He laid Jack down in the tub and turned the hot water on full blast. He took off Jack's hat but that was all he could get off. Jack was too tightly curled up.

Ennis checked the water and when it was hot enough tempered it with the cold and stoppered the tub.

He knew he wasn't going to be able to help Jack from outside the tub, the leverage was all wrong, so got in with him. It was tight but Ennis stretched his legs out and did his best to hold on to Jack.

As the water rose, he kept talking to Jack, "Jack, hold on now, come on, Jack. It's gonna be all right, okay? Don't you die on me, Jack. Hang in there, it'll be okay." This went on in a steady streak for Ennis' sake and Jack's.

The water rose nearly to the top of the tub, Ennis keeping Jack's head above water. His shivering had begun to subside as the warmth of the water raised his core temperature. Jack had begun to unfold some, to relax…but he wasn't talking or moving.

"Jack, come on. Wake up, Jack. Come on, rodeo. Wake up." Ennis was rubbing Jack's limbs vigorously trying to do his part to warm him up. Ennis checked his breathing and his heartbeat. He was still alive, so must have passed out. _What the hell was going on here?_

When Ennis felt that the water had started to cool down and Jack had stopped shivering, he un-stoppered the tub and let the water drain. He laid Jack down in the tub for a moment so he could get towels and blankets. As much as he could he stripped Jack in the tub…boots, jacket, shirt. He picked Jack up and laid him down on the towels he had put on the floor, using another towel to try to dry him as best he could.

It was then he noticed the bruising all along one side of Jack's chest. He rolled Jack a little and saw more bruising on his back. A jolt of rage ran through Ennis at the thought of someone hurting his Jack that caused his hands to shake and his jaw to clench.

"Can't deal with this right now," he said through gritted teeth. "Gotta keep going."

He then managed to get Jack's pants off and worked to get him dry. More bruising.

"Jack, what happened? What's going on here?" Ennis said with a tear coming to his eye. He wrapped a blanket around Jack and now, with greater effort because he was dead weight, moved him to the bed.

He laid Jack down and piled on all the covers he could find to get him warm. When he saw that Jack was safe, he went in to stoke the fire and warm the house some. When he got back he stripped, dried himself off and got in bed holding Jack close to him so his own body warmth would help to speed up Jack's recovery.

As soon as his skin contacted Jack's, the old, powerful feelings of lust overwhelmed him for a moment and he got an instant erection. He quickly reminded himself that Jack was in danger and there was no time right now for the things they had done on Brokeback. A moment of lecturing Ennis, Jr., and he was able to ease up and focus on Jack. He'd get his chance later if Jack got better…and was inclined to return the feelings.

Jack wasn't shivering anymore but he still felt cool so Ennis stayed there holding him, rubbing his arms and chest to help him get warmer, talking to him about how glad he was to see him, what he had been doing, little things, anything he could think of to let Jack know, even though he was unconscious, that Ennis was there and he wasn't alone.

A few hours later, Ennis felt that Jack was no longer in danger and had warmed up enough that he could get up and try to figure out what the hell had just happened.

He dressed and went out into the living room…the house was warmer now. He went in and poured himself some whiskey. Standing at the counter, hands gripping the edges, eyes closed, mind reeling, he did his best to bring some sanity and control to this completely unforeseen moment.

He was more than stunned at the thought that Jack was here. But he was trying to put all his feelings for Jack aside right now and do what he could immediately to help him. There would be time later to let his feelings loose. _Just help Jack right now. Help Jack_.

He took his whiskey and walked back to the bedroom. He stood in the doorway watching Jack. He wasn't moving, which Ennis didn't like, but neither was he shivering like earlier.

He decided he would let Jack sleep 'till morning…it was close to ten at night…and see how Jack felt then. In the meantime, he would keep checking on him to make sure he stayed warm.

He went to sit on his old and tattered couch putting his whiskey on the floor.

Jack was here. _His Jack_. The one he had come to terms with loving and the one he never thought he would ever see again. So much emotion was welling up in Ennis he didn't think he'd be able to endure it. But he had to for Jack. So he took Jack's welfare as the bull's-eye he honed in on and worked to push everything else aside until there was time and space to deal with it.

After sitting up for a couple of hours trying to gather his thoughts and think of what he needed to do to help Jack, he got up and went in to check on him. He felt his forehead which was still a little cool, brushed his hair back from his face, talked to him softly.

Ennis had come down now from the adrenaline rush of earlier which left him drained and tired. He moved to lay under the blanket draping his arm protectively over Jack. If there was movement during the night, he'd know. This was how Ennis woke up in the morning.

Ennis got up and immediately checked Jack to see how he was doing. He was concerned to find that Jack was sweating and when he felt his forehead found he had a fever. He got a cool, wet cloth and wiped Jack's face. He took off a blanket leaving only one on Jack.

Ennis knew that Jack had to wake up at some point and take some fluids and food so he went in and got a glass of water and put some soup on the stove on low to heat.

He got back to the bedroom, laid the glass of water on the floor by the bed and tried to wake Jack.

"Jack, come on, bud. Ya gotta wake up now. Come on, open your eyes. Come on, rodeo, it's light outside, gotta herd them sheep. Come on, Jack."

He was lightly slapping Jack's face, brushing the hair from his forehead, raising his voice now hoping Jack would recognize him and wake up.

It didn't take Jack long. His eyes opened and Ennis' breath hitched. There were those eyes, those damn blue eyes that had always trapped him making him dizzy and weak at the knees. But they weren't focused. Ennis called to Jack some more.

Jack looked over at Ennis, "Ennis, why…why ain't you up with…them sheep? I ain't…got breakfast done yet." Jack spoke hoarsely through a dry mouth and throat. Ennis knew that this was his fever talking.

"Hold on, Jack. Here, drink some water. You need to get some fluids in ya." Jack took a few sips and then turned his head. Ennis made him take a couple more and then put the glass aside. "I got some soup heatin'…you gonna have to eat somethin' okay?" Jack just looked at Ennis like he had never seen anything more beautiful.

"Did you come down to see me, Ennis?"

Ennis' eyes teared up again. He leaned forward and kissed Jack lightly on the forehead.

Jack had begun to slip into sleep but Ennis had to get the soup so he laid him down and went to the kitchen. He could wake him up again when he got back.

Ennis had brought the soup, just the broth actually, and pulled Jack up in the bed. This time when Jack woke up, he was a little more alert but still appeared to be confused.

Jack looked around for a moment, uncertain where he was. He looked over at Ennis trying to focus on his face.

"Ennis," Jack said weakly while trying to back up from him. "Ennis, where…?"

Ennis saw Jack was frightened.

"Jack, you're at my house. You came by last night. You was in bad shape, bud, but you're doin' better now. Here, come on, I got something for you to eat." And Ennis lifted a spoon of broth to Jack's lips.

Jack just stared at Ennis, "Oh God, what am I doing here?" Jack was becoming agitated and had started to cry. Ennis hadn't expected this and tried to put the broth down before he spilled it.

"No, no, no, Jack, no. Please, don't cry, okay?" And Ennis held him close while Jack sobbed into his chest. "It's alright, Jack, it's alright. Everything'll be okay. Sssshhh, now, rodeo, it's alright."

Ennis saw he was slipping away but before Jack lost consciousness again he said, "I never thought…thought…I'd see you again. I thought I was…gonna die and…never see you again." Ennis was a hair's breadth away from losing complete control. Only his tendency to solidity and repression of feelings gave him any sort of footing at all at this moment.

Through his own tears Ennis said, "Ssshh, Jack. You're okay now. It's all okay. I got ya, rodeo, nothin' you got to worry about right now, okay?" Ennis held onto Jack until his crying had diminished and he had fallen back to sleep. He'd try to get him some broth later.

Ennis went back to the kitchen with the cup and spoon but dropped them before he could put them in the sink. He fell to the floor on all fours, his chest heaving with his pain, his tears falling to the kitchen floor.

Later that afternoon, Ennis was able to get Jack to down some broth but Jack still didn't really know where he was. He managed to help Jack to the bathroom to relieve himself. That hadn't gone so well.

When he got Jack back to bed, Ennis bathed him the best he could and then got him into some pajamas. Jack was still sweating and still felt chilled so Ennis made sure he had enough blankets to stay warm.

Ennis sat on the bed for awhile watching Jack, brushing his fingers down the side of Jack's face, holding his hand. It occurred to him that he hadn't actually thought about the circumstances surrounding Jack's arrival. He had been so involved in taking care of him, he hadn't stopped to think what the weather had been like when Jack got there.

Looking back now, he realized that Jack had been out in 40-degree weather with blowing winds…in the rain…in late March…in Wyoming. _How long had he been walking in that kind of weather? Where had he been coming from? Why would he not remember that he had come here? _ So many questions. He put them aside and held Jack's well-being in the front of his mind.

Jack was sleeping soundly now. Ennis was satisfied that he had done all he could at this point so he lay down with Jack needing some rest himself. He laid his arm over Jack as he had done before and tried to calm his mind so he could sleep.

As he drifted off, his thoughts veered to work. Ennis was supposed to be working that coming day but he couldn't leave Jack and had no phone to call the foreman. Maybe he could tell him that he had been sick for these days…or the truth, a friend of his came to town and got really sick…and see if he could keep his job. If not, well, it wouldn't be the first time he'd had to hoof it out and get a job.

Jack alternated between sweating and chills for the next three days. Ennis stayed up with him…pushing fluids, pushing soups and broths, helping him to the bathroom. He would lay with Jack often but wasn't getting much sleep because of his concern and his periodic checks to make sure Jack was still okay.

Jack was quiet when he was awake now and would only look at Ennis if he thought Ennis wasn't looking at him. Ennis let it go as weakness and fever.

Early in the morning of the fourth day, before dawn, Ennis checked once again on Jack and decided he'd lay down for just a little while. He'd get up in a couple hours and get something for Jack to eat…he was so tired from staying up all this time.

_Just a little while_, he thought_, I'll just sleep for a little while._

He was out before he knew it.

_Ennis woke up in the tent near dawn. It was that twilight time…not night, not day. He took a moment to get his bearings, listen to his surroundings, let his brain get started. He rolled over and reached for Jack, an automatic thing, but found he wasn't in the bedroll. Fear struck and he tossed the blanket and the bedroll looking for Jack…like there was anywhere for him to hide in such a close space. He scrambled out of the tent stumbling forward, coming to the ground on his knees. Panicking now, he screamed for..._

"JACK!"


	31. If Not For Fear III

**If Not For Fear III**

_Ennis woke up in the tent near dawn. It was that twilight time…not night, not day. He took a moment to get his bearings, listen to his surroundings, let his brain get started. He rolled over and reached for Jack, an automatic thing, but found he wasn't in the bedroll. Fear struck and he tossed the blanket and the bedroll looking for Jack…like there was anywhere for him to hide in such a close space. He scrambled out of the tent stumbling forward, coming to the ground on his knees. Panicking now, he screamed for…_

"JACK!"

Ennis' eyes flew open as he reached across the bed for Jack…but Jack wasn't there. For a moment he panicked as in his dream and jumped up praying that Jack hadn't gone and left.

He rounded the corner of the bedroom heading for the kitchen, when he saw Jack starting to rise from the table responding to Ennis' call. Jack was dressed in his own clothes…Ennis had tried to clean them the best he could…and was holding a cup of coffee…no, not coffee. Ennis saw the whiskey sitting on the table. Jack's eyes were sunken, his skin gray and he held onto the table for support.

"Jack, what are you doing up? What…? Are you okay?" Some of Ennis' panic from the dream had subsided but his concern for the real Jack standing in front of him was rising.

"Yeah, Ennis, I'm fine." He glanced at Ennis once, seeing he only had his pants on, then put his head down quickly looking way.

"You think you should be drinking whiskey after you been so sick?"

"Can't see the harm but thanks for your concern," Jack said curtly. He wouldn't look at Ennis.

"Gimme a second and I'll make some coffee and fix some lunch." Jack didn't answer.

Ennis walked to the bathroom to relieve himself, splash some water on his face and comb his hair. When he was done, he stood holding onto the sink and staring in the mirror. _It was just a dream. It's okay._

He took a deep breath, stopped in the bedroom for a clean shirt, and walked back out to the kitchen tucking it in.

"You sure you're okay, bud?" Jack nodded. Ennis walked over and picked up the whiskey, "Probably had enough of this for right now." Jack chose not to argue.

Ennis made some coffee, passed a cup to Jack. He let it sit for a moment where Ennis had put it, then, pushing his whiskey away, pulled the coffee to him. Ennis, standing at the counter, poured himself a cup of coffee as well.

There was silence for a couple of minutes…each staring at their coffee cups. Ennis started lunch.

"It's good to see you again, Jack." Ennis said quietly with his back to Jack. He had pulled some sausage and eggs from the refrigerator.

Jack looked down and nodded. His hand went to his mouth for a moment and he looked up and away from Ennis. After a minute, he said, "You too, Ennis. It's been a long time." Jack smiled weakly, wrapping both his hands around his cup.

They went silent again for a little while. Ennis brought over the food he had prepared glancing at Jack for a clue to this distance Jack was putting between them.

They ate lunch in silence, all the time Ennis watched Jack, noticing the hunched shoulders and tension throughout his body.

"I appreciate you taking care of me these last few days." Ennis shrugged, Jack looked everywhere but at Ennis. "I don't rightly know how I ended up here," now Jack looked straight at Ennis and with anger held in check said, "but you got your life here and I don't wanna impose, so I'll get outta ya hair…you won't have to put up with me no longer." Jack couldn't look at Ennis any longer, but before he looked away, he saw a sudden rush of confusion and dejection come to Ennis' face. Jack got up to get some more coffee as a reason to get away from the look Ennis was giving him.

Ennis could only stare. He had been holding back questions and feelings since Jack arrived and felt his agitation increasing with the distance that Jack seemed to be putting between them. He got up and started pacing. Jack heard Ennis moving and knew what it meant. He stood holding onto the counter for fear of falling…and fear of Ennis.

"Whattya ya mean, get outta my hair, Jack?" Ennis' mouth had tightened. He tried to keep his voice down. Jack recognized that sign, too. He turned and saw Ennis raise his shoulders, hands rising palm up with them…his "what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about?" posture.

"Why did you come here, Jack? You show up on my doorstep outta nowhere. I ain't seen ya in two and a half years. I thought you…." here Ennis grew embarrassed and quiet, "I mean…I thought you was here 'cause…'cause ya wanted to see me." Ennis' voice caught and he couldn't say any more.

Jack just looked at him. Ennis could see in Jack's face he was working to keep some great emotional turmoil from busting through.

"Like I said, Ennis, I don't rightly know. I been sittin' here trying to remember how I got here…but nothin's real clear. Things been pretty bad for me lately. I don't know why I woulda come here. I'm sorry."

"Jack, are you sayin' you're sorry for being here? That you didn't wanna be here?" Ennis spread his hands.

Jack was becoming more agitated…the rage he had been holding down was beginning to surface. "I don't know, Ennis. I don't know what I'm tryin' to say." Jack had started to get more animated…waving his arms around.

"Last I remember I was at a bar somewhere south of here. That I know. I remember there was a fight..." Jack's hand went to his side. Ennis' gaze followed his hand. That's where the bruises were he had seen that first night. Jack looked straight at Ennis, "and I remember walking…lots of walking. After that, I don't know."

"Jack, why'd you think you wouldn't be welcome here if you was havin' trouble? You found me so that means ya knew where I was. You coulda come anytime. I woulda done anything I could to help." Ennis was trying not to get angry.

Jack looked straight at him and Ennis saw in his eyes the flash of anger that Jack tried to hide but couldn't erase from his voice. Through clenched teeth Jack said, "Because you left me standing there at Signal." Here he jabbed a finger in Ennis' direction. "You turned and walked away to marry Alma, " contempt clear in Jack's voice, "and you left me standing there. The only person in your miserable fucking life who ever cared…the only one who EVER…" here he looked down, "…loved you." Ennis felt lightning strike.

"Why do you think I would never come here, huh, Ennis?" Jack had started to shake. "It was clear you didn't want nothin' more to do with me…that I didn't mean nothin' to you, even after what we had on Brokeback."

"You turned your back and walked away." Jack turned towards the counter and stared down at his coffee.

Ennis didn't answer. He knew what he had done, but to hear it from Jack...well, it was like laying a whip across his back.

"Truth is, Ennis…" here Jack faltered until Ennis thought he might not speak, "I nearly died…" a long hesitation as if he was remembering a painful incident, "I nearly died not havin' you around. I swore I'd never think of you again cause I knew I wouldn't be able to live if I did." Jack covered his eyes with his hand, still shaking. Ennis was in near tears from the pain and anguish in Jack's voice.

"If I had come here and you had sent me away…I…I don't know. I couldn't…" Jack abruptly reached for the counter, "take that…chance." Jack stopped and looked over at Ennis.

Ennis saw Jack's eyes go unfocused as he started to crumple. "JACK!" Ennis jumped and caught him, easing him down to the floor.

"Goddamn…son of a bitch!" Ennis sat there on the kitchen floor holding and rocking Jack. Ennis was too exhausted and emotionally drained at this point to cry, so he just sat there with Jack… stroking his face and talking softly, humming to him and calling him all the pet names he had ever thought to call him but could never bring himself to say out loud.

And realized as he sat there with Jack, that he was one of the biggest reasons for Jack's present condition.

Now his sense of shame, which he usually kept buried as deeply as possible, was surfacing rapidly. And when it broke to the surface it looked right at him and said in a quiet but devastating voice, _You accused him of not looking for you but did you go looking for him? You know that your leaving hurt him, what did you do about it? He might not be like this now if you hadn't been such a coward._

Ennis had no answer to any of that.

He held Jack for a long time before he finally picked him up and put him in bed.

Jack slept for a good while after the kitchen scene. It had begun to worry Ennis that maybe he had pushed him too far. But later in the afternoon, Jack began to stir. Ennis had pulled a chair into the room so he'd be there if Jack needed anything.

Ennis went straight to the bedside, fussing like somebody's grandma. Jack opened his eyes and when he was able to focus caught sight of Ennis. He closed his eyes and tried to turn away from him but Ennis caught his shoulder stopping that motion.

"Jack, you need to drink some water. You been too long without something in ya." Jack relented and drank the water that was offered.

"If you feel okay, I want ya to eat. You need more food in ya. You ain't been eating enough…and who knows how long you went without before you got here." Ennis got up close to Jack's ear, "And ya know, skinny ain't your most flatterin' look, I gotta tell ya." Jack was so caught off guard by this playful comment that he spewed water out of his mouth and all over Ennis as he tried not to laugh.

"Now, damnit, Jack, that was my last clean shirt," Ennis got out as he tried to keep a stern look on his face…failing utterly.

When they had calmed down, Ennis told Jack he had to come to the table to eat because he had spent too much time in bed and needed to get some strength back. If he stayed on his back much longer, it would only make him weaker.

Jack agreed and went with Ennis to sit at the table. Ennis had food ready and they ate in silence. Jack surprised himself and ate more than he thought he'd be able to. Ennis was pleased with his progress.

When they were done, Ennis told Jack that he had to go to town to get some more food and talk to the ranch foreman about his job. Jack put his head down.

"Ennis, I'm sorry. I'm keeping you from work."

"Stop it now. That ain't your concern, ya hear? Don't wanna hear no more about it." Ennis put the dishes in the sink to clean later. He turned around, crossing his arms and legs, and leaned on the sink.

"Are you gonna be okay for a couple of hours?"

Jack didn't look at him but nodded.

"Jack, look at me. Are you gonna be okay until I get back?"

Jack glanced up at the concern in Ennis' voice.

"Yeah, cowboy, I'll be fine." Jack hadn't even realized he had used Ennis' nickname. Ennis was touched to hear Jack say it.

"Good enough, then," he said gruffly. "I'll be back as soon as I can." Ennis walked over to Jack and looked directly in his eyes, "So, I'll see you when I get back." A clear statement, not a question…Jack was not to leave. Jack took a moment knowing what Ennis was saying and nodded.

As Ennis walked by Jack, he laid his hand on Jack's shoulder. Ennis felt Jack's initial response to pull away. It hurt him a little but figured at some point he would find out what was going on.

Ennis bent over and kissed Jack on the top of the head, squeezed his shoulder and went to town.


	32. If Not For Fear IV

**If Not For Fear IV**

Every moment he was away from the house, Ennis worried about Jack. After the things Jack had said earlier, Ennis had reason, he thought, to worry. Jack had gotten sick when he made it to Ennis' house, but hearing Jack's story he knew he hadn't been well for much longer. Ennis' brain would seize up every time he thought of how much pain Jack had been in…how much pain Ennis had helped Jack to be in.

Suddenly, an unbelievably sobering thought ripped through Ennis' brain. He had left the rifle by the door!

He panicked for a moment but kept telling himself that Jack didn't know it was there. He'd never do something like that now. _Please, God, don't let him find that gun_.

His foreman was a whole lot more understanding than Ennis would have credited him with, considering what a bastard the guy could be. He let Ennis have a few more days before he came back to work which should be enough to get Jack on his feet so he could take care of himself while Ennis was gone.

He quickly grabbed some groceries and headed back to the house. The whole way there he kept saying to himself, "You fuckin' better be there, Jack. Please, be there."

As he pulled up to the house, he tried to keep himself in check. If Jack wasn't there, what would he do? If Jack found that rifle…

He walked into the house and saw Jack at the sink. He was standing with his back to Ennis. The whiskey bottle was in plain view on the counter…the level a good bit lower than Ennis remembered it to be.

Ennis' head snapped to the rifle by the door. It hadn't been touched. He quickly pushed it into the closet by the door. He realized he had been sweating when a drop rolled down into one of his eyes.

He called for Jack. Jack turned and leaned against the counter.

"Jack, whiskey ain't what you need to get better…"

Jack interrupted, "Will you leave me alone about the whiskey? I can handle it." Jack turned back to the counter, slugged back the whiskey he had, trying hard not to look directly at Ennis.

Ennis was starting to get pissed off at Jack's attitude. "Fine, Jack Guess I'll go pick up these groceries. You need anything? You hungry? I got all this food now…" Jack shook his head, "Nah. Maybe later."

"How did it go with your work? I didn't mean…" Jack said.

"Jack, I said don't worry about that now. He let me have some time so it ain't no problem. Okay?"

Jack nodded.

Ennis went about picking up the groceries and puttering around the kitchen. He was putting up the last of the cans, his back to Jack, when he felt a light touch on his shoulder. His hand froze where it was, a can of peaches almost placed on the shelf. His breathing grew difficult and little tremors ran through his body. He brought the peaches back down to the counter and slowly turned to Jack.

He caught the look of desperation and need in Jack's eyes before Jack dropped his head and hand.

Ennis' control had rapidly been erased by his own need for Jack. He took two steps to Jack and grabbed his face, locking lips, moaning Jack's name. Jack responded, for a moment, and then panicked trying to get away from Ennis. When Ennis realized Jack was fighting, he let him go and backed up.

"Jack?"

"What am I doing?" Jack cried. "It was so hard…I tried so hard and now…I can't do this all over again…can't!" Jack's voice was rising and he started to back away.

"Jack…" Ennis called.

Jack was running his hands through his hair. He was visibly shaking. "This's gotta be some kinda fuckin' dream. This can't be real…me standing here thinking you would love me." Jack dropped his hands and looked straight at Ennis, "Gotta go, gotta go…I can't stay here." He backed up a couple of steps still looking at Ennis, tears starting to flow.

"God, Ennis, I loved you so much," Jack forced out of a clenched throat. He was holding onto the couch now, weakening rapidly as he continued backing towards the door.

Ennis panicked. "JACK! JACK, NO…" Jack kept walking. "DAMNIT, JACK…DON'T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR…don't you leave me here alone!"

Jack had reached the door and opened it, one hand on the doorknob and one on the frame. It was open enough that he could see outside…a road that would take him to places far from here…his escape route. All he needed to do was step out and go…just take one step.

"Jack, please…stop." Ennis was scrambling now, looking for anything that would keep Jack there. He stepped to the middle of the living room before Jack could turn.

"You said I left because I didn't feel nothin' for you. That ain't true, Jack, not at all. You're all I ever been able to think about since the first time I saw you."

Jack had stopped…hope flared in Ennis.

"At Aguirre's trailer, when you stood by your truck, I felt something stir inside me. Didn't know what it was but you kept at me and kept at me until I felt more…and then I couldn't get enough of you."

Jack had dropped his head, tears falling to the floor…just one step…one step and he'd be away and safe.

Ennis was looking for anything to say…something, anything more…that would keep Jack from leaving. It occurred to him that maybe telling Jack how he really felt would be the something he needed. He stepped to within a couple feet of Jack.

"Up on the mountain, I was happy, Jack…up there with you. I coulda stayed there forever, just you and me. But coming down, I just couldn't see how we could…two men together out here, just couldn't happen. I was scared…afraid someone'd find out…and then you might end up dead, Jack. And I wouldn't be able to live with that."

Jack took one last look outside…then closed the door and turned around. He began sliding down the door to sit at the base, his hand leaving the doorknob to join his other holding his head, his elbows on his knees.

"I never shoulda left you at Signal, Jack, you're right about that. I been carrying the pain a that mistake and every day wishing I coulda changed what I did to you."

Ennis stepped closer to Jack and went down to his knees. "Jack, ya gotta believe me. I didn't leave that day so's I could hurt you. You mean more to me than anyone. But I was scared. I didn't know who I was now that I'd met you. I thought I was doing the right thing…for the both of us"

Jack softly banged his head on the door.

Ennis reached over to put a hand on Jack's arm. "I ain't the same man that left you that day, Jack. I know what I did hurt you and I'm sorry for that." Ennis was straining to keep himself in place, retain some measure of dignity, so he could say what he needed to say to Jack.

Jack had stopped the head banging, slid his legs out straight and placed his hands in his lap.

"You know me, Jack. I don't ask for nothing from nobody, I don't lower myself to no man…but…" here Ennis struggled to get out words he had never said before, "I am begging you...please…don't go…I love you, Jack, and I don't want you to go."

Jack looked at Ennis quietly, silently for a long time. To Ennis it looked like he was calculating something. Then Jack leaned down and placed his head in Ennis' lap. Ennis held him close running his fingers through Jack's hair.

"I'm so tired, Ennis. I'm so tired of trying to forget you." Ennis' throat clenched but he didn't move. "You were the only thing in this world that meant anything to me. And when you walked away, I was left with nothing. I did everything I could to forget you and move on…try to find a life…but nothing worked. I couldn't get myself to stop loving you."

"I got no more strength left, Ennis. No more. I can't fight no more."

Through tears, Ennis said, "You don't have to, rodeo. You don't have to. Let me carry you for awhile, okay? Let me show you things done changed, okay?" Ennis had a hand on Jack's shoulder. Jack reached up to take it.

"I want you to stay, Jack…stay here with me. There ain't nobody in this world for me neither but you. We both been looking at the world wrong and we both been hurting for it."

"Stay here, Jack. Let's you and me talk. Let's get to know each other. I mean, two and a half years have gone by, people can change. Will you give it a shot, rodeo?"

Jack was quiet for a moment, then nodded his head. Ennis could have gotten up and danced.

But the stress of this confrontation was getting to Jack. "Come on, rodeo. We can talk some more about this later."

"Ennis, can I go lay down? I'm awful tired."

"Sure, Jack, whatever you want. C'mon, let's get you up."

When they were both standing, Jack, holding on to Ennis, looked him in the eye for a moment. Then slowly put his arms around Ennis' waist and held him tightly.

"So many times I wanted to do this, Ennis, just to feel you close again." Ennis closed his eyes and held on to Jack promising himself he'd never let him go again.

Jack stepped back. "Can you help me, Ennis? I don't think my legs are gonna hold me up." Ennis took him by the shoulders and walked him to the bedroom. He helped Jack lay down, throwing a blanket over him so he could stay warm. Ennis was headed for the door when Jack called his name.

"Ennis." Ennis walked back and went down to one knee so he'd be eye level with Jack. He saw that Jack was crying softly.

"I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble. I'm sorry I thought so bad about you all this time." Ennis wiped a tear from Jack's cheek.

"Quiet, Jack. There's time to talk about this when you're stronger. You just get some sleep now, okay? You want me to wake you for some dinner later?" Jack agreed and Ennis walked out and went to the kitchen.

He stood at the sink staring out the window at the mountains in the distance, the wind whipping through the grass in the foreground. As he put his head down, tears fell onto the porcelain of the sink. It had been so close. He had nearly lost Jack again.

Thoughts and images of what Jack must have experienced to make him the way he was raced through Ennis' mind. He vowed to himself…and Jack…to do whatever he could to make things right and bring back the Jack he had known on Brokeback…no matter what.

He stepped to the back door, grabbed his jacket and hat and went out to cut some firewood…he was too agitated to stay in the house and there were a lot of things to think about.

He was out there a long time.


	33. If Not For Fear V

**If Not For Fear V**

Ennis had finally come back in the house, tired but feeling better. He had rid himself of some of the anxiety he had been feeling…and now had an abundance of firewood.

He took off his hat and coat and walked into the bedroom to check on Jack. As he bent down to wake him, he saw that Jack's eyes were already open. He could see that Jack had been crying some but appeared to be calm at this time. Ennis took Jack's hand and held it in both of his.

"How ya feelin'?"

"Ya meant all those things you said out there…you lovin' me and wantin' me to stay?" Jack said quietly.

"Yeah, Jack. I did. I come to know all this months after I left Brokeback but never thought I'd ever see you again so's I could tell you." Ennis rubbed Jack's forearm as he said this. Jack closed his eyes and then rolled over, his back to Ennis.

"Then I been a fool and I hurt us both. You ain't nothin' like I been thinkin' you were all this time. I'm ashamed to say that now that I see you here."

Ennis was quiet for a moment, "Well now, Jack, I did my share of hurtin' you all the same. But all that's gone now. You and me, we got a whole new future to look at…if you want." Ennis sat on the side of the bed. Jack didn't answer.

Ennis put one arm over Jack and leaned to whisper in his ear for no one in the world to hear but him, "It's you that makes me happy, rodeo…you're the only one ever has." Ennis kissed the side of Jack's head.

Jack opened his eyes and rolled to look at Ennis. He brought his hand up and cupped the side of Ennis' face, then ran his fingers through Ennis' hair, "How many times I wanted to find you…to be close to you." Jack couldn't say anymore.

Ennis, overcome with emotion, laid his head on Jack's chest and closed his eyes.

"You're here now, bud. No more having to look, okay? Just you and me again."

"You sure you want a fucked-up rodeo cowboy hangin' around? Ya know you got your reputation and all."

Ennis let out a quick laugh at the reference from so long ago on Brokeback and raised his head. "Well…" here Ennis just looked around the room, "I don't think I got much of a reputation to begin with, so goin' down from nothin' ain't much of a drop." Ennis turned to Jack and smiled.

"I missed hearin' you laugh, Ennis. You done more of that since the mountain? Cause ya know, I worked real hard to teach you how." Ennis smiled but a little tear formed and rolled down his cheek.

"Yeah, rodeo, I been laughin'. I didn't forget what I was taught." Ennis wiped away the tear and stood up.

"But right now, we got to fix some dinner and I ain't doin' this alone. You got two good legs, so get your ass up and in the kitchen, son. No lazy loafers in this house." Jack got up slowly and followed Ennis to help with dinner.

Dinner over, they both went to the living room. Jack sat on the couch, Ennis in a chair. Ennis had brought coffee in for both of them. Jack kind of swirled his coffee around and looked at Ennis.

"Ya think I'm feeling good enough to have some whiskey?" Ennis pondered for a moment, then got up and poured them both some in another cup.

They were sitting quietly, the fire going, whiskey easing some of the tension of the past few days. They had been quiet for awhile. Jack gave no sign, but Ennis knew there was something he wanted to say. So he waited.

Jack took a deep breath, let it out, and simply started talking.

"After I left Signal, I went to Lightning Flat to see my parents. Ma was happy to see me…she always is. My Dad…well I done talked to you about him. I was so angry that you had left...I was lookin' for a fight." Jack looked over at Ennis…thankfully Ennis had his head down. It was embarrassing enough to say these things without Ennis looking right at him.

"My Dad and I got into this big, hollerin' match…I'd never talked back to him like I did that day. Ma didn't know what to do. He kicked me out and told me never to come back. Ma cried. I kissed her and told her that old bastard wouldn't keep me from seein' her again and I'd be back someday…it killed me to see the look in her eyes when I left."

"I didn't have no place to go so just headed to a town close by to look for a job. I still had some money from Brokeback, it was only a couple of days, but that wouldn't last long. That job only lasted a few weeks. I got into it with the foreman and he fired me. That kept happenin'…me arguin' and fightin'…gettin' fired…for about a year or so, I guess."

"It was so hard then. All I wanted was to be with you." Jack looked over in time to see Ennis flinch. "I couldn't think of anythin' else but you. At the same time, you was the one person I wanted to just beat on." Jack saw that was difficult for Ennis to take. "I'm sorry, Ennis. I need to get this out. I don't mean to hurt you no more." Ennis looked up for a moment and nodded.

"Anyway, I was out drinkin' one night and met this fella from a rodeo nearby and decided right then, that I'd go back to the rodeo and make some money. No more of this workin' on ranches. I was gonna be a rodeo cowboy again and make lots a money."

"I was stupid and took lots of risks. I rode the biggest and baddest bulls. I guess part of me thought that if I fell and got stomped, that'd be the end of my pain and everythin' would be alright for me then. Well, I didn't get stomped but I did get busted up a bit. Broke legs and arms and ribs. Spent some time in the hospital. Didn't stop me though. Kept goin' right back and doin' it some more. Didn't win too much money, though. Nearly starved."

"Then I met this guy…" quick glance to Ennis, "name a Wade. He was a bull rider too. Met him at a bar after a rodeo we both rode in. I didn't win no money that day so I could only buy a couple of beers. He came over and started talkin' and buyin' me whiskey. We both got real drunk that night." Here Jack stopped for a minute. "I don't need to explain no more about that." Ennis closed his eyes.

"Wade treated me real good…in the beginnin'. But as time went on, he got meaner. Then he started hittin' me. I figured it was what I deserved…I wasn't worth nothin'…so let him. I figured, maybe if he hit me hard enough…But he never did." Jack hung his head.

"Then one day he came home real drunk. He had brought this other guy back with him." Jack's voice broke and he looked away for a little while.

"He told me this other guy was gonna fuck me while he watched. I told him it wasn't gonna happen. He got real mad and hit me. Then they both grabbed me and started takin' my pants off. I fought 'em best I could but there was two of 'em. They took turns holdin' me down while the other one…." Jack went silent. "Every now and then one of 'em would punch me again. I woke up later in the hospital." Jack was having increasing difficulty talking. Ennis' jaw had clenched and tears were falling to the floor.

"The doctor asked me who'd done this and I told him I didn't know…that I got caught outside a bar. Wade was standin' near the bed the whole time. I was real scared of him now so didn't dare say anythin'."

"A couple of days before I was supposed to get out of the hospital, one of the other rodeo cowboys came by to tell me that Wade had died after falling from a bull that turned on him. I don't pray much, Ennis, but I prayed hard that day that he'd go straight to hell…no detours."

"That was about a year ago or so. I thought about you a lot then. Maybe I could come find you, maybe you could help me, be my friend….but all I could hear was you sayin', 'Sorry, can't help you. Married to Alma now.'" Jack's eyes were tearing up now with the memories.

"I got jobs wherever I could. Slept wherever I could. Drank a lot. I been drinkin' pretty much non-stop for the past year. All so I could forget…so I could put Brokeback behind me. But each time I got sober, there it was again."

"I don't remember much about the last year or how I lived through it. Lots a times I'd wake up somewhere not knowin' how I got there. Sometimes it took awhile to remember my own name."

"I know that before I got here the other day, I was at a bar about a hundred miles south of here. I just remember bein' real angry. Part of that I think was because I knew I was so close to you." Jack glanced up at Ennis. "I remember goin' to a bar and gettin' real drunk."

"There was this guy came up and started talkin' to me. I don't remember what he…" Jack looked up suddenly and over at Ennis, "Yes, I do. He was hittin' on me. I didn't want nothin' to do with him…you were so heavy on my mind right then…so I tried to leave." Jack placed a hand on his head. "I remember he got real angry and started shoutin' 'faggot' and stuff like that." Tears started rolling down Jack's face. He placed both hands between his knees.

"I didn't do nothin', Ennis. Nothin'. All I did was drink my whiskey and then try to leave. He followed me outside with some other guys, don't know how many. And caught me up against a truck. They started beatin' on me and screamin' at me. I remember bein' on the ground, gettin' kicked, thinkin' that I was gonna die and never see you again."

"But then all the kickin' stopped and they backed away from me. A cop had shown up…I could see the police car lights flashin' against the building. I was on the other side of the truck so he didn't see me. I got up best I could and ran into the woods right off the property. I stopped near this big tree to hide."

Jack was crying now. Ennis couldn't move at this point, stunned by all that Jack was telling him. He hadn't imagined it could have been this bad.

"Last I can remember of that whole thing, I was sittin' by the tree thinkin' that if you'd been there, you coulda helped me…you woulda stood by me. Maybe if I found you, you'd get them to stop hittin' me."

"After that, things aren't too clear. I don't remember actually decidin' to come here. But then I was walkin' a lot, there were some 18-wheelers. I kinda remember standin' at the sign outside town that said 'Riverton'. It was rainin'. And then I woke up in your bed, not knowin' why I was here."

Both were silent for a minute.

Jack kept looking at Ennis for a sign…any sign…of what he was going to do. Ennis wouldn't raise his head.

Ennis put his drink down, stood up and went into the kitchen. Jack was lost. He didn't know what he needed to do at that moment. Did he need to help Ennis or leave him alone? His decision was made when he heard crying from the kitchen.

Jack got up and went in to see what he could do for Ennis. He walked up behind him but didn't touch him. He wasn't sure what Ennis' reaction would be.

"Ennis?"

Ennis was standing at the sink, his shoulders shaking. Jack reached up to touch his shoulder. Ennis spun catching Jack by the front of his shirt and pulled him close. Jack was caught off guard by Ennis grabbing him but was terrified when he looked up and into Ennis' eyes.

Through clenched teeth Ennis said, "Say, 'Ennis loves me.'"

"What…?"

"SAY IT!" Ennis shouted. Jack could hardly speak.

"Ennis loves me," Jack said softly not trusting his voice to get the words out.

"LOUDER!"

"Ennis loves me," Jack said a little more strongly.

"SAY IT AGAIN!" Ennis shook him once.

"ENNIS LOVES ME!" Jack was shouting now trying to get Ennis' hands off of him.

"DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT, JACK FUCKIN' TWIST!"

Ennis quieted and took Jack's face gently in his hands.

"Don't you EVER forget that I love you. There ain't never been no one else, there ain't never gonna be no one else." Ennis pulled Jack to him hugging him close.

"I will carry to my grave the shame of not being there for you. But I'm here now and you won't ever have to be afraid again, rodeo. No one will ever hurt you again. I'm gonna see to that." Ennis took Jack's face in his hands again.

"I'm gonna stand by you, Jack. You ain't never got to worry again, okay?" Jack closed his eyes.

"Say you'll let me, Jack, please. Say you'll let me take care of you, okay?" Jack reached up and took both of Ennis' hands in his pulling them to his chest.

"If I stay, can we put all this behind us and start again? I can't carry this around no more."

"Yeah, Jack. We'll start fresh, just you and me, okay? I think we got to get to know each other again…but we got time now." They held each other for awhile, both feeling a balance had been struck and the future looked promising.

"You got to get to bed now, Jack, get some more rest. You still ain't okay from all that walking in the rain you did. I'm gonna clean up here and I'll come in and lay with you for awhile a little later, okay?" Jack nodded and looked long in Ennis' eyes before turning and walking to the bed.

Ennis stayed up a good while giving thanks that this near tragedy had been averted and the one and only person in the world he truly loved…and knew down deep loved him…had not walked out the door.


	34. If Not For Fear VI

**If Not For Fear VI**

The next morning, Ennis was trying to climb up from the deep sleep he had needed for days now. He wasn't really aware of where he was so when he opened his eyes and Jack's face was mere inches from his, he was, needless to say, startled.

"Jesus, Jack, what the hell ya doin'?" as Ennis reflexively jumped back to put space between him and Jack.

"Nothin'. Just layin' here lookin' at you." Ennis sat up feeling a little embarrassed that he had been watched while he was sleeping. "Well, don't be doin' that. It's creepy."

Jack only smiled knowing that Ennis took any chance he could get to watch Jack when he was sleeping. How many times Jack had woke up to see Ennis awake and nose to nose with him. Jack didn't think he'd be stopping this anytime soon.

"How long you been awake?" Ennis said rubbing his eyes and face.

"'Bout an hour or so."

"Why didn't you wake me? You gotta get some food in ya. Ya ain't been eating enough."

"Well, Ennis, I was gettin' my fill of you while you was sleepin'. Does that count?"

"Get outta that damn bed, son, and help me cook something."

"Yep, just got one more thing to do, though."

"Yeah, and what's that?" Jack reached up and pulled Ennis down by his arm. Rolling on top of him, he looked deep into Ennis' eyes for a moment.

"Jack, whattya…" But Jack cut him off by kissing him long and slow. Ennis who had been making the greatest of efforts to restrain himself this whole time Jack was sick couldn't maintain any longer and wrapped his arms around Jack real tight and made sure he did everything he could to uphold his side of this kissing episode.

When they both finally came up for air, Jack looked at Ennis and quietly, softly said, "I have missed you somethin' awful Ennis del Mar. Somethin' awful."

"No more, Jack. You ain't never gonna be away from me long enough to ever miss me again, ya hear? I promise that, rodeo. Never again, okay?"

Jack just nodded. And because he was feeling a lot better, though not 100, he reached down quickly before Ennis could respond and grabbed Ennis' very prominent erection.

With a hissing of air between his teeth, an arching of his back, and a muttered "Jeezzus," Ennis grabbed for the headboard and stiffened more than where Jack had his hand.

In something between a groan and plea, Ennis said, "Ja..Jack…"

"Hey, cowboy, look what I found…" Jack quietly announced.

Ennis' head snapped down to look at Jack and through gritted teeth and slit lips, "You fuckin' better not be foolin' here, Jack Fuckin' Twist!"

Jack laughed for a second and then smiled and said gently, "It's okay, cowboy…if we take it easy, alright?" A tear came to Ennis' eye and he grabbed Jack's face to kiss him again.

With Ennis playing nursemaid, Jack got better in just a short time. He still had periods of darkness and depression that would descend without notice. Ennis would then find him off at the border of the property just walking, sitting on the back porch crying or, sometimes passed out from drinking all day, though with Ennis there for Jack now, the need to keep drinking was easing up.

Occasionally the old, volatile feelings Jack had for Ennis would surface and they'd fight. Ennis was not immune to shouting and pointing out Jack's faults but he was determined that Jack was going to stay. So he'd work to calm himself and Jack down, ease the anger and resentment so they could talk more.

On Jack's part, he continued to make effort to grasp and understand that Ennis loved him…something he had known with certainty for a long time couldn't be true.

One evening, the sun just setting, about two weeks after Jack had so dramatically shown up at Ennis', there was a knock at the door. Jack looked at Ennis a little startled, a little curious. Jack had noticed that no one had come by Ennis' house since he had arrived.

As always, over-cautious Ennis had his rifle handy just in case. He wasn't concerned anymore that Jack knew it was there.

He opened the door to find Sheriff Parker standing there, beer in hand. It had been some time since the Sheriff had dropped by and both men were actually pleased to see the other.

"Sheriff Parker."

"Hey, Ennis. In the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by, see if ya wanted a beer. And I keep telling ya that J.D. will do just fine. Don't need all that Sheriff stuff."

"Sure thing, Sheriff." Ennis turned to Jack, "This here's Jack Twist. He's a real good friend a mine come by to visit. But I suspect he's gonna stay awhile, get a job," here Ennis looked sharply, but with humor, at Jack, "quit with this freeloading."

Jack shot Ennis a glance just as sharp and humorous but was clearly nervous with a lawman standing so close. Jack stepped forward to shake the Sheriff's hand, "Pleased to meet ya."

"Well, Ennis, I'm right impressed that you actually gotta friend to begin with, tight-lipped cowboy that you are." Here he turned to Jack, "Where ya comin' in from, son?"

Jack looked over at Ennis pleading for help. Ennis picked up the conversation, "Jack's been rodeoing down south a here. Banged himself up pretty good though, so he's looking to get outta bull riding." Jack looked down at the floor relieved.

"Well, son, if you don't mind workin' hard, I know a rancher …Dan Westbrook over at the Double A…looking for a couple a good men. Just heard about it a day or so ago. Pay's pretty good, too. Dan's an honest and fair boss. Known him a long time." J.D. turned to Ennis, "Ya know, Ennis. Wouldn't hurt for you to check into this yourself. You and your friend here could hire on together. I know it'd be a better job than the one you got now."

Ennis looked over at Jack, unspoken words flying between them. If he could get a job where he could watch over Jack…well, they'd have to talk about this.

"Thank you, Sheriff. I've heard of the Double A. Sounds like a good deal just been dropped on us, huh, Jack?"

Jack smiled. It would be a good deal if he could work with Ennis. He was picking up the old attachment to Ennis and wanted him near most of the time now.

"Well, you guys talk it over. Let me know tomorrow what you decide. Would hate to see these spots go to some stiffs who can't appreciate 'em." Ennis and Jack both nodded. "So, how's about a beer?"

Sheriff J.D. Parker. The Sheriff had been patrolling this part of Wyoming for nearly ten years now. He was coming up on 37 years old. A lot like Ennis, he kept his personal life to himself, typically said only what needed to be said, and was known as an honest and decent man. He'd go out of his way to help anyone who needed it and out of his way to keep those in his jurisdiction safe.

He was not married and no one was really sure if he had ever been. He was well-liked and many people knew him by name and sight, but there were very few he called friend. Strangely, Ennis was one of them despite the age and occupational difference.

He was a little shorter than Ennis and Jack but where they were wiry from youth and hard work, J.D. was stockier, thicker. A few of the guys he had apprehended had made the mistake of trying to stand toe-to-toe with him…they didn't stand long. Guess the Golden Gloves boxing and State Champion wrestling he had done when he was younger had something to do with it.

And…like all people…he had his secrets and pains from the past.

They all went out on the porch…Sheriff Parker taking the beer and Ennis grabbing the whiskey and some glasses. Sheriff and Jack sat in the chairs, Ennis leaned against the house.

Casual conversation ensued, Sheriff looking to find out more about Jack.

"You boys known each other long?" Ennis and Jack exchanged glances.

"Not so long, no," Ennis said. Sheriff Parker watched the interaction of the two.

"You from around here, Jack?"

"No, sir, my folks are over in Lightning Flat." Jack was clearly nervous.

"Know where that is. Not much out that way. Must a been a might lonely growing up there."

"Yessir, it was for sure. There was only one other boy near my age to play with and he was a ways down the road so didn't see him often. Pretty much just me and my parents."

This went on for a little while. Sheriff noticing the glances and looks going on between Ennis and Jack…and recognizing their significance. But it was late and Sheriff needed to head on back to town.

"Well, boys, gotta run. Jack, it was a pleasure to meet you. I hope you enjoy our bit of God's earth up here."

"Good to meet you too, Sheriff. Thanks for the beer."

"No problem, Jack. Ennis, you go over to Dan's and tell him I sent you. I'll give him a call tomorrow to let him know that you're coming."

"Thanks, Sheriff, I'll do that. Appreciate you thinking of us."

"No problem, Ennis. You boys stay out of trouble, okay?"

Jack and Ennis stood on the porch and watched Sheriff drive away.

"Seems like a nice guy, but makes me real nervous having a lawman around that close," said Jack.

"He's a good man, Jack. Wouldn't drink with him if he weren't. No need to worry about him."

"I hear ya, Ennis, just makes me antsy." Ennis could understand given Jack's history over the last two years.

Ennis stood up, stretching and yawning dramatically…a sly glance to Jack. "It's late, rodeo. Work comes early. Time to get to bed."

"I'm right behind ya, cowboy." As Ennis turned, Jack put his hand on Ennis' shoulder and walked in with him…while his hand crept slowly south of Ennis' belt. Ennis smiled to himself feeling his world coming together.


	35. If Not For Fear VII

**If Not For Fear VII**

"Hot damn, Ennis, we done got ourselves a job…and a good one at that! And more money than I ever made!" Jack was jumping and cavorting, yammering on and on. Ennis, as usual, wasn't going to show much of anything but he was just as excited as Jack and was working to keep a full-fledged smile from coming to his lips. Jack was right. The pay here was good and, over time, would let them improve their living condition quite a bit.

Sheriff had been right. Dan was a good man, fair and honest. He had greeted Jack and Ennis like men rather than dirt, looking them straight in the eye and shaking their hands when they were done. The Double A was a well-run operation and Ennis was looking forward to working there…that and working with Jack so he could keep an eye on him.

They were at home now. Their interview with Dan taken place after Ennis got off work. Jack squatted down by Ennis who was sitting in the living room chair.

"Hey, Ennis. How about we go celebrate at the diner. Get us a meal outta the house, huh? Whattya think? This is the best news you and I done got in a long time, huh, Ennis? Come on, cowboy…whattya say?"

Ennis' first reaction was to clam up and retreat knowing that he'd have to go out in public with Jack and "what's all those people gonna think?" But Jack was persistent and had turned on Ennis one of his most powerful weapons – those deep blue eyes and that pouting mouth. Each by themselves was enough to drop Ennis where he stood, but together were devastating and blew away any defenses he had. He knew of course that Jack would get his way, but for his own self-esteem and to maintain his manly standing in front of Jack, he had to show he fought some before giving in.

"Now, Jack, you know we can't afford to be going out and spending that kinda money." Ennis tried not to look at Jack. "And we ain't gonna get paid for a little while yet, so what are we gonna do for food in the meantime?"

Jack's lips pouted just a fraction more…his eyes saddened just a smidgin.

Ennis was crumbling fast but needed to hold out just a little bit more. Part of him felt he was right. There were other things to put that money on but the ever-growing other part of him could only chuckle at Jack's efforts and how skillfully Jack knew how to play him. Ennis risked one glance at Jack.

"Damnit, Jack, now ya know how I am when ya get me around lotsa people. I ain't gonna be no kinda company putting me in that diner like that."

"But, Ennis," Jack said quietly moving a little closer to Ennis, hands in all the right places.

Ennis turned to look at Jack again and that's when Jack hooked him. Ennis was trapped like a fly on flypaper. He couldn't look away from those needy, blue eyes or move away from the body that went with them. Ennis knew it was over…that he had lost from the moment Jack looked up at him. Right about now, he'd give Jack the world if he asked for it.

"Alright, alright, we'll go to the damn diner, ya happy? Anything to keep you from moping around this place like some kinda baby." All this said with a slight smile on Ennis' face and absolutely no conviction behind it. Jack smiled real big, causing Ennis to go weak in the knees.

"Woohoo, we're goin' out on the town!" Jack leaned forward quickly and kissed Ennis. "I'm gonna go get a clean shirt and then we can get outta here." Ennis just stood there, hoping that the tightness in his nether regions would ease before they got to the diner. His hopes were dashed when Jack yelled from the room, "Hey, Ennis, we got anything here at the house for dessert when we get back?"

Ennis' mind was on his own predicament so didn't really catch what Jack was saying. "Don't think so, Jack."

"Well, then, I guess I could be creative with that honey you got in the kitchen. That'd be okay with you, Ennis?"

Ennis shot up so fast from his chair he got dizzy. His ears were turning red, a drop of sweat rolling down his forehead.

In the room, Jack suddenly found an arm around his waist that hadn't been there a moment before. He yelped once as he was picked up and dropped on the bed. Looking up he saw Ennis breathing heavy, eyes glazing over, "I think I'll have my dessert before dinner."

They did go to the diner, but it was much later than they had planned.

Sheriff Parker drove around the territory he was responsible for…aimlessly, his mind far away from his duties. He had been distracted since leaving Ennis and Jack the night before.

"I ain't believin' this. Just good friends, my ass. Damnit, they're in love…plain as the nose on my face. I never thought Ennis…I mean, who would ever have thought…" J.D.'s fingers were nervously tapping on the steering wheel.

"What the hell am I supposed to do about this now?"

Things had been going real good at the ranch for Jack and Ennis. Ennis had been assigned to the horses…of which there were many…which made him happier than a pig in slop. Dan found out that Jack was kinda good with numbers and put him to watching inventory and such. Counting this and that. Jack was fine with that since he'd had shit jobs for so long and thought this was a real step up in the world.

One day after Ennis and Jack got home, Ennis said he had to leave to take care of something and would be back soon. Jack tried to question him on where he was going, but Ennis was evasive and wouldn't give Jack a straight answer. When Jack continued to push, Ennis just told him he'd be back as soon as he could and stormed out.

A couple of hours later, Jack heard the screen door slam knowing of course it was Ennis returning. He was in the kitchen peeling potatoes for dinner and had his back to Ennis.

"Jack." Jack didn't respond. "Come see, Jack, I got something for you." Jack still didn't turn around. "Look, Jack, I'm sorry for leaving like I did. I had something I had to do. Will you come here for a minute."

"No."

"Come on, Jack, now don't be like that." Ennis walked into the kitchen closer to Jack. "I really do have something for ya. Wanna see?" Jack put down his potatoes but didn't turn around. "No call for you to have to treat me like that, Ennis." Ennis agreed and stepped right behind Jack.

"I'm sorry, Jack, I really am." Ennis took the puppy out of his jacket where he had been keeping it warm. "I won't do it again." He put the puppy's nose up against Jack's neck. Jack waved Ennis away,"Go on, Ennis, you ain't getting nothing right now. I'm still mad at ya." Ennis smiled. Then the puppy barked a little puppy bark. Jack spun around.

"Ennis….what's this?" Jack whispered, clearly surprised.

"I got you something, Jack. I remembered that little heeler you kept in your jacket when we was up on Brokeback. I thought…maybe…"

Jack's eyes got moist as he looked from the dog to Ennis and back. "He's mine? You got me my own dog, Ennis?" To Ennis' eyes, Jack started to shine, his excitement for the puppy starting to show.

"I'm sorry I jumped on ya earlier. Ya wouldn't let up on me and I hadn't thought of some kinda excuse to give ya. I didn't wanna tell you what I was going to do." Ennis' heart was swelling seeing Jack so happy.

"I gotta dog!" Jack had taken the puppy and was walking around now talking baby talk to him, holding him close. Ennis couldn't have been more happy with the result of his efforts.

Jack had put the dog down and was crawling on the kitchen floor with him. He looked like a little boy who had just been given a great treasure.

"You like him, Jack?"

"Like him? Ennis, I love him. I don't know what to say. The fact you remembered that little dog on Brokeback…" Jack was at a loss.

"He's a real heeler, Jack. I did a favor for this guy and he let me have the runt of the litter since they're real expensive. He won't be the biggest dog out there but he'll sure be the scrappiest."

"Whattya gonna name him?" Ennis asked.

Jack looked into the distance for a little then said, "Buck. When I was a boy, I read a book…

"You read a book?" Ennis poked at Jack.

"Yeah, asshole. It was a great book. I had to hide it because my pa thought that if you had time to read, you had time to work. _Call of the Wild_…that was the name of it. There's a dog in there and his name was Buck. I thought that if I ever had a dog, that's what I'd name him."

"Seems like a good name for a dog."

Jack looked up at Ennis, his blue eyes and smile dazzling Ennis, "Thank you. This means a lot to me. You don't know. I always wanted a dog but my daddy wouldn't have it."

"Well, now ya got one, Jack. You make sure you teach him to do his business outside. I don't want no dog peeing in the house."

"You got it, cowboy." Jack smiled and turned to Buck. He picked him up and held him high.

"Ya hear that Bucky boy, you're my very own puppy dog."

Ennis turned around to the sink to hide the tear that had rolled down his cheek.


	36. If Not For Fear VIII

It had been six months since J.D. had been to Ennis', met Jack and passed on the information about the ranch jobs. In that time, he'd dropped by the house twice but had been so nervous and agitated that he hadn't stayed long. "Hey, you boys doing alright? Job good? No thanks, no beer right now…uhhh…got work to do. Gotta be running. So…okay…uh…You guys take care." And he was outta there.

"Damn, why can't I just ask what I need to ask, say what I need to say." J.D. was not having an easy time with this. He made a resolution to sit down with Ennis and Jack and get this over with…soon…maybe next week…when the time is right…yeah, that's it.

Buck was getting bigger every day. Ennis had originally felt he wasn't going to get very big since he was the runt but he was wrong. Buck was rapidly approaching full-size heeler status. And he was very smart. Jack had to watch him carefully and constantly because there was no telling what kind of mischief he might get into.

Today, Jack was out in the front yard with Buck playing fetch with a stick. Ennis was sitting on the chair on the porch drinking coffee. He enjoyed this time because he got to watch Jack run around and yell and holler and laugh…a side of Jack he found particularly endearing.

Jack had the stick and was running back and forth teasing Buck. When he went to throw it, Buck jumped at him, bumping him…actually, he nearly ran him over…and Jack's throw went wild. Buck took off to get it. Unfortunately for all concerned, it landed in Ennis' lap startling him. When he looked up, there was an airborne blue heeler headed his direction.

Buck caught Ennis full force in the chest and he, Ennis and the chair went flying backwards tossing Ennis onto the front porch spilling his coffee all over the clean shirt he had just put on.. Ennis had only had time to utter the first two letters of a cuss word.

Buck quietly picked up the stick and walked away depositing it at Jack's feet.

Jack froze, rooted where he stood, his jaw dropped. Ennis had picked up the thread of his cussing and now was in full sway.

Jack felt it coming and tried to hold it back but was completely overwhelmed. He started to laugh.

"Goddamn, Jack, what…what the hell were you thinking? You made me spill my coffee! And that shit was hot, too!"

Jack tried to tell him that he did it by mistake but couldn't get the words out he was laughing so hard. He went to his knees when he couldn't stand any longer followed shortly by falling to the ground and rolling over on his back.

"Fucking Twist and his goddamn dog." Ennis was trying to right himself and the chair. "Buck! What the hell is your problem, dog?" Jack could barely breathe.

"Go ahead and laugh, Jack Fucking Twist! Go ahead! You think this is funny, huh?" All Jack could do was nod and continue laughing. Buck just sat next to Jack like nothing much was happening…tongue hanging out of his mouth.

"And I just put this fucking shirt on. Damnit, Jack…." and on and on as he stormed into the house to clean up and try another shirt.

Jack reached over, pulled Buck to him and rolled around on the ground with him for a little while trying his best now to stop laughing. He was only partially successful.

A little while later, Jack came into the house with Buck. Ennis was sitting on the couch, his back to the door, his chin in his hand.

"Ennis…" Ennis didn't answer.

"Ennis, I'm sorry, cowboy. I didn't mean to throw that stick at you like that. Buck bumped me…it was a bad toss." Here a chuckle escaped Jack's lips before he could catch it.

"Fuck you, Jack."

"Come on, Ennis, I'm sorry. Even Buck here is sorry. Ain't ya boy?" Jack had squatted down next to Buck. "You're real sorry, huh, Buck. I know you are. How about you go tell Daddy Ennis how sorry you are, huh. Go on."

Ennis shot a glance in their direction. Buck had lowered his belly to the ground, head down and was shuffling over to Ennis. Ennis didn't look right at him but could see him out of the corner of his eye.

Buck got over to Ennis and shuffled in front of him looking up with sad puppy dog eyes. Ennis was trying to ignore him. Buck got up and stepped towards Ennis, shoved his nose between Ennis knees and pushed his head up to lay it in Ennis' lap. Ennis just put his face into his hand, knowing he had been suckered out of the bad mood he wanted to be in.

"Alright, alright," as he petted Buck on the head, "but Daddy Jack," here Ennis shot Jack a look, "is still on my shit list." Buck raised his head, tongue hanging out, happy to hear Ennis had forgiven him.

Jack had this big smile on his face and walked over to the back of the couch. He layed his arms over Ennis' shoulders, clasping his hands on Ennis' chest, nuzzling the curve of his neck.

"I'm sorry, cowboy. It really was an accident. You ain't hurt are ya?"

"Well…," Ennis said like a little kid.

"Can I kiss it where it hurts and make it feel all better?" Jack felt the immediate shiver that went through Ennis' body, the sudden intake of breath.

In a small voice, Ennis said, "Well, it kinda hurts here,"…a kiss…"and here,"…another kiss…"and a little over here." Jack smiled, glad to ease his man's pain…real or imagined.

It was just Jack and Buck home that Saturday when J.D. came by. Ennis was taking care of one of the horses at the ranch that a new ranch hand, out of ignorance, had hurt. When Ennis had heard what had happened, he had stormed over to stomp on the head of the guy that had hurt one of his babies…which is how he had come to think of these horses. Luckily the guy wasn't there.

Jack had been outside sitting on the front porch which had just been roofed…one of a number of things that had been done to the house now that there was good money coming in. He had just finished playing fetch with Buck and was sitting down enjoying a beer.

J.D. drove up in his cruiser but was dressed in civilian clothes when he got out. Jack didn't know J.D. that well since he hadn't met him but a couple of times, but he could tell something was wrong by the set of his shoulders, the way he walked, the way he looked everywhere but at Jack. He knew J.D. was upset over something.

"Hey, J.D., what brings you out this way?"

"Hey, Jack," J.D. said absently. "In the neighborhood, just thought I'd drop in. Where's Ennis?"

"He's out at the ranch. One of the new ranch hands apparently didn't know much about horses and hurt one of 'em. He went out there to check on her, see if there was any damage and such. You wanna beer?"

"Sounds good. You don't mind some company? I ain't interruptin' nothin' am I?"

"Nah, sit down. Just finished playing with Buck and was resting up some. I'll be right back."

J.D. sat down trying to stay calm, twisting his hands, looking down at his shoes. _Damn, hoped that Ennis would be here, too. Know him better. But he's kinda closed up. Don't know how much I'd get out of him. Jack, I don't know so well, but at least he'll talk._

Jack came back out. "Here ya go." J.D. took the beer, drank some and put it down by his seat.

J.D. was quiet. Jack didn't think a conversation would start if he didn't start it.

"So, J.D., what's up? You doing okay?"

J.D. didn't lift his head. Jack could see J.D.'s hands shaking. Jack moved his chair a little closer.

"J.D. what's the matter? This ain't like you to be so quiet."

J.D. looked up at Jack, his eyes moist. Jack couldn't figure out what J.D. was feeling and this made him kinda nervous.

"Jack, you and Ennis…you guys known each other for awhile, right? You guys are pretty close?"

Jack felt a twinge of apprehension shoot threw him.

"Uh, well, J.D., yeah, I guess."

"I mean, uh, you guys are living in the same house here. You're always together." J.D. shot a glance at Jack, saw his discomfort. He stood and walked a couple of steps away.

"Ya know, people might think there was more going on here than just a couple of friends." J.D.'s voice was shaking.

Jack stood. Buck stood feeling Jack's distress.

"Don't know that this is any of your business, J.D. Me and Ennis…"

"The two of you…I need to know…you…are you guys queer?"

Jack's eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched, his fists tightened, "There ain't no call for this…" J.D. spun on Jack.

"I NEED TO KNOW, DAMNIT!" Jack went still and quiet inside. He stepped once toward J.D.

"You got a need to let out some hate, J.D.? You gonna need to beat on me, take a tire iron to me….kill me? You don't look like the type. But you're a lawman so's I figure you'd get away with it. "

J.D. just looked at him…stunned. This wasn't the way he had wanted this to turn out. His desperation had gotten to him. He had lost his head and caused Jack to get defensive.

Jack was waiting. Buck was barking. Jack was saying goodbye to Ennis in case he never saw him again.

Tears had started to flow down J.D.'s cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I ain't here to hurt ya, I promise. I just need to know. I ain't talked to no one in…it's been so long and I ain't had a chance…" J.D. started crying softly.

Jack's tension started to fade leaving him weak. He sat down.

"J.D., sit down, okay. Come on, you're gonna fall over. Just sit down."

J.D. sat. Holding his head in his hands.

"J.D., don't you move, okay? I'm gonna go get us some whiskey. I'll be right back. Buck you come on inside." Jack took Buck with him and walked to the kitchen. He stood at the counter for a moment, taking deep breaths, letting the fear fade from him. When he could, he reached up and took the whiskey and two glasses down and walked out to sit with J.D.

"Here ya go. Here, drink this." Jack handed him a glass of the whiskey. J.D. sat, catching Jack's eye for a moment. Jack could see the desperation and apology there. J.D. downed his shot.

"Jack, I'm sorry…I didn't mean…"

"It's okay, J.D. I can see something's bothering you awful fierce. You wanna talk about it? Would it help?"

J.D. looked over at Jack for a moment, looked down at his feet, looked around everywhere else. When he looked back at Jack, a slight smile came to his face along with a nod of thanks.

"His name was Nathan…"


	37. If Not For Fear IX

J.D. sat for a moment, embarrassed that he had pushed so hard on Jack…and without any warning or real reason. Just drop in and scare the hell out of him. He had seen Jack's face and knew that he was preparing for a beating…or worse. That sight had brought his control back and the fear and need inside of him eased some.

Jack had asked him if he wanted to talk. This was a good man Ennis had to offer to help after such a scare. J.D. felt ashamed hat he had treated him so roughly.

This was J.D.'s first chance to talk with someone, so taking a deep breath, he started.

"His name was Nathan…" J.D. looked up to see Jack's eyes snap to his. _Likely the last thing he expected me to say,_ thought J.D.

J.D. swirled the whiskey in his glass, downed it and placed the glass by his chair. He took another deep breath not believing he finally had the chance to tell the story.

"Nathan McAlister. Most people called him Nate."

They had met when J.D. had helped Nathan out of a bad situation at school. Nathan had just moved to the area, a high school senior, and was of course being pushed around and beaten on by the school bullies. J.D. saw this as he was walking home from school.

J.D. kept himself pretty aloof most of the time and would not normally intervene unless something really bad was happening but was brought to a halt, frozen where he stood, when he looked at who they were beating on.

He saw three of the school bullies led by Jesse the school bad ass. They had Nathan down on the ground, the occasional kick coinciding with the verbal assault. It was when Nathan looked up catching his eye that caused J.D. to stop.

Nathan's eyes were so dark brown they appeared black…which matched his slightly wavy hair. He had fair skin which showed off his eyes and hair even more, high cheekbones, red lips, slight shadow of a beard. There was blood on the right side of his chin and a bruise over his right eye. All these supplied an image which ran through J.D.'s body like electricity.

J.D. looked at Nathan with confusion. He knew that he had never seen him before but couldn't shake the immediate recognition of Nathan as someone he knew and knew well...a recognition of a closeness and intimacy that had J.D. shaking. Those dark eyes were pleading with him for help and J.D. found the need to protect Nathan overwhelming all thought.

Nathan looked up and saw J.D….the reddish-blond hair, the stocky build…the shock and confusion on his face. As with J.D., there was the instant recognition of their bond. Nathan recognized also the protector he had always known should be there…but hadn't been…the one he could lean on for safety and comfort. He was blinded by the vision of his need made manifest.

"JESSE," J.D. shouted, "get the hell away from him." Jesse turned toward J.D. with a sneer. "Hey, J.D. You here to get a piece of this…?"

"I said get away from him," quiet menace now evident in his tone. J.D. watched Jesse's face take on an expression of glee that now he would have someone else to kick around. J.D. was standing only a couple of feet away.

Jesse slid his eyes slowly from J.D. down to Nathan and started to raise his foot to kick Nathan again. He never made it. J.D. charged Jesse who was standing nearest to him, slamming a right into his jaw, a left to the stomach sending him sprawling. The other two bullies backed away being the cowards they were. Jesse lay there partially conscious, bleeding from his left cheekbone.

J.D. was shaking from the adrenaline of the fight but also from the mysterious but continued need to save and protect this man he knew but had never seen. A hand was laid gently on his shoulder and he instantly calmed feeling as if that hand was supposed to be there…a part of him…had always been there.

J.D. looked up to see those dark eyes staring at him quietly. He was holding his side, clearly in pain and having difficulty standing. J.D. stood placing himself between Nathan and Jesse.

Jesse went to stand up, J.D. dropped to one knee and caught him by the collar before Jesse could finish the motion, "If I ever catch you near him again, you'll wish this is all I do to you." J.D. watched as Jesse started to smile but then that smile evaporated as Jesse saw J.D. was completely serious.

Jesse shook J.D.'s hand off of him and stood up, casting only one glance of contempt at Nathan before he walked off. The other two slunk off behind him.

J.D. turned, "Hey…uh…you okay?". Nathan looked at him. There were those eyes again, those lips. J.D. felt light-headed. All he could feel was that he had met once again someone he had known for a long time.

Nathan could barely speak looking at his dream standing before him. "Can you help me? I think they broke a rib." His voice was soft but clear, articulate. His face showed clearly the pain he was suffering.

J.D. was reaching for Nathan to help him when Nathan took J.D.'s hand. "You're bleeding." J.D. looked at his hand where he had broken the skin over a knuckle…trembling once again from the contact.

"It's…nothing, really. I'm okay." J.D. was sweating with the need to take Nathan and hold him close to ease his pain. Nathan looked up shyly at J.D., also overcome by the contact.

Composing himself Nathan put his left arm around J.D.'s neck. J.D. put his right arm around Nathan's back and under his arm to take his weight. Nathan gasped once as he got up reaching for his left side…the blood on Nathan's face causing anger to rise again in J.D.

"What's your name? Do you live close by?" J.D.'s continued need to protect Nathan ran strong.

"Nathan. Nathan McAlister. And no. I live on the other side of town." J.D. thought for a moment.

"Come on to my house. It's just around the block. We can clean you up there and you can call your folks."

"I don't want to be a bother…uh…"

"J.D….Parker. Can you make it? My mom's home, she can help."

"Thank you, J.D….for stepping in like that. I'm sure they weren't finished having their fun." Nathan's voice was strained from the pain but didn't seem to carry any antagonism towards the other boys. J.D. could feel Nathan trembling…just as he was.

"It's no problem…um…Nathan. You just hold on, we're almost there."

Once J.D. got Nathan inside, he called for his mother, who, seeing Nathan's condition had J.D. bring him straight to the kitchen. She wiped away the blood and cleaned the cuts. When J.D. told her he might have broken a rib, she had Nathan take off his shirt to check.

When J.D. saw the expanse of chest and flat stomach, he started shaking inside. He tried to look away but couldn't. Nathan looked up at him, embarrassed, causing J.D. to blush.

His mother tore long strips from an old sheet and used these to bind his ribs to help ease the pain when he moved. Nathan thanked her for her help. J.D.'s mother got them each some water and suggested Nathan call his family.

"How…uh…how ya feeling?" J.D. could only stammer out the words.

Nathan, putting his shirt back on, turned his eyes up to J.D., "Where did you learn to fight like that?" Nathan asked.

"I been boxing for awhile now," J.D. said embarrassed.

"You were really good. I've never seen someone move so fast." Nathan was looking directly at J.D. who blushed again at the compliment. He lowered his head to look at his feet. Nathan saw this.

"I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did, J.D. No one's ever really stood up for me like that before." Nathan kept looking at J.D. and J.D. kept blushing.

"Well, it ain't nothin', Nathan…"

"I won't forget it, J.D., what you did for me today." Nathan reached his hand out. J.D. shook it feeling a shock run through him at the contact, once again that awareness that these hands were supposed to be together. Nathan looked away not able to contain his feelings as he looked at J.D.

Nathan called his parents to let them know where he was and what had happened. His father showed up a little later. J.D. noticed that Nathan's father said nothing to him nor looked in his direction. They drove off in silence, Nathan sparing one last look of need at J.D. wanting only to jump from the car and run back to him.

J.D. caught himself taking an instinctive step in Nathan's direction, still feeling the need to protect him without knowing why.

J.D. sat on the steps of his porch for a long time after Nathan left, the anger and protectiveness fading, a slight trembling of desire? need? hope? running through his body…still trying to figure out what had just happened…why he should feel that he knew Nathan so intensely.

J.D. knew that he felt something for other guys. Wasn't sure what but he knew he liked hanging around with 'em. There had been those few times with his friend Fred long ago…a little contact…a little exploring. He'd like what they had done but nothing had happened with anyone since then.

He knew that there was more to his high school wrestling classes with the boys than winning…there was the contact and sweaty bodies... But he kept these thoughts and feelings down. He had dated a couple of girls but never felt comfortable, couldn't relate to them and always felt awkward never knowing what to say or how to act. This didn't happen when he was with his friends.

J.D. couldn't figure out these feelings that rose when he saw Nathan but they were too strong to forget either. All he could see as he walked back inside was Nathan lying on the ground, blood on his chin. All he could feel was that he knew this man as he knew no other, that it was for him to protect Nathan, that Nathan should never have to hurt again.


	38. IF Not For Fear X

Jack poured J.D. another whiskey trying not to let him see the utter amazement he was feeling over this revelation. Jack wanted so bad to ask questions…his normal chatterbox mode stifled by this man's obvious pain. He knew though that this was J.D.'s time and shouldn't interrupt.

A few days had gone by and J.D. had only seen Nathan once at school. J.D. had been going to class and, looking up, saw Nathan some distance away. Nathan had looked up about the same time and stopped, staring at J.D. They both stood for a moment…still. Nathan looked toward the building he had been walking toward and then back at J.D., clearly torn. The decision was made when the school bell rang. Nathan stole one last glance at J.D., clearly unhappy that he had to go to class. He raised his hand slightly to wave and then turned to walk to class.

Then one Saturday there was a knock at the door. J.D.'s mom answered and called J.D. to let him know a friend was waiting.

As J.D. rounded the stairs coming down to the living room, he stopped, surprised. There was Nathan standing in profile looking at family pictures on the wall, hands in his pockets, his demeanor calm but with a tension surrounding him.

J.D. realized he had been holding his breath, one foot preparing to take a step. He found everything else but the sight of Nathan disappearing from his vision. A thought surfaced…he had never seen anything animate or inanimate that was this beautiful.

Before J.D. could move, Nathan turned slowly seeing J.D. frozen on the stairs. Nathan locked eyes with J.D., thinking how handsome he looked, and slowly smiled at him. J.D.'s knees went weak and his throat closed up.

"Hey, J.D. Hope I'm not intruding. I was just…um…in the neighborhood." Nathan had taken his hands out of his pockets and crossed them over his chest showing some nervousness.

"Nathan…" J.D. stammered out.

"I can…uh…come back some other time if you're busy," Nathan said looking at the door then back since J.D. wasn't moving or speaking.

"No…no," J.D. said putting his hand out as if to stop Nathan, "um…I was just studying." J.D. was clearly nervous and ran his fingers through his hair. "How are ya? I mean, the ribs and all."

Nathan shrugged. "I'm fine…thanks to you." Nathan looked down breaking eye contact. Now that J.D. was no longer paralyzed by Nathan's gaze, he stepped into the room and closer to Nathan.

Both now stuffed their hands in their pockets trying to ease their embarrassment. Neither could look at the other.

"What are you studying, J.D.?"

"Ugh, math. I hate it. I just don't do too good at it. Never have."

Nathan looked at J.D. and said quickly, "I could help you with it. It's one of my strongest subjects…I mean, if you want."

"Yeah, that'd be great."

They went to J.D.'s room, Nathan looking around at the things J.D. had laying around. He noticed the trophies.

"There's lots of trophies here, J.D. This is pretty impressive."

J.D. couldn't speak. Nathan looked at each of the trophies, "Boxing, boxing, wrestling, boxing, wrestling…a science project?" Nathan looked at J.D. with a smile.

"Well, it was just something I did when I was a kid…nothin' really," J.D. responded as he scuffed his foot on the floor and ran his hands through his hair.

Nathan watched J.D. finding his nervousness and shyness endearing. He could feel himself being drawn closer to J.D., the feel of their bond growing stronger.

To ease J.D.'s discomfort, Nathan asked what problems in math J.D. was having. They went towards the desk where J.D. had been doing his homework. Nathan began helping J.D. by showing him tricks and pointers to understanding math.

During this time, they were sitting close, Nathan occasionally leaning over to point something out on J.D.'s papers. There was the occasional brush of one arm against the other, one hand against the other, one thigh against the other.

J.D. was barely listening to Nathan as he helped him with his studying unable to ignore the occasional contact. In fact, he was downright uncomfortable with the heat he felt being near Nathan…and the tightness in his own groin. Occasionally he would glance out of the corner of his eye at Nathan as he leaned close to J.D.

It all came to a head when Nathan stood up and leaned over J.D.'s shoulder to point out an equation. His hip pressed against J.D.'s shoulder, his hand brushed J.D.'s as he pointed out a mistake, his breath a breeze across J.D.'s ear.

Unable to bear the tension any longer, J.D. laid his hand on Nathan's squeezing lightly, not shifting his position, not looking at Nathan. Nathan froze and stopped talking.

They remained locked in this position for a moment then Nathan moved over to J.D.'s side and squatted next to his chair.

"J.D.," Nathan said very quietly with a hitch in his voice.

J.D. pulled Nathan's hand to his chest holding tightly, one single tear rolling down his face. He couldn't look at Nathan…he couldn't face him. He wasn't sure why he felt the way he did nor why he was holding Nathan's hand but knew that he couldn't let go. Their hands were supposed to be like this…together, entwined.

The image of Nathan being beaten came to mind and the overwhelming need to keep him safe flamed again through J.D. causing him to shake.

Nathan reached up and brushed the hair back over J.D.'s ear whispering softly to him, "I'll never forget what you did for me the other day. You came striding forward like a hero from an ancient battle…righting wrong, vanquishing evil. I couldn't look away from you…and I still can't even now." J.D. turned and saw Nathan's eyes had misted over also.

"They were hurting you," J.D. said softly. "That's all I could see…and I couldn't let them do that. Not to you. If there had been a hundred of them, I still would have stopped them. I just couldn't let them hurt you."

J.D. closed his eyes and put his head down. Nathan leaned forward and laid his forehead against J.D.'s. They stayed that way for a moment then Nathan leaned in and lightly ran his lips over J.D.'s. J.D.'s control was lost completely and he pulled Nathan close to kiss him…little sobs breaking free.

It was the summer after J.D.'s and Nathan's graduation from high school. They had been inseparable since that day in J.D.'s room. They were in Nathan's room talking, which led to sitting close, which led to kissing, which would have led to something else except that Nathan's father walked in at that moment.

When he saw the two of them together, kissing, his face grew stern, his brows knit together. He had never thought much of Nathan, being his wife's son not his, thinking him weak, but now felt that here was his chance to finally get rid of him.

He kicked J.D. out of the house and gave Nathan time to pack a bag, feeling no sympathy at all, just satisfaction that he had finally won over Nathan. Because Nathan had never gotten angry with his father, never talked back, never showed him hatred as his father had wanted him to. Nathan's father took this as weakness not the strength that it actually was and therefore held only contempt for him. Now was his chance to get rid of Nathan. To rid himself of this weakling and reminder of another man's passion for his wife.

Nathan packed without comment, kissed his mother, said goodbye to his sisters and left. He headed straight for J.D.

Nathan cried. He cried because finally he was free of the tyrant of a father he had grown up with. Cried because he had now lost his mother and sisters. There was no way his father would allow him to return. Nathan knew his father would never change his mind or repeal his decision. Nathan was alone now.

J.D. tried to comfort him as best he could, holding him tight, while trying to restrain his anger at Nathan's father. He was frantically trying to decide what to do next…how to help Nathan.

"Don't cry, Nathan, please. It'll all be okay. You'll see. No more tears, please." Nathan leaned into J.D., his protector, knowing that J.D. was there for him no matter what.

"You could stay here for awhile. My mom and dad like you a lot. They'd let you stay." J.D. was frantically looking for an answer. "Or we could leave, Nathan. We could go somewhere and get jobs. It'd just be the two of us. I wouldn't let anything happen to you, Nathan, not ever," and J.D. pulled Nathan close…pulled close this precious man that he had found.

It had been seven years since J.D. and Nathan had left. They had moved, gotten jobs and lived a quiet life together. People didn't think much of the two of them living together…they were nice kids. Occasionally there was a problem with those whose hate had risen to the surface and had therefore lost much of their humanity but it was the rare thing. They were mostly left alone. They had a good life together.

Then one day, while Nathan was at the bank, a young man chose to take money rather than work for it. He didn't care much for those around him and was brutal in his robbery attempt. In his fear of being stopped and caught, he became reckless. Nathan, not dropping to the ground quickly enough, suffered for this by taking a bullet and dying immediately.

J.D. wondered why Nathan hadn't come home yet. There had been no call. Work had said he left earlier that day. He had begun to truly fear for Nathan when there was a knock at the door.

J.D. heard the news, thanked the officers, closed the door and collapsed. He hadn't been there to protect Nathan. It was his fault Nathan was dead.

J.D. completed his police training a few years later. He spent a little time in the same town where he and Nathan had lived but couldn't put away the memories. Everywhere he went he saw reminders of their time together.

He had never gotten over the death of Nathan…and blamed himself for his death, for not saving Nathan from harm. He chose to be a policeman in order to save others from the same senseless death that had occurred to Nathan…and to ease his own conscious for not being there for him.

He moved to Wyoming later that y ear, when he was 27 years old. He needed to get away to someplace quiet, someplace not like where he and Nathan had lived. The open spaces of Wyoming were certainly quiet and decidedly far away from the city.

He never interacted much with people, though he was cordial and always vigilant of those under his watch. He did his job with enthusiasm always thinking of Nathan and his promise to be there for others.

He never spoke of Nathan to anyone…mostly because there was never anyone that he met that he could talk to or would understand in any way.

There was no one to tell Nathan's story to…no one to share his love for Nathan with. No one knew Nathan as J.D. did…and he thought no one ever would. He tried to push thoughts of Nathan away so he could live…live without the pain of the loss, without the pain of the self-blame.

Then he met Ennis and Jack. Thoughts of Nathan came running back…but he hadn't been sure that the two were lovers. He couldn't just assume. This wasn't a part of the country where being queer was something that was okay. It could be a bad thing if he was wrong and approached them. It had been excruciating…his need to talk yet not knowing whether he could.

His need to talk had won out.

Jack sat back stunned by J.D. and his story. He didn't know what to say. It had seemed so easy for them be together, so easy for them to express their love. He felt envious but dropped that. This wasn't about him but about J.D. Jack reached over and laid his hand on J.D.'s knee.

"J.D. I don't know what to say. I wish I had known Nathan. I wish that there had been someone for you to speak to so you wouldn't have to keep this to yourself. I don't know how you did it all these years. I know if I lost Ennis…well, I don't think I could keep on going." Jack took his hand from J.D.'s knee and poured them some more whiskey.

"Thank you, Jack. And thanks for listening to me yammer on. I'm sorry again for scaring you earlier…"

"No, J.D., no need. I want you to know that you are always welcome here…anytime. I know Ennis would feel the same way. I wish he had been here to hear your story."

They sat for a little while, casual conversation passing between them to ease down from the intensity of Nathan's story. Soon J.D. got up to leave.

J.D. reached out his hand to shake Jack's but Jack pulled him close in a hug to let him know he had a friend and was wanted. J.D. patted him on the back, thanked him again, and drove off feeling a huge weight lifted from his heart. Someone knew about Nathan now. J.D.'s heart was lighter than it had been in years. He was smiling as he drove away.

Ennis, who was parked down the street behind some trees but in sight of Jack and J.D., was not smiling. His knuckles were white where they gripped the steering wheel. His jaw was clenched, his shoulders hunched. He had seen that there was someone there with Jack as he was driving up so pulled off to watch.

During the time that Jack had been home, Ennis never thought of Jack and other men. It was just the two of them so Ennis had no particular need to feel jealous. Over the months that Jack had been working though, Ennis had seen Jack laughing with the other hands, walking alone with some, patting some on the back. He found him once standing at a fence, his foot up on a railing, talking with the foreman. He had interpreted these events as Jack flirting, the other ranch hands flirting with Jack, losing Jack to someone else.

All the things they had said to each other after Jack arrived, all the feelings that Ennis had discovered and new behaviors that he had adopted were lost when Ennis saw Jack around other men.

Every time Ennis would think to confront Jack or call to him to say something, Jack would turn and smile at Ennis with love in his eyes causing Ennis to forget or decide to put it off till later or begin to believe he had made a mistake. _Jack wouldn't do this to him._

But this was different. Jack had hugged J.D. He had put his hand on J.D.'s knee. There was no mistake here, no illusion spawned from jealousy. It was right there for anyone to see. They must have something going on. Did J.D. come to the house every time Ennis left? Was J.D. enjoying what only Ennis was supposed to have? Didn't Jack belong to Ennis?

Ennis watched as Jack went back inside the house.

He started his truck and drove down the street and up the driveway.


	39. If Not For Fear XI

Jack stood for a moment and watched J.D. drive away, still stunned by the story, unable to believe that someone he thought had the power, and maybe the desire, to hurt them was just like him and Ennis. Jack, like Ennis, had not had the experience of being around other queer men and was shaken by hearing this story so like their own. He wondered how Ennis was going to take this since he and J.D. were close.

Jack turned around and walked into the house, glancing back once to see if Ennis was coming…wishing he had been there with him to talk to J.D., wishing Ennis were there now to hold him close and calm his fears of Ennis dying…like Nathan…without Jack. He could hear Ennis in his mind, calling for him, then dying without him.

It was too painful for Jack to think about. Tears came to his eyes and a promise to his lips that he would never leave Ennis to die alone. He'd always be there.

He closed the door and went in to make supper. Buck trailing along, happy to see Jack again…oh, and maybe there'd be a treat in the kitchen.

Shortly after he walked in the door, he heard Ennis' truck pulling up…kinda fast. He didn't think too much about it and continued on into the kitchen.

Ennis stormed into the house, Jack spun to see what the ruckus was, Buck started barking. Jack saw, in the instant before Ennis caught him by the front of the shirt and slammed him against the counter, the anger in Ennis' face and only had time for one small thought…"why?"

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS J.D. DOIN' HERE, HUH, JACK? YOU TWO GOT SOMETHIN' GOIN' ON BEHIND MY BACK, HUH, YOU SON OF A BITCH?

"Ennis, what the fuck is…"

"Don't fuck with me, Jack! I saw you hug him! I saw you put your hand on his knee…"

"He wanted to talk, Ennis, that's all…"

"Don't lie to me…," Ennis yelled and then he made a really big mistake. He raised his hand to strike Jack.

Jack saw and felt the shift in Ennis' shoulders and before Ennis could bring his hand up, Jack had already started his fist on a course for Ennis' jaw. It connected before Ennis had barely moved. Buck was jumping around, barking at the top of his lungs seeing Jack in danger.

Ennis ended up on the floor, dazed, and, for a moment, confused as to where he was. Jack was standing over him, panting, red in the face, hands clenched at his side.

"Don't you ever...fuckin'…raise..your..hand to me again. NO ONE gets to hurt me again!"

Ennis, coming back to clarity, started to get up.

"Don't you come near me!" Jack yelled at Ennis as he backed up a few steps, leaning his hand on the table top to steady himself. "Buck, shut up!" Buck went quiet mid-yap.

"Jack, why was J.D. here?" Ennis asked again, jaw still clenched but now throbbing. He was still angry but a disconcerting thought that he was in the wrong here was surfacing.

"J.D. was only here to talk, Ennis…just to talk." Jack couldn't keep his voice down. "He's like us…he had a man he loved just like us." Now Jack's voice softened some, "He had no one to talk to Ennis…all these years, no one to talk to." Jack started to sob.

Ennis couldn't maintain his anger anymore at the sight of Jack in tears. But now his fear began to rise when he really began to understand that it was his fault that Jack was in such a state. He saw how Jack was backing away, scared, waiting for Ennis to hurt him…he's scared of me. He went cold inside. _I'm doing this to Jack. I'm making him afraid of me. This ain't what I'm supposed to be doing to him._

"Jack, I'm sorry. I ain't gonna hurt ya…please…"

"No, Ennis. You can't come in here accusing me of shit that ain't true, trying to hurt me, and then just apologize thinking it'll all go away!"

Ennis got up slowly, Jack watching him warily.

"Jack, I'm…"

Jack's anger rose again, "I thought I was through with being hit, being beaten, being accused. I thought I was done with all that when I came here and you said you wanted me to stay…that you loved me…that you wouldn't let anyone hurt me. Well, I was a fool once again. Damn me that I can't seem to see this shit coming before I get caught up in it." Jack turned and walked a few steps, still crying.

Ennis scrambled for Jack remembering clearly the night Jack had tried to leave. Before he could get to him, he tripped over Buck who had dashed to Jack then fell to his knees, grabbing Jack's shirt near his belt before he hit the ground.

"No, Jack, no, please, I'm sorry, okay?"

Jack turned to Ennis, saw that he was breathing heavy, no longer angry but terrified.

"Why the fuck would you do this to me?" Jack said softly.

For a moment, Ennis was unable to speak. Jack could see him trying to get the words out, the confusion in his eyes, knowing how hard it was for Ennis to vocalize his feelings. Finally the words began to stumble forth.

"You…Jack…you make me crazy, Jack." At some point, Ennis had lost his hat and was running his fingers through his hair. "Everything in my brain twists whenever I look at you. When you're close, all I…all I can think of his how you smell. When you touch me, I feel like lightning struck," here Ennis took a breath, "and if you're gone, there ain't nothin' of me left." Ennis knelt putting his arms around Jack's waist, laying his head on Jack's stomach. "I ain't alive unless I'm with you, Jack."

Jack laid his hand on Ennis' head, as always, unable to resist helping Ennis when the need arose.

"I just keep seeing you around the ranch with these other men, friendly with these guys in town…and it kills me, Jack. I can't stand it when I see another man put his hands on you. I know it ain't right, but I can't help it."

"Ennis, there ain't nothing between me and any other man. You are the only one." Jack said quietly.

Ennis didn't respond. Jack knew that Ennis couldn't believe through his fears what he had just said.

"Ennis, do you love me?"

Ennis stayed silent not wanting to venture where Jack was going. He burrowed his head deeper into Jack's stomach.

"Ennis, answer me. Do you love me?"

Ennis nodded into Jack's stomach.

"Say it, Ennis."

"I love you," he said, the words muffled by Jack's shirt and the tears that had started.

Jack said calmly, "You're lyin', Ennis. Cause if you loved me, you'd trust me. All those things you said to me when I came here don't mean nothin' if you can't trust me."

"No, Jack, please, it ain't like that," Ennis stammered, pulling back to look at Jack.

"Yeah it is, Ennis. You begged me to stay. You told me you loved me. I let go of all the hateful thoughts I had of you and stayed 'cause I believed you. Do you think that was easy? And now all you want to do is beat on me and accuse me of being a whore…all the same things Wade did to me. I thought you said things were gonna be different."

Ennis slumped back on his heels, his mouth open but no words coming out, barely able to look at Jack. He knew that Jack was right.

"You didn't believe me when I said I loved you," Jack said, the words going straight to Ennis' heart.

Jack turned and headed for the door.

"I assume you left the keys in the truck when you stormed in here to accuse me of fucking J.D.?" Jack didn't turn, didn't wait for an answer. "Don't know when I'll be back."

Ennis bent over and started crying, wondering how in the world could he have fucked things up so bad.


	40. If Not For Fear XII

Ennis cried for a long time, aware only that Jack was gone…and he didn't know if or when he would be back.

Jack had asked him, "Why the fuck would you do this to me?" _Cause you make me crazy, Jack…cause I can't stand to see other guys touch you…_all of these answers he knew were insufficient…selfish…insulting. But if he looked more closely, he could see deeper answers…

_Cause I want you all to myself…_

_Cause nobody else can have you…_

_Cause you're mine…_

_Cause I love you so much I can't see straight…_

_Cause I can't live without you now…_

Whatever his reasoning, however deep he looked, what he had done was wrong and now Jack had left…and Ennis didn't know for how long.

As he usually did when his feelings got out of control or he had to look too close, he went for the whiskey bottle. It was just too hard to face the pain.

He went and sat on the porch with Buck, drinking quietly, trying, and failing, to patiently wait for Jack. Time went by very slowly for him. It got dark and he waited. Midnight came and he waited…much drunker now. 2am. 3am. His disappointment running high, he felt it better to wait on the couch than to continue to sit outside. As he stumbled through the door, Buck following, he looked back hoping to see headlights…but none showed.

He sat on the couch making great effort to finish off the whiskey which helped him to not think about the pain Jack was in now. Eventually he lay down because it was hard being vertical anymore. This led swiftly to sleep.

It was near dawn. Jack was sitting on the coffee table across from the couch where Ennis was sleeping. He'd been there for about a half hour now, just watching Ennis sleep. Buck lay sprawled at Jack's feet.

Jack kept trying to understand what had happened the day before. Had this been something burning in Ennis for a long time? Why hadn't he seen this coming? Why couldn't Ennis see that there was no one else for Jack but him…that there would never be anyone else? What would he have to do to show Ennis how much he loved him?

Jack didn't know the answers. He thought that everything had been going so good. But now, Ennis was resorting to force. He had only struck Jack once before. That, Jack knew, could be explained by Ennis' fear and anguish over leaving Jack and the mountain.

But this was different. It was the same behavior Wade had shown. And he knew where it would end if it was allowed to continue. There was no possibility that he could let that happen to him again.

Jack's eyes misted up because he knew what he _should_ do now…he _should_ leave forever. The thought caused panic to run through him leaving him shaking. But…he just couldn't tear himself away from Ennis. Taking a deep breath, he leaned toward Ennis.

"Ennis…wake up. It's time for breakfast." Jack said very softly.

"Umm…can't go up to them sheep…" Jack stopped for a moment.

"No sheep, Ennis. Just breakfast." Ennis turned his face towards the back of the couch.

"No sheep…stay with Jack," Ennis mumbled against the fabric. Jack put his hand to his face having to pause for a moment as memories of Brokeback overwhelmed him.

"C'mon, cowboy, time to get up."

"Can't leave Jack…love him…gotta stay."

Jack couldn't sit any longer and stood walking toward the window which looked over the porch. Buck took that time to bark. Ennis spun on the couch, waking up, confused as to where he was.

"Buck, what the hell…" Ennis looked up seeing Jack.

"Jack…what…"

Jack wiped a tear from his eyes, stuck his hands in his pockets, and turned to Ennis.

"You're letting the day get away from you, cowboy. Get up and shower. I'll make some breakfast." Ennis stared at him trying to come to grips with reality instead of the dream world he had been in.

"Jack, you're back," Ennis said stating the obvious. He scrambled to get off the couch and over to Jack. He had to try twice. When he did get up, he reached for Jack but Jack took a half-step back. Ennis dropped his hand, fear causing him to shake. He ran his hands through his hair.

"Jack, I'm sorry. I shouldn'ta done what I did. I hurt ya and I'm real sorry." Jack looked down.

"Let's talk later, okay? Go take your shower and I'll start some breakfast."

Ennis just stood there trembling. Jack wouldn't talk to him about the day before. Ennis had no sign as to what Jack was thinking. He needed to know.

"Jack…" Ennis stepped again towards Jack, "are you gonna leave…are you gonna leave me?"

Jack sat down in the chair not able to respond. He put his head in his hands…hearing Ennis like this tore him apart.

"Jack," Ennis stepped forward and knelt in front of Jack placing his hands on Jack's knees. Jack sat back looking at Ennis who could clearly see the conflict in Jack's eyes.

"I need for you to take me to Lightning Flat," Jack said watching as Ennis digested this request. Ennis kept opening his mouth to speak but nothing was coming out. He couldn't find the words to express the terror that he felt rising in his throat. Ennis got up and backed up a few steps.

"Lightning Flat," Ennis whispered. "So…ya leavin'. Ya not even gonna let me try to explain? To try to show ya how sorry I am?"

"I need some time, Ennis. Ya ain't never gonna understand what you did to me yesterday. I just gotta think for a little while." Ennis sat frozen, trying hard not to believe that his life with Jack was over.

"Sure, Jack, sure. Whatever you want." And Ennis turned slowly, stood for a moment seemingly unable to move. With a deep breath and a hand through his hair, he walked off to the bathroom.


	41. If Not For Fear XIII

Jack was leavin' for Lightning Flat.

Ennis didn't want to believe this…to believe what this might mean for the both of them. He knew what he had done had hurt Jack, it wasn't what he had wanted to do…but now Jack wouldn't talk to him…wouldn't let him say he was sorry.

He stalled. He did whatever he could to put off the moment when he had to leave. But the longer he stalled, the more time he had to think which meant more time to start getting angry to cover his own hurt and embarrassment…more time to erect defenses so he wouldn't have to look at what an idiot he had been. _Won't even give me the time to talk_, he thinks_, in such a fuckin' hurry to get the hell away from me…well, fuck him, tried to say I was sorry._

Jack seeing Ennis wasn't hurrying made some coffee and breakfast, which Ennis was glad for after all the drinking, and they ate in silence. But this only put off the inevitable.

"Alright, Jack, you wanna get outta here so bad, let's go," Ennis said with some edge to his voice. Jack turned to look at Ennis, hearing the anger, wondering what right Ennis had to be angry. Ennis strode out to the truck slamming the door, Jack and Buck following.

The drive was long and excruciatingly quiet. Buck alternated his time between both available laps, oblivious to the tension…sleeping safe, dreaming doggy dreams.

Ennis' posture was tight behind the steering wheel, his jaw set. Jack knew Ennis was getting more and more angry as the miles went by but he was angry, too, and fearful. He just couldn't find it in himself to give any comfort to Ennis right then.

While they drove, Jack thought a lot about what had happened the day before. He still felt sucker punched by Ennis' action…his stomach clenching at the memory of how Ennis had jumped him without warning…his trust taking a damaging hit. It couldn't have been any worse if Ennis had stabbed him in the heart.

So many painful feelings of that moment brought back in an instant…blinding panic, the paralyzing fear, the fire of anger rising to consume when the reality of who had attacked hits him clear…the betrayal. His breath catches and his heart slams in his chest as these feelings replay themselves in his head.

His love for Ennis was telling him to forgive and stay but his mind kept conjuring the image of lightning striking between the two of them, in an instant severing the intense and magnetic connection they had.

He sat quietly watching the landscape roll by, tears of confusion and need for Ennis rolling down his cheeks. He kept his face turned so Ennis couldn't see him but the occasional hitch in Jack's breath did not go unnoticed by Ennis whose heart was branded by guilt every time he heard it.

They got to Lightning Flat and Jack directed Ennis to his parent's home…Ennis and Jack immediately seeing the disrepair and lack of care to the house and ranch. Ennis scanned the property, without conscious effort, recognizing all the things that needed to be done…sad that this land was so untended. Jack wondered why his daddy would let the ranch fall this far.

Ennis parked the truck both of them unable to make a move or say anything…Jack wanting so badly to take Ennis' hand…wanting so badly to ask Ennis for forgiveness despite the fact it was Ennis who had caused this shattering of trust.

Jack glanced once at Ennis, opened the door and stepped out. He walked over to Ennis' window, Buck by his side.

"Ennis…" Jack said quietly.

"Just go on, Jack. Got nothin' to say if leavin' is what you gotta do." Ennis could barely speak…his body shaking with the image of Jack walking away…the crushing weight of his embarrassment and sorrow tearing at his self-control.

Jack stepped back a little. Ennis sat, hands clenched on the steering wheel. He kept trying to turn the key and start the truck but he couldn't get his hands to the keys. He was taking deep breaths, not wanting to break down in front of Jack at the thought of having to leave. Jack could see the conflict in Ennis and knew that the longer he stayed standing there, the worse it would be for Ennis

He took one step forward and raised his hand to touch Ennis on the arm but Ennis shied away just enough to let Jack know to stay away. Jack took back that one step, looked once more at Ennis, then turned and walked over to the house, Buck in tow.

Ennis, not wanting to but needing to, turned to watch Jack as he walked away. He started crying from anger, despair, loss…not loudly…just tears rolling down his face. Jack didn't turn around.

As Jack walked away, the door to the house opened and Jack's mother came out. She had heard the truck drive up. It was a rare sound so caught her attention. She walked with some dignity towards the end of the porch, holding her sweater together though it wasn't really cold.

Jack stopped for a moment seeing his mother there…thrilled at the chance to see her again. She looked from Jack to Ennis and back. Saw Ennis' tight grip on the steering wheel, the tears, the palpable tension…saw Jack's hunched shoulders, his defeated look…could see as if it were real and visible the fragile, crumbling bond that existed between them. Mrs. Twist might be a simple woman but she wasn't stupid.

It was shocking for a moment, this revelation about her son, but she was a solid and practical women…and Jack's mom…so took it in stride. She put her view of the two of them aside for a bit to greet her son.

Jack wanted to run to his mother but turned and glanced back at Ennis, whose pain was clearly evident, then walked to the porch. Ennis watched as Jack and his mother kissed and hugged.

Ennis looked away, too many emotions running through him. He was finally able to turn the key, starting the truck. He pulled out, headed for the highway. He didn't see Jack turn quickly to watch as he left. Embroiled in his own emotions, Ennis headed out, completely unsure as to where he was going to go or what he was going to do. All he knew was that wherever he went, Jack wasn't going to be there.

He had driven a short distance when he had to pull over, no longer able to see the road. His tears flowed uncontrollably now…all his attempts at regaining self-control lost. He had both hands on the steering wheel and began banging his forehead between his hands, voicing expletives interspersed with, "What did I do? What can I do? Why was I so stupid? I can't leave…leave him behind," surfacing through the sobs and pangs of guilt.

It was some time before he got back on the road.

When Jack saw his mother, he felt a thrill run through him. He loved his mother because she had always been kind to him and, most importantly, had blunted the viciousness of his father. She was the one that had kept his capacity to love alive…that same capacity his father had worked so hard to squelch. His excitement at seeing her was only increased by the years since he had seen her last.

He reached for his mother hugging her tightly, kissing her cheek. He saw her eyes were misty as was his.

"Jackie," the name she had used for him as a boy, "my baby, it's been too long since I've had the chance to lay eyes on you."

"Hey, ma. I'm sorry I ain't come by before now. I missed you a lot."

Ennis pulled out. Jack turned quickly not noticing his mother watching them both closely.

Jack turned back to his mother. Mrs. Twist pulled out a handkerchief and was wiping her eyes. Jack was trying to maintain his composure. As he looked at his mother, he noticed she was thinner, her hair a little more grey, her clothes more worn…could that be the same sweater he had seen her in all these years ago?

"Well, Jack, we can't just be standing out here crying like fools. What are the neighbors gonna think?" Jack laughed knowing that the nearest neighbor was somewhere around ten miles away. "You come on inside. I got some coffee on. I'm betting you're hungry, too. I'll get something on the stove." Mrs. Twist started fussing over her son.

Jack looked down at Buck. "I'll put Buck in the barn, ma. I know pa don't like animals in the house." Mrs. Twist had turned to walk inside but stopped lowering her head. Jack could see her take a breath then turn slowly, her hand going up to clutch her sweater again.

"Jack…you're pa's gone. He had an accident about a year ago. His horse threw him. Your Uncle Harold found him up by the fences on the north part of the ranch."

A shock went through Jack. A couple of feelings warred in his head when he heard this news…relief that the bastard was gone and concern for his mom with no one to take care of her now.

"Ma, I'm sorry. I shoulda come by before now…I didn't know…"

"Don't fret, Jack. Life works as God wills it. You couldn't have known." Mrs. Twist stepped up closer to Jack putting her hand to his cheek. "But you're here now…my little boy's home. Come on in and bring your dog with you."

Jack smiled at his mother, really excited to see her, and called Buck to him as he followed his mother into the house. He hadn't forgotten about Ennis, though, and his pleasure at seeing his mother was tempered by his pain over having to leave him.

Ennis drove for awhile paying not a bit of attention to where he was going…except when he saw the neon sign announcing that there was bar located just off the highway. Ennis slammed his brakes on, spinning the wheel and turning into the parking lot with a screeching of tires and a spraying of gravel. Once his reckless attempt to stop and park was over, he sat for a moment.

_Gotta have a drink. Gotta stop. Can't stand this no more._

Pulling his hat down low and clenching his jaw, he stepped on in…his mind set on pushing the pain aside…if just for a little while.


	42. If Not For Fear XIV

Jack sat with his mother, coffee in hand. They had a lot to catch up on and it took a little while to get the feel of each other again and start conversation.

"How ya been, ma? I know pa's been gone a long time now. You got anyone to help you around here?"

"I get along, son. I can't work the farm, of course, but I make due. Your father left a little money and I get along with that." Jack saw the state of the house and of his mother and knew just how much money his father had left her.

"Ma, I'm so sorry…"

"Now, son, it's not your fault and I'm doing fine." Jack knew that wasn't true.

The conversation went on for some time. Mrs. Twist trying to say everything was alright and Jack knowing better. Jack's guilt at not being there for his mother kept growing the more she talked. He made up his mind to do whatever he could to help her.

_Maybe it would be best if I stayed out here with Ma. I could bring Ennis_…a thought that came automatically before he could edit it. _Maybe he wouldn't wanna come now_.

They spoke of Jack's life since he had last been to Lightning Flat, just after Brokeback. Jack omitted large chunks…so had little to talk about. His mother knew there was a lot that Jack wasn't telling her. She was patient, though, and felt that in time he'd open up to what had happened.

As the evening wore on and twilight descended, Jack and his mother sat, coffee cold now, the quiet surrounding them. Mrs. Twist thought it safe to broach what she had seen earlier.

"Jack, who's your friend?"

Jack was a little startled by this question having forgotten for a moment about Ennis. He blushed immediately. But his mother looked at him like there was no option to answer or not.

"Well…uh…he's…uh…his name is Ennis, Ennis Del Mar. Just a friend, ya know. We…he…uh…lives in Riverton."

"Jack…," Mrs. Twist said in a tone that Jack knew meant to stop stalling. Jack was looking at anything and everything but his mother.

"We met up on Brokeback that summer I was herding sheep, couple a years back. We got to be real good friends." Jack hung his head feeling greater and greater difficulty talking about him. "He's a good man and…we're real close."

"Jackie, looked to me like the two of you are closer than just close." Jack's head snapped up his embarrassment now plain…his expectation of judgment from his religious-minded mom surging inside. "It's okay, Jack," she said patting his hand, "you was never much for the girls, I know that. Lord knows your father pushed you hard in that direction, but I always had a feeling about ya." She saw Jack relax just a bit, "Seems to me it was hard for you to see him drive off."

Jack started crying quietly. "Ma…" Mrs. Twist put her coffee cup and Jack's aside and took both of his hands in hers.

"It's plain, Jackie, how you feel 'bout him," she said patting him on the arm. It was hard for Jack to talk so he was silent for a moment. "Yet you're here and he's gone." Jack's mind leapt to the day before.

"He accused me of…," here Jack just shrugged his shoulders not willing to get into that with his mother, "he was gonna hit me." Jack rushed on to try to explain to his mother before she thought the worst. "He's sorry, ya know, he thought that I was…well, he kinda got ahead of himself and said some things…" Jack got up and walked around the kitchen too agitated to stay sitting…Buck lying by the door following Jack's every movement with his eyes.

"I told you lot of things done happened to me, ma, since I saw you last…I can't really talk about all that. What Ennis did was too much like some of those things. I needed to get away for a bit. I didn't know where else to go, ma, I'm sorry."

"I am happy to see ya, Jack. It's been too long. And I hope you can stay for a little while to keep your mother company…but you can't run away from this. Love don't survive at a distance." Jack's head snapped up at her use of the word "love". "If I had run every time your father hurt me, you'd of never been born." Jack knew how true this was because his father had been meaner than Ennis could ever in his life think about being.

"Ma, how did you do it? How did you stay with him all those years?"

"It wasn't easy, Jack, but if you love someone, you work through the hard times. You don't run and hide at the first sign of trouble." There was silence for a moment.

"Do the two of you argue a lot?"

"Hardly at all. We get along real good."

"So this is the first time he's ever gotten this angry?"

"Well…yeah." Jack saw where this was going.

"Then, Jack, I think maybe it's those other things that bring you here. Are you upset with him or what happened to you back then?"

Jack felt like he had been hit in the head with a 2x4. This wasn't really about Ennis. He could have stayed and talked to him, explained to him, asked Ennis why he would make such accusations. But instead he had run...run away from Wade…run away from his past…all the memories of those times brought out in a flash by what Ennis had done.

Yep, he was a certifiable fool now. He wanted to take one of his mother's iron pots and bash himself in the head with it.

He had run from Ennis when he should have stayed. Ennis was hurting thinking he was interested in all those other men and all he did was compound that by leaving.

He put his head in his hands and cried for real now. His mother sitting next to him, her hand on his shoulder.


	43. If Not For Fear XV

Ennis had been drinking for hours, never moving, ignoring the bartender until he wanted another beer. He was trying his best not to think about Jack yet all he could think of was Jack…trying not to think of all the things Jack had said to him but all those razor-sharp words kept surging through his mind.

_Why the fuck would you do this to me, _Jack had said.

Ennis thought to himself, _It's your fault, Jack! Your fault I did what I did. Talking and laughing with all those ranch hands…can't keep your hands off 'em, huh? I saw you go into the stables with the foreman…bunch a times…just the two of you. What was ya doin' in there, huh, Jack? _

Ennis' head was spinning with images of Jack and all those other men…them doing with Jack what only Ennis had the right to do. He was trying so hard to think straight, to try to understand that Jack wouldn't do that to him.

_If you loved me, you'd trust me_.

Ennis saw how his possessiveness had gotten in the way of that truth.

And then there was J.D. Ennis had seen them hug, seen how close they were…all the time imaging what they must have been doing.

J.D…..

_J.D. was only here to talk, Ennis…just to talk. He's like us…he had a man he loved just like us. He had no one to talk to Ennis…all these years, no one to talk to._

Ennis had forgotten what Jack had said during the fight but it surfaced now waving an accusatory finger at him. Ennis winced at how bad he had misinterpreted that scene.

But, if J.D. had been having a hard time…wouldn't Jack have tried to help him feel better? That was Jack…always trying to make people laugh, always looking to make things better. And Ennis knew J.D….knew as he sat there…that J.D. would never try something with Jack…though part of him was dumbfounded by this unforeseen news about J.D.

Ennis sat, holding his hat, pulling it lower on his head to hide the embarrassment no one else saw but that he was feeling intensely.

He knew now, as reality overtook all his irrationality, that he had been wrong all this time…wrong to think Jack was up to anything with all these guys. He took a look at all these instances he had tallied up in his mind, trying to see them in a new light.

Had Jack ever tried to hide from him? Lie to him? Sneak around? Ennis had never seen Jack do any of those things. The truth was that Ennis worked with him each day, was home with him each night, spent the weekends around the house with him. When did Jack have any time to mess around?

And though Ennis knew that Jack smiled and laughed with others, he knew Jack only ever flashed that special smile at him…laughed that special laugh with him.

Ennis saw that he was the only one with a problem here. He was the only one seeing cheating going on. He had made up his mind that what he thought was happening was happening. He hadn't stopped to ask Jack anything, just jumped him like some fucking madman. And had tried to punch him…hit Jack. Hadn't he learned anything about that after the mountain? Ennis couldn't feel any lower at this point.

_Ennis, there ain't nothing between me and any other man. You are the only one._

Ennis heard the truth now in what Jack had said.

_If you loved me, you'd trust me._

Ennis saw his mistake.

_You didn't believe me when I said I loved you_

And Ennis put the final piece in place. He hadn't believed Jack. He hadn't given Jack's feelings as much credence as he had given his own need to keep Jack to himself…to hold onto him like he was some kind of possession he didn't want anyone else to see or touch. He thought he loved Jack but it looked like he just wanted his own needs and comfort met by having him around.

He had never really understood what love was about. All this time he could have been learning from Jack but had looked only at what he wanted.

_Ennis, there ain't no one else…not now, not ever…you are the only one._

Ennis saw that he didn't need to hold on to Jack, to keep him bound up near so no one else would get him. Jack had told Ennis he stood with him of his own free will…that he wanted to stay with Ennis and no one else. He was telling him that it was always Ennis he would choose.

Ennis had made mistakes with Jack before but this one was up near the top. He needed to talk to Jack. Now. Right away. But what was he going to tell him? How was he going to get Jack to listen to him? All Jack had wanted to do was leave because of what he had done to him. Why would he talk to him now?

Ennis stood up from the bar startling the bartender who hadn't thought of him for some time, forgetting Ennis was even there. He was somewhat wobbly on his feet but made it to the door and out to the truck.

_What am I gonna do now? He ain't gonna wanna talk to me. And I don't blame him. I was wrong, I was stupid…but I gotta talk to him…tell him…what'll I tell him?_

Ennis sat for a minute, then turned the key and started the truck. He took a deep breath, put the truck in gear and turned towards the highway. He stopped at the end of the parking lot and, without hesitation, turned back towards the Twist ranch.

It was full dark now. Jack and his mother had talked for a long time…about things and in a way that they had not done before. At some point, she had made another pot of coffee.

Jack, his mind clearer and wiser thanks to his mother's viewpoint, decided that a walk outside and a cigarette would be a good thing right about now. He called for Buck who jumped at the opportunity to go sniff out this strange land his daddy had taken him to.

Jack opened the door stepping out onto the porch, Buck raced into the yard. He pulled out his cigarettes and was getting ready to light one when Buck stopped suddenly, his ears pointed, looking off into the night. He barked once, his happy bark, and took off into the dark.

"Buck, get your ass back here," Jack shouted thinking he was after a rabbit or something, but when he looked in the direction Buck was headed, he saw Ennis' truck. Stunned he forgot he was holding a match until it burned his finger. With a mild expletive and a snap of his fingers, he dropped the match. Putting his cigarettes away, he turned, shaking, and headed for the truck.

He saw Ennis was sitting on the tailgate…Buck standing up so Ennis could scratch his head. He didn't turn when Jack walked up. _Bad sign_, Jack thought. He stopped a couple feet away.

"Ennis…," Jack said very softly, "Ennis, what're ya doin' here? I thought you had left to go back to Riverton?"

Ennis just kinda shrugged, "Well…," and continued petting Buck.

Jack walked around to stand in front of Ennis pulling Buck away so Ennis would look right at him, except that Ennis just kept looking at the ground.

"Ennis…"

"Jack…," Ennis, still looking at the ground, took a deep breath, "I…I'm real sorry for what happened. I had some time to think about it and I shouldn'ta done what I did to you. It's just…I don't know…I can't think when I'm around you. I see you with these guys and I go blind." Jack started to say something but Ennis held up his hand to stay him. "But I heard what you said, Jack. I don't love you if I can't trust you. And you're right. I didn't trust you and I thought you would do what I know you wouldn't do…," and then very quietly, "but I do love you, rodeo. I do."

Jack, relief beginning to sweep through his body, took a moment to vent his own frustration. He reached out one hand slowly, grabbing Ennis by his coat lapel and pulling him a little closer…Ennis offered no resistance closing his eyes…willing to accept whatever Jack was getting ready to do.

"Stupid sonofabitch," Jack said quietly, his grip tight on Ennis for a moment, "I ain't never given you reason to think there's anyone else." He lets go of Ennis' coat and sets his hands on each side of Ennis' face, "It's only you, asshole, only you." Tears come to Jack's eyes. Ennis' lip quivers at Jack's tone and touch.

Ennis reaches up and takes one of Jack's hands into his placing it on his chest which pulls Jack a little closer. Jack reaches up and takes Ennis' hat off so he can see his eyes more clearly.

"It was all me, Jack. It was me wanting you all to myself. I wanted to be the only one to touch you, to be close. And then seeing you and J.D….," Ennis hung his head.

"I'm sorry, Jack, and nothing like that will ever happen again. And I heard all those things you said to me, I did…," Ennis' voice catches and he looks up at Jack working hard to get out what he needs to say, "and you got every right to stay away from me if you want…but I'm asking you, please, come on back."

Jack was at a complete loss now. Only rarely did Ennis open up like this to show him an inside no one else in the world was allowed to see. He pulled Ennis to his chest, his hand on the back of Ennis' neck, and kissed him on the top of the head.

He knows if he speaks at that moment, he won't be able to get anything out besides a sob. So he just holds Ennis.

"I ain't gonna lie, Ennis," Jack says into the top of Ennis' head, "you hurt me bad yesterday and all I wanted to do was run, but I know now that I left today because of what happened to me back when not because of you. I shoulda stayed and talked…I mean as long as you wasn't gonna try to punch me again," Jack said with a slight chuckle.

Ennis draws back to look at Jack, "Punch you again! I can barely eat after that right you swung at me," Ennis let out. "But I guess I know where you learned to fight like that."

Ennis blushes, "Guess that makes us even?" Jack smiles, "Guess so." Ennis lays his head back on Jack's chest.

"God, Ennis, I love you so much," Jack whispers softly, his hands in Ennis' hair. Ennis reaches around with one arm and pulls Jack tightly to him.

"I'm sorry, rodeo. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"We both had our part, cowboy. Enough blame to go around."

They stayed there pressed close…the pounding of each other's hearts loud and clear.

Ennis looks up at Jack, eyes pleading, afraid to ask what he needs to know, "You gonna come back? You gonna come back home with me?"

"Yeah, baby. I'm coming home." Jack says as he brushes the hair from Ennis' forehead. "Ya like them damn sheep, all the time following me around. What else am I supposed to do?" Ennis blows out the breath he has been holding.

"But right now, we need to go introduce you to my ma. She's awful anxious to meet the man her son loves." Ennis' look of puzzlement and confusion was too much for Jack who started laughing.

"She made me tell her, Ennis. And when my ma says you gotta talk…"

Ennis sits back. Jack saw Ennis' instinctive panic rising, "It's okay. Calm down now. We been talking a lot tonight…she's an amazing woman. It's gonna be fine. Besides, you can't drive all the way back to Riverton and, by the smell, you been drinking, so likely need something to eat. You don't know how happy it makes my ma to cook for someone else."

"Well, okay, Jack…"

"Come on, Ennis. She ain't got nobody to talk to ya know. Found out my pa died last year so she's pretty much been alone since then." Ennis' head snaps up at this news of Jack's father. "His horse threw him. That's why the ranch looks like it does." Ennis mouths an "I'm sorry." Jack nods.

"Thanks…but time to get that ass up and go on in, okay?" Jack moves to step away from Ennis but Ennis tightens his grip as he stands pulling Jack's hands to his posterior. "You mean this ass?" Jack nearly looses it but manages to choke out a "yes, that ass," as his the blood rushes to his head.

Ennis leans in close, "I love you, rodeo," then kisses Jack softly but with feeling. Jack responds but can only think, _I almost lost him 'cause of my foolishness._ They finally step apart, Jack drawing a finger across his lips, trying to hold on to the sensation of Ennis' lips on his. Then taking Ennis' hand he leads him to the house. Buck follows bounding around them like some kinda gazelle, happy that both of his daddies are there.

Mrs. Twist steps back from the kitchen door window to make coffee and get some food started.


	44. If Not For Fear XVI

"Ennis!" Jack shouted.

"Jack, I'm busy…" Ennis shouted back from the shower.

"Ennis, there ain't a damn thing to do around here and I'm bored."

"Damnit, Jack, go play with Buck."

"Already done that," Jack pouted. He had been wandering around the house, room to room, Buck on his heels, looking for something interesting to do after a week of working the ranch. Finding nothing he decided to make his own entertainment.

Tiptoeing through the living room to the bathroom like some cartoon character trying to sneak up on someone…nearly choking trying not to laugh…he made his way over to the toilet and without hesitation flushed it and ran.

The reaction was almost instantaneous.

"GODDAMN, SONOFABITCH……JACK!" Apparently Ennis didn't find the humor in this stunt that Jack did. "You better run, Twist, cause your ass is mine when I get outta here…"

Jack barely heard any of this. He was bent over double standing near the back of the couch outside of the bathroom door laughing so hard he could barely breathe. Buck stood near him, head cocked to the side, tongue out, wondering about this curious human behavior.

Jack stole a quick glance towards the bathroom but had no time to react to the wet, naked, and furious human missile that was headed his way. Ennis caught Jack with a flying tackle, which took them both over the back of the couch. They bounced off the cushions and landed in a heap on the floor, Jack dazed by the suddenness of Ennis' action. Ennis had each of Jack's wrists pinned. Buck was barking loudly feeling left out of all the activity, trying to wiggle his way in between the pair.

"So, cause you're bored, I gotta catch shit over it?" Ennis said through clenched teeth, holding Buck off with his hip.

All Jack could do was stare…then the laughing started again in earnest. The idea of Ennis running at him like that, naked and wet, was more than he could stand. Tears came to his eyes at the memory, brief though it was, and he had to acknowledge he wasn't bored anymore.

Through fits of laughter, "Well…cowboy…I guess…my ass is yours now." Jack's response to Ennis' earlier threat now took on a deeper meaning. Jack began to calm. He was staring straight into Ennis' eyes which held his like a snake with a bird.

"Yeah, rodeo….I guess it is."

Ennis only had a token grasp of Jack's wrists so he simply twisted them to release himself from Ennis' hands. Slowly Jack brought his hands to Ennis' face pulling it closer.

In a quiet, slightly shaking voice, Jack said, "Always yours, Ennis, only yours." Ennis kissed Jack fiercely acknowledging the statement…laying claim to what, Ennis realized, Jack had now and always freely offered.

No more boredom thanks to Jack. Both had plenty to occupy their time.

September, 1967…four months since Jack fled to Lightning Flat and his and Ennis' reconciliation…a year-and-a-half since Jack had showed up on Ennis' doorstep, wet and cold…just over four years since they had left the mountain.

Ennis understood now that Jack stayed of his own free will, choosing him over all others, and found it easier to see Jack around other men…as a matter of fact, Ennis more and more often joined in to share in some of the laughter and talk.

Jack had come to understand that Ennis' greatest fear had to do with losing him, so he'd reassure Ennis now and then that he wasn't going anywhere…that Ennis was his one and only.

There lives had been going on pretty smoothly…both continued at the ranch but at a higher capacity. The foreman and boss had quickly seen how valuable Jack and Ennis could be so had given them more responsibility…which meant some more money also. They were each happy with the vote of confidence and wanted to show that they could be trusted and relied upon so worked hard each day they were there.

As for trouble, there was the occasional sidelong glance or muffled comment as they passed, but for the most part, they were left alone. Of course, they didn't rub their relationship in anyone's face and only rarely came into town. Ennis had become more outgoing but never let loose of his caution and always kept a close eye on Jack wherever they happened to be.

Every other weekend, they headed over to Lightning Flat to help Mrs. Twist. They had done some much-needed repairs on the house…things Mrs. Twist had been unable to do herself. She was a ranch wife and just over 40 years old, so was strong and capable, but there was a lot she was not able to do alone.

They had made repairs on the roof, cleared out some of the brush surrounding the house so it would appear more presentable and repainted the inside and outside among other things. The patio on the front of the house got roofed so now Mrs. Twist could sit out in the shade any time of day in a rocker they had found or rest there in the evening when it got cool.

When the boys weren't there, Mrs. Twist would sometimes wander around the house running her hands over repairs the boys had made and an occasional tear would spring forth at the thought of her son returning…and bringing such a nice young man with him. She had someone to take care of again, a purpose, and often gave thanks to God for such a blessing.

One particular weekend, as Ennis and Jack were leaving to go back to Riverton, Jack had gone to the truck and Mrs. Twist had asked Ennis to stay for a moment.

"Ennis, I got something to ask you."

"Yes, ma'am," Ennis said with his hat in his hand. He liked Mrs. Twist and there was nothing he wouldn't do for her.

"Ennis, I would like it if you would call me Ma from now on." Ennis' head snapped up not in any way expecting this to be the reason Mrs. Twist had asked him to stay behind.

"Uh, Mrs. Twist…ma'am…uh, I don't know…I mean, you're Jack's mom, so…" Mrs. Twist laid a hand on Ennis forearm.

"Ennis, you love my son and have done right by him. I am truly grateful for that. You have come to my house and treated me with respect and kindness. I know that your own mother is gone so…I'd like to think of you as my second son…if you'd be so kind as to accept that from me." Mrs. Twist's eyes grew misty. "Now that Jack's father is gone, I would have two boys to fuss over, twice the joy and pride."

Ennis was stunned…frozen where he stood. Other than Jack, no one had ever shown this much interest in him. What Mrs. Twist wanted of him was very difficult for him to grasp. But he knew that he did like her. She had always been kind to him…always offering a good word, always supportive. And she really did make the best cherry cake he had ever eaten. He missed his own mom and had no one in his life to fill that role…so he made his decision.

Standing straight, trying to keep his voice together, he said, "I can't tell you what I feel right now, ma'am. I ain't had a mom for near ten years and, well, you been just like a mom to me since I met you. You treated me like a man and…," here Ennis had to turn aside so he could maintain his composure, "well, you been real good to me." He brushed the one tear from his face that had escaped. "I'd be more than honored, ma'am, if you'd see fit to think of me as your son."

Mrs. Twist smiled real wide and taking Ennis' face in her two hands, leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

"You do me the honor, Ennis. Now I have two sons. God has blessed me twice." She stepped back and looked at him for a moment. Then she turned and picked up some paper bags of food for them to take and walked out with him to the porch.

"You'll take care of Jack, now, okay? He don't always look where he's going, ya know."

Ennis chuckled, "Yes, ma'am, that's a fact." He stopped for a moment then said, "I ain't never gonna let anything happen to him. I promise." Mrs. Twist smiled and patted him on the shoulder. About then Jack stepped up onto the porch.

"You boys be careful driving back, ya hear?"

Ennis turned to Mrs. Twist, "I will…ma. We'll see you in two weeks. Call us if you need anything." Ennis stood for just a moment then reached out to give her a big hug which Mrs. Twist returned just as heartily.

Jack watching this was mystified, his jaw dropped to the patio floor. _Did he just call her "ma"? And he hugged her. Ennis never hugs anyone…well, except me. What in the world is going on here?_

Ennis took a few steps towards Jack, who now saw that Ennis had either been crying or was just about to let loose.

"Ennis?" Jack whispered Ennis looked up once at Jack then turned to nod goodbye to Mrs. Twist who, Jack saw, was having a difficult time not crying herself. Ennis strode off the patio and on towards the truck.

"Ma, what's going on? Are you alright?" Jack was now seriously concerned but his mother just patted him on the arm and said, "Everything is just fine, son. You take good care of Ennis, ya hear? He's a good man and needs you so he can stay that way." Before Jack could comment, Mrs. Twist starting shooing him off the patio and towards the truck. "Go on before you boys end up driving in the dark. I'll see ya in two weeks, okay?" She kissed him on the cheek and turned him towards the truck.

Jack called for Buck to come and walked over to the truck, every now and then looking back at the house his mother had just walked into. He kept shaking his head completely lacking any kind of understanding of what he had just seen.

When he got to the truck, Ennis was just standing there by the driver's door, facing away from Jack, food bag in hand. He walked over to face Ennis, "What in hell is going…," but was brought to a halt when he saw Ennis' face. His lip was quivering and his eyes were full of tears. His hands were shaking and little crinkly sounds came from the bag he was holding.

"Ennis…," Jack said now with concern.

"She…your mom…she…uh…asked me…to call her ma. She said…she wanted to think of me…as her son." Ennis took a deep breath trying to keep from crying but when he looked at Jack he wasn't able to hold it anymore. Jack reached out to hold Ennis while his tears flowed. Once Ennis had finished he stepped back from Jack wiping his face with his jacket sleeves. Jack saw that Ennis wanted to say more so remained quiet.

"You're the only one that's ever loved me, Jack. Nobody else really. But now, your mom…she…wants to be my mom. My mom died so long ago, ya know. She didn't pay much attention to me having to take care of children and a ranch," Ennis hesitated for a moment to pull himself together. "I never thought I'd ever have a mom that cared about me." Ennis looked down and saw he still had the food bag in his hands so opened the truck door and put it inside.

Jack, at this point, was stupefied. Neither of them had ever seen anything like this coming. He was happy, mind you, but it was just such a shock.

"My ma said all this to you?" Jack said quietly. Ennis just nodded.

Jack stood quiet for a moment, then it all broke loose, "WELL, SONOFABITCH, WHATYA THINK OF THAT? I ain't believin' this, cowboy. This is GREAT! We're brothers now! Yeehaaw!" And Jack started dancing around in excitement. Ennis just stood there staring at him like Jack had lost his mind.

"I mean that's kinda weird since we…well, ya know…kinda are in love and all that." Jack spun on Ennis real quick. "Does this mean we can't have sex no more, Ennis?"

Ennis, with a groan, saw where this was headed so grabbed Jack by the scruff of his jacket and shoved him towards the passenger's side of the truck.

"Just get your ass in the truck," Ennis said turning stern again. "We gotta get driving." Jack was not deterred in the least.

"But ain't there something about incest…ya know, brothers doin' it and all?" Jack wouldn't stop as he rounded the truck to get in the passenger's side.

"Jack!" came the warning from Ennis.

"Well, hell, Ennis, I don't know about these things. There might be a law or something." Jack knew how to egg Ennis on and, though he was very excited about this turn of events, still felt that Ennis shouldn't be spared his twisted and comic view of the world.

Ennis was in the driver's seat, Buck in the middle, and was starting the engine ready to leave without Jack if this was what he was going to have to put up with all the way home. He was thinking he might have made a bad decision in saying yes to Mrs. Twist.

As Jack went to get in the truck, he glanced at the door to the house. He saw his mom drinking some coffee watching out the window. He stopped for a moment, real serious, then smiled and waved at her, seeing her nod, before he jumped into the passenger seat.

Ennis had to stop the truck on the way back and threaten to bodily toss Jack out to get him to shut up. That only lasted ten miles.


	45. If Not For Fear XVII

It had been snowing something awful the last few days but had eased up earlier that day – Christmas Eve, 1967. It was mid-afternoon and the sky was a crisp blue, the wind was low, and Jack and Buck were having more fun in the snow than a man and his dog should be allowed.

Ennis had things to do inside so hadn't gone out to play but, as he passed one of the front windows, he stopped to watch Jack and Buck making fools of themselves out in the yard.

Jack was running around the yard in circles with a stick, teasing Buck and calling to him to, "come and get it, Bucky, come on…ah, you missed it." The whole time he was laughing and snorting, his eyes bright, his skin flushed from the exertion, his hair now sticking all which ways from getting wet in the snow.

All Ennis could do was stand, mesmerized at the sight. He never got tired of looking at Jack…never tired of hearing him laugh…never tired of the little boy inside that escaped on occasion.

Sometimes, like at that moment, he would wonder where he would be if he had not ever met Jack…what kind of man would he have turned out to be…would he ever have been able to find some kind of happiness.

He knew that he would have married Alma and, knowing what he knew right then as he stood there, it would have been a long, slow, suffocating existence. His heart might never have opened, his eyes might never have seen beauty, his body might never have known the bliss of contact with the one you love.

If he thought hard about it, which he didn't like to do, he saw a desolate and despairing existence. He knew what he had been like going up the mountain. If Jack hadn't appeared, he pretty much knew where his life would have gone.

He shook his head to dispel these dark thoughts. The truth was…Jack was here…Jack loved him…Jack was the reason his life had changed for the better.

He watched the two of them a little longer, a smile coming to his face and tears to his eyes. He thought that in all the world he was the luckiest son of a bitch there was. He dropped his head for a moment, the only way to break contact, and set out to finish the work he had to do.

A few minutes later, Jack and Buck came back inside, both shaking and scattering snow and sludge all over the place. From the kitchen, Ennis caught sight of this, "Jack, damnit, take your coat off outside and dry that dog off. You're like a coupla delinquents in there."

Jack stepped back to knock on the door sill using any kid's annoyingly high-pitched voice, "Hey, Mrs. Del Mar, can little Ennis come out to play?" Ennis could hear Jack snickering in the living room and talking conspiratorially to Buck.

"Got things to do, Jack."

"Aaawww, c'mon Ennis. It's beautiful outside and…Buck…yeah, Buck…wants you to come outside and play with him." Jack squatted down and grabbed Buck by the sides of his face saying in a Buck-type voice, "Come on out and play with me, Daddy Ennis. I'm tired of playing with Daddy Jack. He never lets me have the stick."

"Is that what it's gonna take to get you two wet critters outta this house?" Jack stood abruptly at attention.

"Yes, sir, that's what it's gonna take," Jack came back in a formal voice.

Ennis put his head down, sighing, figuring that he'd just have to put his work off until later.

Jack was standing facing him in front of the door, Buck by his side. Ennis strode forward reaching for his coat on the rack near the door when he spun towards Jack, grabbed him around the waist, threw him over his shoulder and bolted out the door. 

"Ennis!…ENNIS!…HEY…PUT ME DOWN…NO, NO, DON'T YOU DO THAT!"

But it was done. Ennis hit the end of the patio at a run headed straight for a snow mound. Jack knew what was coming and was determined that if he was going down so was Ennis, so he wrapped arms and legs anywhere he could and when Ennis went to toss him, they both went headlong into the snow.

Ennis came up first…snow everywhere…his face split into a grin. Before Jack could recover, Ennis had him pinned and was jamming snow into any opening of clothing he could find…most particularly the front of Jack's pants. The whole time Jack was screaming and begging him to stop…in between his hysterical laughter.

"So, I gotta come out and play, huh? Well, I don't know about you, Jack, but I'm having a great time." Ennis was laughing heartily…an occasion that didn't come often.

Ennis finally stood back and Jack shot up dancing around, jumping up and down and trying his best to get the snow out of his pants, mainly his pants, and shirt and anywhere else Ennis had managed to put it.

Still hopping but not as maniacally, he shot a seemingly mean glance at Ennis, "Hey, I coulda got frostbite you stuffing snow down my pants like that," he pointed a finger at Ennis, "and my dick coulda fell off. Then what kinda fun would you be having tonight, huh?"

"None at all, rodeo, none at all." Ennis walked over and gave Jack a big hug then told him he needed to come inside and get warm. Jack hesitated a moment.

"You go on in. I gotta pick up Buck's toys. I'll be right there." Ennis stepped back, looked Jack in the eye and since he saw no mischief assumed there was no mischief there. "Sure thing, Jack. See ya inside."

Jack let Ennis get about ten feet ahead of him, just before he stepped on the porch, then fast-balled a huge snowball right at him. It caught Ennis square in the back. Buck howled his appreciation of Jack's aim.

Ennis spun…Jack laughed…Ennis took one step…Jack stopped laughing…Jack started running.

By the time they finally got back in the house, Ennis had started shivering pretty badly and his lips were blue…too wet, wrong clothes, too cold. Jack was right behind him, pretty much the same problem…but Jack was wearing jackets and flannel shirts and boots and all.

He quickly shucked the heavy outer clothes he had on and grabbed Ennis dragging him to the bathroom. He turned on the hot water full blast, filling the tub up as quick as he could. He had Ennis get out of his wet clothes, getting out of his at the same time, and both got in the hot water…Jack behind Ennis holding him close.

"Warmer now, cowboy? It'll be okay in a bit." Ennis nodded feeling the warm soak in to counter the cold. After a little, Ennis began to relax. A thought ran fleetingly through his brain, If I gotta die…let it be right now so I can take all this with me.

Ennis whispered, "Ya know, rodeo, this is kinda like that first night you came here…that night you showed up outta nowhere." Jack had been told of what happened that night and winced inwardly at how bad his life had been at that time…how desperate he had been for so many things…but mainly for Ennis.

Jack fell quiet.

"You okay?" Ennis asked.

"Yeah, cowboy. I'm just thinking…how you saved my life. I mean, not just that night, but all the way till now." Jack leaned in close to Ennis' ear, "I'd be in the ground somewhere if it weren't for you." 

Ennis pulled Jack's arms tighter around him, "Jack, please…I don't wanna hear that kinda talk."

"It's true, ya know. Without you there ain't nothing left for me," Jack said quietly. He thought a moment then leaned into Ennis and whispered softly, "Tell ya what, cowboy, we're gonna live forever…just you and me. Ain't never gonna have to be apart, okay? Promise?"

Ennis couldn't fly so high in the realm of dreams like Jack…but because he could deny him nothing, "I promise, rodeo, I promise."

Buck came in the bathroom then, sat next to the tub and rested his chin on the edge just staring at them both. I need food so quit fooling around, Buck thought. Reality had imposed itself once again.

"Ennis, what the hell is taking you so long?" Jack said seriously exasperated, "You ain't gotta make them clothes, just put 'em on."

"Jack…I done warned you once…"

Jack mumbled, "Wouldn't a damn thing get done around here if I didn't stay on your ass about it."

"I heard that…"

Jack glanced towards the front window, "Well, hear this. J.D.'s here and your ass is still getting ready."

Jack started towards the door. Ennis came out of the bedroom right behind him, head down buttoning his shirt. So it was a great surprise when he found Jack stopped dead in front of him.

"Damnit, Jack, put your brake lights on if you're gonna stop like that."

"Shuuush," Jack said with a flurry of hands pushing Ennis back.

"Jack, now you're getting on my nerves…"

"Ennis, look," Jack couldn't keep the excitement out of his voice.

"What, Jack. It's J.D."

"But who's with J.D.?"

Ennis looked out and saw the back of a youngish-looking man getting out of the cruiser, the passenger side of the car facing the house. J.D. had gone to the back seat to get some presents and as he stood up, a broad smile broke across his face when he looked at the other man. Ennis and Jack jumped back from the window so as not to be seen spying.

"Ennis…Ennis, J.D. done got himself a friend!" Jack was hissing, so excited Ennis had to put a hand on his shoulder to keep him from jumping around.

"Well, I'll be damned…"

"Ennis, what are we gonna do? I ain't gonna know what to say."

Ennis turned one of his most serious looks upon Jack who, when he looked up, did a double-take.

"You aren't gonna know what to say?" Ennis said incredulous.

"Well, I guess you're right. I'm just real excited for him."

"Now, Jack, you don't know yet if J.D.'s sweet on this guy yet. Don't go jumping to conclusions." A knock at the door.

"Okay, Ennis, here we go. Behave yourself, okay?"

Ennis threw another look of total bafflement at Jack…which, of course, went completely unnoticed.

Jack opened the door to greet J.D. and his friend but when J.D. offered his hand to shake, Jack reached out and pulled him into a great, big hug. J.D. was taken off-guard but returned it in kind…laughing all the time understanding Jack's mercurial character.

Jack stepped back and, without hesitation, put his hand out for J.D.'s friend to shake.

"Jack. Jack Twist. Damn glad to meet ya." Ennis stole a glance at J.D. and rolled his eyes. He saw that J.D. understood.

Ennis reached over and grabbed Jack by the shoulder pulling him back into the room. Ennis stepped forward to shake J.D.'s hand.

"Good to see ya, J.D. Merry Christmas." He turned to the other man offering his hand, "Ennis Del Mar. Glad you could come by."

Now that Jack was at a safe distance and Ennis had finished the introductions, J.D. could do his.

"Ennis…Jack…this is Dale Walters. Dale's an EMT at the hospital down the road."

"It's a pleasure to meet the both of you. J.D.'s told me a lot about you guys." Jack kinda giggled in the back. Ennis shot another look at J.D. who smiled, both knowing that Jack was going to be insufferable for the rest of the evening.

"Why don't the two of you come on inside. Awful cold out there."

Dale offered Ennis a package, "Well, I hope this will help ease some of this god-awful weather you guys have up here. We got nothing like this down in Houston."

Ennis opened the package and pulled out some Jack Daniel's Single Barrel…a quality whiskey that neither Jack nor Ennis had ever had or heard of…most welcome on a night like this.

They all turned to walk in and saw Jack, still beaming, shuffling from foot to foot.

Ennis let out a little groan then stepped into the room with their guests.


	46. If Not For Fear XVIII

Jack's excitement over J.D. and his guest stemmed from the fact that the three of them…Ennis, Jack, and J.D….had become the best of friends. And here was J.D., lonely for so long, coming to Christmas Eve dinner with…an acquaintance.

After Ennis and Jack had returned from Lightning Flat, Jack relayed to Ennis the story that J.D. had so painfully told to him. After hearing it, Ennis had left the house and wandered outside a long time, silent, wondering how he would feel if Jack were to die…alone…without him. How would he feel if he had been unable to protect him from harm…had been unable to say goodbye.

After that, Ennis had contacted J.D. and asked him to come by. Ennis stood on the porch, hands in his pockets, scuffing his foot on the wood as J.D. approached.

"Hey, Ennis. I got your call. Everything alright?"

"Jack told me about Nathan, J.D."

J.D. stopped a few feet away from Ennis not expecting this reception.

"I'm real sorry. I can't know what you went through, but if I think of losing Jack…," Ennis paused caught up in that terrible thought. "I'm real sorry about Nathan

J.D. looked down at his feet, then over to his left, then back at his feet. He looked up at Ennis to see unshed tears. His own eyes began to water. Ennis stepped towards J.D., hand extended. As J.D. took Ennis' hand to shake, Ennis grabbed J.D.'s hand in a firm grip, "If you ever need anything, J.D…if you need to talk…or…if you need a friend…well…." Ennis held J.D.'s hand for a moment longer then released it.

"If you got some time, Sheriff, why don't ya come on inside for some coffee." J.D. looked down at his feet again, then nodded to Ennis. They both walked on into the house.

The three of them sat down for a long time and talked about Nathan. Some tears flowed and their friendship was firmly cemented that day. For J.D. the opportunity to have friends of the same inclination was a blessing he never thought he'd have.

Having Ennis and Jack as friends helped J.D. to open up and believe that maybe he could end his loneliness. He felt like there might be a glimmer of hope on the horizon for him. It was when he responded to a shooting outside Riverton that the glimmer began to brighten.

The sheriff's office had received a call from a hysterical woman shouting that her husband was trying to kill her. Sparse territory that this was, the dispatcher knew most everybody and recognized Edith's voice right away. This wasn't the first call that they had ever received from her and had to respond to. Her husband was an alcoholic…and a sad and pathetic excuse for a man…and beat up on her on a regular basis. This time though there was a gunshot and the line went dead.

J.D. was called to the scene and the hospital was notified to send an ambulance.

The ambulance had arrived a couple minutes before J.D. and the two attendants had pulled out a gurney, one of them was pulling it towards the door of the house, the other taking equipment out of the back of the ambulance.

Two things happened simultaneously…J.D. pulled up and the husband stepped out of the house raising a rifle as he walked towards the ambulance driver.

"GET THE HELL OFF MY FUCKIN' PROPERTY 'FORE I BLOW YOUR HEAD RIGHT OFF YOUR SHOULDERS!"

The ambulance driver was taken up short…he had been walking backwards pulling the gurney and turned to see a rifle in his face.

"BILLY, YOU DROP THAT RIFLE RIGHT NOW!"

"Sheriff, you better take your men outta here! I ain't kiddin'!" The deputy hung back so as not to crowd Billy but J.D. continued walking. He shifted his gaze to the ambulance driver who, at the same time, glanced over at J.D. J.D. nearly forgot where he was and what he was doing. In this man's gaze, he saw a similar plea for help that he had seen from Nathan so many years ago when they had first made contact. With great effort, he snatched his eyes away and focused back on Billy.

"Billy, these men are here to help Edith. Now you drop that rifle…" J.D. reached up slowly and took off his hat knowing he would have to get close and he didn't want it in the way…or to get dirty.

"Screw the bitch! She can die for all I care! I know she's cheatin' on me. I see all those people looking at me and laughing when I walk into town. They all know."

"Billy, ain't nobody looking at you any which way. We been over this a bunch a times now." J.D. said calmly as he stepped up within a couple of feet of the two of them. He dropped his hat behind him.

"Don't believe ya, Sheriff…" As Billy yammered on, J.D. turned slightly to the ambulance driver and quietly asked, "What's your name?" Slowly the man responded in a hushed, strained whisper, "Dale." He never took his eyes, green eyes, off J.D. who continued to have difficulty keeping his attention on Billy.

J.D. slid between Dale and the rifle barrel then backed up to push Dale a little distance away. When J.D. made contact with Dale, a spark ran through him causing a loss of concentration on the rifle which J.D. found to be really disconcerting.

He slid his hand slowly up toward the rifle barrel and pushed it aside, "Now, Billy, I'm asking you to put this rifle down now. You're really scaring Dale here and all he came to do was help Edith. So you gimme the rifle, okay?"

Billy yanked once on the rifle, "No, I ain't…" J.D. shot out with his left fist catching Billy square in the face. Billy rocked back once then dropped straight to the ground.

"Got no time for this," J.D. said calmly. "Ya cain't never argue with this man. He just won't shut up." J.D. realized he was still pressed against Dale, who was breathing real heavy, and though he had the strongest desire to stay just that way as long as he could, he knew he needed to step away. So, stepping forward and taking the rifle by the stock, he retrieved his hat then turned to face Dale.

Dale had his eyes closed. He slowly dropped his hands and placed them on his knees. His breathing was heavy and he was shaking slightly. He kept saying, "Shit…shit…shit." J.D. put a hand on his shoulder, "You alright?" Dale's hand shot out to grab the fabric at J.D.'s waist…something to ground him. Another jolt of desire went through J.D. at this contact.

Now that Billy was no longer a problem, J.D. could indulge in looking more closely at Dale. He saw a handsome man, younger looking than J.D.'s estimate of early 30's, about the same height, dark blonde hair, green eyes (the first thing he noticed), radiating this palpable vulnerability that always drew J.D.'s protector side like nothing else.

It took everything to not reach down and draw him close to ease his fear.

Dale stood up a few seconds later. He realized he was still holding onto J.D. and snatched his hand away, "I'm sorry. I'm real sorry." J.D. felt the sudden vacuum created as Dale turned and stepped a couple of feet away.

"I ain't never had a gun in my face before," Dale said with his back turned.

"It's okay. It's always rough the first time. Two or three more times and you'll get used to it," J.D. said jokingly. Dale turned giving a weak smile.

J.D. nodded towards the house, "Got a patient waiting on ya." Dale's head snapped up. J.D. watched Dale's concern for his patient flood back and his concentration sharpen.

"Sorry. Thanks again. I owe ya," and he strode on into the house with his gurney followed closely by his partner. J.D. saw Dale glance once in his direction as he went through the front door.

J.D. went over to help his deputy, who had already handcuffed Billy. Together they carried the unconscious man to the cruiser, not hard since he was a skinny little guy, and placed him in the back. As they finished, Dale and his partner came out with Edith.

"She's gonna be okay, Sheriff. Just a graze to the arm. But we need to go ahead and get her to the hospital." Dale was trying not to look at J.D., embarrassed by having grabbed him earlier around other people like he had. _Damn, why would you go and do something like that? How could you slip up so bad? Yeah, there was the whole gun-in-the-face thing…but…damn…gotta be more careful._

"Well…uh, I'm sure we'll meet again…this whole people-shooting-people thing, ya know. Hear it happens pretty regularly." Dale dropped his head, closed his eyes and groaned. _People-shooting-people thing? HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID? Shut up while you're ahead! _Dale looked up red from embarrassment.

"Okay…well…gotta go." And with that, Dale took off with Edith never looking back, the whole time thinking, _Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_

J.D. stood there for a few minutes replaying the whole incident from first sight of Dale to last sight of Dale trying to figure out what was up with this man. Why was Dale so nervous? Sure, J.D. had twinges of desire running through him at the sight of this man but…could Dale…could he be thinking the same way? J.D. was so out of practice at looking at other men or knowing when they were looking at him, that he wasn't sure.

He found old memories and feelings that he thought he had buried forever, rising, surfacing to the forefront of his brain. Part of him felt awkward and another elated at needs and desires opening up that had been stifled. A small whisper of hope blew across his mind causing him to smile…slightly. He felt a bit of a stirring down below that hadn't occurred for a long time.

"Sheriff, you comin'?"

J.D. remembered that his deputy was waiting for him to take Billy to the station. He'd have to put these new…yet old…thoughts aside for a little while. He'd return to them later…yes, he'd return.

"Seems new guy's kinda the nervous type," deputy pointed out.

"Seems so."

"Ain't gonna last long out here if he don't toughen up some."

"Just needs some time, I guess."

J.D. took one last look at the scene, still seeing Dale, then turned and walked to the cruiser.

_I don't even know him. How could I lose my cool so completely?_ Dale's mind was reeling from his contact with J.D. _Maybe you act different when your life is in the hands of some scrawny, alcoholic, living-in-the-middle-of-nowhere, crazy man with bad teeth and access to a gun. That must be it. _Dale didn't believe that for a moment and knew that he had been instantly taken by J.D. _But it's a hopeless situation. He ain't queer. No way. I mean, look at him! I'm just gonna have to let this go. Can't be goin' around carrying a torch for some straight guy. Ain't no future in that._

He remembered the moment his eyes fell on J.D. He thought, first, that he recognized him but just couldn't quite remember from where. Then he realized he had never seen him before but now couldn't take his eyes off him. Then J.D. was right in front of him and he could feel the heat from his body. Then…oh, God…J.D. had leaned against him and pushed, Dale realized after a few seconds, to get him to back up. He hadn't wanted to break that contact for anything.

The feeling that he was completely protected by J.D. was nearly as intoxicating as the contact. It was all he could do to maintain his composure…and keep little Dale, Jr. from standing at attention.

Dale couldn't get the picture of J.D. out of his mind…the dark brown hair and brown eyes, the stocky body that fit so well into that uniform, the strong jaw and strong hands. He could still see how J.D. had walked…no…strode up the yard towards Billy…the aura of command and authority that surrounded him, his quiet confidence that never wavered…all of these things coming together as one very striking package.

"Hey, man, you look like you're off on some other world."

Dale was jerked back to reality by his partner's voice. He had drifted so far away, he had forgotten where he was and his reason for being there.

"We're about a minute away. You ready?" Dale shook his head.

"Yeah, ready to roll. C'mon let's get this done." Dale tried to pump himself up to do his job, pushing all thoughts of J.D. aside to accomplish that…though he wasn't able to push J.D. too far away.


	47. If Not For Fear XIX

Dale had been going about his daily routine for a month now…he did his job, he cleaned his house, he talked to people…but the whole time his mind was on J.D.

He knew that this was an infatuation that would reap no good results. Not only would nothing come of it…but it could result in serious bodily harm. _Remember where you are, Dale, Wyoming, for Christ's sake! People die out here for what you're thinking. Ya gotta get over this._

But he couldn't release the image of J.D. striding toward Billy…his confidence, the way that shirt fit across his chest. Nor could he blot out the feeling of J.D. pressing against him, backing him away from the gun.

He would try not to think of how good it would feel for J.D. to hold him, to touch him, to whisper in his ear things meant only for him and no one else. But he failed every time and fantasies of him and J.D. would return, each time stronger than before. _Why does it always have to be men I can never have? Why can't it ever be someone that can feel for me what I can feel for them?_

In the last month, he had seen J.D. twice but the urgency of the situation…both times there had been bad vehicle accidents…prevented him from saying hello.

The first time, Dale had been pulling the gurney toward the ambulance. He was walking backwards, pulling while his partner pushed. He happened to look up and caught sight of J.D. who had just stepped out of his cruiser and was walking toward the scene…J.D. looked up and saw him. Dale did a double-take which did not go unnoticed by J.D…nor did J.D. miss Dale stumble while their eyes locked. When Dale looked up again, he saw J.D. smiling. _Damn, now he's laughing at me. I'll never be able to face this man again. He must think I'm some kinda idiot._

Dale recovered and with one last, quick glance finished putting the patient in the ambulance and left for the hospital. J.D. saw the blush of embarrassment that rose from Dale's neck to engulf his face.

The next time he saw J.D. he caught himself smiling this goofy kinda smile when J.D. caught sight of him. He kicked himself for two days after that.

J.D. had been doing kinda okay the last month since the incident at Billy's…and his first sight of Dale…except when he slept. Then Dale would come to him in dream, kinda nervous like he was, and ask J.D. to hold him, to protect him…the very thing J.D. most wanted to do. He could feel Dale, naturally and without thought, work to create a place for J.D. to rest and escape from the daily struggle of upholding the law.

In his dreams, they'd lie together…sometimes on the couch, sometimes in the bed, occasionally in the forest under the great pine trees that grew on the mountains. On occasion, J.D. would wake with a tightness in his throat and a tear threatening to fall, the image of them making quiet but passionate love haunting him.

J.D. had seen Dale twice since the incident at Billy's. Both were at accident sites. The first time, he had just stepped out of his cruiser and taken only a couple of steps when he looked up to see Dale, about fifty feet away, pulling a gurney with a patient. He saw Dale look up suddenly, then double-take when he saw who it was. He watched Dale stumble, nearly falling, as he backed up to the ambulance. J.D.'s muscles twitched as he unconsciously went to catch him. Of course, he was too far away but when he realized what he had just done, a little smile came to his lips. He felt for a moment the need to protect that he so craved. Seeing Dale's embarrassment, he turned away so as not to make it any worse for him.

The second time, at another accident, was an even shorter instance and J.D.'s turn to double-take. He looked up to see Dale, not knowing he was there, and saw him smile this quirky, goofy kinda smile, and then go all serious, the blood flushing his face. Dale tried to look everywhere but in his direction. It hurt him a little but he let it go. Dale was busy with a difficult situation and didn't have the time to spare him.

Then one day when J.D. was home cooking dinner…with Dale on his mind…things began to add up. He had thought that Dale was just a nervous type and all his stumbling and double-takes were just how Dale was…how he reacted to people. J.D. had thought that his interest in Dale would never be reciprocated.

But J.D. began to look at each of the times he had seen Dale and in a flash he saw that Dale might feel the same way he did. He got so caught up in this revelation that his dinner burned right under his nose before he could shake himself free from the vision.

He turned the stove off and sat down at his table. He was shaking a little and telling himself, _Don't get carried away. Don't make any assumptions before you know. You might be wrong…then again, of course, you might be right. Oh, God, let me be right. _

J.D.'s infatuation with Dale increased significantly with his realization that Dale MIGHT actually have feelings for him. It was a heady thought that, after all this time since Nathan (who still brought a tear to his eye when J.D. thought of him,) there might be someone that he could love and care for.

So it was that one day when he arrived at the hospital to ask some questions of a patient, he turned a corner, his mind occupied by the incident he was investigating, and collided with Dale.

"Damn!" J.D. said caught off-guard and surprised. Dale just let out a "woof" as he practically bounced off J.D.'s greater height and weight. A minor degree of irritation rising and "watch where you're going" were blown away when J.D. saw it was Dale.

"Dale…" J.D. managed to stutter out. Dale, recovering, looked to see J.D. The color drained from Dale's face and he stood frozen in his spot.

Neither one could move for a matter of a couple of seconds.

"Sheriff," Dale said very quietly…less a greeting or acknowledgment and simply a recognition of who stood in front of him.

More seconds passed. Dale began to start fidgeting. J.D. never moved just staring at Dale.

Life returned to both.

"Um…I'm sorry, Sheriff…uh…wasn't watching where I was going. Sorry." Dale looked right at J.D. for a moment. J.D., if he was uncertain about Dale's interest, was now completely assured. The look in Dale's eyes was so full of longing that it was unmistakable. Dale broke eye contact and dropped his head, blowing out a breath of air. He turned his head to the side then down again.

"Dale…," J.D. said and stepped forward one step.

Dale backed up a step and then another grabbing the bag he was holding to his chest, "Gotta go…," his hand going to his forehead revealing his confusion, "um…something I gotta do…an appointment. Uh…good to see you, Sheriff," and he went to step around J.D.

J.D. reached out and took him by the arm…not forcefully, just enough to let him know he didn't want him to leave.

"Dale, I…"

"I really have to go, Sheriff…"

J.D. was still holding Dale's arm, "Dale, can I talk to you…"

Dale looked up at J.D. with fear, anguish and desire in his eyes. None of these were lost on J.D.

"Please…," Dale said, his voice strained, quiet…said in just the merest of breaths. His eyes teared up just enough to be noticeable.

J.D., his heart sinking, slowly removed his hand, nodded once, and watched Dale walk away. He saw Dale get to the exit door but when he grabbed the door knob he hesitated for a moment. J.D. saw the slight turn of Dale's head as if he wanted to look back, he saw the slump of the shoulders showing dejection. Then Dale opened the door and was gone.

J.D. didn't move for a long time. He didn't notice that people passed him by wondering why he was standing in the middle of the hall alone and unmoving.

Dale of course didn't have an appointment. He was headed home with nothing to do that day. But the whole way there his mind was on nothing but J.D. and once again the feel of their bodies close.

He could remember every point of contact…how his hand had gone to J.D.'s chest unconsciously to prevent the crash. He could still feel the strength in the muscles there…he could still remember the smell and heat of J.D.'s body close like they had been. He would never forget J.D.'s eyes from the first time they had met but contact with them again only reinforced their power and self-confidence

Once home, he dropped his bag as he walked, oblivious to where he dropped it. He sat on his couch, head in hands. _Why can't I get over him? Why can't I forget him? Damn that man for being here. No…no…I don't mean that. I just want…I want to touch him so bad…to stand close…I want him to hold me. But he ain't gonna do that. It ain't never gonna happen. What am I gonna do?_

Dale didn't get up for a long time.

J.D. got home later that night after questioning the patient…half-heartedly, briefly, all the time thinking of Dale.

He sat on his couch, head in hands. _Why is he so afraid of me? Maybe the Sheriff thing? Officer of the law and all that? There's nothing for him to hide. I shouldn't have but I did check up on him. He ain't got a record of any kind. No reason there. But he keeps running…like a rabbit from a coyote. Am I a coyote to him? But I ain't done nothing to scare him away. I've barely said two words to him. Patience, J.D., patience. Just wait. Just wait…but so hard to wait._

J.D. didn't get up for a long time.


	48. If Not For Fear XX

Over the next couple of weeks, what with his dreams and the gut need to get close, J.D. decided he was gonna have to take the initiative and get the two of them together despite Dale's nervousness and need to avoid him. Maybe if he asserted himself…like he wasn't capable of doing that when he needed to…to get Dale to stay still for a minute so they could at least have something resembling a conversation. Yeah, that's what he'd do. He needed to be careful though not to run Dale off or frighten that little rabbit inside him.

This decision calmed him down and strengthened his resolve. He finally had a course to follow.

He had driven to the hospital one day on sheriff business and seen Dale drive away so now knew what his car looked like. On occasion, he would drive by just to see if Dale was there. One day he saw the car but when he went to turn in was overwhelmed with a sudden bout of insecurity and what if's. He drove on by telling himself it'd be okay next time.

A couple of days later, he drove by again. Seeing Dale's car, he pulled into the parking lot but didn't get out. He sat, his hands on the steering wheel, gathering the courage he thought he had already gathered.

He jumped out of the car knowing he needed to before he could think of any more excuses and reasons not to see Dale. He walked up to the emergency room door…more likely to find Dale there…and before he could get to the front desk to ask for him, Dale walked out the doors to his right.

He hadn't been looking up when he entered the room and had taken a couple steps before he looked up and saw J.D. He froze where he stood. J.D., shaking inside, grabbed the initiative he said he would show and walked over to Dale.

"Hi, Dale." J.D. extended his hand to shake Dale's. He saw Dale quickly look over at the desk where the nurse sat but she was on the phone so was paying no attention. He looked back at J.D. and a quick smile flashed across Dale's face…as one would when greeting another person…but it only lasted a moment then Dale's face reverted to one of anguish and fear. J.D. saw this but persevered…despite his own nervousness and insecurities.

Dale, looking down, finally realized that J.D. had offered his hand. He took it and they shook. Both responded to the contact of the other and both were hard-pressed to release the other's hand so stood there for a little longer than socially acceptable before dropping their hands.

Before Dale could make any excuses and run, J.D. started talking, "So, finally get a chance to talk to you…no more accident sites and crashes in the hall." J.D. smiled a little to show he was joking and trying to be friendly. Dale smiled weakly, looking at the nurse to see if she saw them and at the door for an escape route.

"Ya know, usually when there's someone new I get to work with, I stop by to say hello and get to know them some…kinda introduce them to the area." J.D. wanted to grab Dale and hold him close seeing the fear in his eyes and stance.

All Dale could think was, _Please, God, don't do this to me. I can't stand him being this close to me, talking, looking so fucking good…please._

"I know we ain't crossed paths much, the two of us working the way we do, but I thought I'd give it a shot and see if you had some time. Don't know if you've had the chance to visit some of our illustrious bars around the area for a beer but would be right honored if you'd let me show you some of our finer establishments." J.D. groaned, _Why the hell am I talking like this? Get a grip on yourself, man!_

Dale just stared at J.D., his mouth kinda open, this look of incomprehension on his face. Dale stood there frozen long enough that J.D. thought he had really made some terrible mistake. Embarrassment began to rise in him when Dale began to speak.

"I…uh…well, that's awful good of you, Sheriff." With J.D. this close to him, his desire was nearly uncontrollable. Yet he also knew the futility of allowing this desire to take shape with J.D. Dale closed his eyes for a moment and dropped his head. _I can't stand this anymore. I know this won't go anywhere but it's just too hard. Maybe I could just be his friend. Maybe I could handle just that. Maybe. _

Dale had already been through a couple situations like this…falling for some straight guy…and knew the pain and heartbreak associated with that. But here was J.D. standing in front of him, all man, everything Dale liked and more._ He's making the first step. I mean, it's just going to a bar for a beer or something, how can that hurt. Why not, ya know, it's just a beer._

J.D. had begun to wonder if Dale was going to saying anything else or make another excuse to leave but finally Dale looked up.

"I ain't been out since I got here…the job and all…and a beer sounds good." Dale was smiling a little more than he had and J.D. felt a sense of joy and excitement rise up in him. It took him a moment to get his voice back.

"Well…great then! That's great. Uh, I have to go back to my place to change. Can't be going out in my uniform and all. Do you live near here? We could run by your house for you to get some clothes. You probably want to get outta them scrubs."

"No, actually. I live a good ways away from here. But I have a change of clothes in the car for emergencies. I could use those."

"Well, um, why not come on to my house. It's only a few minutes from here and we can both change and head out…if that's okay with you. I could drive. The bar's not far away either so I could get you back here to your car after."

This was running a little too fast for Dale. The thought of going to J.D.'s house was causing a bit of anxiety. _Do it. Do it. Do it, _he kept telling himself. _Don't stop now._

"Uh, sure. Sounds good to me. Let me get my things outta the car." Dale turned around and walked out of the emergency room. J.D. stood there for a little bit longer then followed Dale out.

Dale came walking back toward J.D. who led him to the cruiser. They both got in and left for J.D.'s house.

There was little conversation on the way. Both were too nervous around the other, especially with the proximity. Both wanted to reach out and touch the other, feel that electric contact.

They got to J.D.'s house not long after leaving the hospital. J.D. showed Dale in and paced nervously about for a minute before showing Dale the guest room where he could change.

Dale sat on the bed, head in his hands. _Get a grip! Get a grip! He's just a friend. He wants to be your friend. You want to be his...well, that's not what you want to be…but maybe that's all you can get. Be thankful for that._

He got up and changed out of his hospital scrubs and into his spare clothes. He packed his bag with the scrubs and, taking a deep breath, stepped out of the room.

As he stepped into the hall, he looked to his left and there was J.D.'s room. The door was open about a third of the way, showing some of the interior of the room. As he stood there, J.D. walked to the dresser near the door and Dale could see him standing there looking for clothes.

Dale had changed his work pants to jeans, the buckle undone. He hadn't put on his boots yet so was in his socks. What caught Dale's attention and caused him to freeze where he stood was that J.D. wasn't wearing a shirt and Dale could see him very clearly.

What he saw was a well-developed, strong upper body, a hairy chest…not that curly hair but the straight kind that laid flat on the chest…and arms that matched in strength. He wasn't able to take his eyes off this sight.

J.D. had picked out a shirt and was buttoning it when he happened to glance out the door seeing Dale in the hall. Dale snapped out of his reverie and saw J.D. staring at him. Dale stiffened, his eyes going wide. He started backing up, fear erupting through him. _Oh, my God! He saw me. What the hell was I doing watching him. God, now he's gonna know. Gotta get outta here. _Dale began to back up.

J.D. saw Dale's face and the fear that was clearly written there. His heart clenched. Things had been going so good for a little while. He couldn't lose this good first step that they had been able to make. He headed for the door to stop Dale.

"Dale, wait…"

Dale continued to back up, no longer fear but panic now showing in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to look…I mean, I wasn't watching…," Dale said softly.

"Wait…it's okay. You don't need to leave."

Dale had turned from the hall to the living room on his way to the door to escape. J.D.'s desire and need for Dale filled him as he rushed to stop him from leaving. Caution was thrown to the wind when he reached out to grab Dale's arm, stopping him where he stood. There was no way for Dale to break that grip. J.D. pulled Dale towards him and up against the wall. Dale had turned his head and closed his eyes.

"Dale, what's wrong?" Then J.D. heard what he never, ever expected to hear.

In a very quiet, pleading voice, Dale said, "Please…don't hurt me."

"Hur…," J.D. couldn't even get the word out before his throat closed up, his chest tightened and it got hard to breathe. All he could do was stare...stunned. "Hurt you?" Suddenly J.D. released Dale and stepped back a half-step. "I could never…it would never…happen."

Dale stood there glancing at J.D. occasionally, the fear lessening with J.D.'s admission that he was safe.

"Dale, talk to me."

Dale looked J.D. straight in the eyes, "I thought I could be your friend…I mean I wanted to be…but…it's just too hard. Every time I see you… I know you don't feel the same way…so…I just gotta go now. I'm sorry." But Dale couldn't move. His fear of J.D. fought with his need to stay near him.

J.D. stood there for a moment then said to Dale, "You're wrong about me, ya know."

J.D. placed his hands on the back of Dale's neck, thumbs on his cheeks. Dale's breath hitched and J.D. heard the bag hit the floor as Dale lost his grip. Dale brought one hand up to J.D.'s elbow to hold on, watching him all the time.

J.D. said very quietly, "I don't want you to leave, Dale. I don't…please stay, okay?"

J.D. leaned in slowly. Dale closed his eyes, a soft, "Oh, God," coming from his lips. J.D. kissed him…quietly but passionately. At first Dale couldn't respond, his confusion paralyzing him, but as the realization struck that J.D. was coming to him…holding him the same way he had dreamed and fantasized…he gave in, threw his arms around J.D. and returned the kiss with an equal degree of passion.

As their kiss began to ease and they surfaced for breath, it occurred to Dale that J.D. was practically holding him up. His legs had gone weak and, without J.D. in front and the wall behind, he would have gone straight to the floor.

J.D. had felt Dale go limp but had no problem keeping him on his feet. As Dale strengthened and could stand on his own, J.D. slowly moved his hands and forearms flat to the wall just to each side of Dale's head. He still leaned every inch of himself into Dale but it was easier for him to stay upright now…he was not immune to the weakness brought on by being this close to Dale.

J.D.'s feelings for Dale, the emotions he had kept damped down, were welling inside him. He was trembling and kept trying to say something, anything, but nothing would come out. Dale just held J.D. tightly, not moving, lost in his own desires and feelings for him.

J.D. finally found his voice, husky and harsh from desire and passion, "I have thought of you…dreamt about you…every day since I first saw you with…," here J.D. took a quick breath, "with that gun in your face. I could have killed Billy right then."

J.D. stopped for a moment resting his forehead in the crook of Dale's neck. He didn't see that Dale was staring at the opposite wall, tears rolling down his face.

"It's been a long time since I had someone in my life…someone I could care for…someone like you." He whispered quietly to Dale, "I don't want you to go. I don't want you to leave me here alone. Say you'll stay, Dale. Please, say you'll stay."

Dale just stood there…lost and struggling to keep some kind of equilibrium. The fear when J.D. had turned to see him in the hall…the shock when J.D. took his head in his hands…the heat of J.D. against him…the smell and brush of skin. All these warred inside him and he couldn't find a center…someplace rational to work from.

But these last words of J.D., "Please don't leave me alone…please stay," gave Dale something to hold onto, like a lifesaver in a stormy sea. He was able to push the spinning thoughts and feelings aside for a moment.

He eased the death grip he had around J.D.'s chest and slid his hands between them. J.D. responded by rocking back a little so that now he was leaning against the wall, his arms extended and his hands still on the wall to each side of Dale's head. Dale brought his hands to the sides of J.D.'s face. He ran one hand through J.D.'s hair drawing an involuntary shudder from him. J.D. dropped his head, tears forming, his control cracking from the fear of losing Dale and the hope that he would stay.

Dale leaned in to kiss J.D. on the head and said quietly, "This ain't real. It can't be real." Dale began to draw J.D. in slowly…J.D.'s hands began to slide down the wall.

"It ain't possible that someone like you…a man like…you..," Dale couldn't find the words. He had never rehearsed what he never thought he'd ever use. "If you want me to stay, there ain't nothing that can drag me away from here." J.D.'s hands had come off the wall and he had lightly wrapped his arms around Dale's waist. "If you want me…then I ain't never gonna leave."

With one sob, J.D. went to the floor. Dale, caught off-guard, was only a moment behind him, holding him as he went down. They both sat on the floor, exhausted from the emotions, once checked and repressed, now free to fill them and spill over. Neither could speak, neither moved, for a long time.

Finally J.D. gathered his strength and stood. He reached down and took Dale's hand to help him up. Without releasing that hand, and with one shy glance to Dale, he turned towards the bedroom leading him in.

The next morning as Dale lay with his head on J.D.'s chest listening to his heart beat, running his hand through the hair on J.D.'s chest, a thought caused Dale's eyes to pop open and a snort of a laugh break free, "Ya know, Sheriff, I don't know your name."

J.D. started to laugh then pulled Dale up closer so he could introduce himself properly.


	49. If Not For Fear XXI

Ennis had walked out to the porch in front of the house, a glass of the whiskey that Dale had brought held to his chest and appreciated for the fine liquor that it was.

He thought to himself that in his whole life there had never been a day for him happier than this one. Given his character and his tendency to stay within himself, pushing the rest of the world away, it was a major event for him to allow these feelings to surface.

J.D. and Dale had come by for Christmas Eve dinner...Dale being a completely unexpected addition to the evening. Jack had been…well, Jack…laughing and joking with Dale and J.D., on fire with his excitement. He had wanted to hear all about how J.D. had met Dale and no amount of embarrassment on their part had kept him from prying.

At one point as Ennis had stepped into the living room from the kitchen, he saw that Dale and J.D. were talking to each other with Jack standing near. Ennis stopped at the doorway and looked towards Jack who happened, at the same time, to look up at Ennis. Both froze seeing the other look up.

As Jack looked across the room, his eyes met Ennis' and his broad, toothy smile became more relaxed and one of quiet happiness. Jack's vision narrowed until only Ennis could be seen. Dale and J.D.'s conversation faded. He forgot for a moment where he was. His world had collapsed until there was just him and Ennis…just him and the man that he loved more than anything in the world. He saw Ennis take a step.

He could see in Ennis' eyes, behind the surface he showed the world, the love that Ennis had for him, the need and desire, all rolled up into one tight, bright point of light. In that brief moment, Jack knew that there was no more distance between them as there had been in the past. Jack felt as if his soul would explode from his body in a burst of joy.

Ennis had looked up at Jack, shyly, just to take in the sight of him. He would have been content with the view of Jack so happy. But then Jack looked up. Ennis caught himself taking a step. The look in Jack's eyes and on his face was…Ennis couldn't find the words. He had never seen Jack so…joyful. He saw the instant when Jack's world narrowed to just the two of them. Ennis felt a chill run through him at this moment of true connection and was unable to turn away or break their glance.

Then Ennis saw Jack's eyes mist over and watched as Jack dropped his head for a moment, turned it to the side and brought his hand lightly to his mouth. He could see the drink in Jack's hand trembling. He watched as Jack straightened up and looked back towards him, once again smiling, his eyes radiating a quiet, soulful light that showed the depth of Jack's love for him.

Ennis was trapped by the look in Jack's eyes, but Jack was unable to hold the contact any longer so turned away once again. Ennis had slipped and let show all that he felt for Jack. It was too much for Jack to see the depth of what Ennis hid from the world and often from him as well.

Jack was close to the front door and with an "excuse me" turned and walked out…the drink he still held forgotten. Ennis stood for a moment longer, frozen still by the unexpected exchange with Jack. Like Jack, he was trembling at the intensity of it all.

When the world had returned to him, he looked towards J.D. and Dale who were trying not to let him know they were looking. He smiled quickly at them then turned to the door. It took him a moment before he could start walking.

Ennis stopped and looked out to where Jack was leaning with both hands on the railing, one booted foot ahead of the other, his head down. Ennis could feel the part of his brain that was devoted to looking at Jack in all his poses and movements kick in…the part that saw Jack's hair, black and wavy, the curve of Jack's back that led to the tight jeans and that ass…that ass that Ennis wanted to grab and take right now as he stood there.

It took a couple of tries before he could reach down and open the screen door to step onto the porch. Jack heard the door open and Ennis saw the slight turn of Jack's head towards the sound. He walked over and stopped a couple of feet away.

"Hey." Jack stayed leaning on the rail but turned his head a little away from Ennis.

Ennis looked down at his drink. All of a sudden Jack stood up, hands on his hips, one foot still in front of the other. He still didn't look at Ennis.

"My daddy told me all my life that I wouldn't amount to nothing. That I wouldn't ever be anything, never be someone." Jack turned towards Ennis who could see the conflict in Jack's eyes.

"But I did amount to something and, when I'm with you, I am somebody…I am someone. Without you, Ennis, I'd be…," here he stopped for a moment looking away, "well, let's just say…," and he couldn't speak any longer.

Ennis took a step towards him, Jack's breath hitched. Ennis put his drink down and closed the gap grabbing Jack in a tight embrace.

"I ain't never in my life felt so lucky, Ennis, never felt like someone cared as much as you do." Jack was crying now. "I don't ever wanna leave ya, Ennis, don't ever wanna be anywhere you ain't." Ennis wasn't able to hold in check the feelings that had been stirred up inside him.

"Jack...," Ennis stuttered out, "rodeo, you ain't going nowhere. I ain't ever letting you leave, ya hear that?" Ennis said rather gruffly. "There ain't nothing left for me in the world if you go…if you ain't here."

"I love you, rodeo. Don't you ever forget that," Ennis said softly in Jack's ear. Jack wanted to respond but he couldn't find his voice. Ennis pulled away and placed his hands on each side of Jack's face. He placed a soft kiss on Jack's lips letting the contact hold for longer than a moment. When he broke the kiss, he leaned in and placed his forehead to Jack's and very quietly said, "I love you," again. Jack smiled a little smile.

"Now, you go on and get inside. I'm sure J.D. and Dale are wondering why the hell they're sitting by themselves. Go on." Jack looked up once, nodded, and went on inside.

So, there was Ennis, standing at the rail and looking off into the distance. The doors to his heart flung open…the knowledge, the certainty residing there that Jack would be with him forever, that he would never be alone. He hadn't had his father beating on him his whole life to tear him down, but he had simply known that, like Jack, he would never amount to anything or ever be someone. But he knew now that Jack saw him as someone, someone important, someone wanted and desired…and that was all Ennis needed to know.

He drank the last of the whiskey in his glass then placed it on the rail. As he looked down, he saw the ring of condensation left by Jack's glass. He reached out with a finger and spread the water out in little side-to-side movements…a quiet, simple action but it reminded him that Jack had stood there a moment before…it connected him to Jack in a small, but at that moment, profound way.

He looked out over the land and fields near their house, offered up a silent, "thank you," then turned to go back inside.

The End


	50. Too Many Memories

Ennis walked down to the river, tired and worn from the near-constant riding that he and the other men had been doing on the roundup. For nearly four days straight he'd endured the other men's attempts to get to know him…to pry mostly, Ennis thought. He had met all these attempts with silence and distance. They had finally realized that he wasn't going to be one to sit around the fire and shoot the shit, drink themselves stupid and tell the same old sad stories about all the women they had been with…all the imagined conquests that made them men.

There had been little time for him to get away from the hard work of cows and horses and riding…little time for him to be alone with himself and his memories, the ones he kept blocked and push away from his mind. But today everything had seemed to go right so they were in camp early with a chance to take a break of sorts before their day started again.

Ennis chose to take his time away from the other men. Nobody was surprised. At this point, they hardly noticed him at all.

So he was able to go without interference or questions to spend that time alone…time he needed so he could release, if just for a moment, that knot that sat in his chest day in and day out.

He walked perhaps a half-mile from the camp. No need for concern at being lost. He had been up here a number of times and, besides, the moon was full and gave him all the light he needed to guide him away from camp. He headed for a particular spot that he had found on another round up a couple years before.

When he got there, he stopped and surveyed his surroundings. There was a fast-running stream fed from the mountains, the banks studded with giant boulders driven down by glaciers in the last ice age. Trees towering above, reaching for the sky. Mountains in the distance. The stars blanketing the sky.

He stood for a moment on a large, flat boulder close to the water…stopped and took a breath. He let one block drop in his mind…and there was Jack, just a hint, kinda like a ghost in the distance. A slight upturn to Ennis' lips came unbidden at the image.

It had only been a couple of months since he and Jack had reunited…or rather Jack had found him. But Ennis' need for him was great.

He let slip a couple more blocks and Jack took on more substance…his eyes clear and bright, his smile lighting up any space where he stood, his laugh ringing off the stones and trees around where Ennis stood.

Ennis could feel that knot in his chest begin to relax. He could feel a light blossom inside him…the one that rose whenever Jack was around. He stood a little straighter, breathed a little more easily. He could feel laughter begin to bubble up inside him.

Ennis could feel Jack close now and, like a starving man at a table full of food, he began to reach for memory after memory to satisfy the craving that he so rarely was able to quench. But they began to come too quickly.

He looked over at a large boulder near him and the intense and clear memory of Jack lying naked in the sun after a romp in the river, his eyes closed, his skin glowing from the sun and sex, was shown to him. Ennis began to tremble.

He looked away to the river, that last image too strong for him, but saw Jack sitting next to a fire playing his harmonica…not well but with heart because Jack was playing for him.

He looked up at the sky and remembered him and Jack, the two of them wrapped in a blanket, naked, the warmth of their bodies giving them comfort while Jack showed Ennis different stars and constellations that he had learned as a child.

He had let loose too much. He was drowning now in a flood of memories. He had only wanted to bring back a little to stave away the inner cold and warm himself for just a moment. But his need and desire for Jack were too strong.

He was shaking now and found it hard to breathe. He couldn't stop the images…Jack galloping away from him through the sheep and Ennis giving chase, Jack cooking breakfast not knowing that Ennis had come down early and was watching him…Jack sweating, panting, his forehead in the dirt, hands clenched, begging Ennis through gritted teeth, "harder, Ennis, don't stop…God, don't stop."

This last memory sent Ennis over the edge and he started to cry. He turned and took a few steps away from the river to escape but realized he couldn't head back to camp. He turned again but the river was still there blocking his way. Trapped, he could go nowhere but down and hit the boulder he was standing on with his knees. He put one hand to his face sobbing uncontrollably and then, losing all his strength, went to all fours.

Ennis's need for Jack was near unbearable. From the first night in the tent through the years they had lost touch till now, Jack was the one light, the one gift, the one blessing that he'd been given in his life. Jack was all that Ennis needed. But he'd had to push him away. He'd had to force Jack to leave for his own safety…for their own safety. At least that was how he saw it.

But his need versus Jack's safety caused severe conflict in Ennis. And so every time he tried to think of Jack to ease his mind and calm his soul, the guilt of pushing him away would surface. Fire and water. Conflict and pain inside him.

He had finally begun to calm some and as he did he worked to reestablish the blocks he had in his mind to keep Jack at a distance so he could function in his day-to-day existence.

He had rocked back to sit on his heels, his eyes closed and the last of the tears drying. He wiped his face with his coat sleeve. He opened his eyes to look around him to bring himself back to the world he lived in now, flashes of images still lingering about.

And then one last memory. One last little piece of comfort for him. He remembered the time when he had told Jack they couldn't stay together. The time when he had told Jack about Earl. And the time when Jack had reached out to stroke his face, to run his hands through the hair on the back of his head, to comfort him in a way that no one had ever done in his life. It was there, clear in Ennis' thoughts, Jack's hand soothing his soul. He could feel himself calm down knowing that there was someone in the world who would give him such tenderness and feeling…someone who cared for him - a scruffy, hard-edged, tight-lipped cowboy who'd never amount to nothing.

Ennis sat there for a little longer, his hands on his thighs, his head bowed, quietly letting the memories fade from the forefront of his mind. When he felt he could walk again, he went to the stream and splashed the cold mountain water on his face to wipe away the tears and snap him back to the now.

He stood up slowly looking out over the land and the sky, his hat in hand. He ran his other hand through his hair, shuffled his feet, put his hand in his pocket.

He looked at the ground for a moment, the trees and the sky. In a trembling, whispered voice he said, "I miss you, Jack. I don't want it this way but there ain't no other way it can be." Another tear rolled down his face and he wiped it quickly away on his jacket sleeve.

"It won't be long now, bud. It won't be long. Ya gotta be strong, okay? Ya gotta come back," here he took a deep breath and blew it out forcefully, "ya gotta come back to me…okay?"

Ennis stood a moment longer then put his hat on and turned back towards the camp. He took two steps then looked back to the river, "G'night, Jack."

In Childress, a lone tear slid down Jack's face as he lay wide awake, the same way he had lain most every night since he had last seen Ennis. _It won't be long now, _he thought,_ not long at all._


	51. Never

Never.

No. Can't think…can't use…that word.

It ain't real. It ain't a real word.

Gotta think of something else.

What else? Cows, horses, the ranch…

Sheep.

No, not sheep. Damn

Never

It just don't make no sense. It's a stupid word.

Who would say that? Who would say…a word like that?

Ain't nobody in their right mind gonna…no…it just ain't right.

No. There ain't no such thing. There just can't be.

Never.

There's gotta be another word…gotta be…some other way I could say it…

Soon.

In a little while.

Before long.

In November…

Cause I just can't say…

Can't say…

I ain't…never…gonna see him again.


	52. Floating Clouds, Flowing Water

_**Floating Clouds, Flowing Water**_

Jack had stormed off hurt by Ennis' outburst, stung by Ennis' misinterpretation of his suggestion to move to Texas. Jack knew that Ennis was paranoid about how others looked at him, how they must feel about him loving another man. He knew that it was all in Ennis' head. It was this soul-eating guilt that Ennis had never been able to overcome…this guilt that had kept him from letting the two of them live a life together, love together, be happy together.

Jack looked back at the stream where Ennis was cleaning the pots and plates they had used just a little while ago to eat from. He saw Ennis' bowed shoulders, the aura of pain and despair that surrounded him. Jack had tried everything to help him. He had run himself ragged, exhausted himself trying to get Ennis to open up, to free himself of the ghosts of his past. But always there was this wall, this blockade he slammed into when he tried the hardest to show Ennis that life could be sweet for the both of them.

Jack had hurt himself so many times trying, had by this point grown so tired of making the effort that, right now, he didn't know if he could try again. A feeling of such intense loss overcame him that he had to turn away, embarrassed that Ennis might see him. Suddenly, he felt that after all these years and all the struggle, that it wouldn't be able to last any longer. He had made all the effort that one man could make…and it hadn't been enough. He was empty now…hollow of feeling. _Maybe_, he thought, _maybe this is the last time. I won't be able to live without him but I can't do this anymore…live this half life, this shadow of what could have been between us. _

Jack was having a hard time walking back to the tent…truth be told, he was having a hard time standing now that this realization had struck…so he just stood there for a moment trying to let this knowledge of an ending between him and Ennis wash over him. He tried, without much success, to accept that this had to be.

Wiping tears away, he stepped forward, shaking, and into the tent.

Ennis had looked over at Jack still angry that he had made such a suggestion. Move to Texas? What was he thinking? Jack knew he couldn't leave his girls. He knew that the two of them living together was a disaster waiting to happen.

Ennis thought, _Jack knows…he knows…after all these years…that I can't admit to him that I…care about…no, love him. That would mean I had to admit I was…queer…AND I'M NOT, ya hear that, Jack. I'M NOT QUEER! I can't be. It just ain't right. It just ain't right._

Ennis watched Jack walk back to the tent. He watched as Jack stopped, unsteady on his feet, breathing heavy. He watched as Jack dropped his head, his shoulders drooping, his normal brightness diminished. He saw Jack clench his hands and rest them on his hips. He saw all the signs of Jack in distress. How many times he had seen this when they had fought…when he had turned Jack away, rejected this wonderful and beautiful man, tossed him aside because of his own fears.

He saw Jack reach up and wipe tears away. A shiver of premonition ran through him. Suddenly he felt a shift between them…a tearing, a rending, an ending of sorts. All his anger and guilt fled at that moment. He stood up quickly and was headed forward when Jack took a step and stooped to enter the tent. Ennis froze where he stood. He knew that something important had happened but was unable to see the full picture. He stood there a moment longer then, without registering his actions, turned and walked away following the stream.

He walked a short distance to where a large rock jutted out of the ground and over the river. It was a favorite spot for the both of them. He walked over to the edge and sat down, his legs dangling close to the swift, cold water.

The image of Jack so distraught haunted Ennis as he sat there. He kept trying to put it out of his head. _He'll be okay. He always comes around. He knows it can't be the way he wants. Someone_, here he paused, _he…could be hurt, could be killed. He ain't the most careful person talking to everyone like he does, wandering around all puffed up like a rooster. One day, Jack, one day it's gonna get you…killed…and then…what about me?_

But always Ennis' thought came back around to how much it meant that Jack was around, how much he wanted Jack to look at him, pay attention to him……love him. He could never tell Jack these things. He couldn't find the words. He'd have to open his heart up, admit to himself that it was Jack he loved more than anyone in his life. But he couldn't do that because it would mean…well, it would mean that he was…that way…_and I ain't that way…except with Jack…but with no one else…so I ain't that way._

He felt again that shiver of a future unfolding and not a good future. He wasn't really capable of examining things like that so closely. He was too down to earth, too solid and practical. But fear began to overwhelm him. _I done made a mistake, I know now. I think this time it's a real bad mistake. Why do I always have to hurt him? There ain't no one else in the world for me and always I gotta hurt him._

_Maybe, _he thought, _maybe I could give in some. It ain't right that he always hurts like this…but I hurt too, damnit! Don't he see that? No, it ain't right…it's Jack that's hurting now. Gotta do something. Gotta make this up to him. Gotta think about this Texas thing. How hard could that be? Can't be anymore dangerous than here. We could still get together…it could still be the same. Things might even be better. _

_But…I can't think about it right now. How am I gonna tell him about November? He's gonna be real unhappy about that. Don't know what I'll say…don't know how…I'm real scared about this. I'm really scared. _

Ennis sat there for a little while longer…the clouds floating above him, the water flowing below him…_Is Jack watching the clouds, too? Does he hear the rush of the water?_

_Gotta figure this out. Don't want him to leave…to leave me…here alone. I want him to…love me…I don't want to be alone._

Ennis sat, lost in his thoughts of Jack…unaware that his flash of things to come…was just around the corner.

The End


	53. Postcards and Shirts

_This is not a happy story. It is not AU. It is as close to stricly story canon as this meager writer can get._

It is a story that I feel marks the end of my time with the boys...not that they will ever be forgotten by me, not that they will ever lose their place in my heart, not that I will ever forget the impact they have had on my life.

But I feel that it is now time to move on and take the lessons learned from Ennis and Jack and put them into practice in my own life.

To me these men are real, their lives reflecting parts of my own. Without the example of their lives, their joy and their pain, I would not be in a new place in my own life.

I am thankful to Annie Proulx and Ang Lee for bringing them into existence. I will always be grateful to Heath and Jake for giving them substance.

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement and support during my time with you. I won't forget it.

Steve

It was cold and bleak that day, the wind blowing strong and wild whipping dust from the dirt driveway into tiny, little tornadoes. Grass in the fields nearby, dried and brown from the cold of winter, rippled like waves on the sea.

The last of the snow hid in the shadows, hanging on to what little time it had left, shying away from the sun as it peaked from behind high, icy clouds.

Near the rundown trailer sat the coroner's station wagon, long and black, a perceptible aura of finality surrounding it. Those at the scene kept a discreet distance, unconsciously, of course, not wanting to recognize that this same vehicle might one day show up at their house.

The coroner and his assistant were going about their business. The police milled about, nothing for them to do at the scene at this point.

Standing at a distance was one lone woman, her coat wrapped tightly against the chill, her shoulders hunched against the wind. Silent tears rolled down her face as she watched the activity. Clutched protectively to her chest was a shoebox of postcards and two shirts, bloodied decades before, one still tucked inside the other.

When she had found her daddy that morning, the shirts had been laid out on the bed, the box of postcards sitting on top of them, a few of the cards scattered randomly about. It was plain that he had been reading them. When she had stepped closer, she saw one still held closely to his chest.

"Friend, this letter is long over due…," she had read when she took it from his hand.

She had cried for a little while, quietly, as she sat near the bed. She had expected this for near fifteen years…known that this had been coming for a long time.

Ever since his friend, the one in the postcards, had died, her daddy's spirit had broken beyond repair. His heart had been taken from him with the loss. He had no life left to live.

The grief, guilt and despair had been too overwhelming. There was no way for him to escape the pain.

One day a few months before, he had sat down and told her about his friend. He spoke for a long while of the times they'd had, the places they'd gone, how his friend had taught him to laugh and look at the world around him.

She watched as a spark came to his eyes, how he sat a little straighter, how he spoke softly and tenderly about this man. He didn't say right out, in so many words, that he had loved him but she wasn't stupid and knew what her daddy had been trying, in his way, to tell her.

They both cried at the memories…he for the loss of his friend, she for the loss of her daddy to the sadness.

Now she held the shirts and her daddy's box of postcards. It was all that was left of two lives.

All the good and bad times, the love and anger, the pain and ecstatic joy…gone. Only she remembered her daddy now. There was no one else. No one had cared.

Only her daddy had remembered his friend. Everyone else had forgotten about him.

Now only she knew about their lives together.

She had the postcards but they were just that to her, postcards. The shirts were just shirts. They meant nothing to her like they had for him. She could read the postcards and hold the shirts but the reality of those two lives, and how they had lived and loved, weren't there for her to experience.

She cried for the loss of what they'd had. She cried as she saw two lives vanish from the world as her daddy took his memories of his friend with him to wherever people go when they die.

No one would ever know about them and the love they had, gone now like the snow, like the wind when it blows through the field.

She wasn't a very religious woman, as such, but she lowered her head, reached out with her soul and begged to whoever could hear her that the two of them find each other again…that the love they'd shared never fade.

It was just too sad for her to think that this was the end of it all.


End file.
